Egomaniac

I don’t sweat.

I’ve stood up in court and flown by the seat of my pants when a witness changed his testimony and a judge was staring down his nose at me—nothing. Yet somehow, today I had to blot my forehead, and the paper napkin stuck to my sweaty palms.

Why did I have to do this today? I wasn’t ready. Beck wasn’t ready. But that wouldn’t stop my ex-wife. She’d threatened to tell Beck when I returned him later tonight if I didn’t, and though she wasn’t a woman of her word, I was certain she’d make good on this threat.

It was the second time in as many weeks that I was channeling my father. Rip the Band-Aid off was his favorite cliché. I only hoped my son’s face didn’t look anything like Emerie’s did when I broke things off.

I turned to Beck, who was belly laughing watching cartoons, and looked at my watch. Shit. I was out of time to stall.

“Beck? Buddy? I need to talk to you about something before you go back to Mommy’s tonight. Do you think you can turn off the TV?”

He turned to me, such a sweet, easygoing boy. “Okay, Daddy.”

After he got up and grabbed the remote from the desk, he sat back down and turned, giving me his full attention. My mouth was suddenly dry, making it hard to speak. There was no easy way to break this to a kid, no matter how I padded it.

“Is everything okay? You look like I do before I barf.” Beck stood. “Do you want me to get you a bucket like you do for me when I barf?”

I laughed nervously. “No, buddy. I don’t need a bucket.” At least I don’t think I do. “Sit down. It’s about me being your daddy.”

His face fell. “Are you not going to be my daddy anymore? Is that why you won’t take me home to your house?”

I might need that bucket after all. “Oh, God. Nothing like that at all. I’m never going to stop being your daddy. But…” Fuck it, here it goes. “But some kids are lucky and have more than two parents.”

His eyes lit up. “Are you going to marry Emerie?”

Jesus. That hurt on so many levels. “I don’t think that’s going to happen, Beck. No.”

He was getting excited and went off track. “Because Mikayla from school has a stepmom. Her parents are divorced like you and Mommy, and now she has two mommies.”

“No. Well, yes. No. Sort of. The thing is…I’m actually your stepdad.”

“So I have two dads?” He scrunched up his nose.

“You do. When you were born, your mom and I were married. I didn’t know you weren’t my…” I felt the words start to bubble in my throat and had to clear it a few times to fight off showing how upset I was. I needed Beck to know what I was telling him would have no effect on our relationship, and my crying wouldn’t send the right message.

I started again. “I didn’t know you weren’t…my son, biologically, until years after you were born.”

“If you’re not my blogical dad, then who is?”

“It’s a man named Levi. Mom says you’ve met him already a few times.”

His eyes lit up. “The race car driver?”

I was emotionally conflicted. While it sucked for me that he was excited about that asshole being related to him, if it made it easier for him to accept the news, I was all for that.

“Yes. The race car driver.”

“He drives a cool car! It’s got a hood scoop, and it’s loud.”

I forced a smile. “Your mom is going to have you start to get to know Levi. But it doesn’t mean that anything is going to change between you and me.”

He thought about everything I’d said for a moment, then asked, “Do you still love me?”

Beck might be almost seven and starting to get too cool to hold my hand as he walked into school, but all bets were off now. I hoisted him onto my lap and spoke directly into his eyes. “I love you more than anything in this world.”

“So you’re not leaving me because I have a new dad?”

“No, Beck. I’d never leave you. People don’t leave when they love someone. They stick around forever. That’s why I’m moving to Atlanta. Your mom brought you down here, and I go where you go.”

“Did my blogical dad not love me, and that’s why we lived in New York?”

Jesus. He had some tough questions.

“I know it’s confusing, but Levi didn’t know you were his son when you were born. So he didn’t get a chance to know you. Now that he knows, he’s gonna love you too, I’m sure.”

I realized it was time I sat down and had a talk with Levi to make sure my son would be the priority he needed to be. If he was going to be part of his life, he’d better not be a disappointment.

“Will he live here, too?”

“I’m not sure, buddy.”

“But you said people don’t leave when they love someone. So he’ll only leave if he doesn’t love me?”

God, I was fucking this up royally.

“Sometimes you have to leave physically when you love someone, like maybe for work, but you figure out other ways to still be with them every day. When I said people don’t leave when they love someone, I didn’t mean they had to be there in person every single day. You just have to get more creative to find ways to be together when you can’t be there in person. Like you and I did the last month when I had to go back to New York to work.”

“Like FaceTiming with Mom’s iPhone?”

“Exactly.”

“Like Snapchatting?”

“I’m not up on that one. But if you say so.”

Beck nodded and was silent for a while.

It was a lot to take in, especially for a kid his age. To this day, I could barely process it.

“You have any questions, bud?”

“Do I still get to call you Dad?”

My heart dropped. “Yes, you definitely do. I’m always going to be your dad.”

“What will I call Levi then?” The thought of my son calling another man Dad was physically painful. But my own pain didn’t matter.

“I’m sure you, Mom, and Levi will figure that out eventually.”

A few minutes later, Beck asked if he could turn his cartoons back on. He seemed no worse for the wear. I, on the other hand, felt like I’d just done ten rounds in a heavyweight fight with my hands tied behind my back. I was mentally and physically exhausted.

That night, after I dropped Beck back with Alexa, I laid in my bed at the hotel, replaying our conversation over and over. It was important to me that I stood behind the things I’d said to my son today. Kids learned more from what parents did than what they said. I needed to show him I was here for the long haul, especially because I couldn’t control what Levi and Alexa did.

As I attempted to fall asleep, one thing kept nagging at the back of my mind and wouldn’t let me settle. It was something I’d said. While I believed the words to be true, if I was being honest with myself, I wasn’t exactly living up to my own edict. And it had nothing to do with my son.

People don’t leave when they love someone. They stick around forever.

The following morning, my unsettled feeling had sprouted. The root had been there for the last few weeks, but since my talk with Beck, it had grown like a vine and taken up residence in my stomach, my head. And it had coiled around my heart so tightly I could barely breathe.

I had to drag myself out of bed so I could get to the airport for my flight. In the back of the cab, I checked my departure time and fidgeted. I knew myself, how I could obsess over shit, and I needed to know. Finally giving in, I texted Roman at five in the morning.

Drew: Is she seeing someone?

As always, he responded within a few minutes. He was the only person I knew who required less sleep than I did.

Roman: Thought I wasn’t supposed to tell you that part.

Drew: Just tell me.

Roman: You sure you can handle it?

Jesus Christ. I wasn’t actually so sure I could. If he was asking, it wasn’t good.

Drew: Tell me.

Roman: The neighbor is moving in on her. Sent her some flowers—huge thing of yellow roses. Also took her out to lunch the other day at some fancy place with a big price tag and stupid, tiny food.

Fuck.

Drew: Anything else?

Roman: Started tailing him a bit. Took some woman to dinner last night. Tall. Great legs. Halfway through dinner it looked like they had an argument. She pulled some dramatic shit, standing and throwing the napkin on the table, then stormed off. Think he might have dumped her.

The unsettled feeling in my gut was there for a goddamn reason. I was going to lose her forever if I didn’t get my head out of my ass. Pulling up to the airport, I typed one last text to my friend before exiting the cab.

Drew: Thanks, Roman.

He immediately typed back.

Roman: Go get her. About fucking time.

I was almost as nervous as I’d been yesterday when I had to break the news to Beck. But there was also something different about the way I felt. Determined. No matter what it took, I was going to make Emerie forgive me and give me another chance. I’d fucked up—I could place blame on a million experiences in my life, but the truth of the matter was I’d fucked up. And I was about to start fixing it.

There was an out of order sign in front of two of the elevators in her building. I stood in front of the lone functioning one, tapping my foot as I watched the numbers come down over the doors. It stuck on nine for thirty seconds, then stopped at eight for just as long. I don’t have time for this. I’d already wasted enough time. Looking around, I saw the sign for the stairs and broke into a jog. My heart pounded as I took them two at a time up to the third floor.

Then I was standing in front of Emerie’s door, and it dawned on me for the first time that I had no idea what I was going to say. Two hours on the plane, and I hadn’t come up with an opening statement. Good thing I’m a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of guy when it comes to oral arguments.

I took a deep breath, steadied myself, and knocked.

When the door opened, I realized how completely unprepared I was.

Because it was Baldwin staring at me from inside.