Lustful Hearts

I cried from the sudden shock, I wondered why she did that, but when I turned around she was no longer standing behind me, she was now lying flat on the ground.

There was blood, so much blood. I cried and rushed over, but an older lady picked me up and soothed me. But she wasn't my mum, I didn't recognise her touch, I just wanted my mum. The rest is a blur. I remember the flashing lights, Robert holding me for hours, soothing me whenever I called for her.

My dad's tears, the way he looked at me with so much anger. He's never looked at me the same way again so you see I murdered her, the car, it was all my fault."

He sobbed so hard into my chest; all the pain and grief now spilling out in one go. I clutched him tighter, feeling his agony with every breath he took.

My fingers soothingly stroked his hair, my heart was broken for just knowing he'd lived with this guilt for so long.

He was just a child and that snap decision had robbed him of so much love and a home life to be envious of. In that moment everything had changed, and he had paid the price ever since. "Joel, you were a baby. What happened that day was a complete tragedy, one you had no control over."

"But if I ..."

"No, listen to me." I pulled him up so we were now face to face, my hands cupping his cheeks.

"Life is cruel and you lost your mother, but to continually blame yourself is wrong. Your mother's actions that day, throwing you out of the way was acting out of love. She knew the consequences but chose to save the one she loved."

"But if I hadn't."

"We don't know what fate has in store, but that day your mother chose to save you. She would be heartbroken to think you were destroying yourself thinking this way. She saved your life because you were her all; you were her baby.

She wouldn't want you languishing in this misery, consumed by such guilt that was never yours to have. She'd want you happy, enjoying life. I would do the same for my child, I'd step in front of a car to save their life, I'd always put their life before my own."

He gasped at my words, his eyes widened in horror. "Please don't say that, I can't lose you too."

"You have to forgive yourself, or else we'll never move on. A mother's love for her child is unconditional, and one day I'll feel it too, we both will. We'll have a child and be scared to breathe, scared to move in case we do things wrong, but our instincts will kick in and we'll eventually begin to let things flow naturally."

"I like it when you talk about the future, if our kids look anything like you then we'll be blessed with beautiful children."

"I want a baby boy like you, with perfect blue eyes that capture my soul from the moment I look into them. I remember the first moment we met, with these eyes you bewitched me, you cast a spell and in that moment I knew I'd never be anyone else's."

He looked at me with such bewilderment that I almost wanted to laugh. It still shocked me how my words had that ability to astound him, no matter how many times I told him.

"You captured my heart, Joel, and it's never belonged to anyone else. We're going to be so happy, and you'll get to show our kids the kind of love you never experienced from your dad. I can guarantee your mum will smile down on us all, she'll protect us, be our guardian angel and will keep us safe."

Tears rolled down his cheeks, my words bringing out so much emotion inside. I'd finally opened the floodgates, and now I knew things would be easier.

It was like the dark cloud that had followed us for so long had now slowly broken away, and for the first time all I could see were blue skies ahead.

I kissed each tear, whispering words of comfort while he slowly began to heal and come to terms with his past.

"I love you, Iz. You are amazing like an angel."

"Hardly." I snorted.

"You are, you have such a purity about you, an innocence that I long lost, but to be with you it's like I get to experience it again. It's like for a while my past doesn't control me."

He frowned, and I knew deep down he would always regret all the women, his actions of escaping his inner demons.

"Hey, clean slate, remember? Only I

have ever owned this." I placed my hand on his heart. This will only ever belong to me. I don't care about the past. It's the here and now, our

future together is all I'm bothered

about."

He smiled that sexy smile, the one that undone me within seconds, his lips brushed up against mine.

"You make me so happy, you are my

life line, my light, my addiction. I need each kiss like I need my next

breath. You own me body and soul,

and I will cherish each and every precious moment we spend

together."

A tear rolled down my face and Joel frowned, but these were happy tears, his words had made such an impact, I could barely breathe.

"I didn't mean to make you cry, baby," he whispered, looking concerned.

"These are happy tears that I'm blessed to be loved by someone as amazing as you. I wake up every morning, and I'm thankful that you're here by my side and we're taking this journey together." "Always." He lifted my hand and placed a soft kiss on my ring like he was sealing the deal, and my heart skipped a beat.

Soft barking brought us from our trance, Ruby had escaped from her basket and was itching to be with us once again.

I smiled as Joel lowered his hand down and placed her between us, she yapped her approval, quickly covering us both with over excited kisses.

"Okay, Rubes, we know, we love you too." He rolled his eyes at her exuberant playful way, but I could tell he was enjoying every moment too.

"You know Ruby will play her role too, she'll be just as much a part of our children's lives as ours."

He smiled and pulled me nearer.

"You hear that, Rubes, are you going

to take care of our kids? You're our baby now, but when our kids come along you'll help take care of our babies and keep them safe?"

She barked her answer, and we both chuckled, she was just too cute. "I love my little family."

"We love you too." I kissed his jaw before nestling into his neck. Joel had given himself to me whole-heartedly today, unleashing and facing his demons from the past.

But we weren't quite there yet, I knew I had to dig a little deeper. I was sure if Joel knew what my plans were, he'd be very much opposed to them.

But in order for us to be totally free I needed to do this for his sake and to finally say goodbye to the past.