Sin and Redemption

I blew out a breath before I finally gathered the courage to look at the pregnancy test. We’d been trying for six months, and even though I knew statistically we were still doing fine, I was growing impatient. I didn’t want to wait longer. I wanted to heal the ache I felt after losing my last pregnancy, and I knew only a new pregnancy would be able to do that. My eyes widened in disbelief when the result showed up. Tears shot into my eyes, and I began to laugh.

I squeezed my eyes shut and let out a deep sob. Pregnant. I was really pregnant. Maximus and I had been having sex frequently and not just when my fertile days rolled around. That part of our relationship had been easier to build up than I’d thought. Becoming a couple and growing closer on an emotional level was more work, especially when the past still held us back. Guilt was our shadow.

With the test clutched in my hand, I picked up my phone and called Mom. She answered after two rings.

“I’m pregnant,” I rushed out before she could say anything.

“Oh, Sara! I’m so happy for you! How did Maximus react?”

I froze, guilt creeping up on me. “I haven’t told him yet. I just took the test.”

Mom paused. “You called me first?” she asked gently.

“I should have told him first, right?”

“Well, he’s probably busy at work. You needed to share your excitement. That’s understandable.”

“Yes,” I agreed. But if I was being honest, I hadn’t even considered calling Maximus. I grimaced. I had been so excited and just wanted to talk to someone who’d share my excitement. I wasn’t sure if Maximus was that person. Despite trying to get me pregnant for a while, we’d never really talked about this. I wasn’t even sure how many kids he wanted, if he wanted any, or if he only wanted them to make me happy and to redeem himself. I’d been so focused on my own wish for children and my hopes that a new pregnancy would heal the wounds from the last that I hadn’t thought about Maximus.

“I’ll surprise him tonight,” I said. “I hope he’ll be happy.”

“I know he will be. He wants to make you happy. It’s so very obvious.”

I swallowed. “Yeah, but I want him to be happy because it’s something he wants too.”

“Don’t worry, Sara. Don’t let your worries ruin this day for you. You’ve been waiting so long for it. You deserve to be happy.”

“Thanks, Mom. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

I hung up, then wondered how I could reveal the pregnancy to Maximus. I simply had to have faith that he too would be excited to build a family. The worst thing would be the wait. I wanted to shout my pregnancy from the rooftops because I was so excited. Then worry filtered through my happiness. What if something happened? Wouldn’t it be better to tell only a few select people until I was safe? But when would I feel safe? At twelve weeks? I had been at almost twelve weeks when I’d lost our last baby. I took a deep breath. Today was for celebrating. I wanted to enjoy this day and surprise Maximus.

When Maximus came home that night, I’d prepared his favorite meal: a cheeseburger with fries.

Considering I loved to cook, finding out about Maximus’s favorite meal had been a damper, but I’d simply made it my task to create the perfect burger with homemade buns, patties, and even hand-cut fries. Cooking for Maximus every evening was my way of showing him how much I cared about him. I really hoped he understood my intentions. He wasn’t really someone who talked about emotions.

Maximus froze in the kitchen doorway when he saw the display of burger items spread out on the table so he could build his own burger. I opened the oven and pulled out a sheet pan with perfectly crisp riffled fries.

“Wow. This smells delicious,” he said. He immediately hurried toward the table, then he paused and turned to me instead. He pressed a kiss to my lips. “The burger almost made me forget my manners.”

I chuckled despite my nervousness. Even though we’d tried for a baby for a while, telling Maximus about my pregnancy made me insanely nervous. There was also still the small nagging voice inside my head, worried that I shouldn’t be excited about this pregnancy yet—what if it ended like my last?

Maximus rubbed my arm. “Are you okay?”

I quickly nodded. Despite the hesitation in his eyes, he went over to the table and sat down. He glanced around the table, looking for the burger buns, the only item missing.

“There’s a bun in my oven,” I said. I cringed inwardly. In my head, it sounded way cuter than it did when I said it out loud.

Maximus frowned at the oven behind me. He rose as if to get the buns himself. “There’s a bun in my oven,” I repeated again, determined to pull through with this idea, even if it was cringy.

He paused, obviously confused. His gaze moved from the oven to my face, then slowly down to where my hand rested on my belly. He straightened at once, eyes wide. “You…?”

“I’m pregnant.” I rubbed my still flat belly.

“Sara,” he murmured, his voice soft and warm. He came around the table and pulled me against him, kissing the top of my head.

We held each other for a long time, and with every passing moment of our closeness, I felt more at ease. Then he pulled back to search my face. Before he could say something, I asked, “Are you happy?”

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Our marriage didn’t start how it should have been. Sometimes I worry that I’m forcing you to have children.”

He shook his head, his hands coming up to cup my face. “You’re not forcing me to do anything. Before marrying you, having a family hadn’t been at the forefront of my thoughts, but it’s definitely been something I wanted, and you are the perfect woman to build a family with. You are caring and kind and loving.”

I bit my lip, unprepared for his compliments. Maximus wasn’t usually a man of so many words, so hearing him say it really made me emotional.

“Are you happy?” he asked quietly. My concern must have shown through my excitement. “I am. So happy, but I’m also really scared.”

Maximus’s brows drew together, the warrior in him rearing its head, ready to fight whoever scared me, but this was something he couldn’t beat with violence or threats.

“Scared of losing this baby as well,” I admitted. My voice broke even just considering the option.

“You won’t.”

“It’s still early. Only five weeks. So much can happen in the first twelve weeks and even after.”

“Sara,” Maximus implored, pulling my face closer to his as he bent down. Tears pressed against my eyeballs. I didn’t want to cry, not because of something that might not even happen, but my hormones were already intense. “Listen to me. Nothing will happen this time. Enjoy this pregnancy. Don’t let anything ruin it for you.”

I nodded. I wanted to enjoy every moment of it, but how could I when that dark cloud hovered over our heads?

“I hope you don’t still feel like you did anything wrong last time.”

I blew out a breath. I’d worked hard to let go of this idea, and I’d thought I had succeeded, but now that I was pregnant again and responsible for a growing life, all those feelings of guilt returned with a force. “I don’t know. It’s hard not to worry, not to blame myself.”

“It’s not your fault. I’ll repeat it as often as I have to until you feel the same way.”

I smiled, then tilted my head toward the food on the table. “Your meat will be cold by now.”

“Even a cold burger from you is better than anything I’ve ever eaten before.”

“Don’t let your mom find out!”

Maximus shrugged. “Mom knows you’re the better cook, and she adores you. Trust me, she’ll be more than happy to let you take over all the future cooking at family gatherings.”

I pushed him toward the table, touched by his words, especially that Cara really liked me. Now that we were becoming parents, it seemed even more important to be close to Maximus’s family. “Sit down and eat. You’ve had a long day.” I took the buns out of the oven and set them down in front of Maximus too, then heated a few patties in the microwave, even if it ruined the texture in my opinion.

“What about you? You need to eat too.”

I sat beside him and made a burger for myself, minus the beef patty. I hated ground meat and could rarely bring myself to eat it. Instead, I just put the chicken breast I’d cooked for myself on the bun.

Maximus watched me while he wolfed down three burgers as if they were the best thing he’d ever eaten. His love for my food really made me happy.

Even if I wasn’t particularly hungry and even felt a hint of queasiness, I forced myself to eat the entire chicken burger. This baby needed nutrients, so I’d give it to it.

“It’s good to see you eat. Maybe this time you won’t feel as sick,” Maximus said after he’d finished his third burger.

“I really hope that’s the case, but I feel like I’m already starting to be sensitive to certain tastes and smells, or maybe it’s just my overactive imagination.” I let out an embarrassed laugh.

“I’ll be by your side through it all. If you need something, just say the word.”

I bit my lip, touched by his words and also a bit guilty because I knew he hadn’t been part of my last pregnancy. He’d only experienced the sad end.

Maximus

During the past few months of trying to get Sara pregnant, I wasn’t sure what I’d feel if she finally got a positive test. With the last pregnancy, I’d only felt shock and a huge sense of responsibility.

The latter was present now too, but besides relief, I also felt happiness and excitement. Having a family had become something tangible with Sara by my side. I knew she’d be a wonderful mother, and our home would be filled with love.

I tensed, regarding Sara as she took a sip from her water, lost in thoughts. My feelings for Sara had grown in the last six months. Before that, I had never allowed myself to build a real connection with her since our whole marriage had been too taut with tension.

Sara finally noticed my staring and reached for my hand on the tabletop, giving me a small smile. “Is everything okay?”

I turned my hand around and wrapped my fingers around hers. Seeing her wedding ring still made me happy. “I was just thinking about how far we’ve come.”

Her smile brightened. “We put the work in, and it’s paying off.”

In the beginning it had felt like work. We both had to force ourselves to meet every evening and watch a movie together, to seek each other’s closeness, to share a bed and be intimate, but now all these things came naturally.

I nodded. “I’m proud of us. And really happy.”

“Me too,” she whispered.

“Let’s go into the living room and watch a movie. I’m too wired to go to bed now.”

“Sounds good.” She got up, and I stepped up to her side, gently touching her back to guide her toward the sofa. Because of our past, I’d always felt very protective of Sara, but I could tell this would reach a new dimension now that she was pregnant.

She gave me an amused look. “I’m not incapacitated.”

I chuckled. “I want to do everything right this time. You are my pregnant wife, and I’ll make sure you have every comfort you need.” We sank down on the couch. I didn’t leave any room between us. I wanted Sara close. She was pregnant with our child. I never wanted her out of my sight if possible.

She regarded me curiously, then relaxed against my shoulder. “I didn’t expect you to be this happy. I didn’t dare to hope for it.”

“But I am. I wasn’t sure what I’d feel before, but I’m excited. I can’t wait to show a boy how to carve and split wood, throw an axe, and read animal tracks in the woods.”

“And what if it’s a girl?” Sara asked with raised eyebrows.

I half hoped it wasn’t. Not because I needed an heir or thought girls were less precious, but a girl was someone else to protect, to keep away from the horrors of our world. With a boy, there was no use in even trying. He belonged to the Famiglia the second he was born.

“I’ll protect her until the day I die.”

Sara put her hand on mine, which rested on my leg. I turned my hand around and curled my fingers around hers like I had done before. “You can teach her how to read animal tracks and how to carve. You can even show her how to throw an axe. Just because she’s a girl doesn’t mean she can’t do these things.”

“You don’t like to do them.”

Sara shrugged. “Just because I don’t like them doesn’t mean she won’t.”

“Then I’ll teach her all these things.”

Sara looked pleased, but I could see a hint of melancholy in her eyes. “I don’t care if it’s a girl or a boy. I just want a healthy baby to hold and to love. That’s all I want, all I pray for.”

I cupped her cheek with my free hand, my eyes burning into hers. “You’ll get it.”

I pressed a kiss to her lips, trying to send her some of my utter resolve. The tears in Sara’s eyes made me feel even more protective. Sara deserved everything she wanted and more. I hoped she’d never have to encounter heartache again.

Sara swallowed and motioned at the TV. “Let’s watch something. I know I’m being too emotional.”

I rubbed her arm. “I can handle your emotions and want you to share them with me.”

Sara squeezed my hand.

“When should we tell our families?” I asked after a moment. I hadn’t talked about it with Dad. He and I weren’t the type to discuss these things, but Mom knew that Sara and I were trying to have a baby. She’d be ecstatic to hear the news.

Sara flushed and looked away. “I…”

“You told your mom,” I said. I wasn’t even surprised. Liliana had been by Sara’s side through it all. She was Sara’s rock. I was hoping to be that one day too, but I had no intention to get between their close bond.

Sara cringed and gave me an apologetic smile. “When I found out this morning, I had to call her. I know I should have told you first. I’m sorry.”

“It’s all right. As long as you let me be part of this pregnancy, I don’t mind if your mom knows things before me.”

Sara put her head down on my shoulder. “Next time, you’ll be the first to know. I promise.”

“You mean with our second child?” I asked.

“I’d like three kids. I always saw me with three.” She peered up at me. “Is that okay? If you want less, I’m sure I’ll be fine too. I don’t want to assume you’ll just want the same things I want. I know marriage is a compromise, and I didn’t do enough of that in the past.”

“I like the idea of a Trevisan trio.”

Sara giggled, giving me a doubtful look. “Really?”

“Really. Maybe even more.”

Sara bit her lip.

I leaned forward and kissed her, then moved back and pulled her against me again. “I’d like to tell my parents in person next time we visit. I should have the day off on Friday, so maybe we can drive over to them.”

Sara sat up but her hand remained in mine. “Mom can keep secrets, so we can tell the rest of my family during dinner on Sunday. You won’t have to work then either, right?”

“If nothing unexpected comes up, I won’t have to work.” Things with the Russians had calmed down considerably. I feared it was the calm before the storm, but it meant I had fewer clients and only our usual debtors.

We headed to bed shortly after without ever watching anything, and Sara undressed in the bathroom while I brushed my teeth. I loved these small, mundane moments that had changed our marriage drastically. That Sara changed in front of me and that we shared more of our daily routine with each other just made this marriage feel more real. I would have never thought I was the type to enjoy married life—the routine and mundanity of it—but I loved returning home to Sara in the evening.

When Sara stood in front of the mirror only in her panties, she turned and regarded her belly, which was still flat of course. She drew in a deep breath, extending her belly until it looked like she was further along. “I can’t wait to look like this.” She gave me an embarrassed smile. I stepped up to her, the toothbrush still in my mouth, and put my palm over her belly. My hands were big, bear paws how my mom always said, and covered all of her belly. She put her much smaller hand over mine and we briefly stood like that. It made me feel strange, an unfamiliar ache in my chest. I stepped back and spit out my toothpaste, trying to determine what I was feeling.

Sara put her nightgown on and slipped under the covers. She had her face tilted up and her eyes closed but opened them when I came in and stretched out beside her. She turned around to face me and smiled. I just smiled back. Then I turned off the lights. Today was a good day.

When I told my mom that Sara and I would be coming over on Friday, she got suspicious. I wasn’t sure how she could tell something was up. Her instincts were always spot-on. The moment Sara and I entered the house, where Mom and Dad were sitting in the kitchen with the dogs, Mom grinned. One look at my face and she simply seemed to know.

Dad glanced between her and us. He obviously wasn’t sure what was up.

Mom could barely contain her excitement when she came over to us. She hugged Sara tightly before either of us said anything. Sara gave me a questioning look. “Did you…?”

“Not a word,” I said.

Mom touched my face and beamed at Sara, who couldn’t help but laugh. She stretched out her arms. “I’m pregnant!” Mom hugged her again.

“I knew it! I just knew it!”

Dad pushed to his feet and stalked over to me. He patted my shoulder, then pulled me in for a rare hug. “Congrats, Max.”

Mom was already doting on Sara. Dad told her congrats too and touched her shoulder with a proud smile.

“Primo’s at work. One of us has to,” Dad said.

“I know, Dad.” With all three of us being Enforcers, it was rare that all of us could take off. I’d tell Primo the next time I saw him, but I doubted he’d be as emotionally invested as my parents.

Dad motioned to the front door. “Help me with one of the kennels. Houdini managed to dig another hole. We got it before he could run off again.”

I followed Dad outside. Houdini had managed to escape his kennel twice so far. The first time, he’d killed a deer; the second time, Dad got him before he could cause more damage. He was unpredictable and needed to be in a kennel.

Dad carried a sack with instant concrete and a bucket with water and two shovels.

“When your mom got pregnant with you, I was excited and scared. Being a father is the most difficult and challenging job. But I was determined not to fuck up.”

“You didn’t,” I said as I stirred the cement into the water. “You were a good dad; you are.”

Dad lifted the huge stone he’d put over the wooden boards over the opening in the ground right at the fence. Houdini was on a chain that prevented him from reaching the fence. Dad was the only one who could go in. Houdini was a massive black-and-white American bulldog trained to kill and fight. He was a lost cause, but Dad would never give him up. We poured the concrete into the hole.

“You’ll be a good father too,” Dad said suddenly.

I hoped that was true. I’d do everything I could to be like Dad. Houdini watched us curiously as we filled his hole and waited for the concrete to set.

“He’ll dig a new hole, Dad. It’s only a matter of time.”

“Maybe. But I hate to have him on a chain. He’s already in prison. I don’t want to make it worse.”

“He’s a danger to others.”

“So are we, but we walk around free.”

I rolled my eyes. “I won’t chew anyone’s face off unless they are Bratva or don’t pay their debts, and even then, most of them get a less harsh punishment.”

Dad ignored me and tested the concrete with a stick. It was still too soft of course.

“You know as well as I do that he might be triggered by screaming children in the future.”

Dad gave me a strange smile. “Already thinking like a dad. I’m proud of you, son.”

I frowned, realizing he had a point.

“He won’t be a risk for your child. Until then, I want him to enjoy his life a bit.”

Even if it wasn’t apparent at first glance, Dad could be a real softy.

Mom appeared on the porch. “Come in. Let’s have some cake to celebrate!”

For some reason, I was tense when we stepped into the Cancio home. Sara and I had been over for dinner before, and I’d always been welcomed warmly, except for Flavio, but there had always been a hint of tension in the air and an insurmountable distance—that I hadn’t ever tried to bridge. I’d accepted it because of the past.

Today, I wondered how the news of Sara and me becoming parents would change things. Only Liliana knew about the pregnancy, and only she’d even known we were trying to have kids.

I wasn’t sure how Flavio and Romero would take the news.

Alea and Inessa came running to greet us. They hugged Sara tightly and gave me big smiles. I greeted Romero with a handshake and Flavio with a nod. He was the one who avoided me, and I had accepted his decision. Fuck, I knew how it was to hold a grudge forever, so I definitely wouldn’t judge him.

Liliana beamed when she came toward us after setting down a plate with homemade antipasti on the dining table. She kissed Sara’s cheek and hugged her tightly before she turned to me and pulled me into a hug as well.

Romero watched everything with curiosity. Liliana had obviously kept our secret.

Flavio frowned at us. Liliana had always tried to make me feel welcome, but today, I could really feel her warmth, which didn’t go unnoticed by Flavio and Romero either.

Sara looked up at me and raised her eyebrows. I gave a nod. She surprised me by taking my hand as she faced her family. That definitely didn’t go unnoticed either. While Sara and I had held hands or shared a quick peck with my parents around, we’d always kept our distance when at the Cancio home.

“We have good news,” Sara said, her voice already clogging up with emotions. She glanced up at me, and I gave a nod, then she looked back at her family. “I’m pregnant!” Tears burst out of her eyes as she laughed and cried simultaneously. I squeezed her hand before I released it so she could hug her sisters and father. Romero turned to Liliana, who looked like this was the happiest day of her life. “You knew?”

“Only for a few days. I had to promise not to tell anyone.”

Romero stepped up to me and held out his hand. I took it. He surprised me by pulling me into a hug and giving my back a pat. “I’m happy for you two, and I can tell you’re happy too.”

He pulled back and gave me a nod. The only one who held back with his excitement—because he didn’t feel any, I assumed—was Flavio. He hugged Sara briefly but gave me only one of his usual nods.

He wasn’t known for being reserved, so this was definitely because he hated me.

“Let’s eat,” Liliana urged.

We settled around the table.

“I should have known something was up when you insisted on buying mayonnaise for the Vitello Tonnato instead of making it yourself,” Inessa said with a grin.

I frowned, not following her train of thought.

“The eggs,” Inessa said in a duh kind of way, giving me an exasperated look. She could be a handful. “Pregnant women aren’t supposed to eat raw eggs, and the storebought stuff Mom got doesn’t have any eggs.”

“Thanks for the life lesson,” I said dryly and gave her a wink.

She raised her chin.

As usual, Liliana had cooked way too much, and it tasted fantastic. After hearing Amo’s stories from his mother’s failed cooking attempts and my mother’s stories of Gianna’s experimental and hazardous cooking style, I wondered how she was so good. “How come you cook like a professional chef and your sisters don’t?”

“They don’t just cook badly, they pose a risk to humankind with their food,” Flavio said. I gave him a surprised look. He rarely said anything when Sara and I were over for dinner.

“I love cooking. For Aria and Gianna, it’s a necessary evil. That’s the main difference,” Liliana said with a smile. I supposed that applied to more than just cooking. I was a good Enforcer because I enjoyed breaking our enemies.

After dinner, Romero asked me to go to his garage to see his new vintage car. I admired the dark green Alfa Romeo 200 Berlina. It had rust all over it, and the brown leather seats were washed out by the sun and had rips in them. Two of the four front lights were broken, and there was probably more damage that wasn’t obvious right away.

I still remembered the first time he’d asked me to join him in his garage after our first Christmas dinner. I had been convinced he’d try to bury me under his car and say it was an accident.

I told Romero as we circled the car, which was too small for my personal comfort.

He gave me an amused look as he let his hand glide over the hood reverently. “I would never kill someone at our home. Lily would never forgive me.”

I chuckled. “So you thought about it.”

He became serious. “There were moments, unreasonable moments that passed quickly. I always knew you weren’t the one I really wanted to kill.”

I gave a nod and pushed my hands into my pockets, wishing I hadn’t brought it up.

Romero stepped up to me. “I’m glad my reasonable side won because I can tell things between you and Sara are good now, and soon you’ll have your own family.”

“We’re working on our marriage every day.”

The door to the garage opened, and Flavio entered, looking uncomfortable. Romero walked toward him, and they exchanged a few quiet words I didn’t catch before Romero moved toward the door. “I’ll grab a few beers for us.”

He left Flavio and me alone. Flavio focused on the car and shrugged. “I feel like a sardine in that car.”

“Me too. I prefer my Suburban.”

“You’re half giant, so it’s not really surprising,” Flavio said with a half smile. He sobered, his eyes on mine. Like Romero, he looked like a mother-in-law’s dream, all sonny boy and white dress shirts. He straightened and cleared his throat. “I…I’m okay with you, you know? It took some time, but I think I’ve worked through it. Mom thinks I should apologize, but I can’t do that. Just know, I’ll try to accept you as part of this family now.”

He extended his hand, and I took it. “I never expected an apology. I understand every bit of hate and anger you felt toward me. I’m glad you’re giving me a chance, though.”

Romero came in with beers shortly after, and we drank them together as he explained his newest car to us. His passionate monologue almost made me eager for one of those babies too, but I simply preferred the comfort of new cars.

Shortly before midnight, I decided to walk home with Sara. It was a short distance and I’d drunk two beers. In the past, that had never stopped me from getting behind the wheel, but fuck, I wouldn’t risk anything with Sara in a car with me. If something happened to her or the baby because of a crash, I’d dump myself in the Hudson with Romero’s and Flavio’s help.

Sara gave me a pleased smile when I told her why I wanted to walk. Holding her hand, we headed down the street. We had almost reached our building when I noticed suspicious movement on the other side. I glanced over but the person who’d slinked from one car to the other was no longer there. Fuck. I reached for my gun and pulled Sara against me but never slowed.

Sara snuggled up to me, obviously not realizing why I had tugged her against me. I was glad. I didn’t want her to be scared.

I walked faster. I couldn’t hunt down whoever had been following us without leaving Sara behind, and that definitely wasn’t an option. I risked another glance back, but I didn’t see anything. Either he was gone or I had imagined the movement, but my instincts usually were on point.

Sara lifted her head curiously as I ushered her into the building and closed the door. “Is everything okay?”

I gave her a forced smile. “I just need to go to the bathroom. Too much beer.”

She shook her head with a laugh and let me pull her along.

Once we were in the apartment, I engaged the lock and hurried into the bathroom. I sent Amo, Romero and Dad a text with what happened.

None of them questioned what I’d seen. Romero promised to search the area with Flavio, and Amo sent more guards and would discuss the situation with Luca.

Dad offered to come over with Primo despite being at work, but that would have only made Sara suspicious. I asked them to take over my debtors tomorrow so I could stay with Sara until I’d figured out a safety concept that would satisfy my need to protect her.

In the weeks that followed my sighting, Sara was either guarded by Flavio and Romero or Dad and Primo when I wasn’t present. I blamed the sudden increase in protection on her pregnancy, and luckily, she believed me.

Sara had gone through enough. I wouldn’t burden her with the knowledge of a possible threat. This time, nothing would happen to her or the baby.