The Air He Breathes

“Well, it took long enough for you two to get here!” Kathy smiled, walking out of the front door of the house. I hadn’t a clue that she and Lincoln would be meeting us at the house, but it made complete sense seeing as how they hadn’t seen us in so long, and only lived about five minutes away.

“Grammy!” Emma shouted as I unbuckled her from her car seat. She jumped out of the car and dashed toward her grandmother, happier than ever. Kathy wrapped her arms around Emma and lifted her up for a big hug. “We’re back home, Grammy!”

“I know! And we are so happy to hear that,” Kathy said, giving Emma kisses all over her face.

“Where’s Poppi?” she asked, referring to Lincoln, her grandfather.

“Looking for me?” Lincoln said, walking out of the house. He looked so much younger than his actual age of sixty-five. Kathy and Lincoln would probably never truly grow old—they had the youngest hearts in the world and were more active than most people my age. Once I’d gone on a run with Kathy and died after about thirty minutes—and she said we were only one-fourth of the way into the jog.

Lincoln grabbed Emma from his wife and tossed her up in the air. “Well, well, well, who do we have here?”

“It’s me, Poppi! Emma!” She laughed.

“Emma? No way! You look too big to be my little Emma.”

She shook her head back and forth. “It’s me, Poppi!”

“Well, if that’s so, prove it. My little Emma always gave me special kinds of kisses. Do you know them?” Emma leaned in and wiggled her nose against each of Lincoln’s cheeks before giving him an Eskimo kiss. “Oh my gosh, it is you! Well, what are you waiting for? I’ve got some red, white, and blue popsicles with your name on them. Let’s get inside!” Lincoln turned my way and gave me a welcome-home wink. The two of them hurried toward the house, and I took a second to look around.

The grass was tall, with weeds and wish-makers, as Emma liked to call them. The fence we’d started putting up was only half-finished, a job Steven was never able to complete. We’d wanted to fence in the property to keep Emma from wandering too close to the street, or into the huge forest in our backyard.

The extra white wooden pieces were stacked up against the side of the house, waiting for someone to complete the task. I glanced toward the backyard for a moment. Beyond the half-built fence were the trees that led to the miles of forested land. A part of me wanted to run, get lost in those woods, and stay there for hours.

Kathy walked over and wrapped her arms around me, pulling me into a tight hug. I collapsed against her, holding her closer. “How are you holding up?” she asked.

“Still standing.”

“For Emma?”

“For Emma.”

Kathy squeezed me right before she separated from our hug. “The yard is a mess. No one has been up here since…” Her words faded off, along with her smile. “Lincoln said he’ll handle it all.”

“Oh no, don’t. Really, I can handle it all.”

“Liz—”

“Really, Kathy. I want to. I want to rebuild.”

“Well, if you’re sure. At least you aren’t the messiest yard on the block,” she joked, nodding toward my neighbor’s house.

“Someone lives there?” I asked. “I didn’t think Mr. Rakes’ place would ever sell after all the rumors of it being haunted.”

“Yep. Someone actually bought the place. Now, I’m not one to gossip, but the guy who lives there is a bit weird. Rumor has it he is on the run for something he did in his past.”

“What? You mean, like a felon?”

Kathy shrugged. “Marybeth said she heard things about how he stabbed a person. Gary said he killed a cat for meowing the wrong way.”

“No way. What? Am I living beside a psychopath?”

“Oh, I’m sure you’re okay. Ya know, just small talk in this small town. I doubt the rumors have any truth to them. But he does work at oddball Henson’s shop, so you know the guy can’t be all right in the head. So mainly, just lock your doors at night.”

Mr. Henson owned the shop Needful Things in downtown Meadows Creek, and he was one of the weirdest people I’d never met. I only knew about his weirdness based on what others said about him.

The townspeople were some of the best at gossiping and living the small town lifestyle. People were always on the go, but no one ever really got anywhere.

I looked across the street and saw three people gossiping outside a house as they went to collect their mail. Two women power-walked past my house, and I listened to them talking about my return to town—they didn’t say hello to me or anything, but they spoke about me. Right around the corner came a father who was teaching his little girl to ride her bike for what appeared to be the first time without training wheels.

A smile crept across my face. It was all so stereotypical, the small town life. Everyone knew everyone’s business and it spread fast.

“Anyhow.” Kathy smiled, bringing me back to reality. “We brought some barbeque and things for dinner. Stocked up your fridge too so you wouldn’t have to worry about grocery shopping for a week or two. Plus, we already put the blankets on top of the roof for the fireworks, which should be starting right about…” The sky filled with blues and reds, igniting the world with color. “Now!”

I looked up at the rooftop to see Lincoln carrying Emma in his arms as they got comfortable and shouted ‘Ooo! Ahh!’ each time the night lit on fire.

“Come on, Mama!” Emma yelled, not taking her eyes away from the display of colors.

Kathy wrapped her arm around my waist and we walked toward the house. “After Emma goes to bed, I have a few bottles of wine with your name on them.”

“For me?” I asked.

She smiled. “For you. Welcome back home, Liz.”

Home.

I wondered when that sting would disappear.

***

Lincoln wanted to put Emma to bed, and when he seemed to be taking longer than normal, I went to check on them. Emma had a way of giving me a hard time each night when I put her to bed, and I was sure she was giving him the same issues. I tiptoed down the hallway and didn’t hear screaming, which was a good sign. Peeking into the room, I found the two spread out sound asleep in the full-sized bed, with Lincoln’s feet hanging over the end of the bed frame.

Kathy giggled, walking up behind me. “I don’t know who’s more excited to be reunited, Lincoln or Emma.” She walked us to the living room, where we sat in front of the two biggest wine bottles I’d ever seen.

“Are you trying to get me drunk?” I laughed.

She smirked. “If it makes you feel better, I might just have to.” Kathy and I had always been so close. After growing up with a mom who wasn’t the most stable mother, when I got together with Steven, meeting Kathy was such a breath of fresh air. She welcomed me in with arms wide open and never let me go. When she found out I was pregnant with Emma, she cried even more than I did.

“I feel awful that I kept them apart for so long,” I said, sipping at my glass of wine and staring down the hallway toward Emma’s room.

“Honey, your life was turned upside down. When tragedies happen and there are children involved, you don’t think, you just act. You do what you think is best—you go into survival mode. And you can’t blame yourself for that.”

“Yeah. But, I feel like I ran away for me, not for Emma. It was just too much for me to handle. Emma probably would’ve been better staying here. She missed it.” My eyes watered over. “And I should’ve visited you and Lincoln. I should’ve called more. I’m so sorry, Kathy.”

She leaned in toward me, resting her elbows against her kneecaps. “Now listen to me, darling. The time right now is 10:42 p.m., and right now, at 10:42 p.m., you stop blaming yourself. Right now is the moment you forgive yourself. Lincoln and I understood. We knew you needed space. Don’t feel as if you owe us an apology, because you don’t.”

I wiped away the few tears that slipped out from my eyes. “Stupid tears.” I laughed, embarrassed.

“You know what makes the tears stop?” she asked.

“What’s that?”

She poured me another big glass of wine. Smart woman.

We stayed up for hours chatting, and the more we drank, the more we laughed. I forgot how warming it felt to laugh. She asked about my mom, and I couldn’t help but wrinkle my nose. “She’s still lost, somehow walking in circles, making the same mistakes with the same types of people. I wonder if there’s a point where people can never be found anymore. I think she’s always going to be this way.”

“You love her?”

“Always. Even when I don’t like her.”

“Then don’t give up on her. Even if you need your space for a while. Love her and believe in her coming around from a distance.”

“How did you get so wise?” I asked. She smiled a wolfish grin and tipped her wine glass toward me, then poured herself another glass. Very smart woman. “Do you think you can watch Emma for me tomorrow? I’m going to go into town and look for some work, maybe see if Matty needs an extra hand or two at the café.”

“How about we keep her for the weekend? It could be great for you to have a few days to yourself. We can even start up our Friday night sleepovers again. Anyway, I don’t think Lincoln is planning on giving her up any time soon.”

“You’d do that for me?”

“We’d do anything for you. Plus, every time I go into the café, Faye says, ‘How’s my best friend? Is my best friend back yet?’ So I’m guessing she’ll want some one-on-one time with you.”

I hadn’t seen Faye since Steven had passed away. Even though we talked almost daily, she understood that I needed the space. I hoped she would understand that now I needed my best friend to make it through this new beginning.

“I know this might be a bad time to ask, but have you thought about getting your business up and running again?” Kathy asked.

Steven and I had started In & Out Design three years before. He handled the exterior of homes while I worked on the interior designs for individuals and businesses. We had a shop right in downtown Meadows Creek, and it was some of the best times of my life, but the truth of the matter was that Steven’s lawn work skills brought in most of the money for our business, along with his business degree. There would be no way for me to run things on my own. Having an interior design degree in Meadows Creek pretty much gave me the opportunity for me to work at a furniture store selling people overpriced recliners or I could go back to my college roots and work in food service.

“I don’t know. Probably not, though. Without Steven it just doesn’t seem possible. I just need to find some steady work and try to let go of that dream.”

“I understand. Don’t be afraid to start dreaming new dreams, though. You were really good at your job, Liz. And it made you happy. You should always hold onto the things that make you most happy.”

After Kathy and Lincoln decided to head home, I fumbled with the locks on my front door that Steven and I were supposed to have changed months before. With a yawn, I headed toward my bedroom and stood in the doorway. The bed was perfectly made, and I hadn’t found the strength to enter the room yet. It seemed almost like a betrayal to crawl into the bed and close my eyes without him beside me.

One breath.

One step.

I walked in and went to the closet, opening it wide. All of Steven’s clothes hung on the hangers, and my fingers brushed against them before I started shaking. Taking all of the clothes off the hangers, I tossed them on the ground, tears burning the back of my eyes. I opened his drawers and pulled out the rest of his items. Jeans, T-shirts, workout clothes, boxers. Every single article of clothing Steven owned found its way to the ground.

I lay in the pile, rolling through his slight scent, which I pretended was still there. I whispered his name, as if he could hear me, and I hugged the thought of him kissing me and holding me in his arms. The tears of my pained heart released on the sleeve of Steven’s favorite T-shirt, and I fell more and more into my sorrow. My cries were wild and thick with ache, like a creature in indescribable pain. Everything hurt. Everything was broken. As the minutes went by, I grew more and more exhausted from my own feelings. The profound tranquility of my dreadful seclusion took me away into a deep sleep.

When I opened my eyes, it was still dark outside. A beautiful little girl and her Bubba were lying beside me, with a tiny part of her blanket resting over her body, and the rest covering me. Every time a moment like this one appeared, I felt a little like my mother. I remembered taking care of her when I should’ve been a child myself. It wasn’t fair for Emma. She needs me. I snuggled in closer to her, kissed her forehead, and promised myself I wouldn’t fall apart anymore.