Sin and Redemption

Sara and I were panting. The cold crept through my clothes, banishing some of the unbearable heat lighting up my body. I was still reeling from the high of having sex with Sara. Not to make a baby but just because she wanted to, because she wanted to feel pleasure.

I didn’t want to read too much into it, but I couldn’t help but hope this was the fucking turning point in our marriage, and we would finally overcome the past.

I buried my nose in her hair. It always smelled sweet. But now I could also smell the truth of what we’d done. I could smell myself on her. “You smell like sex,” I rumbled, feeling accomplished and possessive.

Sara leaned back with a look of worry. “We’re supposed to have dinner with your parents! We can’t sit at a table with them smelling like…like sex!”

Her concern was cute. I chuckled. “Trust me, they won’t sniff us. The dogs might, though, but they won’t mind.”

“Maximus!” Sara’s eyes grew wide with indignation. “I can’t have dinner with your parents smelling like sex!”

“We could take a shower.”

She bit her lip. “I’ve never taken a shower at your parents’ before. They’ll know something is up.”

I started laughing. “They won’t care. They’ll be happy for us.”

Sara shook her head again. “There has to be another option to get rid of the smell.”

“We could bathe in the stream. It’s a ten-minute walk from here. But it’s freezing.”

Sara got to her feet. “All right. Let’s do that.”

As kids, my brother and I often bathed in the small stream. I rose to my feet and took Sara’s hand. After we’d gathered the rest of our stuff, I led her to the river. We passed the old oak tree on our way, and my fingers tightened around Sara’s hand as we did. I’d never not remember our past when we came by this place, but today, the vise around my heart wasn’t quite as crushing as usual. The stream was rushing by. It had been raining a lot in the past few days, so it was a bit higher than usual.

“Let me go first to make sure it’s not too slippery or too wild.” I got out of my clothes and put them down on a fallen tree. The moment my feet touched the cold, leaf-covered ground, goose bumps erupted all over my body. Sara pulled down her skirt and dragged her sweater over her head. When she removed her bra, the last piece of her clothing, and stood before me completely naked, my breath lodged in my throat. I’d never seen her naked like this. She looked like a goddess amid the forest scenery, a natural beauty. I was in awe that I could call her my wife.

When Sara noticed my gaze, uncertainty crossed her face.

“You look like a goddess. Too beautiful for words.”

She opened her mouth as if to protest, but then she smiled slightly. “Thank you.” Her eyes took me in, and the blush increased. “You look very impressive.”

I chuckled, then turned and climbed down the small slope into the stream bed. I hissed when the icy water engulfed my feet. My skin immediately began to prickle. It was strange how utter cold could burn you almost as much as fire.

“It’s freezing,” I warned when Sara approached me. I held out my hand, and she took it so I could help her down the slope.

A little screech escaped her lips when she entered the stream. She began jumping from one foot to the other, breathing rapidly. “This is worse than I thought.”

“There’s still the shower option.”

“No. It’s okay. I can do this.”

I pointed toward a pond-like area where the stream water briefly split into two smaller streams, and one part was slowed down by rocks, a tree trunk and a sharp turn. “It’s deeper over there, but the current isn’t bad.”

With her hand in mine, I led her toward this part. “You should get it done quickly if you don’t want to get hypothermia.” It would take far longer for my muscled and much bigger body to suffer the same way as hers.

With my help, Sara entered the pond until she was up to her hips in the water.

“Can you help me?”

I poured water that I gathered with my hands over her back and chest, and Sara rubbed her skin with her palms. I wasn’t sure if it would remove every trace of our sex smell, but the sight of her puckered nipples and her gorgeous naked body was worth it.

We quickly returned to our clothes after I’d dunked myself in the water for a moment. Of course, we hadn’t considered that we didn’t have a towel. Sex with Sara had put my brain on pause.

I would have offered her the shirt I’d worn beneath the lumberjack jacket, but that was covered in dirt because she’d knelt on it. Just remembering the scene almost gave me another boner. I handed her my jacket instead. “It’s a bit dusty but will do the job if you use the inside.”

Sara hesitated. “What are you going to wear?”

“A dirty shirt and a wet jacket,” I said with a wink.

She rubbed herself dry, then got dressed while I tried to dry myself with the side of the shirt that wasn’t dirty. Once dressed, she and I returned to the house, followed by Bacon.

“I was looking for you,” Dad said as a way of greeting when we stepped into the wonderfully warm house. It smelled of roasted chicken and rosemary potatoes. His eyes slid over my dirty and wet shirt, then down to the mud stains on my knees. His expression didn’t change, but I knew he had his suspicions. “But I couldn’t find you. Considered sending the dogs out. Your mother stopped me.”

Mom sent Dad a death glare. “Ryan.”

Sara flushed a bright red.

Dad only shrugged.

I didn’t comment, and neither did Sara.

Mom stepped up to me briefly when Sara prepared a tea for herself. “It’s so good to see that smile back on your face.”

We decided spontaneously to spend the night at my parents’. I didn’t have a job tonight, so we’d have enough time to return home to the city in the morning.

We shared the queen-sized bed in my old room. With less room than at home, our arms brushed as we settled under the covers. I decided to risk it and put my arm around Sara.

She peered up at me, then cuddled up to me with a hesitant smile. It felt good to feel her this close. After months, hell, more than a year, of imagining this exact moment, it was finally here, and it felt perfect. We fell asleep like that.

A scream ripped me from my sleep. I turned on the light, and Sara’s eyes shot open at once. She sat up, away from my embrace, and blew out a breath. She closed her eyes and shook her head as if that could banish the last traces of her nightmare.

I sat up too, my heart pounding in my chest. I’d hoped the nightmares had stopped. I’d been stupid enough to think that our enjoyable sex and budding connection would magically heal old wounds. I wasn’t even sure why I was surprised. My nightmares hadn’t stopped yet either, and I was inarguably more hardened than Sara.

Sara looked at me, but she didn’t return to my arms. The Maximus in her nightmare was probably the reason for it.

“The nightmares have become less frequent, but sometimes they still occur,” she explained quietly. “Like yours.”

I nodded. Weren’t nightmares a way for your subconscious to work through the experiences of the day? Had today triggered her? What if this threw us back?

I wasn’t sure why her nightmare fucked with my brain this much, but I simply didn’t want to lose today’s connection.

The lightness of the previous day was gone when we returned home the next day, so it was a good thing that Amo gave me a call that they’d found a Bratva whorehouse where a guy who’d been in on the planning of the kidnapping was working as a pimp.

If Sara was sad that I wouldn’t join her at her family’s today, she didn’t show it. Maybe she was glad to have some room after last night’s nightmare.

“Be careful,” she said when I dropped her off at her parents’ house. I was surprised by her words.

Of course, it was difficult to actually follow the words. I was too eager to dish out pain and destruction to tread a safe path, so I managed to get two cuts on my back and my upper arm. I wrapped them with some gauze, not in the mood to go to the doc. Not to mention that I’d promised to pick Sara up at eight.

I managed to make it by five past eight. Flavio accompanied Sara to the truck. When he opened the passenger door for her, he said, “You’re late.” His eyes narrowed when he saw the blood all over my clothes. My arm and back wound definitely needed stitches. “Are you sure Sara should go home with you?”

Sara poked her head in, and her eyes widened. “What happened?” She climbed into the seat and regarded me with concern.

“The guy I killed wasn’t too fond of dying.”

“Maybe you should stay here tonight. Maximus isn’t in top form.”

“I can protect her, don’t worry,” I growled. “She’s my wife, my responsibility.”

Flavio turned to his sister. “Sara?”

“I won’t leave my husband alone when he’s injured,” Sara said firmly as she buckled up. She pushed him back and closed the door. I pulled away from the curb immediately. Flavio and I had good and bad days. I got it. I would have resented me too if I were him, but he needed to respect certain boundaries. Sara was my wife and belonged at my side.

When we arrived at our place, Sara went to the bathroom and returned with our first-aid kit.

“Remove your shirt and sit.” She motioned to the kitchen chair. With a grunt in pain, I dragged my shirt over my head and sank down. Sara inspected the cut below my left shoulder and on my left bicep. “Both need stitches. Why didn’t you go to the doc?”

“I promised to pick you up.”

She gave me a stern look. “Your health is the top priority.”

“No,” I muttered. “You are and will always be my top priority, Sara.”

She swallowed and cleared her throat before she focused on my back. “I’ve done this once before, but I can’t say I’m good at this.”

“It’s fine. They don’t have to be pretty. Just close them up.”

She caressed the burn scars on my back. The tattoo was close to being done now, so the scars were only visible when you were close to me. She brushed her pointer finger over the inked “Nemesis” on my hand. “So many scars in the name of revenge. Is revenge ever served?”

“Hard to say. Revenge often leads to more revenge. It’s a vicious cycle.”

“Maybe you need to be the one to break it.”

“No, honey. I’m not going to be the bigger man in this case. I’m not the ‘turn the other cheek’ kind of guy. I’m going to keep hunting Bratva assholes until no one is left for revenge.”

Sara looked at me strangely. “You called me honey.”

“That’s what bothered you from my words?” I asked, amused.

“I didn’t say it bothered me.” She took a needle and thread from the first-aid kit, not elaborating what she meant. We both fell silent as she stitched me up. I could tell she was trying to be careful, but she definitely didn’t have much practice doing this.

Afterward, I took a shower, and when I entered the bedroom, Sara had already fallen asleep. The nightmare last night had kept her from sleeping sound. That night, we stayed on our respective sides. No cuddling, much less more entertaining activities.

In the next few days, Sara and I returned to our usual routine of dinner and movies, falling asleep beside each other, and a brief talk during coffee in the morning. My worry that the nightmare had put a wedge between us again seemed to become reality.

I turned my entire focus on work, especially as we had our monthly Enforcer meeting where Luca, Matteo, Amo, and Valerio joined us too. Luca’s daughter Marcella had often been present as well, but since she’d recently given birth, and even in the weeks prior, she’d pulled back.

My father, Primo, Maddox, and I were the main Enforcers in New York. But for these monthly meetings, the men for the smaller jobs and the countryside joined us too.

When I saw Luca’s face upon entering the new meeting room in the basement of Luca’s club Sphere, I knew trouble was on the horizon.

The moment we’d all gathered around the table, Luca stood and began pacing. “The Pakhan has been very restrained with his reaction to our revenge.”

“Because he’s more concerned about finding a good anchor place for his yacht,” Matteo said as he leaned back in his chair.

“He’s not in control. His men can do what they want, and it might become a problem because we got intel that Jabba’s father, who lives in Saint Petersburg, is on his way here to avenge his sons.” Luca looked at me. “You killed three of them.”

I nodded. I remembered very well. “And a few cousins. I’ll kill him too.”

“That’s the plan,” Luca said. You could always count on Luca when revenge was concerned. His massacre of the bikers would always be legendary.

“We have to up protection until we have him. He poses a risk, not just for you or Romero, but also for our women.”

“We’ll make sure they’re safe until he’s dead and until a new Pakhan brings a shift to the local Bratva.”

“What are the rumors? Who’s a possible successor?” Dad asked.

Luca and Matteo exchanged a look. “According to Nino Falcone, it could be Artur Mikhailov, the second son of the current Pakhan in Chicago.”

I raised my eyebrows. “So he needs a territory for his second born once his firstborn takes over as Pakhan in Chicago?”

“Looks like it. It’s rumors, but considering that Adamo Falcone is married to the Pakhan’s daughter, I would bet my money on it.”

“That’s something that might make our life easier in the future,” Matteo said. “But for now, protecting the vulnerable is at the top of our list.”

“Too many of our women have suffered for our sins,” Amo said bitterly.

I grimaced. That was the truth—a bitter pill to swallow.

Sounds of distress, labored breathing, and whimpers woke me from my sleep. Sheets rustled as Sara twisted and turned, caught up in another nightmare.

I reached for her, then hesitated, wondering if the reality of having me here would be better than her nightmare. I shoved that thought aside. Sara and I had come a long way from the start of our marriage. I wouldn’t allow nightmares to ruin everything.

I touched her arm, but she was too caught up in the throes of her dream. “Sara,” I implored, gently shaking her. “Sara, honey, wake up.”

I turned the lights on and shook her a little harder until her eyes finally popped open, and she looked at me. At first, she was disoriented and far away, but then she slowly saw me. She released a shaky breath and relaxed.

“Another nightmare,” I told her as if she didn’t know.

She nodded. “Yeah. A bad one.”

I’d never asked her for details. I could imagine what those nightmares entailed.

She scooted over to me, surprising me.

“Do you want me to wrap my arm around you?”

“Yes.”

I pulled her against me and drew in a deep breath, realizing I’d missed her closeness. How could I miss something that I’ve only experienced for such a short time? “The worst nightmares are always…”

I didn’t want to know, but I would never stop her from sharing what bothered her. “When it’s Jabba on top of me. He’s like a phantom of my past that I can’t shake off.”

I peered down at her crown of hair. “He’s dead.”

“I know. But my brain doesn’t care. In here”—she tapped her temple—“he’s still very much alive.” She peered up. “You aren’t the reason for my nightmares, just so you know, okay? It’s always Jabba taking center stage.”

I cleared my throat and gave a terse nod. “I wish I could kill him in your dreams as well. I wish you weren’t alone in this.”

She smiled faintly. “I’m not alone. Sleeping beside you has made things so much easier.”

I kissed her temple. These words meant the world to me.

A couple of days later, I woke to the sound of soft footsteps. I sat up and reached for my gun but plopped back onto the cushion upon seeing Sara in the glow of her cell phone.

Confusion filled me. Why was she up? Did she have another nightmare? I hadn’t heard her having a bad dream.

“What’s wrong?” I rumbled.

“That’s what I wanted to ask. You’ve been tossing and turning all night. I went to the kitchen for a cup of tea because I couldn’t sleep and wasn’t sure if I should wake you.”

“Just a lot on my mind, nothing of importance,” I lied. I didn’t want Sara to worry unnecessarily, but the news of Jabba’s father being on a quest for revenge really got to me. I had to protect Sara no matter the cost.

She narrowed her eyes. “If it’s not important, then why does it disturb your sleep?”

That was the problem with us being closer now. It was harder to keep certain things from her. But this was too triggering for her. “I really can’t talk about it.”

She nodded. “Okay. I understand.”

She came closer and tugged a strand of her hair behind her ear. Why didn’t she just get back into bed?

“Is anything the matter?” I asked, my voice still rough and scratchy. “Are you mad because I can’t share what’s going on?”

She gave a quick shake of her head, her eyes taking in my exposed upper body. She sank down on the edge of the mattress.

“I had a dream,” she admitted.

Fuck. Another nightmare. When would they stop?

“I’m sorry.” I turned on the lamp on my nightstand. Maybe it would help keep the bad memories away.

She tilted her head. “No. I mean…” She took a deep breath. “I was wondering…could we?”

I frowned, not following her thoughts. “Could we what?”

She looked up and blew out a breath. “Have sex.”

“Are you ovulating again?’” I wasn’t an expert on the whole female cycle thing, though I was on the way to becoming one, thanks to Sara.

“No, I just…” She smiled in embarrassment. “I just want to. Like in the woods. I just felt really close to you that day.”

My heart sped up at her admittance. I felt elated. “You really want to have sex without the chance of making a baby again?” I asked, trying to lighten the mood with a joke, but Sara obviously didn’t catch the joking part.

“I mean, if you don’t want that, we don’t have to.”

“Fuck! There’s nothing I want more. The last time was amazing, and like you, I felt closer to you than ever before. I hate having sex for reproduction.”

“Because you don’t want a kid?”

“Because I want you to be with me without second thoughts.”

Her sweet smile melted my stone-cold heart. Shit. “No second thoughts this time.”

I grinned and relaxed further into my pillows.

“I’m not awake yet.”

I could see the embarrassment and guilt on Sara’s face. I grabbed her wrist and pulled her toward me with a sly smile. “How about you sit on my face so I can relax and wake up with the taste of your pussy in my mouth?”

Sara’s lips parted in surprise, her cheeks turning red. I tugged at her hand, encouraging her. She finally climbed on the bed. I grasped her hips and guided her to hover over my face. I smiled at the sight of her pretty pink pussy lips right above my mouth. I drew in a deep breath and grinned. Her aroma told me she’d been thinking about this for a while before she’d come over. I hummed my approval and relaxed back into the cushions, then extended my tongue invitingly. Sara stared down at me with a look of confused shock. I chuckled. “Like I said, I’m still not awake yet. I fear you need to use my tongue and mouth as you see fit until I’m ready to eat and fuck you properly.”

She lowered her hips slowly until her pussy brushed my tongue. She hesitantly rocked her hips, rubbing herself against my tongue. Soon she found a rhythm that allowed the tip of my tongue to slide back and forth over her little clit as she shifted her hips. I smirked, loving the sight of her lust and need.

She pursed her lips and stopped moving. The hint of an annoyed smile flitted over her face. “Are you awake yet?”

I looked past her to the tent in my boxers. “He is.” A few weeks ago, I wouldn’t have dreamed of making a joke like that in front of Sara, but suddenly, I could feel a new lightness between us, one I was desperate to preserve.

Sara followed my gaze and let out a laugh. I grabbed her waist and slid her down my body until she sat against my cock. When I pulled down my boxers, my erection sprang free and bounced against Sara’s ass cheek. “Ready for a ride?”

Sara nodded, but I could see the nerves on her face. I helped her mount me properly until the tip of my cock slipped into her heated pussy. I groaned in approval. Sara lowered herself slowly and began moving in a gentle, slow rhythm.

She touched my chest as she rolled her hips.

Her breathing was deep like mine, and the sensations were fucking good, but I knew I could make them fucking amazing. “Ready for more?”

“Yes,” she said without hesitation, and the need in her voice was all the encouragement I needed. I lifted her off me and flipped her so she was kneeling. I slowly eased back into her, then wrapped an arm around her to pull her up against me. With my front against her back, I fucked her. I turned her head around and claimed her mouth for a kiss.

The intensity of our orgasms let us both flop down on the mattress in exhaustion, and I pulled her into my arms, loving that I could do this now, that the distance from the past was no more. Sara peered up at me with a warm smile and pressed her cheek against my chest. “The sound of your heartbeat always makes me drowsy,” she mumbled, sounding as if she was already half asleep.

“Sleep tight,” I murmured.

I could feel my own body slowly succumbing to exhaustion, and soon, we fell asleep in each other’s arms.