Sin and Redemption

My due date was today, but there wasn’t a single sign that our daughter would make her way into the world anytime soon. I didn’t want to be induced or have a cesarean, but if baby girl didn’t come within the next forty-eight hours, my doc advised me to go to a hospital.

“Can we go to your parents’? I’d really like to visit the old oak.” This place had become such a vital part of this pregnancy and my life that I felt the need to visit it once more before the birth of our daughter turned my life upside down.

Maximus gave me a doubtful look. “You could give birth at any moment. We should stay close to the hospital.”

“I’m a first-time mother. It’ll take many hours before I give birth, so even if I go into labor at your parents’, there will be plenty of time to drive back to the city.”

After a few more arguments, Maximus finally caved, and we headed for his parents’.

It was a beautiful spring day, sunny and cloudless, but still quite fresh. The air was crisp, and the birds chirped excitedly, welcoming the warmer weather.

Only Cara was home, and she prepared tea and cookies for us. Maximus took in the fixed fencing as Cara and I sat on the porch with mugs of tea and wrapped into cozy blankets. Due to the damage the shelter had sustained, certain parts of the fencing needed constant repair. After a while, I felt restless, and the pain in my lower back, which had increased in the last few hours, became impossible to ignore. “Can we take a walk?” I asked as I rose to my feet.

Maximus came over, a frown tightening his face. “Are you okay?”

“Just restless.”

“Don’t go too far, all right?” Cara urged, regarding me with open worry.

I gave her a smile and nodded, then Maximus and I strolled into the forest, hand in hand. We stayed on the path as it wasn’t as bumpy and had been mostly cleaned of fallen leaves and twigs. Bacon accompanied us, trotting a few steps ahead and scanning the area. Since the attack, Maximus and his brother had set up intelligent motion cameras at the border of their premises that could distinguish between animal and human movements.

Despite the cool air, I felt incredibly hot in my coat. I felt half tempted to undress, which was completely crazy. When we arrived at the old oak, I took my coat off despite Maximus’s protest.

I bent down to touch the wooden cross when something warm ran down my legs, soaking my pants, and the pain in my back radiated to my lower belly. I gritted my teeth and blew out a long breath.

“Sara?”

I sucked in a deep breath, then pressed it out slowly, counting to fifteen.

“Sara?”

I raised my palm.

Maximus fell silent as I breathed through the pain.

With Maximus’s help, I straightened when the pain subsided.

“I think I’m in labor,” I told him when I met his worried gaze.

“We need to return to the house!” He grabbed my hand as if to tug me along, but another

wave of pain radiated through my body. Less than two minutes apart. What was going on?

I focused on breathing and shook Maximus’s hand off like a bothersome fly.

During the next pause, I said, “I can’t walk.”

“I’ll carry you.” Maximus lifted me into his arms when another wave of pain wrecked my body. In his arms, I couldn’t breathe through it, and the pain was even worse. “Put me down,” I rasped, then screamed, “Put me down,” when he didn’t react fast enough. Bacon circled us nervously.

Maximus set me down immediately, and I grabbed his forearms, digging my nails into them to steady myself.

This was going fast. “I can feel her bearing down,” I whispered.

“What?” Maximus asked, confused, which infuriated me.

“I need to get on my knees,” I hissed.

Maximus stared at me, then at the ground. Why didn’t he understand? He removed his jacket and put it down.

“Help me undress,” I ordered.

He reached for my cardigan, and I almost lost it.

“My pants!”

I sounded like a fury, and I felt as unhinged as one.

Maximus tugged my pants and underwear down and helped me step out of them. I sank to the ground on all fours, alternating between breathing and screaming. Maximus got down on his knees in front of me, and I put my hands on his muscled thighs for better leverage than the slippery ground. My nails dug into his legs as the pain took hold of my body once more.

“Fuck,” Maximus muttered. “What am I supposed to do?”

I couldn’t speak, and if I had been capable, I would have said things I would have regretted later, so my muteness was a good thing.

The pressure got unbearable, and I tried to work with it, even if a part of me wanted to shove the baby back up. And then I felt it, the head bursting through.

I stared up at Maximus with wide eyes, breathing harshly. I reached under my body with one hand and felt a small head and lots of hair. I laughed, then worry gripped me. Even if my body didn’t give me any signals, I started pushing again. I wanted her out as fast as possible. “Hold me.” The words were barely audible, but Maximus grabbed my shoulders as I reached my second arm under me.

With a harsh scream, baby girl slid out and landed in my arms. I lowered her to the jacket, then stared at her. She opened her eyes wide and screamed at the top of her lungs, probably because of the drop in temperature.

“Oh man,” Maximus breathed. I sat back, shaking, and lifted her into my arms.

The moment I saw our baby girl, I knew my instincts had been right. Her eyes weren’t amber yet, but their brownish-blue hue held the promise of amber. She would have her dad’s eyes, I had no doubt. And even if she didn’t have his eyes, she was as precious as a gemstone to us, so naming her after amber seemed only fitting.

“Ambra,” I whispered.

Maximus stared at her, then at me and back at her. “Ambra.”

I leaned back against the tree and unbuttoned my cardigan with trembling fingers, then tugged my boob out of my top. I reached for Ambra and put her on my chest. She immediately latched onto my breast. I covered her with my cardigan to keep her warm. Maximus removed his sweater and covered us with it. “I should get help,” he said, a bit out of it. He pulled out his phone as if he didn’t know that the signal was almost nonexistent in this spot. He knelt beside us. “What—”

Bacon let out a warning bark.

Steps rang out, and Maximus shot to his feet, reaching for his gun. Bacon began wagging his tail.

“It’s me. I heard screaming,” Cara said as she stepped into view with wide eyes as they settled on me and Ambra. She held a shotgun in her hand and had three pit bulls with her. The fourth hadn’t survived the attack, and they hadn’t yet taken in another family dog. When the dogs moved forward with interest, Bacon stepped in their way and bared his teeth. With a snap of her fingers, the pit bulls returned to Cara’s side.

“Oh wow,” she breathed. “I’ll run back to the house and call your midwife and the doc. Can you carry them?”

“Of course,” Maximus rumbled. He bent over me and lifted me into his arms with Ambra still on my chest. She was still connected to me with the umbilical cord.

“You’ll get dirty. I’m bleeding.”

“It’s fine,” Maximus said gruffly, his eyes locking on mine with warmth and concern.

I tore my gaze away from Ambra and glanced down at the small cross. Deep down, I knew it was a sign that Ambra had decided to be born here, and it filled the last crack that had remained in my heart.

I huddled on the comfy couch. Cara had prepared tea for me and turned on the heater, though it wasn’t very cold in the house.

Maximus had pulled a kitchen chair up to the sofa and was watching Ambra and me.

I stroked her cheeks, her forehead, her tiny nose, loving how squishy she looked pressed against my boob as she drank. I’d never felt more…arrived. As if I’d finally found my true purpose. Eventually, she stopped nursing and blinked up at me sleepily.

The midwife and doc had already left. Maximus had cut through the umbilical cord, and I’d changed into clean clothes while the doc and midwife had checked on a protesting Ambra and me.

“Do you want to hold her?” I asked Maximus.

Maximus gave me a look as if the question took him completely off guard. He wiped his hands on his jeans and nodded. He rose to his feet, and with my help, he lifted our tiny daughter into his arms.

“Are they always this small?” he asked, worried. Cara watched with teary eyes, then slipped out and left us alone.

I bit my lip. “She’s average size.”

Maximus’s brows puckered. “No, nothing about you is average, Ambra. You are magnificent.”

The floodworks opened, and I cried.

Maximus raised his head, alarmed. “Are you in pain? Should I call the doc?” He reached for his phone, but I quickly put my hand on his to stop him.

“No, I mean, I am, but I’m fine. I just… I’m just happy.”

Maximus nodded, still with an air of confusion.

“I’m really tired. Can we go up to the bedroom? I don’t think I can return to our apartment tonight.”

Maximus handed me Ambra again, then carried us both up the stairs. He put us gently down on the bed, then stretched out beside us. He too had changed out of his dirty clothes when the doc and midwife were here. He wrapped an arm around my shoulders, and I leaned my head against him. Ambra had fallen asleep on top of me in the bonding shirt that my midwife had given me. I loved the skin-on-skin contact, and I could tell that Ambra did too.

Maximus shook his head and blew out a breath. “I never understood when people said their whole world turned upside down because they became parents. I do now.”

I nodded because I felt different. I felt protective of Ambra, and a love so unconditional and powerful took my breath away.

I met Maximus’s gaze. “It hasn’t always been easy, and our beginning was tough. But now, knowing where it leads us, I’d do it all over again. I’d live through every dark moment, every fear, and every second of pain just to arrive right here, right this moment.”

Maximus

How could I match this declaration? I took after Dad when it came to my emotions. It made me feel uncomfortable and as if I was deeply out of my element. I wasn’t good with words, especially if they were supposed to encompass the enormity of my feelings.

Fuck, I was still out of it from witnessing Sara giving birth by herself. Because I knew I wasn’t a huge help. I’d been overwhelmed and in awe. Terrified even. I’d heard the horror stories of women dying during birth, and Sara went into labor in the middle of nowhere without medical support.

Sara had mastered it gracefully like she’d conquered every hurdle thrown her way. Her strength was extraordinary.

Hearing her say those words of love healed some wounds of the past. Sara had never blamed me, not for what Jabba forced me to do, nor for being the reason why we were captured in the first place. I’d always carry my guilt, but it didn’t threaten to crush me anymore. I wanted to put into words what Sara meant to me, what Ambra and our family meant to me, but things like that were fucking hard for me.

“You don’t have to say anything,” Sara said, seeing my struggle.

“But I want to,” I said firmly. I touched her cheek. She was pale from blood loss, another reminder that things could have ended differently and I should never take this for granted. I cleared my throat, but it still felt rough.

“I’m so happy, it’s hard to put into words. I love what we’ve built. I love Ambra, I love us, I love you so much.” I closed my eyes because these fucking words didn’t come out right, not how I wanted them, not nearly as impactful as what Sara had said. “You are the strongest woman I know. You deserve the world. You deserve happiness and joy. I’ll spend the rest of my life working tirelessly to make sure you and Ambra are happy and safe. I’ll try to show you my love with actions every day and try to voice it too. I never want you to feel unappreciated or unloved for a single moment in your life.” I swallowed. “And the dark path that we’ve trod? I’d walk it over and over again to be with you, and still, I want nothing more than to erase every moment of pain from your past, especially the pain I caused.”

Sara touched my cheek now too. “I want today to mark not just Ambra’s birth but also the day when we finally let the past be the past and focus on what we have now and our beautiful future ahead.”

I kissed her, pouring all my love into it. “You always say what I can’t say.”

“Your love language is acts of service. I know that.”

I chuckled and kissed her again. Mom too had once told Dad about his love language, and I felt the same confusion today as I had back then. “As long as you understand my love language, we’re good because I love you more than words can express.”

Sara smiled and nodded, tears shining in her eyes. “I understand.” She let out a yawn and gave me a sheepish look. “I’m sorry.”

“No. You need to sleep. You must be exhausted.” She stretched out in the bed with Ambra on her chest in the bonding shirt. It didn’t look comfortable, but Sara seemed to be blissful. And I got it. Holding Ambra in my arms had been wonderful and terrifying. This small baby was now mine to protect. I’d make sure she’d never be touched by the darkness that had harmed so many Famiglia women in the past.

Sara fell asleep right away, and after a few minutes, I snuck out and went downstairs. Mom and Dad, who had returned from his appointment in the city with Primo, sat around the table. He got up and hugged me. “Congrats, Maximus. I’m so proud of you. Your mom told me what happened.”

“I didn’t do much. Sara did it all.”

Dad shrugged as if that was to be expected. “Women always do.” He gave Mom a look that made her smile.

“Sara and Ambra are asleep. You can see them in the morning,” I told Dad.

“I can be patient,” Dad rumbled.

“Just not with your recovery,” Mom said with an air of disapproval. Since Dad’s surgery, he went into the city for rehab three times a week, and he went to the gym to build more muscle in the rest of his body every day. He had learned to walk with his futuristic prosthesis in no time too, but he was annoyed that he hadn’t managed to get rid of the limp yet. Due to the still healing wounds, he couldn’t constantly wear his prosthesis.

Dad grumbled something under his breath. Primo came in wet and dirty.

I raised my eyebrows. That was how I had looked before I’d changed clothes, only with more blood.

“One of the new dogs jumped me from behind, and I did a face-plant.” He gave me a broad smile and pulled me into a hug that got me dirty. “Congrats, big brother. I can’t believe you’re a dad now.”

I couldn’t really wrap my head around it yet either. Mom warmed up some soup while I checked the messages on my phone. Word had gotten out that Ambra was born, and people sent congratulations. Amo and Greta’s message especially meant a lot because I knew how much they struggled with their fate.

“I’ll take a short walk to the oak tree. If Sara needs me, can you come get me?” I asked Primo.

He gave a nod and settled on the couch in front of the TV. “I’ll have to leave in the morning. Because you and Dad can’t do the shift, I have to work more, remember?”

“It’s not like you have other plans,” I said with a wink.

Dad grimaced. “I would work more, but Luca insists I fully recover before I return to my old schedule.”

I left with a chuckle. Once outside in the crisp evening air, I buttoned the jacket I’d borrowed from Dad since my own was ruined and walked into the woods. My heartbeat quickened when I arrived at the oak tree, but it was nothing compared to the crazy pounding when Sara had gone into labor.

I squatted down before the cross that I’d carved in one of the darkest hours of my life. If someone had told me back then that I would find happiness and love, I wouldn’t have believed them, especially not if they’d told me that I’d find both with Sara. I was glad I hadn’t given up, that I’d accepted the struggle and made a promise to redeem myself. In the past, I’d often tortured myself with questions of what-if, but today, I made the promise to stop my mind from going down this spiral of hypothesis. It led nowhere except for madness.

Things were good, fuck, better than good as they were now. I had everything and more than I’d ever wanted. I still wasn’t sure I deserved any of it, but I’d work hard to be deserving of it one day.