Love Aint Always Pretty

Green-Eyed Monster

- jealousy

Origin: English

42

I miss Nick.

Terribly missing him

I keep on getting myself busy with my studies, exams, assignments and projects. Though time to time, Nick passes by my mind but I would quickly shake him off. It has been almost four weeks since the last time I talked to him. Almost four weeks since he dropped me home. Almost four weeks since I saw him.

I was completely being delusional that I could handle it when he'll tell me that he never wanted more cos I thought if I'd give him time maybe he would come around but he's not.

Tracy, Clyde and I would have dinner together but he wouldn't show up. Sometimes Alec would join us but Nick never did show up even though every night I hope he would. Every night I join dinner with Tracy hoping he would pop out of nowhere like he always do but he's not. He's clearly avoiding me. We both know we need this time and space from each other but the more days pass by, the more I miss him and the more I admit to myself that I can't live life without him.

I stepped out of my last class together with Dustin, my classmate and partner for this pair project to be passed on Monday. Now Dustin was the intelligent guy. He doesn't belong to any fraternity or any clubs around WSU and just like me, he loves to read books. He's a nice guy and I'm glad I was paired with him cos we'll have equal jobs for the project. We'll have intelligent things to say.

"Have you thought about the book we could use?" He asks me as we walk around the campus.

"Not yet. How about we go grab some take out first for dinner before heading straight to my dorm?" I asked.

He nods.

Dustin wasn't really a nerdy looking guy, he was actually charming and he reminds me of Channing. If we were still in high school, he belongs to the preppy club. He's a light auburn haired man with a towering height, but not as tall as Nick. Damn it, I'm mentioning Nick again. Get rid of that name from your head Savannah! Forget about that name.

"I hope you're not going out tonight?" He asks.

"No. Should we get Pizza?" I suggested and he agrees with me.

We walked to the nearest pizza place and he ordered a box for the two of us. He insisted that he'll buy the pizza so I wanted to buy our drinks instead. I wasn't really worried about being in one room with Dustin cos I know he's professional enough to keep his hands off me and his crush was Tracy so he agreed that we'll do the project in my place. We waited patiently on our table for our take out.

"I'm sure we're going to be all-nighters tonight. We need coffee too." He says while we walk inside the place.

"Don't worry. There's this thing called vending machines in the dorm." I winked.

He laughs.

I don't know if what I saw was right but I was captured by the person sitting down right across the table from where we are. Dustin's head was blocking him but I'm sure it was Nick. I'm so sure it was him cos he was looking at me. He's looking at our table. My eyes slightly dilated when I caught him looking at me with his head cocking back and looked right at my direction. After almost four weeks, I saw Nick once again and I had to be with another guy. I quickly looked back at Dustin's face even though I wasn't listening to what he was telling me.

"I just wish we could finish it tonight." He says that caught me.

"Yeah. Same."

When our take out was placed on our table, Dustin quickly grabbed the box and I grabbed the drinks. He stands first that made me see Nick clearly. He freezes the moment he saw me without Dustin blocking. He was with Alec and they were eating. He looks at me eagerly that made me feel like my ass is glued on the seat then his eyes moved at Dustin who was standing right next to me and then looks back at me. Alec moved his head to where Nick was watching and Alec waved at me while smiling.

I smiled at Alec but I didn't dare to look back at Nick again.

"Savannah shall we get going to your room now?" Dustin calls out to me.

Wow Dustin you really have to say that out loud. Announcing that he'll be inside my room probably wasn't the thing that Nick wanted to hear. Crap, we're having pizza and we're heading to my dorm. That's the things I used to do with Nick. I didn't realize it until now. Shit. I shyly stood up and walked with Dustin while we head out of the place.

The minute we got to the dorm it was already seven in the evening. I know it's Friday but I don't feel like going anywhere tonight. I wanted to finish this project so I have an entire free weekend tomorrow and this Sunday. I still have to study for that long exam this coming Wednesday too.

Even though I try to act like I'm busy with my studies, my mind is still filled about Nick and now that I saw him once again after almost four weeks, it's getting much much worst. The way he looked at me being with another man sends pangs of guilt into my body. But I have nothing to be guilty of cos this was what he wanted, he doesn't have the right to be jealous cos we're not in a commitment. We don't have a label. We're not exclusively dating. We're just two people causally fucking.

Now all I have to act is like I don't care if he misjudged the situation he saw.

We hopped inside the elevator and headed go to my room. While the elevator song was humming, Dustin and I talked about the possible books we could use for the project. As soon as the elevator door opens both of us headed to my room and started eating dinner. Tracy wasn't around, I knew it. Dustin was examining all the books I borrowed from the library and since we need two books, each for the both of us. "You've got some rad books here Savannah." He says, complementing the books I own.

I smiled. "Thanks. Here's the last slice. You want it?"

"You want it? You could have it."

"Awwwwe, what a gentleman. Here. You can have it instead." I joked.

He smiled. "Thanks."

When we were done eating, we started with our project right away. I'm quite impressed by Dustin cos he was very good at this. He knows what he's saying and he can really explain it well, I think we can finish it tonight and I'll have a free weekend then.

We spend the next hours researching and reading and more researching but I have no idea how I managed to be so concentrated on our work when my mind was also thinking about Nick. The way he looked when he saw us and heard what Dustin said is still stuck on my head. I think I hurt him.

Well, that makes us even now if he was really hurt.

.....

Around one thirty in the morning, we were officially done with our project. I was sleepy and so does Dustin. I was happy we finished it, I could sleep all day tomorrow without thinking of anything to do then I'll study on Sunday for my Wednesday's exam. I walk Dustin out and he was bummed when Tracy didn't come around. I'm sure she's already at her brother's frat party and she knows I couldn't come around cos of schoolwork.

I changed into my baggiest shirt, taking off my shorts with nothing on me but my underwear beneath it. I took off my bra the second Dustin left. I lay myself down on my bed and just stared at the ceiling. When was about to close my eyes and sleep, there came a knock on the door.

Who could this be at this time?

It could possibly be Tracy.

I gasp.

Or Nick.

Calm down. Calm down. Calm down.

Calm the fuck down Savannah.

I pulled myself up from my bed and headed to the door. I really don't think this could be Nick cos he's been avoiding me. I opened the door wider and I almost jumped back from where I was standing cos it's Nick. What's he doing here?

His hand was leaning on the doorway and his eyes were locked with mine. His shirt was slightly pulled up, showing his v-line. My baggy shirt was white and I think my nipples are showing off cos his eyes glanced at it but then he looked back at me.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

He didn't answer.

"If you're looking for Tracy, she's not--"

"Who was that?" He cut me off.

I paused until I realized he was talking about Dustin.

"He is my classmate. We were paired up for a project and we were making it the entire time." I answered.

He looks at me from head to toe. "And you wore that in front of him?"

I looked at myself.

Shit.

"I could see your fucking nipples from here." He says seriously.

My mouth slightly gaped. I pulled my head back up to him. "We made our fucking project!"

"Project making on a Friday? You expect me to believe that?" He arched an eyebrow. "He stayed here for seven hours. He left at dawn and I find you wearing like that. You expect me to--"

"I don't care if you expect what you're expecting right now Nick." I spit.

I can feel the tension between us. "And how did you even know he left at dawn?"

"I followed you after you left the pizza place with him and I was waiting right outside the dorm the entire time." He said.

My eyes obviously flared momentarily when I heard what he said. He waited.

"You gotta go Nick. It's late." I say.

But he pushed me inside and stormed his way in my room. He locked the door behind him and the entire room was dim, only the light from my lampshade was glowing. I looked away cos if I look at his eyes I'd completely lose it.

"Did you have sex with him or not?" He asks seriously.

I gazed at him but then stared back at my feet. "It's not your concern if we did."

He sighs. "Did you kiss?"

I didn't answer. I want him to realize that he's jealous. I want him to get jealous. I want him to know it hurts too. That he's also hurting whenever it comes to me.

"How many times have you done it with him?" He asks.

I quickly pulled my head up. "If I want to screw a guy in my bed for seven hours straight then that's good for me! It's not your concern if I would do that! You're not entitled to tell me your concerns!"

He bends his head down low and we were both quiet then. He slowly walks to me and grabs my face with his hands, forcing me to look at him. His eyes are distraught and knowing that he's jealous about the thought that I've moved on actually makes me feel good. I can see he's actually jealous though he's not saying it. He brushes his thumb over my cheek and I'm melting again. I was hard as rock a while ago and now I'm melting like ice cream.

"Are you really sleeping with him?" He asks. His blue eyes looking into my eyes, looking for the truth.

"That's none of your business Nick." I say.

"Answer me."

I sigh.

I always give up when it's about Nick. He makes me feel so weak. He makes me feel like he controls me all the time.

"No." I say.

He exhales heavily. He's relieved. But he's obviously hurting. He's hurt but I don't know what to do cos the ball's in his hand. He's the one who can change what we have and I'm sure he can't do that.

"What do I do Savannah?" He asks.

I don't know Nick. I don't know what exactly you want either cos what I want isn't what you want.

"What the fuck in hell do I do?" He added.

SFTC:

The Loneliness - Babyface