Variation: A Novel

ReeseOnToe: OMG. You look divine! I can’t wait to see the show in two weeks!

“Good morning, Allie!” Jennifer, one of the new corps members, waved happily as she passed me in the hallway. “Hi, Sadie!”

“Good morning, Jennifer,” I replied, wrapping Sadie’s leash over my wrist, then pulling the frayed edges of my worn black hoodie over my hand as I pushed against the current of dancers headed to class.

I should already be in there, warming up, leading from the front as Vasily expected, but his one condition for Sadie’s presence was that she remain in Kenna’s office when I was in the studio, which worked out fine because Kenna loved her.

“Don’t be late,” Everett said, darting a kiss on my cheek as he rushed past.

“She’s always fucking late,” Charlotte muttered, shooting me a glare as she followed, a gaggle of her gossiping minions trailing after. “Doesn’t matter when you’re a Rousseau, I guess.”

I stiffened my shoulders, but presented a pleasing smile, as Vasily would expect one of the leading members of his company to do. Being back was easy, normal, and I fell into the routine as easily as I fell into the masks I’d left here nearly five months ago. In fact, I’d been back six weeks and it felt like I’d never left at all.

Which was part of the problem.

It was the same, but I wasn’t. Where I’d once seen perfection and excellence, now all I saw was dirt and deceit. This place was plated gold, and now that I’d scratched its pristine surface and seen what really lay beneath, it had lost its shine.

Or maybe nothing shone quite as bright without Hudson flashing his grin every now and again. I breathed through the immediate sting of pain that came whenever I thought about him, which was about every minute or so unless I was dancing. I’d spent more hours in the studio trying to hide from my heartbreak than I had training to get back here.

Eva appeared next, darting out of the corps dressing room as I approached. Worry immediately lined her forehead. “Do you want me to take Sadie to Kenna so you can go?”

“No.” I shook my head and smiled at my sister, but I could tell it didn’t reach my eyes. “I get there when I get there.”

Her worry lines deepened. “Right.”

I squeezed her hand in reassurance, then sent her on her way. I simply didn’t care if I was late. It would be frowned upon, but no one was going to do anything. If Eva was late, well, the consequences weren’t worth risking it.

The dancers sped by, all doing their best to beat the clock and get into the studio before Eloise arrived.

The hallway cleared as Sadie and I passed the last of the dressing rooms, then entered the stairwell and descended to the third floor. We popped out near the strength training center, and Sadie wagged her tail as we approached the entrance to Kenna’s office.

“Oh, Alessandra,” Maxim called out from the end of the hall, lifting his hand.

So close. I’d been so close to not having to deal with him, or his father, this morning. Every time I saw them, I thought of Juniper, and my anger nearly burned through my faux civility. “What can I do for you?” I asked, my hand on Kenna’s doorknob.

“Sienna is looking for you.” He arched a brow just like his father. “You need to sign your contract.”

“I’ll see if I can find time to stop by her office before leaving.” I smiled and gave the same response I did every day since returning. It wasn’t like I needed the money.

“See that you do. Not being on contract makes you a liability.” He narrowed his eyes and moved to step between me and Kenna’s door, only to retreat when he spotted Sadie already there. “We’re two weeks away from performance, and my father may make allowances for you, given his fondness for your mother, but your refusal to sign has become as circumspect as the offers still pouring into this office on your behalf.”

“Noted.” My smile didn’t slip even an inch. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to be late to take class.”

He huffed a sigh of annoyance, then turned on his heel and headed for the elevators.

I knocked on Kenna’s door twice, then walked in after she said to.

“Good morning, Sadie-kins.” She leaned down and ruffled Sadie’s ears, then looked me over with the same appraisal that had become her custom in the last six weeks. “Did you get any sleep last night?”

“A few hours.” I let Sadie’s leash go, and she immediately trotted to the bed Kenna kept under her window. “You?”

“Matthias was home, so I managed a couple.” A smile curved her mouth, and she walked over to her desk, then picked up a stack of envelopes. “I grabbed these off Sienna’s desk before Vasily could see them. Offers from”—she tilted her head and read the return addresses—“Atlanta, Sydney, Paris, Vancouver, and yet again . . . San Francisco.” She tested the weight of the envelopes. “And they don’t feel like contracts.”

“They’re offers to come for specific roles.” I walked forward, then sat on the edge of her desk.

“Freelance,” Kenna noted. “All of the fun, none of the politics. Dance in, dance out.” She handed me the stack. “I’m starting to wonder if you want Vasily to see them.”

I stared at the envelopes. Word had spread that I wasn’t signing, and whatever offers weren’t on paper were flooding my email. Misery surged through me, sitting on my chest and making it hard to draw breath. “I hate it here,” I whispered.

“I know.” Kenna sat back on the desk next to me.

“I miss him, and I hate it here.” My thumbs pressed into the stack, denting the envelopes. “Yes, he kept the truth from me, but I kept it from Caroline. We were all doing the wrong things for what we thought were the right reasons, but he’s the only one who got punished.”

“You’re doing a good job of punishing yourself,” Kenna said. “You could stop the self-flagellation and just call the man.”

“After six weeks of silence?” I shook my head. “He probably hates me for the way I walked out on him.”

“You called him out on his bullshit and broke off a relationship on its predetermined date. You didn’t fuck his best friend, Allie.” Kenna drummed her fingers on the desk’s edge. “That man is in love with you. If a decade apart didn’t kill it, then six weeks hasn’t come close to even wounding it.”

I looked over at her wall of diplomas and accolades, then through one of her windows into the training area, where two members of the corps were working out. It was all part of the vicious cycle of dance, injure, recover, return.

And I was stuck in it.

“What good would calling him do?” I shrugged. “One of the reasons I walked away is because he’d hate it here.” I wasn’t even sure that going home to Hudson at night would make this place better, but at least I’d be happy for ten hours a day, even if eight of them were sleeping.

“So do you,” Kenna countered. “You’re not exactly living, Allie. You’re just . . . breathing. And I love you, but I don’t have time for you to wallow in my office, especially when the solution is a call, a drive, or a flight away. You could be happy in the next ten minutes if you walked back to the dressing room, picked up your phone, and dialed his number. But you insist on suffering, and making the rest of us watch. It’s . . . disappointing. Why are you brave for everyone but yourself?”

My eyebrows rose. “I mean, tell me how you really feel.”

“I feel like there’s a reason you haven’t signed a contract, and until you’re ready to actually talk about that, the rest of this is just whining.” She reached back over her desk for a clipboard. “And I’m happy to listen to you whine over margaritas, but my mother is going to kick your ass for being late again, so either go . . .” She looked me in the eye. “Or go.”

Yes. That. My stomach tensed.

“I have my own role,” I blurted. “It’s the dream. You don’t walk away from the dream.” But she was right. There was a reason I wouldn’t sign. I’d worked so hard to get back here, and now all I wanted . . . was to go. I wanted Hudson. Being scared to admit it wasn’t going to change the fact that I was happier with him than I’d ever been on a stage.

“You do if the dream changes.” Kenna tucked the clipboard under her arm. “Dreams aren’t stagnant, Allie. They grow. They shift.”

My heart started to pound. “Vasily would kill me for walking away two weeks before a show.”

“Fuck him.” Kenna shrugged.

“Eva needs—”

“To grow up.” She backed away toward the gym door in her office.

“But you . . .” I shook my head.

“I am glorious. I have a career I love, a man I can’t get enough of, a world-class brain, and an enviable designer handbag collection. You need to stop hiding behind what everyone else wants, because you’re the only one responsible for your happiness. You may have told your mother off, but you’re sure living the life she chose for you.”

I clutched the envelopes. “I still love to dance.”

“That stack you’re holding says you don’t have to be here to do that. Allie, you can have everything you want if you’d just get out of your own way.” She reached for the handle beneath the glass panel of the door, then took a deep breath and gave me a sad smile. “I’m going to do the job that I adore”—she twisted the handle—“and I hope you do the same. I don’t want to find you in this office when I return. Go, Allie. Be happy.”

Eight and a half hours later, I stood on Hudson’s front porch with Sadie and knocked.

Again.

I breathed through the nausea churning in my stomach, clutched Sadie’s leash, and rang the bell.

She whined.

“He’s probably just at work,” I told her, scratching the top of her head and walking toward the closest window. This was not how the big grand gesture was supposed to work. I’d rented a car, driven all the way here with an obscene amount of luggage, and he wasn’t even home.

I cupped my hands along the glass, then leaned in to see inside the house. My stomach pitched. It was empty. No bookshelves. No soft leather armchair. No framed map. Just hardwood and pristine walls.

Oh my God.

Panic kicked in as I backed away. Where could he possibly be? He wouldn’t have moved in with Caroline—

Caroline. She’d know where he was. I got Sadie into the back seat of the rented SUV, then drove straight to the café and ignored the side-eye from a few year-rounders when I walked in with a dog. I spotted Caroline behind the counter immediately.

“Where is he?” I asked, walking straight through the center of the café.

Caroline looked up, as did the young man at her side, who she appeared to be teaching. Her blue eyes flared wide. “Allie?”

“Where is he?” I stopped on the far side of the fifties-style counter. “Because I packed all of my things, and I walked away from my company, and I rented a car and drove all the way here, and his house is empty.” My throat started to close, and I arched my neck.

“I wondered when you’d show up,” Caroline said. “Tanner, why don’t you grab Allie a glass of lemonade.”

“Sure thing.” The young man grabbed a glass from beneath the counter, and within thirty seconds, I was chugging to save my life.

“Thank you,” I said once half the glass was gone. “How’s Juniper?”

Caroline softened. “She’s great. She’d probably love to see you since she’s at your house with Anne right now. You know you could have called.”

“I know.” I nodded and gripped the glass a little harder. “I just thought it would be so much more poignant to show up and surprise him, then launch into the myriad of reasons we shouldn’t be together, but then I’d bring it back to the only reason we should, which is that we belong . . . together.” I winced. “It sounded way better in my head. Look, I know you hate me for sneaking into Juniper’s life, and you can’t stand my family, or our last name, but I really can’t either. Every time someone says it, I just think of my mother now. And I’m sure you can think of a million other people you’d rather see Hudson with—”

“Do you love my brother?” she asked, interrupting my ramble.

I startled, and my gaze snapped to Tanner, who was staring like I needed medical attention. That’s when I realized the entirety of the café was listening to me. Awesome. “I think that’s something Hudson should hear first.”

Caroline nodded. “I don’t hate you, Allie. Even when I was furious with all of you for sneaking around my back with Juniper, I never hated you. I’m just sorry you came all this way.”

My stomach pitched and I scrambled to school my expression, to hold on to any vestige of dignity, but I’d left all my masks in New York, and now there was just . . . me. “It’s too late, isn’t it? I waited too long and blew my chance.” My eyes prickled, but I refused to cry. Even if I had to sweep the remnants of my heart off this linoleum floor, I wasn’t crying in front of Caroline.

“Oh, Allie.” She came around the counter and squeezed my hand, leash and all. “You could be ninety years old, and it would never be too late for Hudson. I’m so dang glad one of you has come to your senses. Of course I’ll tell you where he is. I just meant that it’s a shame you came all this way, because you drove the wrong direction.”

I nearly dropped the glass. “I what?”