The Reluctant Mate

Porter

I carried Amanda to my bed, and put her in it. I knew she had been sleeping on the couch in her little reluctant nest, but this would be more comfortable for her. FJ was definitely not intended for human consumption, and I was worried. Should I take her to a human hospital? I wished we had a pack doctor, but the best we had was rogues with basic first aid training. It wasn’t like we had badly needed one, since we were so sturdy.

But my mate was a delicate little thing.

But she wouldn’t be here much longer, so as long as she was okay tonight it wouldn’t matter later. The only thing had reassured me was the sound of her heart when I was really close to her, although it was a bit fast. I sat on the floor against the wall and dozed, and hoped she wouldn’t wake up and freak out on me for watching over her.

By the morning, she was sleeping peacefully and I had stopped worrying that the frail human would die any minute so I forced myself to leave her there. I had things to do, since I was in charge of the pack in Jason and Carrie’s absence. I threw myself into the work, until I received a text that they were on their way back. Then my wolf fell into despair, knowing what was surely coming to us.

I should probably have just rejected her at the beginning, but even knowing everything I knew now I still wouldn’t do it. At least she was mine in a small way, for a short while.

Jason and Carrie and the others were mobbed when they returned, and everyone seemed in high spirits, although I got a few sympathetic looks from people between their excited chattering. They all knew what I was in for as well as I did.

Then, Carrie took Amanda for a walk. I watched them go. My wolf desperately wanted to run, either after them, or away, but I made myself wait. It was better to get this over with. I didn’t want it, but if it had to be a break, a clean one was best. I couldn’t imagine having this depth of feeling for anyone else, but maybe I would someday find a second chance. I understand why Max never gave up his search for Lillian. Would anything ever stop me from searching for Amanda if she wanted me? I doubted it.

I saw Carrie a while later, but Amanda was nowhere to be seen. “Where is she?” I asked, instantly worried for her.

Carrie smiled a bit as she walked over towards me. “I sent her home,” she said. “She promises not to tell anyone about us and pointed out no one would believe her anyway.”

“But…”

“She wanted more time.”

“More time?” I should have been relieved, but instead, I was angry. This was like a stay of execution only to endure more torture before the end. “Why?”

“Aren’t you happy?”

“Yes. No. I don’t know.” I didn’t know how much more of this I could stand.

“Porter, you’ve got to let her choose.”

“I’ve been trying my best, and my best isn’t good enough.”

“I’m not sure that’s true. You’re a good man and I think deep down she knows that. She just has trouble seeing it past her own experiences.”

“Do you know what happened to her?” I asked, even though I knew I shouldn’t. I had a name now, Steven, but that wasn’t enough to go on.

“I’m sorry, I don’t. And I wouldn’t tell you even if I did.”

“That’s fair.”

“I think there’s hope left, if you think it’s worth the risk.”

It probably wasn’t worth the risk, but I couldn’t bring myself not to hope that she could be mine.

---------

And the weeks passed, and I learned to live in limbo, not rejected, not accepted. I could function for the pack on autopilot, I could run patrols without needing to think, and I let my wolf wander our territory when I had nothing else to do, but nothing I did really soothed that constant ache inside me.

If our pack had been more established, we may have been able to spare a guard to shadow her, but as it was, I had to make do with other pack members letting me know that she was alright when they happened to check on her. It was something, and probably the one thing that kept my wolf hanging on.