Pregnant

Chapter 39

Ofith the boys, I nearly faltered, afraid they might sense the lingering devastation’s magnitude. But love’s light proved the more powerful beacon. The very air shimmered in their youthful glow, banishing the hulking darkness. No flaws could withstand such brilliant purity.

As we walked together through the sheltere

castle gardens, I released the last stubborn burdens in my heart, willing them to the river’s passing waters. Terra’s choices were mine to judge or lament anymore. I simply gave thanks that fate had granted me these precious boys to guide through life’s rapids ahead. Their arms bracing me kept my head above the crushing currents.

By the time evening’s chill crept beneath the towering trees, I felt some semblance of equilibrium restored. My sons‘ bright spirits had scoured away the lingering traces of bitterness towards their mother. For their innocence, our time would remain only light. The shadows between us were my own to confront and conquer alone.

I bent to embrace the boys tightly once more, breathing in their sweet mischief and purity. “Be good, and know I eagerly await our next adventures,” I whispered against their silky hair. Looking up, I gave Terra a sombre but sincere nod. Her assessing eyes reflected surprise and something that may have been respect. But I did not linger to analyse further, taking quiet pride in simply doing right. My only lingering wish was to someday stand as worthy in my own eyes.

Rather than immediately departing alone, stifling silence in my sole company, I wandered slowly through the sheltered woods surrounding Terra’s majestic estate after leaving the boys. Her world was not mine – but for a few stolen moments I could still savour the graceful oaks standing sentinel, their tranquil healing.

No land truly belonged to one being alone, though we vainly marked deeds in ink. All was borrowed for a fleeting heartbeat from those who come before and after. Wisdom lay in honouring that grace, not grieving its loss.

Dusk deepened as I finally turned reluctant feet homeward. But unexpectedly, voices nearby drew me up short. A familiar confident baritone sent acid churning in my gut.

The rival Alpha. He stood arrogantly with one hand braced on a mighty trunk, head inclined toward Terra obscured in shadows.

They spoke too softly to make out words, but intimacy conveyed in their subtle movements screamed louder than any shouts. A moonbeam illuminated his blond head dipping as though to steal a kiss. My vision washed red.

Some primal darkness unleashed then. Reason fled before blistering rage. I was upon them in seconds, shouting accusations and tearing them apart.

But even as my fists pummelling ribs and stomach, dodging counter blows viciously, the black wave broke.

I stumbled back in dismay from the ravaged figure now curled on pine needles at my feet, groaning in pain. It was Collins, not the nameless rival I envisioned. And his split cheek oozed blood.

“Oh goddess forgive me…” I choked out hoarsely, shaking. Terra shoved past immediately to assess Collins‘ injuries with tender care that lanced my heart anew.

She shot me one blistering look promising wrath to come, then turned dismissively back to Collins. They conversed in low tones that seemed painfully intimate.

A gulf now yawned between us too expensive to ever bridge. This savagery was the very poison she feared from me. I had proven myself the beast at last.

Numbly I backed away, her hissed threats barely registering through the roaring in my skull.

No excuses existed for such primitive violence, whatever their clandestine relationship. She had every right to turn from

1. me.

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My quest for redemption lay in ruins among the rustling pines. I had sacrificed everything tenuously rebuilt between us upon suspicion’s bloody altar once again. No true evolution was possible while jealous possessiveness yet ruled my heart. I was damned.

Once the trees engulfed me in shadow, I finally turned and staggered on. Even the loyal Derek’s urgent queries barely registered through the smothering shroud of despair enfolding me. I had lost all claim to authority among civilised companies.

The only possible path now was exile back to the wild myself.

of unreasoning beasts. There I could savage none except

I roamed for hours trying to quell the ugly throbbing darkness with pure physical exertion. But no matter how far or desperately I ran, the ravening madness yet hounded my heels. These primal demons were bound to my soul.

Sometime deep in the blackest dead of night, I found myself on hands and knees retching helplessly beside an icy stream. Nothing but bitter bile emerged to purge the foulness inside. Soul sickness could not be vomited out.

At last I collapsed against a mossy bank, spent. Utterly disgraced and despondent, only one possible redemption existed now…if possessed courage enough to carry it through.

But despite profound stains on my conscience, a flicker of fatherly love yet burned stubbornly against fate’s battering winds. I must try for my sons‘ sake.

On leaden legs I slowly turned back towards the city, shuddering against the rising dawn wind. However undeserved, I still clung fiercely to a glimmer of light in the encroaching darkness.

نه

Weeks passed in fog. My public facade remained intact enough thanks to years of practised composure. But nights still found me hunched over the toilet or sink retching endlessly to expunge demons that could not be purged. Sleep held only nightmares of violence leaving my hands dripping red. And every waking moment was tormented with visions of Terra’s contemptuous eyes. I had proven myself irredeemable.

But grim determination goaded me on through bleak days. However outrageous the demands on my restraint, I would not fail again. Small consistent acts affirming compassion and service were the only path to redemption now. My own wants mattered naught. By submitting fully to leadership’s sacrifice, perhaps the spirits I had utterly betrayed might someday be appeased.

Father had melded seamlessly into the role of interim Alpha in my absence with Derek’s aid.

Neither pressed for details when I appeared those first several days haggard and battered. They simply led bracing forest runs ending in quiet companionship around flickering bonfires that gradually helped pieces splinter off my spirit. But fuse certain shards back together, I could not.

That mortification was now my permanent burden to bear. I drew some pathetic comfort knowing I had spared Collins or Terra far worse violence in my blind savage state. But remorse could never erase deeds done, however genuine. The blood

my hands. forever stained

Allowing Father governance and removing myself from petition hearings felt necessary postures of contrition. The pack deserved leadership uncorrupted by primal impulse. But curiously my self–imposed penance seemed to lighten others‘ steps.

Counsellors smiled more readily without my morose presence. Common workers I passed on brief sanctioned walks clasped my shoulder in encouragement, their humble voices bolstering my flagging will.

Somehow despite my disgrace, letting true wolf spirit guide us again inspired fresh unity and purpose. I could not comprehend it. But the pack accepted me, however unfit to lead Their loyalty humbled and offered the faintest hope.

When Father suggested I resume trade agreement negotiations soon, I floundered between raw panic at my unworthiness and instincts craving purpose. But his calming faith grounded me once more. “The pack needs your presence, Nathan. You fell, but did not fail entirely. Rise now. We shall walk this redemption path together.”

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And so I haltingly resumed attending agricultural council meetings, relearning basics of self–discipline under Father’s discreet guidance. The direct needs of the people anchored me. Blunders were frequent, rage still simmered dangerously near boiling.

But each small victory of patience under provocation was another vital step out of darkness. Some days my only achievement was refraining from howling or rending furniture to splinters.

Yet it sufficed. None were without stains. I had to reclaim my own redemption with time, as with any wilderness slowly regrowing after fire’s devastation.

The years ahead would surely bring lapses and doubts aplenty. But calm purpose once again settled tentatively in my being. I could not erase past savagery. Its branding would remain eternally.

But through consistent humble leadership, preventing future harm became possible. That was now my solitary concern – disproving the brutal beast Terra knew yet lurked within me. I had sworn to always walk in the light for my sons.

That oath stood, whatever the costs.

SEND GIFT