The Lost Mate

Max

My memories of my time with Lillian were my anchor, no matter how much they felt like a reopened wound every time I thought about them. I was sitting in the pack dining hall and I scooped another bite from the plate on my tray and washed it down with water. While eating robotically, I thought for the millionth time that day how much I missed every aspect of Lillian.

My wolf had gone listless after months of our separation. He wasn’t dead, I could still feel him and could still use his power to shift, but his depression had left me largely alone in my own mind. If I relinquished control to my wolf he would just lay there in a gloomy heap so I’d given up trying. The only time he felt a flicker of interest in life was during the full moon, so I timed my journeys to search for Lillian around running with my pack. Although even on those nights, he quickly lost interest and control slipped back to me.

The full moon was tonight, and I was anxious for it because I was raring to leave, already thinking where I would try next.

Often I’d start by swinging by Hannah’s pack, since she always kept an ear out, and it was always a good waypoint on my journeys. Like me, she was convinced that her sister was alive somewhere out there. If she didn’t have any new leads for me to follow, I’d probably swing by Sterling Manor again and see if they had anything. I hadn’t had much luck there before, but maybe this time would be different.

My planning was interrupted by someone sitting down next to me. I didn’t have to look up to know who it was since I recognized Nash’s scent instantly. He smelled like pack, but he hadn’t been with us long enough for the wild scent of rogue to entirely fade away, if it ever would. I’d done quite a few patrols of the borders with him so we were familiar and got along well.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hey.” I glanced at the wiry former rogue. His hair was black and his brown eyes were wary in his tanned face, and he looked uncomfortable in his clothing, or maybe in his human form, since he preferred to spend so much of his time as a wolf. I waited to see if he had anything to say. Sometimes he just wanted to sit in silence with another wolf and I was fine with that, because then I could freely wander in my own thoughts.

He started eating, so I continued with my own meal. Nothing tasted very good, but I needed energy for my next search. There were only two things that had motivated me since I lost Lillian, supporting my pack and my will to survive so I could find her. She was out there somewhere. The connection between us was as alive as my wolf. Still present, but dormant, little more than a persistent nagging sensation in the back of my mind that I wasn’t truly alone.

Bluegorge’s challenge against our right to legitimacy before the Alpha Association had put my motivations in conflict between pack and mate, but Alpha Jason had told me not to worry about it and assured me that he and our luna had everything covered. I trusted him, so I stuck with my plan in spite of my slight misgivings.

“So, you’re heading out again?” Nash’s question surprised me.

“Yeah. Two days after the moon.”

Nash murmured agreeably and then he spoke after a long pause. “Can I come with?”

“With?” I was surprised. Nash did whatever was required of him, but he hardly went above and beyond as an enthusiastic volunteer in general.

“Yeah. Getting restless here. I could help with your search.”

I considered. It wouldn’t be less safe having someone to watch my back, and Nash might have new contacts I could make use of for new leads. We got along well enough. “Yeah, sure. As long as Alpha says you can.”

“Already asked him.”

“Then welcome to the journey.”

Nash grinned a slightly crooked toothed expression. Friendliness looked oddly foreign on his face. I finished my plate, said goodbye, and went to make sure everything was in order for the next day.

—————

The full moon run had been more exciting than we had anticipated, considering Porter’s very human mate had unknowingly decided it was a good idea to come and trespass when our wolves were at their peak. Porter had been on a miserable roller coaster with her, but I was sure she’d come around in the end. The bond between mates was a powerful force, and her human status clearly hadn’t made her immune to Porter’s charm, whatever she seemed to think to the contrary.

Since my home had been transformed into a makeshift prison, I’d snuck in while she was sleeping and grabbed the bag containing everything I needed from my room. There wasn’t much inside, my phone, my wallet, a few changes of clothing, a lighter, a few other things shoved inside since I travelled light on my journeys. Sometimes I travelled by vehicle when I had a lead somewhere, but she could be anywhere and this time a slower more careful journey with my canine senses at the ready was my preferred strategy. We could always jump on a bus if I got a good tip somewhere.

It was evening the night I planned to leave when I stopped by Krystal and Michael’s campsite where Kain was staying for the duration of the Amanda situation.

I always went out of my way to say goodbye to the kid before I left. He pretended he didn’t care I was leaving and was good at playing it cool with the walls of an alpha and a decent pretense of strength, but deep down he was also just a kid who had lost everything, so I wanted to do what I could to provide him stability. I’d been fairly young when the attack had occurred, but the near decade age difference between us marked the difference of losing everything as a child versus as an adult, and I knew which had to have been worse.

“So, you heading out?” Krystal asked from her place beside her mate. Their baby was busy throwing all the toys out of her playpen with dedication, probably in an attempt to capture someone’s attention. I was surprised she was even still in there, since she had proven herself a natural escapee like the little rogue-born she was.

“I am.”

Kain was sitting by their fire. “Good luck,” he said. He slouched back casually as he looked up.

I tapped his shoulder as I passed him. “Don’t cause Porter too much trouble while I’m gone.”

Kain snorted.

“Seriously. Mate woes are the worst. I hope you never find out how bad.”

Kain rolled his eyes. “I’m not worried.” I hoped he found his other half and that they had no difficulties so he would have that connection. There was nothing like it.

“Right. See you soon.”

Nash met me in front of the dining hall, already in his black wolf form, as wiry as his human. He didn’t look that strong, but his appearance was deceiving. He hadn’t survived packless in the wilds by being weak.

Jason walked over. “Keep in touch, both of you. We’re pack.”

“Will do.”

Nash nodded.

“And let me know how the search goes.”

“I’ll check in. If nothing happens, I’ll be back for the moon after next, Alpha.” I stripped, shoved my clothing in the bag, and shifted.

Jason rolled his eyes at the formality. But whether or not he considered it necessary, he deserved the respect.

Nash and I walked towards the woods, passing my trailer. Porter was one of the most bulky werewolves in the pack, but he looked diminished sitting on the step with the air of a miserable child who had lost his best friend.

“Good luck man,” I said, not stopping so I wouldn’t draw attention to his suffering. Porter hated pity.

“You too. Safe journey.”

I was convinced that he’d win her over eventually. Porter was rough around the edges, but he was a decent person, and I was sure she’d figure that out. But he didn’t want to hear it right now, so I didn’t bother with empty platitudes.

We continued out into the forest. I could practically feel Nash’s tension fall off of him as we left pack boundaries and began winding our way through the unclaimed wilds in the lengthening shadows. Night was the ideal time to travel, because we were far less likely to be spotted by mundane humans while we ran and hunted. We skirted a wide berth around Bluegorge, because I’d already looked there for Lillian and that alpha was not someone I was interested in dealing with a second time, especially now that they were causing us so much difficulty.

I couldn’t imagine him giving sanctuary to my mate under any circumstances, considering his attitude. Nash just seemed relieved not to have to deal with more pack wolves for a while.

We ran through most of the night, and then hunted before finding a good sheltered spot to sleep.

Nash circled to crush down the grass around him before lying and getting comfortable.

“So, where to first?” he asked.

“I want to stop by my mate’s sister’s pack to see if she’s heard anything. And maybe Sterling Manor.” I sat down on my haunches a few feet from him and scratched my back leg.

“The witch school?”

“Yep. A couple of the teachers there have been trying to help me.”

“And if that doesn’t pan out?” Nash’s rogue life had clearly not made him an optimist.

I shrugged my wolf shoulders. “We look for new leads. Or maybe you have some contacts we could check?”

“Yeah, maybe a few,” Nash agreed.

“Only if you want. You can just tag along for my original plan if not.”

Nash nodded and we both lapsed into the silence of our own thoughts.

I finally broke it. “Is life in our pack hard for you?”

“Annoying mostly. The ranks grate on my nerves.”

“Krystal said that too.”

“She did?” There was surprise in his tone.

“Think about it. She was a rogue her whole life. This is her first pack.”

“Makes sense.”

I glanced over at him, and his yellow eyes looked back, surprisingly steadily, considering the way his body still had that slight spasm from too many years living disconnected as a wolf. “Is that why you wanted to come? A break from the hierarchy?”

“I guess."

I wasn’t going to push him, and he knew it. It was one of the reasons we got along.

He elaborated. “Not used to being in the same place for long.”

I nodded.

The conversation died after that, neither of us having anything else to say. I yawned, found a more comfortable position, and thenwent to sleep, hoping I would dream of Lillian.