Lustful Hearts

"Oh my god, have you seen this?" Joel came striding through into the kitchen, a look of annoyance crossed his face as he handed me his phone.

I didn't need to look I already knew what it was about. I was hoping he wouldn't have seen the photos on his feed, but judging by his reaction I was guessing he had. "What's wrong?" I asked, praying it was something else entirely.

"Have you seen these pictures of Ruby?"

Oh hell, I was right the first time.

"What pictures?" I asked innocently.

"These pictures on Facebook with Elijah having Ruby wear a doggy tiara, like what the hell?"

"You knew it was coming," I added. I had pre-warned him, I guess he hadn't taken my words seriously, but he did now.

"Yeah, but who buys a dog tiara, like seriously?"

Did he really need to ask?

"This is Elijah." There were no more words needed.

He rolled his eyes and let out a snort. "Yeah, you do have a point."

I watched in amusement as he paced the floor before storming back through. I quickly snatched up my phone, scrolling to his profile.

Sure enough he'd uploaded lots of photographs with Ruby in various poses with the said doggy tiara on.

Even I had to admit it was way over the top, but that was Elijah, he didn't do things by halves.

I clicked off Facebook and threw my phone down. I didn't have to look far, he was curled up on the sofa with Ruby lovingly snuggled into his chest. "Are you okay?" I asked soothingly, my fingers softly trailing along his tattoo sleeve.

"I guess," he bit out.

"Joel, what's wrong?" Surely a few dodgy photos shouldn't be to blame for his arctic like mood right now?

"He just annoys me, Iz."

"Who, Elijah?"

"Yeah, he takes over all the time. She's ours, you're my family, and I feel like he has to butt in all the time and it annoys me so much."

I scooted up the sofa, lying beside him. Our noses were almost touching as I stared into his pained sapphire eyes.

"Joel, you don't have to be jealous, of course we're yours. You just have to humour Elijah, he doesn't realise he's doing it. He would be upset to know you feel this way."

"I know, it's just..."

I pulled his face back around to look at me. "What? Please tell me," I urged, my eyes staring deep into his.

"I've never had a proper family, a proper home, and now I have one and I'm scared."

"Scared of what?"

"Of losing you, at the party you were surrounded by all your family, I've never had that. Never had that many people that cared. Robert, well, I barely see him and my dad." He blew out a snort of disgust. I didn't need him to finish the sentence to know his exact thoughts on the subject.

"Joel, what about your mother's parents, didn't you say they lived in Scotland?"

He frowned at my words. I could already see the walls were coming back up. "Izzy, just leave it."

"But wouldn't you like to have your own family? I'm sure they would love to be reunited with you."

His eyes widened in disgust. "Drop it, Izzy, it isn't even an option. It would hurt them to see me, hell they probably blame me, after all, I killed their daughter."

"Joel, it was an accident, you were a child."

"She still died protecting me, I murdered her."

"NO!"

He flinched slightly, and Ruby jumped in his arms, her eyes wide wondering what was all the commotion. "Shhh Rubes, go back to sleep, it's okay."

My heart ached watching how he soothed her slowly back to her slumber. But I knew the turmoil that he buried beneath that hardened wall he'd built to hide his past. "Joel, we are talking about this."

He frowned, closing his eyes, his arms cuddling Ruby into his chest that was now panting hard.

I knew it was a tough subject to tackle and that he didn't want to go there, but if we ever stood a chance to move on then he had to face his demons head on.

I stood up, gently lifting Ruby from his chest as a mixture of panic and confusion crossed his face. I soothed her, walking over and placing her down into her basket.

Within moments she was back to sleep, and I turned around to face Joel. This was the moment I think we'd both been dreading, but it was now or never.

I settled back down beside him, eye to eye, nose to nose and spoke the words I knew he was dreading. "Tell me about your mother, I need to know everything.

He closed his eyes but not before I watched them fill with a level of pain that almost ripped my hearty in two. "Iz, I can't . . ."

"Shhh... you can, it's just me and you, no judgement, just love. I need to know, Joel, why you carry this guilt around. It affects us both and we need to face it now before it completely breaks us later on."

"I wouldn't..."

"Joel, one day it will spill over, and I'm scared of what that will do to you, please, for me." I lifted his hand to my mouth and kissed each knuckle as he sighed resigning himself to the fact there was now nowhere to hide.

"I don't remember much about her. I get flashes every now and then. I remember small things like how soft and warm her hand was as she held mine, how she called me baby boy, just feeling so safe and secure when she held me in her arms."

He pulled me in tighter and dropped down so his face nuzzled deep into my chest. His hands clung onto me for dear life as he slowly began to tell me all the details of that fateful day.

"I remember it was sunny and we were heading for the beach. It was one of those perfect days and I was wearing my football strip, even then I was obsessed, kicking a ball from the moment I could walk. We were walking along my mum holding my hand as she carried the basket in the other. We were singing as we skipped along, but then we stopped. I think she dropped something, and she let go of my hand. I remember losing the ball, it rolled away, and I chased it laughing like it was a game. I heard her shout my name, but I kept on chasing. I remember being grabbed and thrown onto the grass verge.☐☐☐☐☐☐