Synonym

The two of us had been good since we got over our fight and I was starting to feel slightly better, but I still felt guilty. I think I will always feel that way, but it would just have to fade with time.

When there was a knock at the door, I opened it to let Jason in. He had a sad smile on his face as he walked into the apartment. "I'm glad you're okay." He said while taking off his black wool coat and hanging it on the coat rack at the doorway. I closed the wooden door to the apartment and glanced at Jason who looked slightly awkward.

Obviously, I called him out on it. "You're always so awkward. You know you can give me a hug, right?" Jason laughed and didn't hesitate to wrap me in his muscular arms. My face was buried in his chest when he spoke, sending vibrations into my skin. Jason smelled like clean soap, it was refreshing.

"I don't think I've ever been more scared in my life then when I saw all that blood." He mumble before releasing me.

"Come on. Let's sit down." I gestured to one of the couches and we both relaxed onto the leather. Jason sat forwards with his torso turned to face me while I sat with my legs crossed, leaning my back against the arm. "I know we don't really get sentimental, but I think of you as one of my best friends and I was deathly afraid to lose you." Jason said sincerely. This was the first time he had ever said anything that kind and heartfelt. I couldn't help but smile. "Aww Jason. I love you too." He gave me a small smile before jumping back into the story.

"I think it was even worse when you told me you were pregnant. I knew that there was a good chance you and that baby weren't going to make it. I'm sorry for your loss, by the way. We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to." Jason muttered thoughtfully. Had I had my head screwed on straight in that moment, I probably would have realized that too. But, I was to busy screaming in agony and trying not to pass out. Obviously, I wasn't that successful.

I had had experience with traumatic injuries, but even my rape couldn't have prepared me to lose one third of my blood in the middle of a grocery store. It was all so sudden, like someone had just shot me in the uterus. The only reason that that wasn't the scariest moment of my life, is because I didn't have time to be scared. During my rape, I had plenty of time to be scared and contemplate how I was going to die. Plus the pain went on for a lot longer. Suffocation is by far one of the worst ways to go.

When I was bleeding out, I didn't even have time to process it. I was just light headed and in pain for a few seconds before I passed out. It would have been an otherwise peaceful death.

"We can talk about it. I think I've slowly and begrudgingly come to realize that talking only helps." I said calmly. It was true. While talking wasn't fun in the moment, it usually helped you resolve your issues when another person could support you or weight in with their opinion.

"I couldn't believe you were three months pregnant and I hadn't even noticed." Jason said in awe at how that fact had evaded him.

"We didn't find out until I was 9 weeks." I said sadly. Those three weeks were bliss. It was like we were finally becoming a family. Like it was fate. Not that I really believed in fate. After my miscarriage, I defiantly didn't.

"Is that where you two were at your 'family emergency'? At the doctor?" Jason asked with furrowed brows.

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"Yeah. And that day I got hit, Finn and I got into an argument. That's why we were late. He didn't want me to play anymore after I took those two big hits. I said the doctor said that it was fine but we agreed to disagree for the time being. I was just supposed to be more careful. Guess it doesn't matter now." I muttered at the end. I suppose it was just wasted energy.

"I feel bad for posting that video now. If I was Finn, I'd be concerned too. That was a hell of a fall the second time. Hell, I'm surprised Finn don't run over to you the second it happened." Jason looked like he had some serious regret now. "No it was fine." I assured him eagerly. "I thought it was hilarious too, because I was okay. I think the only reason he didn't rush over was because I told Coach I was fine. At that point I was so excited for the baby, he knew I wouldn't say something if I felt like something was wrong."

Silence filled the air as we both recalled that night. It wasn't a tense silence, but a comfortable and reflecting one. I can't imagine how scared Jason must have been. I knew if he dropped half dead in the middle of the grocery store in a pool of blood, I'd probably go into a full on panic attack.

"Finn had always wanted kids." I started out. "The second I told him that I was pregnant, I could tell he was already in love with that baby. He was ready to give up his entire lacrosse career to take care of him or her and there I was, worrying about getting to play again." I laughed humorlessly. "But I came around to it pretty quickly. I was excited to start our family, even if it was horrible timing. When we first saw the ultrasound, Finn was mesmerized. I'm sure he would have cried if he stared at that screen any longer. I haven't looked at the ultrasound picture since. It's buried in my nightstand now. It seems to painful to even think about. I feel so guilty even if it wasn't anyone's fault. But Finn? He is even more crushed than I thought possible. He shields it from me well, but I still see the crushing feeling in his soul when he talks about it."

Talking to Jason about it was easy. He wasn't as involved as closely as Finn was, so I could talk freely without upsetting him. I would still tell Finn every single thing I was feeling, but right now Jason was a good person to just ramble to. They were like thoughts that hadn't been put into coherent sentences. It was like a first draft before I talked to Finn.

"I can imagine." Jason murmured. "Calling Finn from the ambulance was probably the hardest thing I had to do in my life. He went into a blind panic when I told him you almost just flatlined. By the time he got to the hospital, I had already told the nurses that your 'fiancé' was on his way. Good thing Finn came in already demanding to know that state of his 'fiancé' and baby. Great minds think alike, I suppose."

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"When they wouldn't tell him anything other than the fact that you were in surgery, Finn almost lost his shit. I've never seen him so worked up. He was pacing the room, silently trying not to bawl his eyes out with clenched fists. I didn't know if he was going to burst into flames and punch a nurse in the face or have a breakdown. That idiot really loves you, you know that?" Jason's deep brown eyes bored into mine. They weren't scared and frantic like last time I saw them, they were warm and comforting with a spark in them like usual.

"He's told me as much." I smirked, lightening the mood. Jason laughed back whole heartedly.

"You know, for teasing you guys about all your PDA and physical intimacy, I have to admit that the love is most definitely there."

"Jason, I love him more than anything." This was starting to feel like when you gossip to your girlfriend about how in love you are and how your high school boyfriend is the one. Although I was sure of it. This wasn't some whirlwind high school romance; this was the real deal. "So many people would say I'm too young to know, but I know. Finn's the one. Almost a year later, we've spent almost 24 hours a day, every day, together and the spark is just as strong as when we got together, if not more. We almost never argue, and when we do, we solve it within the hour. Finn knows me better than I know myself. I can't see myself with anyone else ever again."

"You know we were both in committed relationships in Sophomore and the beginning of Junior year? I was dating my best friend. I'd known him since I was seven. I thought that was love. Then I met Finn and I knew he was the one." Andy couldn't even compare. We hadn't talked in forever. All my friends from California stopped talking to me sometime over the past year. Now we were just social media friends. Sure they messaged me after my court date, but other than that it's been silent on both their end and mine.

"Damn. After that confession you almost make me want to be in a relationship." Jason admitted with a laugh. "Honest to God, when I first met you guys, I thought you had known each other for years and that's how you could read each others minds. I was so shocked to find out you had met just three months ago and you became friends a week before trials. That's crazy."

Then the date dawned on me. "Just think, this time last year we were in Atlanta hoping that we'd make it to Tokyo. Congrats on a year knowing each other." I leaned towards and gave Jason a fist bump. He returned it with a laugh. "Thanks for saving my life and all. And for coming over, it been a while since I opened up to someone that wasn't Finn."

"Anytime, sweetheart. Anytime."