The Rules of Dating a Younger Man

With the Ryan’s House renovation over, Brayden and I now had our weekends back, so I spent an amazing couple of days in the City with him. On Friday we’d gone to the MET and had dinner in Chinatown. Then Saturday, since it rained, we’d had a cozy day and night in watching movies and making homemade pizzas.

Today, though, was about catching up with Brayden’s friends before I had to go back to Connecticut on Monday morning. An emptiness always followed me around when I knew I had to leave Brayden soon. But I was excited for a surprise I had for him later this afternoon. The sun was shining today, and I felt optimistic about the future.

Our first stop was Holden and Lala’s for Sunday brunch, and we’d just finished telling them the story of the infamous pink dildo.

Holden nearly choked on his coffee. “That sounds like something that would happen to me.”

“Actually,” Brayden corrected. “You’d plant a vibrator in someone’s jacket just to mess with them. Then you’d watch to see how the hell they explained themselves.”

“You’re right. That’s more my speed,” Holden agreed. “You might’ve just given me an idea for Colby’s next birthday gift.”

Lala bounced baby Hope and turned to me. “So, when are you moving to the building?” She winked. “I know you haven’t figured anything out yet. I’m just kidding.” She shrugged. “But maybe secretly hoping?”

“I could get used to it around here.” I smiled. “We’ve had such a fun weekend, and I certainly don’t feel like going home.”

Brayden wrapped his arm around me. “But alas, her entire career and business is in Connecticut. We can’t take the spa with us. But I can do my job from anywhere and will just travel when I need to. So, looks like I’m gonna be a bit scarce around here for a while. I’ll be spending most weeks up there with Alex once I move my stuff at the end of this week.”

“You? Scarce?” Holden taunted. “What else is new? You’re the most scarce one around here anyway.” He faced me. “Alex, don’t let him fool you. We don’t need Brayden around these parts. Colby and I have everything under control since Owen flew the coop, too.”

“We see Owen a lot, though,” Lala said. “He’s still in the City. Brayden will be a few hours away.”

Brayden having to leave this place had always made me sad. While he had a good relationship with his father back in Philly, his true family was right here. Found family could be much more important than blood family. Just look at Caitlin and me.

I looked over at Brayden, who was playing peekaboo with Hope. He revealed his face with the most adorable expression. It melted my heart and made my ovaries explode all at once. Hope giggled and flashed him the cutest toothless smile.

“Look at the way she’s looking at you,” Lala said.

“Hope loves her favorite uncle,” Brayden cooed. “Right, baby girl? You and I both know I’m your favorite. These other guys are all tied up with their own kids, but Uncle Brayden gives you all of his attention.” Brayden lifted Hope out of her highchair and onto his lap. He blew raspberries as he bounced her. She erupted into little giggles again as she looked up at him.

I thought about her name. Hope.

I held on to hope by a thread when it came to having a baby of my own. Supposedly I’d ruled it out years ago, and I wasn’t even sure it was possible, but more and more lately, I found myself thinking about it.

Longing washed over me as I watched Brayden with her. His gaze drifted to mine for a moment, and he narrowed his eyes as if he could sense something on my mind—almost like he could see right through me. I wished I hadn’t made it so obvious. That wasn’t my intent.

He returned his focus to Hope, but there was a new, unspoken tension in the air after that.

After we left Holden and Lala’s, we stopped back over to Brayden’s apartment to use the bathroom and freshen up before heading out again. But before I could get to the bathroom, Brayden wrapped his arms around me and gently backed me against the wall.

“What are you doing?” I chuckled.

He placed one hand on each side of my body, locking me in to kiss me passionately. He spoke over my lips. “I saw the way you were looking at me and Hope.”

I swallowed. “Okay…”

“I feel like I know what you were thinking, but I want you to tell me if I’m wrong.”

“What do you think I was thinking?”

“I guess it was more what you were feeling…”

Feeling exposed, I looked down at my feet. “It was a mixture of hope and fear.” I sighed. “I worry I won’t be able to give you one of your own, but I hope there might still be a chance.”

“I’ve told you before, there are lots of ways to have kids.”

I ran my fingers through his hair. “Yeah. But not with your beautiful eyes and face. I want that for you, a child of your own.”

“What about your beautiful eyes and face? What do you want for you, Alex? Never mind me. Take me out of the equation. Is there any part of you that regrets not having a biological child? Because if the answer is no, you shouldn’t feel pressured because of me.”

“I’m afraid to let those feelings in.”

“Don’t be afraid,” he whispered.

“There is a part of me that regrets it, yes,” I said after a moment. “Very much so.”

He nodded. “You know what I was thinking when I was looking at Hope?”

“What?”

“It wasn’t that I wished I had a baby of my own. I was thinking how much I could see Ryan’s face in hers.” He smiled. “And it felt like a gift. I felt such gratitude for all I have in my life right now. There wasn’t any part of me wishing for something else. Would it be a dream to share the experience of having a baby with you? To see your beautiful body growing with my baby in your belly? God, I want that so much it hurts. But even so…there’s nothing I want more than to have you in my life and for you to be happy, whether we have a kid of our own or not.” He placed his forehead against mine. “I’m a true believer that what’s meant to happen will. What I won’t accept is letting fear of an imagined future outcome steal our today.”

I needed clarification. “Are you telling me you’ll be fine if I can never give you a biological child of your own?”

“I am.” He raised a brow. “Will you?”

I took a deep breath in and exhaled. “I think it was easier when I’d convinced myself I didn’t want a baby. Back when Richard and I got married, he was adamant that he didn’t want any more kids. He’d had a vasectomy before we met. That made it easier to accept the finality. I told myself my life was better off, that I had more independence and more time for Caitlin. And mostly I believed it. But the truth comes out intermittently—a feeling in my chest sometimes when I see a mother with her baby in the park or a woman walking hand in hand with her little one.” I looked into his eyes. “It’s regret. But it’s one thing to regret something, and another to long for the unattainable. I’ve never longed for a baby more than I do now. Because of you. Because I’m in love with someone who also wants a baby someday, which makes me want it more. And I hate that I could be the one holding us back—not because I don’t want one, but because my body can’t make one.” I shut my eyes and let out a long breath. “It felt good to let that out.”

He pulled me close. “I’m so glad you did.”

“We’re not even engaged. I know it’s premature to be thinking about this, but the truth is…” I stepped back to look at him. “I don’t have a lot of time, Brayden. I’m panicking a little. I feel like every day that passes, I have less of a chance. When you get to a certain age, every day matters.” I teared up.

“Oh, baby. I’m sorry. I didn’t know this was weighing on you.” He cradled my face. “I love you so much. And I’ll do whatever it takes to make you feel better. What do you need from me?”

I wiped my eyes and sniffled. “I need you to turn back time.”

“I would never do that if it meant not ending up exactly where we are now.” He smiled. “Look, I can’t turn back time, but I sure as hell can avoid wasting a second of the time we have. I don’t ever want you to have regrets. Why don’t we throw caution to the wind and see what happens?”

My eyes widened. “Start trying to have a baby? We don’t even live together yet.”

“I’m suggesting we have lots of sex—which we do anyway—and not do anything to prevent it. There are no guarantees, but there is a lot of power in belief. Your body listens to your mind. If we believe it will happen for us, I think it will. Instead of pushing the thoughts away, let’s let them in. Let yourself imagine us with a baby. Believe it. And I’ll do the same.”

Believe it.

Believe was like the opposite of hope. Hope was wishing for something. Belief was knowing. Could I do that? Would it hurt even more if I convinced myself it could happen and it didn’t? I had to try. I narrowed my eyes. “Would you be ready if by some chance I got pregnant?”

“I’d be as ready tomorrow as I would be next year.”

“You promise you’re not just saying that…”

“I’ve never lied to you, Alex.” His eyes were sincere. “I promise.”

I exhaled. “This is crazy.”

“Well, even if I manage to knock you up, we won’t be able to say that’s the craziest thing to ever happen to us. That ship’s sailed.”

***

Later that afternoon, I’d told Brayden I wanted to see the West Village, but I actually had a very specific destination in mind. When we arrived, I stopped in front of the building. “There’s a place I want to show you,” I told him.

“This is my city. I’m supposed to be showing you around.”

Almost as soon as he’d said it, Owen appeared, walking toward us. Brayden’s face lit up in surprise. “Hey, man. What are you doing in this neck of the woods?” he asked.

“Alex asked me to come.”

Brayden’s eyes filled with suspicion. “Did she now?”

Just then a car pulled up, and none other than Wells exited the vehicle.

Brayden’s brows knitted. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“I missed your pretty face.”

“Besides that…”

Wells put his hands on his hips and turned to me. “Did you tell him yet?”

Brayden looked back and forth between Wells and me. “Tell me what?”

Owen took out a set of keys and led the way to the building. “Let’s step inside, shall we?”

“What is this place?” Brayden asked.

“It’s a space that’s for lease,” I finally said.

“Yeah, I kind of got that.”

“Wells and I have been talking about taking over one of the medi-spas here in the City for some time,” I began.

“Alex never wanted to bite the bullet until recently,” Wells added. “Any reason you can think of that she might’ve had a change of heart?”

“You’re thinking of opening a business here?” Brayden asked, shock on his face. “What about the Connecticut spa?”

“Wells and I have decided to sell it and use the money toward this acquisition,” I explained. “We’ll be taking over all of the New York spa’s existing services and staff and adding some of our own in this new location. It’s going to be a win-win for their clients, and a win-win for me because I’ll get to be in the City with you full time.” I could see the information hitting him in waves.

“Holy shit. You’re moving here? I can’t believe you’ve been keeping this from me.”

“Well, I wanted to surprise you. I hope it’s a good surprise?”

“Um…yes! You’ve given me everything I could ever ask for. No wonder you’ve been wishy-washy about me moving my stuff to Connecticut, telling me to take my time. Here I was thinking you might’ve been having doubts about me invading your space.”

I grinned. “Not at all. Instead, I’ll be invading yours. I know you didn’t want to move. You were doing it for me. And I so appreciate that. But it will be a good change for me to be here. Living with you in the house Richard and I built never quite felt right. It’s time for me to move to a new chapter in my life.”

Brayden shook his head. “I can’t believe this.”

Wells smacked Brayden on the back. “Believe it, loverboy.”

“Let’s look around,” Owen said, beaming.

After we toured the space, we sat down with Owen, who ran specs for commercial properties that had been recently leased in this area. Since there were several other interested parties, we wanted to move fast, so we ended the afternoon by signing a preliminary agreement to lease the space.

***

Later that evening, Brayden, Wells, and I met Colby and Billie for dinner to celebrate.

“I’m so happy for you guys,” Billie said. “Here I thought we were gonna be losing Brayden, but we’re gaining Alex instead.”

I looked at Billie and Colby across the table. “I can’t thank you enough for being so welcoming to me.”

Colby poured some of the celebratory champagne Brayden had ordered for the table. “Thank you for making my buddy so happy.”

“Thank you for making my girl feel at home,” Wells added. “Any apartments open in the building for me, by the way?”

Colby scratched his chin. “Nothing at the moment, but we can put you first on the list.”

“I’d appreciate that.” Wells grinned.

“Are you moving into Brayden’s apartment, or are you guys thinking of getting a different place?” Billie asked.

I turned to Brayden. “His apartment is big enough for the two of us. It just needs a little tender loving care, maybe some art on the wall.”

“If you look up bachelor pad in the dictionary, I’m pretty sure Brayden’s apartment comes up,” Colby teased.

Brayden shrugged. “Hey, at least I gave her a blank slate to work with, right?”

I brushed a piece of his hair off his forehead. “You’re so thoughtful.”

“Correction,” Wells said. “You gave me a blank slate to work with, Brayden.” He turned to me. “Kitten, we need to rectify this fast. I can’t wait to decorate.”

As dinner began to wind down, I leaned over to Billie. “I was thinking of taking you up on your offer to ink me, if that’s something you have time for.”

“I’ll make time for you. You have no idea how exciting it is for me to give someone their first tattoo. You know what you want?”

“I do, actually. It’s simple, and you’ll probably think it’s boring, but I have to start somewhere.”

“What is it?” Brayden asked.

“You’ll have to wait and find out,” I told him.

Billie slapped her cloth napkin down on the table. “Well, hopefully not too long. Let’s go over to the shop after dinner.”

I stilled. “Tonight?”

“Why? You gonna change your mind or something?”

“No. I just figured I’d have to book an appointment well in advance.”

Billie shook her head. “I have a six-month wait. There’s no booking for friends. It’ll be fun. Like a little nightcap.”

“Any chance your hot, tatted, very gay employee might be there?” Wells asked. “The guy with the name that sounds like dick Brayden has been telling me about?”

So wrapped up in my own stuff lately, I’d nearly forgotten Wells had broken up with his boyfriend and was now on the hunt again.

“I can definitely call Deek and ask if he’d like to come downstairs and join us,” Billie said. “He lives right in our building.”

Once we’d finished, the five of us headed straight from dinner to Billie’s tattoo shop.

Deek was indeed available and was waiting for us when we got there. I’d seen him once in the past, and he was everything I remembered: hugely tall, buff, and inked from top to bottom.

Wells’s eyes lit up like I’d never seen before. “So, this is the famous Deek.”

Deek held out his big hand. “Well, well, Wells. Nice to finally meet you. I’ve heard all good things from Brayden.”

“Same.”

Did my friend just blush? I smiled at the prospect of something happening with them. How fitting for my best friend to end up with one of Brayden’s friends. It might’ve been a pipe dream, but it was fun to think about. And then before I knew it, Wells and Deek had taken off without even saying goodbye. I guess the night was just starting for them. I had to laugh.

Billie and I went to one of the workstations, and I described what I wanted softly.

“You sure that’s it?” she asked.

“If you don’t mind, yes.”

Brayden gazed over at me from the other side of the shop while Billie went to work, inking a single word in beautiful script on the inside of my wrist: Believe