Love Aint Always Pretty

Stultus Animi

Translation: stupid feelings

Origin: Latin

41

The glowing sun was slowly rising up in the dull morning sky as the sunbeams were casting down on the window pane. The light was growing more and more vivid making the sky more and more radiant as the glowing sphere climbed higher and higher into the sky. But as beautiful as the morning starts before my eyes, I knew today was going to be horrible.

I was still inside Nick's car. I was still with him. After what I told him last night, neither of us spoke to each other anymore. I didn't try to say anything cos I think I already embarrassed myself too much in front of him. I didn't even catch any sleep because I couldn't sleep at all. I couldn't sleep knowing that he didn't say anything to what I said. I'm still inside his car and he's still sitting down right next to me. We acted like neither of us existed.

The car was parked right before the cliff where I could see the entire city below. My head was starting to hurt and it goes well with my wounded heart. He drove me here after my confession to him. I don't know why we're here either. We stayed here all night. We stayed here wide awake and not talking to each other until the sun is rising. We stayed here and just let the time pass by. I wonder what's on his mind. I wonder what he's thinking.

I opened the car door and decided to watch the city beneath us. I need more air to inhale. A different air cos if I stay longer inside the car, I'll get suffocated. My mind is so confused and so is my heart. All of a sudden I hear a car door closing. Shit, he stepped out of the car too. I'm avoiding to be close to him but he's the one pushing himself back to me. I put my arms up on my chest as if it'll guard me from Nick but I know it's no use. Nick is always everywhere. I exhaled heavily the second he stood right next to me.

"Savannah." He exhales.

My heart skipped when I heard him calling out my name after hours of being quiet. He sounded like he was hurt but he's not as hurt as I am. We've been quiet for two hours now, it's already five in the morning and his voice weakens my entire limb. He weakens my entirety. I can feel him looking at me but I don't want to look at him. I can't look at him.

I feel so stupid. I feel like crying again and I don't know why. I felt neglected after that night when he pushed me away after having sex with me and last night when I told him I love him, he didn't even answer me it made me feel much much worst. I felt even much more neglected. I feel embarrassed of myself because I wanted this and Im hurting.

I'm so embarrassed.

I've never been embarrassed.

"I'm sorry." He says and his voice is weak.

I bite my lower lip trying not to cry. I don't want to look at him because I'll just cry. I don't even want to respond because if he will respond back, I know his answers will just hurt me more. I don't know what he's apologizing for, is he apologizing cos of what he did last night or is he apologizing cos he can't love me back. He stands before me, covering the beautiful view but he's much more a beautiful view than anything. My eyes didn't want to look at him. My face was level to his chest and I didn't want to look up at him.

"Savannah I'm sorry." He says again.

I don't know what I'm supposed to forgive him for. Nick never promised me anything. Nick never promised me love. Nick promised me only one thing and that thing is sex. That was exactly what he gave me. Nothing less and nothing more.

His finger touched my chin, lifting my eyes up to meet his gaze. The feeling of his finger touching my chin is making my jaws tensed up. I'm doing everything I can to fight back my tears, but it's hard. "I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that." He says again. His voice is like hot melted caramel and I'm melting along with it.

My eyes are closed, refusing myself to cry in front of him cos I don't want to do it in front of him. He's apologizing for that night but it felt like he's apologizing for everything. For whatever we have that we both knew wouldn't end well. For not answering back my confession to him. For setting my hopes up. For ruining me after that night when he told me to leave quickly and slammed his door at my face.

His hands pulling me close to his body and I feel his longs arms wrapping around me. His arms are my asylum. His arms are the safest place I could be. His arms makes me feel sheltered. I feel his cheek pressing against the top of my head.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what this is anymore. But I didn't mean to hurt you or make you feel neglected." He confesses.

He sighs. "I don't know what I'm doing and going to do anymore."

Me too Nick.

From this point I don't know what I'm going to do anymore.

We're both completely lost.

We're both new to this.

We're both confused.

Both of us doesn't want to hurt the other, but we're doing it without noticing.

I pulled myself away from him and he slightly releases me. He watches me for a little while before standing right next to where I am. We both watch the sunrise as it illuminates both of our faces. I didn't mind how the sunrays are making my eyes close but I try to keep it open.

"Why are we here?" I asked.

He exhales like he's relieved to hear me speaking again. But he's still not talking about my confession to him. I think he's avoiding to talk about it.

"I come here sometimes to watch the city from below me." He says.

I gazed at him. "You come here a lot?"

He laughs so naturally. "That sounded like a pick up line when you give drinks to someone in a bar."

His smile makes me smile. But the second he watched my smile, he stopped smiling.

"You do that?" I asked.

"Do what?"

"Give drinks to someone in a bar and say that pick up line?"

He shakes his head. "No. I don't feel the need to do that anyways."

I feel something huge changed between me and Nick. I just don't know yet if it's good or bad. But his voice and the way he stares at me makes him seem so distant. I know he brought me here to talk and I just don't know yet what he wants to talk about.

And the thought of it is making me feel tense once again.

"It's not fun, is it?" He blurted.

My head moves to him but he doesn't look at me intently, still my eyes are looking at him even though he's looking straight ahead.

"This thing that you and I are doing is not fun." He added.

I hate that sentence he just said. I want him to take it back. I want him to realize that this thing we are doing is still beautiful no matter how ugly it is getting or how worst it is getting or how pointless it is going. But it's tearing me apart. It is tearing me apart cos he's right.

This is not fun.

"If we don't stop. It will get worst Savannah." He continues.

I know he's right but I don't want to stop any of this. I don't want this to stop even though it'll hurt me much more if we keep on doing this. The thought of not being with him as much as I want to makes my body feel completely hollow. I still want those stolen kisses when he craves to kiss me and pulls me somewhere or kisses me quickly when someone is facing their back at us. I still want those little things he do. I stil want him to call me I'm pretty. I still want to spend my lonesome nights with him in my dorm and just watch movies and eat pizza then make out. I still want to spend time with him. I still want it Nick. Don't tell me we're stopping cos I don't want to yet.

"What did I ever do to upset you this much? Is it because of last night that I told you Im already in love with you?" I asked.

"It wasn't what you did or said Savannah. It's all because of me. Not you. I don't want you to think that this is because of you cos it's not." He says.

"Why do you act like falling in love with each other is a bad thing Nick?" I asked.

"It's because it is."

My heart just shattered. I guess my I Love You to him last night went to waste and it feels like I don't have any chance at all.

"I'm not good with relationships. I don't know how to handle stupid feelings anymore." He said.

Stupid feelings. I chuckle on his answer.

"Falling in love, being in love and staying in love is not a stupid thing Nick." I say.

"Savannah you don't understand me."

I take a little step back. "Then why won't you let me in? Put your stupid fucking armor down and tell me about it so I could understand you Nick."

He gazes at me. "You deserve someone who is utterly in love with you."

"And what if you're that someone but you're just denying to yourself about what you feel for me?"

He shakes his head and looks away. His answer hurts me. The way he shakes his head that way makes me feel he's not going to feel the same thing.

"You expect too much from me that I can't give you in return. I'm not that someone you're hoping for Savannah." He says sternly as if he's sure about it.

Ouch.

"Nick I didn't mean to fall in love with you, but I did. And you didn't mean to make me fall in love, but you did." I said.

He looks at me. "I just wanted it to be fun..."

I bent my head down.

"But I think you have much more different expectations from mine. If we keep on doing this, I will just keep on hurting you. I don't want to hurt you Savannah." he continues.

"So you brought me here to call it off?" My voice is shaking.

He exhales heavily.

"This is a game you might not want to play." He says.

"I think I'm already involve Nick. I'm already playing. I've been playing."

He gazed at me and exhales heavily again.

"And I'm still playing." I say sternly.

"You know, you were right." He says.

My brows creasing.

"It's a good thing we weren't friends at first cos it'll be a lot harder for us." He added.

"Nick I know you like me and when we're together it's just pure bliss. I know you feel that too. Why can't you just admit that to yourself? When people find someone they are compatible with, they open up to them. They let that someone in. They want to be with them Nick." I say.

He didn't answer. I expected him to say something. At least agree to what I said.

"If you really like someone and the sex is really great and you enjoy spending time with each other, why not make a move before that someone slips away?" I asked.

He scratches his hair. "I'm not capable of loving someone anymore Savannah. I don't want to hurt you and trust me when I say that."

It's hurting and it's killing me. Those words killed me. Those words were like bullets passing thoroughly my wounded body.

"Just drive me home Nick." I say at him as I march my way back to his car.

I'm so mad at him to the extent that I want to rip his throat out from him. He gets inside too and sets the car in reverse.

"Savannah--"

"Don't. Say anything. Either admit to yourself that you want me more than just sex or drive me home."

He glanced at me but I set my eyes straight ahead.

"We're not ending this." I said firm.

Nothing.

His face is blank.

He didn't answer.

He's just quiet.

I sigh.

Admit it Nick. Please.

SFTC:

So Cold Ben Cocks‒‒‒‒‒‒‒‒‒‒‒