(Sur)real

My chest continued to ache dully from when she’d first stepped out of the bathroom in her white, threadbare t-shirt. I hadn’t given a single thought to the Urbat or saving my kind. A goddess had stood before me, and all I’d wanted to do was worship her. Still did. Hearing her call with Blake and seeing her expression had removed any remaining doubt. She’d been his prisoner, too. And continued to be one because of their link.

She hid her pain well. It didn’t touch her scent or her features, yet I felt every ounce of it in each tear that trailed down her pale cheek. I wanted to pick her up, hold her in my arms, and comfort her. But both of us would suffer for that. While I was willing to endure anything, I couldn’t be the cause of any further pain for her. Yet, I had to offer her something.

“You’ve had a lifetime of being used and mistreated. I want to give you a lifetime of being cherished for who you are, instead of what you are.”

“You don’t even know me,” she said.

“I feel the pull. That’s enough for me to trust that I’ll like what I discover when you finally let me in.” I’d seen too many happy couples not to believe that.

“Let you in?”

I smiled and removed the ice. Then, I took the comforter from my bed and covered her so she wouldn’t need to get up again.

“You don’t lie and are honest in every word you say. It’s a skill only people with deep secrets learn.”

Her gaze stayed on me as I laid on the opposite bed and faced her.

“Deep secrets,” she said with a sigh. “I’m tired of them.”

“Would you like to tell me?”

“No. I’d like to pretend that the future I know is coming isn’t our future. If I wasn’t a Judgement and you weren’t an Elder, what would tonight be like?”

My first thought sent a shock of immediate pain through me. I set aside the mental image of her perfect breasts under that shirt and focused on a different version of our future.

“I suppose, if you weren’t a Judgement, you’d be a regular human, and I wouldn’t feel the pull for you. But I think I’d still notice you. I’d buy you a drink or two, and we’d spend the night talking about you.”

“Why not you?”

“Because I’m a werewolf and that’s the deepest, darkest secret we need to keep from humans. Especially now that they know we exist.”

“Do you think it’s pointless to wish for a future you can’t have?” she asked after a quiet moment.

“No. That would be like saying dreaming is pointless, and Bethi’s proven just how important dreams can be.”

“Then I’m going to wish for that future. A future where you’d buy me a drink, and we’d get to know one another because I know I would like you very much, Jim.”

She closed her eyes, and her tears eventually stopped.

I’d heard what Blake had said to her and knew that, as an Elder and her Mate, I could never let him have her back. But to what lengths would I go to keep that from happening?

Long after her breathing evened out, I lay on the bed watching her. Every time my mind wandered back to the moment she’d stepped out of the bathroom and walked toward me with the hint of her nipples showing through her shirt, the pain in my chest spiked. Why? Winifred said to listen to my heart. My heart was telling me the fragile, nearly broken woman before me was meant to be mine. Any guilt I felt over being lucky enough to have found her came from my damn head.

She sighed slightly in her sleep, drawing my attention to her mouth. A different kind of ache grew inside me. Longing. To hold her in comfort. To protect her. To show her kindness. Was this how Emmitt felt every time he looked at Michelle and saw fear in her eyes? I remembered my advice to wait and give her time. Olivia didn’t need time. She’d experienced too much of it already. She needed an escape now.

How are things with you? Winifred sent me, cutting into my thoughts.

We’re alive and breathing. She called Blake before she fell asleep. She thinks she’s keeping him at bay and buying us time by giving him updates.

Do you think it’s working?

I considered her question for a moment.

I don’t think it’s Blake we need to stall. Bethi and Olivia are both sure our time is running short. I think our clock is ticking no matter what Olivia tells him.

I agree.

How is everyone else? I sent back.

Good. Resting and healing. Isabelle and Carlos are with Grey. Sam is giving Gabby and Clay some space and staying with Bethi, Luke, and Henry. I’ll stay with Michelle and Emmitt for tonight. Sam, Grey, and I will keep watch while everyone rests. Reach out if you need anything.

The only thing I needed was answers. Why me? Why now? Why with Olivia? Deep down, I knew there had to be a reason. Once I figured that out, I’d know what to do about my feelings for Olivia.

I closed my eyes and briefly dozed. When I woke, I knew sunrise still remained hours away and got out of bed.

“Leaving?” Her soft voice surprised me.

“Only so I didn’t wake you,” I said, settling back into my spot. “Does your back hurt?”

“Yes, but only because I move in my sleep. Tell me your favorite memory.”

Her request made me frown. She hurt more than she let on if she wanted a distraction. I quickly reached out to Winifred.

Can you bring some more pain relievers? Olivia is awake, and I don’t want to leave her alone.

Yes.

“Favorite?” I said, addressing Olivia. “Not sure I have a single favorite. There are a lot of really good ones.”

“Tell me all of them.”

“Where we grew up, there weren’t always many cubs. Most of the time, it was just me, Emmitt, and Carlos. Carlos didn’t want to play too often, though. It bugged me that he preferred to be alone, and I decided he needed to have as much fun as Emmitt and I did.” I grinned, remembering the type of fun I’d gravitated toward. “What Emmitt and I did usually got us into trouble, and my young self was smart enough to know that if I wanted to pull Carlos into our fun, I’d need to do it when my parents and Grey wouldn’t stop me. So, one night, I woke up after everyone else was asleep. My parents never heard me sneak from my room, and Uncle Grey slept through me sneaking into their rooms, too. Carlos heard me, though. As soon as I opened the door to his room, he flew at me, a ball of shaking fur. At the time, I thought he was finally ready to play and shifted so we could wrestle on the floor. But, Carlos wasn’t playing. He was fighting like I was there to kill him. Uncle Grey had to pull him off of me. My nose bled, and I had a few bruised ribs.”

“That sounds awful. How is that a good memory?”

“After that, Carlos started talking. I’ll never forget Uncle Grey’s face when he sat us both down at his table to ask what had happened, and Carlos turned to me and called me an idiot. Not the best first word, but Uncle Grey had looked like Carlos said the smartest thing ever.”

She frowned slightly.

“Still don’t think it’s a good memory?”

She shrugged slightly and winced. I stood and went to her side, lightly running my fingers over her hair, the only way I could think to sooth her pain.

“That was the first time I realized good can still come from what might seem like a bad situation.”

Her pulse stuttered slightly.

“Don’t write off your life yet,” I said. “Something really good is going to happen.”

She tilted her head to look at me.

“Someone’s at the door,” she said.

I went to open the door for Winifred. Her long braid trailed over one night-gowned shoulder. Without a word, she handed me a small white bottle then started back to her room. I closed the door and went to the bathroom for a glass of water. Olivia sat up as I shook out two pills for her. I kept my gaze locked on her face. Looking lower wouldn’t do either of us any good.

“Thank you,” she said, accepting the medicine and the water.

She swallowed the pills down and handed me the empty glass. I returned the glass to the bathroom.

“Tell me another one,” she said when I sat on the bed across from her.

“No, it’s your turn. Tell me your favorite memory.”

Any trace of tired contentment previously on her face disappeared from her expression. Instead of answering, she lay down on the bed and pulled the cover up to her chin.

I rubbed the ache in my chest and lay down on the other bed so I faced her again.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“Why?”

“For bringing up something that upset you.”

She took a long deep breath.

“It’s upsetting for so many reasons. My best memory is also the worst.”

“Tell me about it.”

“There’s not much to tell. It’s the moment I saw you.”

She closed her eyes, signaling she didn’t want to talk anymore. Yet, with those words, I couldn’t keep quiet.

“It’s the same for me.”

To see something I wanted so much and know I couldn’t have? It created a perfect balance of heaven and hell.

It didn’t take long for Olivia’s breathing to even out again. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep. It took a long time before my mind let me.

OLIVIA…

The rumble of Jim’s snores woke me. The volume rather surprised me as did the fact I’d apparently slept through quite a bit of it.

I eased from the covers and sat up, taking my time and gauging how my back felt. A night’s rest had helped. Oh, it still hurt, but it didn’t quite burn with pain like it had the day before. Standing, I made my way to the bathroom and closed myself in.

The Others swirled around me, outlining the toilet, sink, and shower. I used the toilet then washed my hands and brushed my teeth. Although I tried to move quietly, I still disturbed Jim’s sleep. While I rinsed my mouth, I saw him sit up and run a hand over his face.

Opening the door, I stepped out with an apology ready.

“You are so beautiful,” he breathed.

I felt my cheeks begin to heat and crossed my arms over my chest.

He stood and walked toward me before gently coaxing my arms away. He made a pained sound, and I knew he was looking where he shouldn’t. And, heaven help me, I wanted him to keep doing it. My pulse dipped then jumped dangerously.

“Don’t hide from me. Don’t feel embarrassed about what I feel for you.” He smoothed his fingers over my cheek. “When I think you feel shame, it starts to hurt. I can’t stop what I feel. Please don’t make me hurt more because of it.”

I exhaled heavily. Hurting him was the last thing I wanted. Yet, I knew before this ended, he would be very hurt. The knowledge of what we both still needed to endure had me stepping forward. The need to wrap my arms around his waist and hug him warred with logic. My back wouldn’t take that kind of stretching. Instead, I set my hands on his sides and leaned against him.

Jim tensed then placed his hands on my shoulders and rested his chin on top of my head. Closing my eyes, I let myself enjoy the simple physical contact. The shadowy memory of the last hug I’d received paled in comparison to this moment.

A shudder went through Jim. Then another. I didn’t move or try to pull away. Breathing deeply, I tried to memorize his scent.

“If I weren’t a Judgement or hurt, what would happen next?” I asked, craving a glimpse of what my life could be like if things were different.

His pulse spiked under my ear, and he grunted. Still, he didn’t release me.

“I’d try to get you to say yes.” His rough, pained words brought more despair than comfort.

“Yes to what?”

“To me.”

I pulled back, and he let me go.

“If I weren’t a Judgement or connected to Blake, I would say yes,” I said sadly.

He stopped breathing and pressed his hand to his chest. The Others started to swirl around him in a frenzy, and he slowly sank to a knee.

Panic gripped me. I’d said too much. I’d opened up too much.

“Jim, don’t leave me. I can’t do this without you.”

Just as I reached for him, the door burst open. Whoever strode in, moved too fast for me to identify them by their walk or shape.

One came toward me. The other went toward Jim. In seconds, I was up in someone’s arms and being taken from the room. The pressure on my back brought tears to my eyes.

“He needs to be okay,” I said desperately. “Make sure he’s okay.”

“We will,” Winifred said. “He just needs a little space to calm down.”

“Please let me walk,” I begged, unable to hold back a moan of pain.

I immediately found myself on my feet.

“I’m so sorry, Olivia. I wasn’t thinking.”

“No, it’s okay. Jim first. I understand.”

“I can see why he was having trouble,” she said. “Your shirt is slightly see through.”

I blushed.

“I didn’t know when I packed it.”

“I imagine not.”

“Do you have one I could borrow? Is it morning yet? I had a watch that told me the time, but Frank took it.”

“It’s after six. Close enough to morning. Let’s get you a shirt.”

I followed her the rest of the way to her room, and saw two other people laying snuggled in bed before she opened the door.

“I’ll wait out here,” I said.

“Nonsense. Come in. Michelle’s up already, anyway.”

As soon as I stepped into the room, I noticed one of the pair held an object. The shape had me thinking it might be some kind of tablet.

“Morning, Olivia. It’s Michelle,” Michelle said.

Surprise shot through me. No one ever announced themselves, leaving me to guess based on their voices and movement. Her consideration warmed me.

“Good morning, Michelle. Couldn’t sleep?” I asked as Winifred went to look through the bags in her room.

“Not really. I kept thinking about the desert I saw in the white room. I think I might have found it.”

“Don’t tell me,” I said quickly. “Not yet. The less I know about where we are going, the safer we are while we wait for the answers.”

“Uh…okay.”

“This one should work,” Winifred said, straightening.

I accepted the shirt and went into the bathroom to change. It took some effort, and I ached by the time I finished. Wanting to lay down again, I left the bathroom and turned toward Winifred.

“Is Jim all right enough for me to return?”

“What happened to Jim?” Michelle asked, concern lacing her voice.

“He saw Olivia in the shirt she was just wearing,” Winifred answered.

“Oh.”

Emmitt suddenly got out of bed and strode toward the door.

“Where are you going?” Winifred asked.

“Don’t worry; I’m going to help. I have some advice to give Jim about cookies.”

He left, closing the door behind him and leaving me confused.

“Emmitt is Jim’s brother,” Michelle said. “Jim gave Emmitt a hard time when I first moved in with them.”

“So he’s going to give Jim a hard time? Now?”

“Probably.”

“But, Jim’s hurting,” I said.

Michelle sighed. “I know. So does Emmitt. He’s been more than a little worried since Jim saw you and recognized you as a potential Mate. We all have. No one wants Jim to suffer or die because of what he feels for you.”

I swallowed hard and said nothing. Fate was too cruel.