The Air He Breathes

“What do you mean he left?” I asked Mr. Henson. My hands gripped the railing of the countertop in his shop as he stood making me a cup of tea on Friday afternoon. I’d just dropped Emma off at her grandparents’ house for their sleepover, and seeing how I hadn’t seen or heard from Tristan in a few days, I was at my breaking point. I needed to talk to him, or at least know that he was okay.

“He left two days ago. I’m sorry, Liz.” Mr. Henson’s bubbly personality was gone, which scared me.

“When will he be back?”

Silence.

My hands landed against my hips and I tapped my shoe against the wooden floor. “Well, where did he go?”

“I don’t know, Liz.”

I chuckled, nerves and worry building inside of me. “He won’t answer my calls.” My jaw shook as tears formed in my eyes. My shoulders rose and fell. “He won’t answer my calls.”

“Honey, you both have been through so much. And I know this has to be hard for you…”

“No. Not for me. I mean, I can deal with him not answering my calls. I can deal with him ignoring me. But I have a five-year-old wondering where Tick and Zeus are. She’s wondering where her two friends went. She’s asking why Zeus hasn’t been over to play catch or why Tristan hasn’t been reading to her at night. So yes, I’m sad that he’s not talking to me, but I am beyond pissed off that he left Emma like that, without a word, without a thought. I’m pissed off that she’s been crying because she misses them. And it is breaking my heart that I cannot even tell her where he is or if he’s coming back. He said he would fight for us, but when it came down to it, he didn’t even try.” My voice crackled. “She deserves better.”

He reached his hand out and placed it on top of mine. A slight wave of comfort flew through me. “You all deserve better than this.”

“Okay, I better get going. Just, if you hear from him…” My words faded off. I wasn’t certain if I wanted Mr. Henson to tell Tristan to come back or to go to hell. So I left the shop with a clouded mind.

***

That night, I was in bed before ten. Not sleeping, but just staring at the ceiling in my darkened room. I turned on my side and stared at the emptied space next to me. When I received a call from Kathy saying that Emma wanted to come home early that night, I would’ve been lying if I said I wasn’t pleased.

When she came back, she lay beside me in my bed. I read her a few chapters from Charlotte’s Webb in my best zombie voice, and her giggles reminded me of the important things.

After the story, we were both on our side, facing one another. I kissed the top of her nose, and she kissed mine.

“Mama?” she said.

“Yes?”

“I love you.”

“I love you, babe.”

“Mama?” she said once more.

“Yes?”

“Tick’s zombie voice was good, but I like yours better.” She yawned and shut her eyes. I combed my fingers through her wild, blonde hair as she began to lose herself to sleep.

“Mama…?” she whispered for the final time that night.

“Yes?”

“I miss Zeus and Tick.”

I snuggled beside her, falling asleep only a few minutes after she did. I didn’t say it to her, but I missed them too.

So, so much.

***

The next morning, I shot up from my bed at the sound of a shovel scraping against the sidewalk outside of my house. “Tristan…” I murmured to myself, tossing on my robe and slippers, hurrying to the front of the house. When I opened the door, the small bit of hope I held was demolished when I saw Tanner standing on my sidewalk, getting rid of the freshly fallen snow.

“What are you doing?” I asked, crossing my arms.

He looked up at me with an upside-down smile and shrugged. “I wanted to stop by and see how you and Emma were doing.” He stopped shoveling and rested his chin against the handle bar. “Plus, I’m pretty positive you’re mad at me.”

I huffed.

Mad?

I was beyond mad—I was livid.

“You had no right to tell Tristan about the accident.” My eyes tried to lock with his. Maybe if he stared into my eyes he could see how much he hurt me. Maybe if he stared into my eyes, he could see how he ruined things for Tristan and me. Don’t you feel bad at all?

He wouldn’t meet my stare. His eyes faltered to the ground, and he kicked snow around with his boots. “I thought you’d already told him.”

“Tanner, you knew I didn’t. I don’t know what your deal is lately. Is this all because I wouldn’t go out on a date with you? Is this because you were embarrassed? I’ve been playing it over and over in my head as to why you would do something so heartless and nothing is coming to mind. I literally cannot understand why you would do this to me.”

The palm of his hand ran across his mouth, and he muttered something.

“What?” I asked. “Speak up.”

He didn’t.

I walked down the steps on the porch and stood in front of him. “You’ve been in my life for years, Tanner. You were at my wedding. You are the godfather to my daughter. You held me at my husband’s funeral. So if there’s a reason you are acting weird, if there is a reason you broke Tristan and me up, then tell me. Because if there is a real, legit reason for why you don’t think I should be with him, then maybe I can get over this feeling inside of me. Maybe I could figure out a way to look at you and not feel sick to my stomach.”

“You wouldn’t understand,” he said with his head still lowered.

“Try me.”

“But—”

“Tanner!”

“God dammit, I love you, Elizabeth!” he shouted, finally finding my stare. His words hit me hard, making me stumble backward as my heart stopped beating for a moment. He dropped his shovel, and then tossed his hands up in defeat. “I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you for years. Since I’ve first met you. I hid my feelings for so long because my best friend loved you too. And you loved him. I stood by never speaking a word because I knew if there was anyone else worthy of your love it was Steven. But after he died…” He started in my direction and combed my fallen hairs behind my ears. “I didn’t plan to want you as much as I did once you came back to town. I buried my feelings down deep. But then, this Tristan guy came along and I sat behind the scenes once more, watching someone else make you laugh, someone else make you happy, someone else loving you.

“So each day, I grew jealous. Each day I wanted you to want me. I wanted your laughs, your smiles, you. I wanted you, Liz. So, I tried to rip Tristan and you apart. I know it was a shitty thing to do, and I know I cannot begin to ask for you to forgive me but…” He sighed and laced his fingers with mine. “I just love you so damn much and I’m not sure if my heart can take not having you.”

His fingers were linked with mine, but instead of the warmth that Steven had always brought me, instead of the tenderness that Tristan supplied my way, I only felt coldness. Holding Tanner’s hand made me feel more alone than ever.

“You deliberately broke us up,” I said flabbergasted. I dropped his hold on me and then ran my hands through my hair. “You literally interfered in my life, in my choices, because you love me?”

“He’s not right for you.”

I shook my head. “You don’t get to decide that.”

“He would’ve hurt you. He’s a monster, I know he is. And look at what happened at the first sign of trouble, he disappeared. I wouldn’t leave you, Liz. I would fight for you.”

“Maybe you should, though.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Maybe I should what? Maybe I should fight for you? I will, I promise you, I will.”

“No.” I crossed my arms, standing tall. “Maybe you should leave.”

“Lizzie…”

“Don’t,” I hissed, my voice stinging his ears. “Don’t call me that. You’re insane if you think I would want anything to do with you. When you love someone, you don’t go out of your way to hurt them. When you truly love someone, you want their happiness more than your own. Tristan isn’t the monster, Tanner. You’re the one people should be worried about. You’re sick. Delusional. Now, leave me alone. Don’t come back to my house. If you see me in town, look the other way. Because I truly want nothing to do with you.”

“You don’t mean that.” His body was shaking, and all the color drained from his face. I began to walk up my porch steps, still listening to his shouts. “You don’t mean that, Liz! You’re mad, but we’ll be okay. We’ll be okay, right?”

Once my feet hit the inside of the house, I slammed the door, and leaned against it. My heart was pounding against my ribcage, and I continued to listen to Tanner yelling outside about how we would figure things out—how we would be okay.

But we wouldn’t.

The only way I would be okay was if I never saw his face again.