Love Aint Always Pretty

Caraphernelia

- a broken-heart disease that occurs whenever someone leaves you, but leaves all of their things behind

43

"Tell me to leave." He says.

I didn't answer.

"Push me away. Treat me like a complete shit like how I treated you before." he says.

I didn't answer again.

He looks at me and my eyes couldn't look away. Oh Nick I can't do that. Even if you hurt me, I can't hurt you like that cos I love you and I'm too scared of pushing you away cos I know you won't come back.

"Make me leave Savannah." He added.

I shake my head, my words are not coming out from my lips and I don't know why.

"If you'll tell me to go then I'll go. I'll leave you." He continues as I feel his breath on my neck. But I shake my head once again.

His arms were wrapping around my entire body. He's hugging me close to him that I can't seem to move away cos I love our position. My arms were on my sides. I'm not hugging him back. I don't want to feel anything attached to us anymore cos I'm the only one who's going to get hurt. I'm the only one who'll cry over this.

"I just don't know how to stop myself from wanting you." His lips are moving now, kissing his way up on my ear.

"Then don't." I say.

He shakes his head. "But you don't deserve this. You don't need this."

I shut my eyes. I don't need this but I want this. I'm as confused as you Nick. I know what I want but I just don't know how long will I want it. I don't know how long I could endure this pain

His lips moving up on my jaw, giving it a quick kiss then he moves his way to my mouth. He kisses me lightly while his hands were both cupping my cheeks. My lips is opening intently for him and I kiss him back. I pull him closer to me so I could feel him against me. Here I go again, loosing it just cos he's kissing me. It's wrong cos this will hurt me more. I know after this thing, it will end ugly like the other times but I just want this so much.

He pauses and looks into my eyes as if he's looking for a stray eyelash. "I can't give you more than this." He whispers.

"I know Nick. I know." My voice is shaking and I know he notices it too.

I'm feel like crying again. Damn it.

"I just can't." He added.

But I pulled him in towards me until our lips are kissing again not caring what he said, and not caring if it will hurt me. We completely devour each other. It's been almost a month since we saw each other. Almost a month since we kissed, touched and fucked. He leads me to the bed while we were racing to get each other naked.

I take a few steps back carefully while our lips were still connected to each other. He pulls out my baggy shirt off of me and I help him unbutton his pants while he pulled out his shirt off of him too. "Let's fuck until my feelings are gone Nick." I tell him.

He pulls out a foil, he came prepared. I smiled during our kiss while I feel from the back of my knee that we were close to the bed now. I lay down as I spread my legs wide for him while I watch him licking his lips.

"Are you sure?" He asks.

I nod. "I told you I'm not stopping this. I don't want to stop what we have."

"But it will hurt you."

"I'll deal with the pain." I say confidently even though it's already killing me deep down inside.

He takes off his jeans along with his boxer brief and his erection springs free. He opens the foil and puts on the condom over his length then he slips my underwear off of me. He's over me, against me and the next second inside me.

Sex. This is just sex. I reminded myself. He's not giving you the other part of him Savannah. Stop assuming and expecting for something that he can never give you cos it's not there. It will never be there.

His movement is slow, unlike the one from that night. I feel his tip till the end of his length as it goes in and out slowly. His mouth finds my mouth and he was kissing me terribly amazing but our eyes were looking at each other. Our eyes were open. I'm not closing my eyes cos I'm trying to stop myself from loving him too much. I'm not closing my eyes cos I don't want my emotions to get involve with this. But as I look into his eyes while we kiss, the way his eyes looks at me is completely different from what he's showing and telling me.

I know you want me Nick. I know you do. I can tell it by the way you look at me.

My body arches a little as I clawed the bedsheets while his hand was holding my waists. I feel him gaining speed and more speed. He slams into me deeply for a second then the next he's pulling out. He's repetitive and his speed is constant. A little voice whispers to my ears that this is ugly. What we have is purely gruesome. This is fucked up. This is broken.

But this is all I want.

"Don't stop." I moaned.

He runs his tongue over my lips. "Not planning to."

He applies more pressure on my hips when he grabs my legs behind my knees and pulls it up placing it in between our chests. It's a different position from what we usually do and somehow I feel him thrusting even deeper inside me.

"Nick. Oh my God!" I moaned and calling God and even Jesus Christ.

I'm already pulling my hair cos it's too much greatness inside. The movement is too good. His lips landed on mine and I was already closing my eyes. Our kiss was hard, as deep as he's thrusting me. I'm shaking.

My legs are shaking.

My entire body is shaking.

I'm shuddering and so does he.

He pushes inside me one last time while his lips is still on my mouth. "Savannah." He's moaning my name against my lips.

"Fuck." He curses.

He pulls out slowly from me and we were both trying to catch our breath. "Us. This is so fucking great. God."

I tiredly smile. "I know."

He shifts beside me and we lie down together quietly. My thoughts were trying to sink in now.

Me, trying to let him use me cos I'm a fool.

At least I'm a self-aware fool.

Him, trying to force himself that this wasn't more than sex.

I was mad at him for these past few weeks but one touch from Nick Wilde and it makes everything okay, like we didn't have a fight. What we have is so ugly but I still find something pretty in it because I love him.

I love Nick.

I don't know how long will I be a fool for him but I'd be a fool for Nick.

Only Nick.

"How will you deal with the pain?" He ask.

I gazed at him. "I'm not sure how but I'll try to deal with it."

He props to his elbow and his face was right above me. He leans over and reaches for my lips, he kissed me really quickly. We looked at each other and we were both quiet. The room was quiet and we were just boring our eyes into each other.

"If I'm already hurting you too much, I want you to tell me when you can't take it anymore cos we'll stop this." He says sternly. It sounded like a warning.

"Do you seriously want this to stop?"

He didn't answer me.

"This is something great Nick. Though we don't have any label. Though we're not in a commitment. Though I don't have any hold on to you but I know this is an amazing thing." I said.

He sighs. "Why are you enduring this pain? Why do you want this Savannah? You're letting me use you."

"Because I love you Nick." My voice is shaky now.

"And you're hoping if we keep on having sex I'll love you back? I told you Savannah, I can't give you more than this. I don't do relationships anymore. I just don't."

I choke a sob. I'm not letting my tears fall again. I just can't let him see me cry again.

"Don't tell me you love me cos it'll make me feel guilty." He sits up and starts grabbing his clothes from the floor.

I watch him as he stands from the bed and I try to sit down while grabbing the sheets to cover my naked body. He didn't say anything while he was putting his clothes back. He didn't even look at me when he placed my underwear and baggy shirt right beside me.

My heart is aching cos I don't want him to leave me tonight. I want him to be here with me. I want him to sleep with me. I try to hold back my tears as I put back my underwear and shirt on me because I know something has changed when I confessed to him how I felt. He was watching me while I was getting on my clothes and I keep biting my lip cos my tears are already building up in my eyes. I turn my back to him and wiped my tears. All of a sudden his arms wrapped around my body pulling me tightly against his crotch. He's hugging me from behind and my heart just leaped.

I close my eyes and my tears are falling again on my cheeks. My heart is racing now. His arms makes my broken heart feel secure. I feel him kissing the back of my head then he bent his down that makes his mouth close to my ears. I feel him breathing against my ear.

More tears are falling and falling on my cheeks. There you go again Nick. Saying the right words to me and me as the fool that I am now, is believing and hoping that one day someday you'll fall for me too. Someday maybe you'll realize that you have loved me once I'm gone in your life.

He slowly grabs my shoulders and spins me around to face him. He thumbs away my tears. "I'm hurting you again." He says.

I exhaled heavily.

"Why do you deny it Nick? Why do you say that you're fucking me? Cos that's not what I feel when I look into your eyes when you're on top of me. You're not fucking me Nick. You're making love to me and I know you feel it too the way I feel you when you're inside me." I say.

He bends his head down and we grew silent again. He slowly pulled his head up and kissed my forehead.

"You don't deserve this." he says again.

"Then give me what I deserve."

"It's not from me."

"I want it to be from you." It sounded almost a cry.

Both of us went silent.

"If I can only love again, it would be with you Savannah." he says.

I feel my lips trembling.

He shakes his head. "But I just can't give that to you."

He lets go of my hand.

"Goodnight." He heads to the door.

I didn't answer him. I didn't turn around to face him. I didn't want to look at him walk through that door. I didn't want to look at him leave my room, leaving me alone.

He's leaving already cos he got what he wanted. He had sex from me and that's what he came here for. Even though it was evident on his face that he was jealous over Dustin, he's still as hard as a rock. He can't accept to himself that he loves me too.

"If I can only love again, it would be with you Savannah."

"If I can only love again, it would be with you Savannah."

"If I can only love again, it would be with you Savannah."

My heart is tearing apart by those words and I keep mentally chanting it. I'm crying harder now that he has left my room. Every time I hear those words in my ear, it hurts me even much worst cos I know he couldn't love me. I know he couldn't cos he doesn't want love. I'm losing this battle. He's winning. He knows he's winning.

SFTC:

Use Me - Miguel