Eclipse Child

The woods are lovely,

dark and deep.

But I have promises to keep,

and miles to go before I sleep,

and miles to go before I sleep.

- Robert Frost

Happiness like this cannot be achieved they told me.

Happiness like this cannot be given unless they are planning to take something away from you. Like the universe is some cosmic scale of how much light and darkness you can bear.

They tell you this, but they never put a limit to the amount of darkness you can achieve.

They never tell you that you can only be this sad. You can only achieve this much hatred, or this much pain before you’re bound for joy.

The workings of the world seemed to be pessimistic in itself, but my viewpoint didn’t help.

I wanted to be Alpha.

I almost laugh at my wish for more when I used those words to hide my true feelings or what I wanted.

Don’t we all just want to feel whole?

We seek the things that we think will fulfill us, unknowing in whether or not they will do so. How brave we are- I have to wonder- at the fact that we try again and again to fill such a void, not knowing whether it will cause pain or love in the end.

I sit there quietly with my thoughts.

Maybe it was because I had something more to live for now. I never knew what they said when motherhood reached you and females experienced a change.

Now I understood it.

Your life didn’t seem significant anymore when you compared it to the creature in your hands.

I would do anything for this child.

My thoughts only naturally go to my own parents.

As I vowed to myself, over and over.

I won’t be like my father.

Like my mother.

I will tell my child that she is loved. Everyday. Every hour. Every second.

She will never grow up insecure in my feelings for her. Questioning if I want her to succeed or fail. But now there was a grey line in me when I think about it.

Is success something I wanted if it caused damage? I had created something so…pure. So perfect. I often had to give Tala to Orion and step away because I couldn’t stand that my bloodstained hands were touching her.

Orion didn’t seem to understand.

Grandma would softly reach for Orion, holding him back from whatever words he wanted to say. I wish he would say them, but truthfully, I felt very fragile. So strong, yet at the same time- like I would shatter.

So this is what it is like. So this is what being a parent is like, I marveled.

Your world is no longer your world, but at the same time, their world is not yours.

You are part of them, but are they a part of you?

“Don’t you want to hold Tala?”

I stare at her, so perfect in Orion’s arms.

“I…”

Orion’s face falls as he watches me.

“Soraya. What’s wrong?”

I look away from his gaze. “Give me time Orion. I just need time.”

“She needs her mother.”

I shiver at his words.

I had heard those same words spoken to my own mother.

Give her time Soraya. Sandra had whispered them to me.

Just give her time.

I reach slowly for Tala, smiling up at Orion.

“You’re right.”

His relieved smile reaches me and eases away the panic I was feeling.

I hold Tala, staring down at her.

So perfect.

I feel like I’m going to throw up.

I look up, panic rising in me.

I couldn’t hold her.

I couldn’t hold her anymore- I needed-

“Give her to me Soraya.”

I look up to see Leo.

He seemed to sense that something was wrong the moment he walked in.

“It’s okay. I’ve held many children before. I’m a doctor after all,” he laughs and gently takes her from my hands.

“Thank you.” My words sound weak.

Leo watches me, his smile holding sadness in it.

Sadness I felt but didn’t want to see.

I stumble out of the house, breathing in the air.

Immediately I’m greeted by pack members, those who are congratulating me still, weeks after Tala is born.

I need air. More air that I can breathe in silence.

I go to the edge of the woods, falling on the ground and shivering there. My arms come up to wrap around my legs, a rocking motion coming over me as I let my head fall to my knees.

Weak.

How pathetic was I?

I couldn’t even hold her.

I couldn’t touch her.

How could I tell Orion that I couldn’t even touch our own child? Orion could. Orion was full of goodness and light.

I stare at my hands.

What would happen if I kept touching her? Would the darkness inside me seep through her skin?

The sins of my life will never go away…how can I touch her when I’m…I’m…

“What are you doing here?”

I look up to see a glaring Everett.

My blank stare only causes his scowl to darken.

“Shouldn’t you be with your daughter?”

“I was. I just needed a second.”

He huffs, leaning against a tree and crossing his arm.

“Some mom you are.”

His comment causes tears to prick my eyes.

“Woah…” he pushes back, panic coming onto his face as he sees the reaction his words have caused.

“I thought Alpha’s weren’t suppose to cry?”

“I’m not,” I wipe away a falling tear turning my face away from him.

“Go away- go train or something.”

I shoo him but he doesn’t move.

He continues to stare at me, before whispering, “I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have said that…”

I look up at him, watching as he slowly sits down on the ground to lean against the tree.

“Can I tell you something Soraya?”

I don’t say anything as he continues, “I never had a mom. She died a few days after giving birth to me. It made my dad hate me. My brothers avoided me because of it. But I didn’t care because you can’t miss something you never had.”

He looks sideways at me. I examine him, wondering how I never noticed before the maturity in his gestures or words. He was beyond his years in wisdom and pain.

“I guess…what I’m trying to say is…even though I never had one…these past few months…If I could describe a mom…you’re the first thing that comes to my mind at the word.”

My head raises at his confession. His cheeks are blazing red in embarrassment. He suddenly stands, pointing down at me, “I’m still going to kick your ass when I turn seventeen though.”

I smile. The Everett I knew who terrorized Orion and shouted challenges at me was back.

He shuffles uneasily on his feet, “I…I like the name you chose…Tala…”

“Orion picked it,” I whisper.

Everett makes a face at the mention of Orion.

I stare up at him, suddenly curious.

“And your name? Everett?”

He looks away but I can still see his smile.

“My full name is Everett Mason. My mom named me after my two grandfathers, but it’s so long…so it’s just Everett.”

He runs away, his embarrassment at a peak he can no longer hide.

I watch him, slowly shaking my head at how effective a small boy’s words could be.

It improves slowly after that. The relief is clear in Orion’s eyes as he watches me hold Tala and smile down at her.

Give her time.

That’s what he gave me.

I look up and smile at him, feeling a sense of overwhelming happiness that he was mine and she was our and this was us.

We are walking around the pack. Orion is holding Tala, showing her off to the members in the way he does. I smile at how proud he is.

Someone lightly tapping my shoulder makes me turn to Rex. He leans forward and whispers, “Someone came to the border and requested to see you…I…I think this is a visitor you’re going to want to see, Alpha.”

The tone in his voice catches my attention as I follow him. He leads me to my own house. I catch Orion’s eye, smiling and nodding at him. He watches me, his unease still there, but his attention is soon snatched back by the coos of adoration from various pack members.

Rex continues to lead me. I’m on guard, still unable to shift so soon after giving birth.

The scent hit me as we walk in. I have to pause and evaluate it. Rex stops and smiles as if he can tell what I’m thinking.

“I know. I’ve never encountered anything like it.”

I close my eyes, still absorbed in trying to figure out what it was.

And then my concentration is broken by a polite greeting.

I open my eyes to see a small female standing before me.

She is the source of the strange scent. It clings to her. To her aging skin, the wrinkled folds and greying hair. I still cannot put a name to it.

“Hello Alpha Soraya,” she bows slightly, startling me at the respect shown when her age so clearly outmatches my own.

“Hello…” I look at Rex questioningly, but he seems entranced by the female.

Behind her, three warriors enter the room.

I start, confused with myself at why I wasn’t able to recognize their presence.

It’s because of her.

My thoughts immediately come to that conclusion. She took all my attention.

Two males and one female, their posture obviously showing hostility as they glare at me. The elder female though looks up, her brown eyes sparkling with a happiness that makes me want to move closer to her.

I’ve never experienced it before.

Part of me wants to fall at her feet and cry all my worries into her arms as she listens. She seemed as if she could soothe my soul with one word. But another part of me felt weary at the effect she was having.

“My name is Sansa, I’m a healer at the Mayari pack.

Mayari.

The word pulls the breath from my lungs.

Alba Rosa is the fifth largest pack, Soraya.

Father’s sigh a distant memory in my mind.

Alba Rosa is the fifth largest pack, Soraya, and has been for the longest time.

Then father…who is the largest?

“You…you’ve traveled far…”

The healer smiles, “I have. It took many weeks to get here. My back almost gave out halfway- I was very soar.”

Her words contract the polite image I had imagined of her.

The three warriors behind her exchange looks, making me wonder if the journey had been more difficult than the female let on.

“But we finally made it, thank the Moon.”

She shakes her head and holds out her hand. One of the warrior’s steps forward, holding out a walking stick for her.

With her words of back pain and the need for a cane, I almost imagined a hobbled step. But her walk is smooth and easy. It’s like she is gliding towards me.

“I heard you have a beautiful little girl,” the healer smiles and looks up at me, “How wonderfully blessed you are.”

I smile down at her, “yes. Thank you.”

She looks to her warriors. If she had not introduced herself, I would have assumed she was an Alpha.

“I’ve come a long way Alpha Soraya, but unfortunately, it wasn’t to see your child, or even to see you.”

“Then what have you come for?”

She turns her head to the side, peering up at me with her brown eyes. Those eyes held more life than I had ever seen in anyone.

“Is there a wolf here by the name of Leonardo?”

“Yes…,” I hesitate before responding, “He’s my brother.”

“Good. Bring him to me.”

There is a pause before I whisper, “Excuse me?”

“Bring him here. Now. To me.”

“Why?” Tension begins to roll in the room as I bare my teeth. The warriors do the same, low growls rising from them.

The healer quickly turns, faster than I thought possible for one her age, and claps her hands.

“No! Stop that.”

The warriors look ashamed, like animals that had been reprimanded by their masters.

She turns back to me, “I mean no harm. I only travel with so many warriors because my-,”

“I don’t care about your-,”

“How dare you interrupt-,”

“-I was talking!”

The room bursts into rage as the warriors, me and Rex all begin shouting.

The loud banging of the walking stick against the floor stops us as the female hits it over and over to silence our shouting.

“Enough!”

She shakes her head, “I will find Leonardo myself.”

“Like hell-,”

Her cane comes down just above my knee causing them to buckle.

She laughs, “pressure points. Have to love them.”

“Rex!”

Rex moves in front of the door.

“Why do you want Leo?”

“Oh…” The healer stops in confusion, “didn’t I explain that already?”

One of the warriors behind her signs, “No healer Sansa. You didn’t.”

“Must have forgotten.”

She turns to face me and smiles, “I’m looking for an apprentice, someone to teach my practice to. I think Leonardo would be a prime candidate.”

“You’re a doctor?”

“Healer.”

“Leo’s a doc-,”

“Healer Sansa is the best in the region,” one of the warrior's outcry catches my attention, but the elder female only holds up her hand.

“Please bring Leonardo to me. I wish to talk to him face to face.”

I cautiously stand, my leg still shaking slightly. I eye the female wearily before backing towards the door.

“Rex, watch them.”

He nods his head, moving to replace me in front of the door.

It doesn’t take long to find Leo.

He is sitting in front of what will soon be the clinic, watching Orion as he still holds Tala up and talks to the pack members.

He looks up at my approach.

“Leo, I need you to come with me.”

Wordlessly he follows. I wince slightly at how there is a drag to his body now. My happiness seemed to only be an outlet for his sorrow. Grandma and I spent many nights up together, talking about what could be done, but neither of us could come up with a solution.

He pauses at the doorway. I can see why Rex smiled now. Watching the reaction is almost humorous when you know what is going to happen.

Leo opens his eyes, still inhaling the strange scent.

They have moved away from the door, into the living room.

The warriors are standing around the elder female, still in a defensive pose as they watch Rex. His shoulders fall in relief slightly when we enter the room.

The elder healer looks up and smiles.

“You must be Leonardo.”

Leo seems frozen in place.

I cautiously move to stand beside him. I have not done much in this world to shield Leo, but this, this I could try to protect him from.

“He’s here. Now, what do you want to say to him.”

“Please sit.”

We both stare blankly at her as she invites me to sit in my own house.

Leo moves first, walking around me to sit down in front of her.

The elder female sighs and closes her eyes.

“Mmmhh.”

We sit in silence for several minutes before she slowly opens her eyes and smiles at him.

“Yes. You’re the one I’ve been looking for.”

Leo is still staring at her wordlessly.

“Leonardo, I can scent your pain. It’s very dominant now within the room.”

Leo flinches from her words. I take a step closer, my nerves on edge, but she continues talking.

“You lost your mate.”

The tone of her voice stops me from taking action.

Because her tone was filled with her own sorrow.

She doesn’t reach for him.

She doesn’t comfort him as I’ve thought of doing so many times.

Instead, she smiles sadly at my lost brother, raising her hand to pull down the neck sleeve of her shirt.

“Look Leonardo.”

We can all see what she is showing.

A faded mate mark.

Leo’s eyes widen at her reveal.

“I know your pain,” she whispers. Her eyes show so much emotion, that I wish I could look away.

“How…” Leo’s strangled word fades out as he stares at her.

She leans her head to the side, “how can one survive without the other half of their soul? You say it’s impossible? You say life is tragic because there is no future for you to search for? Because the happiness of others cannot be reached by you?”

She stands then, and glides towards him, her cane clinking against the floor.

I’m just as entranced by her words and movements as Leo is.

“You see Leonardo, I am asking you to come with me so that I can teach you my practice of medicine and herbs. But I can teach you so much more. I can teach you how to cast off this weight that has been crushing you. It doesn’t have to crush you.”

Tears fill Leo’s eyes as he looks up at this female. This female who seems like a savior to me for him.

“How?”

She only reaches forward and takes his hand for herself, soothingly stroking his fingers and looking down at them.

“I heard of your story from a male. A male similar to yourself. There was nothing I could do for him because he chose to make it so. But you are full of life that is yet unlived. Will you come with me Leonardo?”

Leo stands. His whole body is shaking. He takes off his glasses, rubbing his eyes to try and clear away the tears.

The elder female reaches for them, taking away the lens.

“You don’t need to hide behind these anymore.”

And that’s when he shatters.

Leo falls to the floor, his knees hitting the wood.

Just as I had the urge to give into my sorrow and cry my heart out to this strange wonder- so did Leo. And he didn’t resist the urge when it came to him. He let it wash over his soul.

I watch as this stranger- this complete stranger- gave the comfort I had been trying to give for so long.

“Oh my,” she softly pats the top of his head, turning back to look up at me.

“I’m going to assume that means yes.”