The Purge

“She didn’t know what he’d been through, what caring about someone else could cost. Everyone gets hurt in the end. Better to be the one doing the hurting than the one getting hurt.”

Proxy; Alex London

I counted every heartbeat as I looked for Conleth. My mind rattled as fear clung into me like a fur coat. As much as I wanted to turn back and run, I reminded myself that this was the choice I made.

“Tyranica,” I was too focused on looking for Con that I failed to notice the annoying commander of the Manticore Army.

“Whatever your business is, Cantemir, I don’t want to kill time with you.” I snapped before he could bother me more.

He laughed as he kept paced with me. It annoyed me to the maximum level.

“You’re not supposed to be in my army’s premises. You know the law.”

“I just want a trade.”

And that had made me stop and look at him. He plastered a smirk at me. I raised an eyebrow at him.

“What trade?”

“Interested?” he sneered at me. I rolled my eyes at him and I started to walk away.

“I wanted to propose a trade. One of my soldiers to your particular soldier.”

I paused and I raised my eyebrows at him. “And who among my soldiers would that be?”

He let his smirk down. Darkness seemed to overwhelm his intentions. “Halley Rowan.”

I scoffed at him. “My soldiers aren’t for trade.” I shook my head in disbelief and I started walking again. He followed me the whole way around.

“Why not? She’s a burden to you anyway.”

“Halley’s not much of a big deal. And for the record, she’s not so weak like you think she is.” I scowled at him.

“Oh, right.” He clicked his tongue. “She saved your army’s ass during the first simulation.”

“You know what, Chivas, if you don’t have anything to do, why don’t you practice with your army? I think they need more of your attention. Halley is not for trade. And if you’ve developed this little crush on her, ask her out than boggle me with the trading nonsense.” To my advantage, he cracked and blushed. Something you won’t see on him in any day. Maybe he does like Halley.

“She’s a strong weapon that I can use in my army.” he said to cover the whole story.

“Whatever you say, Chivas. Whatever you say.” I said as I made my way to Con’s room.

I went to Con’s room only to find it empty. My body trembled with anxiety. I refused to think of the worse. I headed next to Athren’s room hoping of something to put my mind at ease. He opened his door a fraction of a second; almost half naked in his boxers. He flinched at the sight of me.

“It’s just me, Athren.” I said as I waved my hands up at him in mock surrender.

He swallowed hard. He stepped outside and half closed the door behind him. “Wha-what are you doing here? I mean… what’s wrong?”

I ignored his first impression and dove in to my aggravation.

“Have you seen Conleth?”

He opened his mouth into a tentative “o” and I find it annoying when he just shut it, leaving me with no words at all. I raised an eyebrow right at him and he stiffened.

“I-I thought-well, I assumed you’re with him.”

I crossed my arms. “Are you with someone?”

He gaped again for words that didn’t come. In defeat, he opened his door to reveal Sigourney hiding behind it. My face burned red all over. I strode away from those two before I could bomb the room. It was very inappropriate of them. I suppressed the urge to shake my head while I walked away. Athren called for me but I paid him with dumb ears. He was such a piss-off. I came to him seeking refuge and all I get is a half-naked best friend almost to Climax Valley.

I knocked harshly on Halley’s door next. She opened it to reveal her hangover face. I must admit she looked almost green, adding the haystack hair and smudged make-up. It took me enough patience to actually know in her boring silence that she too doesn’t know where Conleth is. So I headed out of the HQ only to be welcomed by an unsteady crowd. All were heading towards the main door. I was up on my toes just to get a view of the commotion. Athren pushed himself in the throng of people. My heart spontaneously hammered inside my chest while I wait. I found one of Fygun’s colleagues and he filled us the information that a guy fell off the building. When Athren came back, unstable by the looks of it, I couldn’t help but worry.

“Who died?”

Athren’s face looked so sullen I wanted to puke. I wanted to rush in the crowd. I wanted to know that it wasn’t Conleth.

“Athren, who is it?” I gritted my teeth and I hardened myself for what’s to come.

He shook his head. He made a move to grab my arm but I dodged him off. I made my way in the crowd without second thoughts.

Please not Conleth. Please not Conleth. Please not Conleth.

I was like swimming in the sea of people. I pushed myself through them just to get my conscience at peace. I was shaking from the fear that I might never see Conleth again. But what greeted me had stopped me dead on my tracks. My whole body went numb. My world rocked in front of me as nausea made its way to my gut.

Fygun lay on the ground in an unbearable piece.

Strong arms caught me mid fall. People’s eyes were on me. Voices rang in my ear like a conundrum. My tears locked its own cage inside my eyes. I wanted to scream but I couldn’t find my voice. The pain was numbing me and I was torn into pieces.

I was led out of the death site. I couldn’t feel my legs. I hugged myself from the cold. I tried to find the switch to make my body react to the situation but my soul had lost its way to my body. For the first time, I wanted to cry so badly. But my tears were too stubborn to fall.

Somehow, Sig wrapped her arms around me. Halley joined in after a few moments of hesitation. Athren stood far away, looking so confused and lost. From time to time, he would check on me. He’d open his mouth and try to say something but at the last possible moment, he’d shut his mouth and just move on.

I might have blacked out. I woke up to a soft tap on my shoulder. I was back in my room, lying on my bed of thorns. Agatha sat on the edge of my bed. She reached out and tucked some of my hair to my ear. Seeing her there, tears started to bubble inside my eyes, but to my dismay, they were still too stubborn to fall. She placed a hand on my shoulder and squeezed. A motion that told me she’s right there for me. So I allowed myself a little comfort and I went for the hug. I buried my head on her shoulder and closed my eyes. As much as I wanted to scream the hurt out, I could only suck it in.

“It’s gonna be all right. I’m just here.” She assured me.

I pulled away, disappointed that my tears remained inside my eyes. The numbness was starting to make me worry.

“Fygun.” Was all I managed to say.

“I know.”

I took a deep breath and a trickle of pain struck through my heart.

“He’s gone.” My voice was low and devoid of emotion. It didn’t sound like from me.

She wrapped an arm around me and she guided my head back to her shoulder.

“You can cry if you want, Bri. It’s what makes us human. The hurt’s gonna pass. You’ll see.”

I squeezed my eyes shut again, forcing the tears to come. But they don’t. Giving up, I opened my eyes and forced my voice to do the work for me.

“I wanna see him.”

I expected the hesitation in Agatha that’s gonna come next. But I wanna see him. I wanna know and understand why he jumped off the building. I wanna make sure they didn’t dissect his body.

I wanna see him and blame myself for his death.

Agatha brought me to the morgue after running an argument with Colonel Black about it. But in the end, Agatha’s persuasion won and he let me see Fygun.

The morgue was cold. My bare feet touched ice and I blew warmth in my hands. Fygun’s corpse lay in one piece on the stretcher. I took the cover off of him and I was vulnerable once again to the hurt.

Never in my life have I thought of him dying like this. He deserves a noble death, a hero’s death and because he loved me… it was the silence… it was the truth that had killed him.

As I looked at him, my melancholy marched along with me. Memories waltzed its way inside my head. He was always the one who cheered me up. The one who promised to protect me. The one who said he’d get me out of here. Marry me someday… I loved him so but I have been discreet.

“I’m so sorry.” I told him.

His skin was so pale-almost unblemished except for the ring-like flaw on his wrist. It looked more like a clumsy bruise wrapped around like a dark band. As I looked more closely into it, I realized that it wasn’t a bruise but a burn mark-more like a third degree burn.

My heart plummeted. It can’t be.

My tears had found its way down my eyes as the realization made a perfect homerun.

Fygun’s death wasn’t an accident.

Conleth killed him.

A thousand emotions brought my body into a state of shock. I don’t know which emotion I should feel first. My tears kept on flowing like an open faucet. I stared at Fygun’s body trying to figure out what had gone wrong. Conleth couldn’t have done this. He’s a good guy. But a part of me tells me that he would have had. He wanted me, too. Some people will kill just to get what they want. But that’s not Conleth. To think of it just worsen the hole in my heart. I clutched the edge of the counter. I still couldn’t find my voice. As I slowly reached for the nearest emotion in the shelf of my heart I was able to finally hear myself cry.

The pain was too familiar that is why it hurts like hell. It was the kind of pain you’ll have when you lose someone you love. I guess, that’s a crucial part of being human. You hurt more.

I can still remember the pain like a ship wreck. It didn’t make me sleep. It was a walking nightmare. It haunted me everywhere.

Fygun never saw me as an Addonexus. He always saw me as a fragile orphaned girl even though I build up walls of steel around me. He’d always find a way to tear them down even if he wasn’t like me. It was the comfort and assurance that I had with him that made me love him. He made me forget about the pain for the loss of my family. Through the wall, I had that peephole, a part of the old me that I was able to show again.

When Conleth came, the walls burned down. I wasn’t used to the feeling. I wasn’t used to being exposed and it weakened me. I have once again let people get to me and now they’ve found a way to hurt me.

People will always be the same. Change is hard to achieve because in this world, everything costs. Sacrifices are people. It had been too long to realize the truth. The aliens won because they don’t have emotions and they have no one to cry for. They’ve always put their head above their heart. It’s the way things should be.

As I watched Fygun’s body being cremated, I built the steel wall back into place. I will have to harden my being. Loving someone is to destroy them. Loving someone is suicide. I won’t be weak again. I refused to cry and succumbed to anyone’s bidding.

I held my head high as I made a silent promise to myself.

This will be the last time they will hurt me.

“Bri,” the knife in my heart plunged deeper than it should be. I suppressed the urge to close my eyes shut and let a tear fall. I refused to weaken at his presence.

“Kill or be killed, right?” I told him from Fygun’s burning casket. “That’s the rule of the world. Always the battle of the fittest.”

“Bri, I-“

“I was eight when I arrived here. I was so happy because finally I thought I have a place to go home to. But fifteen minutes after my arrival, I realized I don’t wanna be here. Aside from the walls that don’t have windows and doors that don’t have knobs, people showed me the very least they should let a child see: death.

There were only two people who were kind to me. One of them taught me to defend myself. He was the captain of the whole operation. He never hurt me. He always defended me. He was like a father to me. But one day, they just threatened me of my brother’s life in exchange for his. So that night, I sneaked in to his room. I got passage because he entrusted me the number key to his room. I found him sleeping so soundly in his uniform. I took one long look at my father figure before I pulled the trigger.”

The memory stung. But the sound was fainted by the pillow I used to cover the General’s head before I killed him. It was a nightmare I would always come back to, to remind myself of what they’ve made me-of what they are.

I can still feel the General’s eyes on me as he opened them one last time, finding me beside his bed with a silencer in my small hand. I can still remember the light coming out of his eyes when he breathed no more.

Having Conleth beside me, this close, I felt my heart had a time bomb.

“If you’d say you didn’t mean to hurt him, I’d believe you. But you have a choice, Con and yet you did it anyway.” I took a long, steady breath before I started to the door. I could not face him and feel the things I shouldn’t feel for him. But he pulled my arm and brought me back to face him. On impulse, my body reacted and I pushed him off of me. The force might have been too strong that I threw him hard on the ground.

I finally looked at him and I regretted it. His eyes mirrored the same pain. I knew in my heart that he didn’t mean it, that he’s telling the truth. But my mind was dictating me otherwise. In my mind, he still killed Fygun.

“I’m sorry.” He said as he managed to stand up. The knife in my heart twitched.

“I know you are. But you can’t change the fact that you’ve stained your hands with blood. You made your choice.”

“I choose you.” He said through gritted teeth.

“That’s just selfish bullshit.” I narrowed my eyes at him.

“I never meant to kill him. He was choking me and I had to defend myself. Please hear me out.”

“I really thought you’re different. I saw that goodness in you. But I was wrong. You made the decision. You made them change you. You turned out to be the thing I hated the most. You turned out to be the thing they wanted you to be. Just like them. A monster.”

Tears started to fall down his eyes. He stepped forward and he reached for me but I backed away from him.

“Stay away from me!” I bellowed and the lights flickered. “Come near me again and I swear I’ll kill you.”

“I’m sorry.” he almost whispered.

I backed away to the door, shaking. Tears burned my eyes. When I turned away from him, it was only then I’ve let them fall.