Egomaniac

“You were amazing,” Baldwin said from the doorway.

I looked up from packing my lecture materials. “How long have you been standing there?”

“I caught the last five minutes.”

“You’re being kind. I was a nervous wreck.”

He smiled. “It gets easier. But seriously, it didn’t show.”

Two days ago Baldwin had called to say one of the department’s TAs had to leave unexpectedly and asked if I wanted to fill in. It would practically assure me the adjunct faculty position I was interviewing for tomorrow, so I agreed, even though I had zero desire to do anything these days. Getting out of bed was an effort.

After I finished packing, I walked to the door. “Are you heading to a class?”

“Nope. Just finished grading papers and wanted to check in on you. How about some lunch? There’s a great little bistro a few blocks away that makes the best ahi tuna salad.”

For the last month, I’d been avoiding Baldwin out of deference to Drew, but there was no reason to do that anymore. Even though I wasn’t much in the mood for company, I knew locking myself in my apartment and being sad wasn’t really healthy.

“Sure. I’d love to.”

Baldwin and I ate lunch outside next to the heat lamps since it was a beautiful afternoon. At one point, I got up to go the ladies’ room, and I spotted a man sitting in a car parked half a block down. The car was at my back while I was eating, so I had no idea how long it had been there, but I could have sworn the man inside was Roman. After we finished lunch, I looked for the car again, but it was already gone.

Later in the day, after running my afternoon errands, I went home to do an online counseling session. I couldn’t even open the front door all the way because my apartment was crammed with office furniture. It probably wasn’t the smartest idea to leave before finding new space, but I just couldn’t stay there anymore. Even when Drew wasn’t around, all I could think about was him. I’d thought ridding myself of having to see the desk we’d had sex on and the copy room we’d first met in would help me think about him less. Unfortunately, my thoughts traveled with me instead of staying behind at the office.

While I was setting up my laptop so my patients wouldn’t see the crazy room full of office furniture, a knock came at my door. I hated that I got my hopes up, thinking maybe it was Drew. I was confused when I saw Roman through my peephole.

I opened the door. “Roman?”

He stood gripping the top of the doorway. “I’ve been instructed to tail you.”

“I thought I saw you at the restaurant today.”

“Can I come in? I won’t take up much of your time.”

“Ummm…sure. Of course. But I should warn you, the place is a mess. I moved my office into my tiny apartment and have no place to put anything, so it’s basically taken over my living room.” I opened the door as wide as I could, and Roman came in. “Can I get you something to drink?”

He held up his hand. “I’m good.”

There were piles of files all over the couch. I started to collect them to make room for him to sit.

“Do you want to have a seat? Get comfortable so you can tell me why you’re following me?”

He chuckled. “Sure.”

I sat down on my office chair across from him and waited for him to begin.

“Drew asked me to tail you. He claims he wants to make sure your new office is in a safe neighborhood.”

“And what if it wasn’t? What’s he going to do with that information?”

Roman shrugged. “Shit don’t always make sense when a man’s in love.”

“In love? Did you miss the part where he dumped me?”

“Never thought I’d say this about my best friend. Known the man since elementary school, and he’s always had balls of steel, but he’s afraid.”

“Of what?”

“Of falling in love. Mother cheated on his father and took off when he was a kid. Wife lied to him about the kid she was pregnant with being his, then continued to screw the baby daddy after they were married. He fell in love with that little boy, then she took being a father away from him. Also gets reminded day in and day out at work how few relationships make it—especially ones where the couples don’t spend time together. Finally found some good in his life with you. I hate to see him throw that away because he’s too afraid to take a chance. Did he even tell you the judge let Alexa stay in Atlanta, and he’s moving there?”

“No.”

There was an ache in my chest. The way he’d ended things made a little more sense now. A part of me could understand why Drew would be skeptical that things could work between us. His past had pretty much taught him that when you fall in love, it gets taken away. But that didn’t excuse what he’d done. Whether he was justified or not didn’t change the fact that he hadn’t even tried to fight for us. He hadn’t even told me what was happening.

“I’m sorry for what he’s going through, Roman. None of it is fair to him. But even if it were true that he still cared about me, what could I do about it? I can’t make him unafraid. He didn’t even want to try. That tells me I wasn’t worth the risk to him. I need to be worth more than that.”

Roman nodded. “I get it. It’s just…I saw you with that professor today at lunch.”

“Baldwin and I are friends. Yes, we have history—or I should say I have a history of feelings for Baldwin. But I fell in love with Drew, and that taught me that the feelings I thought I had for Baldwin weren’t ever really love. Because it was never like this with Baldwin—what I have for Drew is at a different level.”

Roman smiled. “You said have, not had.”

“Of course. I can’t turn off feelings just because I was hurt. It’s going to take effort to move on from Drew.”

“Do me a favor? Don’t start trying too hard yet. I’m still holding out hope my friend is going to pull his head out of his ass.”