Sin and Redemption

My belly clenched violently, but only bile left my mouth. I sat back on my haunches and closed my eyes. Gathering the courage to ask Maximus for a child had taken a toll on me. His reaction had been the one I’d been dreading. It was obvious he didn’t want to touch me again. I still remembered his disgusted expression in the cell afterward. Was it that? Did the idea of touching me again disgust him?

I sighed. In the aftermath, especially in the first few weeks after the incident, I’d been disgusted by my body. I’d barely been able to touch myself, not even to clean in the shower. I felt better now, most days at least, but today, the memories from that day echoed particularly loud, and I couldn’t silence them.

I wanted children. That was my motivation. Even if the process to get them would be hard, I’d go through with it.

Maybe I should have broached the subject of having children sooner. After a year of my silent retreat from him, Maximus must feel steamrolled by my sudden request. I considered going back to dinner to apologize, but gathering the courage to talk to Maximus and then throwing up had taken a toll on me physically and mentally, and I simply couldn’t muster up the energy.

I hadn’t been hungry all day, and now, I felt positively nauseated by the idea of putting food into my mouth, so I couldn’t even return to finish my meal.

Maximus didn’t come to see me. He never did. I wasn’t sure if he simply didn’t care how I felt or if he preferred to pretend everything was fine. Maybe it made things easier for him. I wasn’t even sure I wanted him to try consoling me. We still felt very much like strangers. And he was probably angry because I’d suggested he slept with other women. But it had never even crossed my mind that he might not. He had been a very sexually active man before our marriage, and now he didn’t have any sex at all. My guilt increased. Maybe Maximus had been so clipped because I’d hurt his feelings with my words. He always appeared so strong and unfazed that I often forgot that he had feelings too. I needed to talk to someone.

I picked up my phone and called Isa. She picked up after the second ring.

We had never been super close, not like good friends. We had been too different, but since my capture Isa and I had begun spending more time with each other. Even if our experiences weren’t quite the same, she too had experienced trauma through captivity. I admired the way she handled it: with her usual dose of sarcasm and stubbornness.

“I hope you have a good reason to call. I’m currently writing a very satisfying murder scene,” she muttered in typical Isa style.

“Oh, I didn’t mean to disturb you. I can call—”

“Bull,” she interrupted me harshly. Then continued in a softer voice. “I can hear you’re upset. Do you need me to come over?”

I swallowed, tears welling up in my eyes. “Talking to you on the phone is good.” Isa had more freedom than many mafia girls of her status, but since her kidnapping, her dad, Matteo, had definitely upped her protection a lot. I didn’t want to cause her trouble.

“Okay. What happened?”

I told her of my conversation with Maximus. I hadn’t mentioned my decision to ask Maximus for a child with anyone. She was silent for several heartbeats before she said, “Maximus is a tough guy, but even tough guys have things they can’t brush off. That day probably still haunts him, so he might be anxious about taking the next step in your marriage.”

I bit my lip. Hearing Isa confirm that I had ignored Maximus’s feelings made me feel horrible.

“And maybe it would be a good idea to work on your marriage first before you try to be intimate.”

Deep down, I knew Isa had a valid point, but the idea of waiting years—because considering the state of our marriage, that wasn’t an unlikely timeframe to fix our problems—for a child increased the ache in my chest to unbearable dimensions.

“You’ll be a great Mom,” Isa assured me after a while. “But do you really think you can go through with having sex with Maximus? You haven’t been intimate with him since that day. Maybe you should at least try to build up to sex. Kiss and fool around a bit. Learn to feel comfortable with his touch and enjoy your body again.”

How could she sound so poised and grown-up when she was three years younger than me?

“That’s why I’m glad we’re chatting on the phone. You’d laugh at how red my face is.” I sighed. “I don’t think that would work. I don’t think it’s something Maximus wants.”

“Have you asked him?”

“No,” I whispered.

“Then you can’t know. Let me ask another question… what do you want? Apart from a baby.”

“I don’t know. I’m not sure I can ever be with him without being reminded of that day.”

“Not if you don’t try. You have to take action. Replace the bad memories with good ones.”

“Is that how you’ve handled your kidnapping?”

“I don’t see my capturers on a daily basis.”

“But now that there’s peace and that Amo and Greta are married, you will see them more often.”

“I know,” she said tightly. “I let the whole thing bother me for too long, allowed it to darken my days and nights. That’s over. I’m giving fate the finger and taking life into my hands.”

“Maybe that’s what I’m doing by deciding to have a child. Sex isn’t important to me.”

“It is, just not in a good way,” she contradicted.

I spent half the night thinking about Isa’s words. I had never asked Maximus what he wanted. Maybe because I was terrified that he didn’t want children. I wasn’t sure I could ever be happy again without filling the void the pregnancy loss left in my chest.

Maximus was in the kitchen, leaning against the table, his coffee and his cell phone in his hands.

He looked up when I entered and gave me a tense smile before he returned his attention to the screen. Even on good days, we hardly talked during our morning coffee, and today was far from good.

I poured myself a coffee—Maximus always cooked enough for the two of us—and moved toward the table. Maximus made room so I could sit down, but instead, I leaned against the table beside him—something I’d never done. I would have preferred to sit down, but I had a feeling Maximus didn’t feel like sitting down. I took a sip from my coffee. The scent of the coffee mingled with Maximus’s crisp aftershave.

“What are your plans for the day?” I asked, cringing at how forced it sounded.

Maximus put his phone in his pocket and focused on me. “I go to work,” he said, obviously taken aback by my interest.

I nodded. “I’m going to my parents’ house to help Mom paint one of Inessa’s walls mauve.”

“I know. You mentioned that she thinks her room was too childish.”

I blinked. Sometimes I chatted about whatever crossed my mind during our brief evening conversation or when we were in a car together, but I’d never taken into consideration that Maximus was actually listening. I gave him a sheepish smile.

“You thought I didn’t listen to you.” There wasn’t accusation in his voice, only resignation.

“Because you rarely say anything in return,” I said in a feeble attempt to defend myself.

“I’m not someone who talks a lot, especially not with people I don’t know well.”

Ouch. I nodded. “If you don’t tell me anything, I won’t get to know you.”

He raised an eyebrow. “You sure you want to know about my days?”

Dad never talked about work during meals, but I was sure he shared his daily work life with Mom. Maybe not in every gruesome detail, but definitely the important things. “Yes.”

Maximus put his coffee mug down on the table. “Today, I’m only dealing with standard debtors. One of them has been in hiding for weeks, but I have a lead on him.”

“Be careful,” I said.

Maximus straightened with a sardonic smile. “I’ll make sure I won’t die before I get you pregnant.”

I flushed. “Just be careful. Always.” I swallowed. “I’m really sorry if I offended you with my request.”

Maximus put a hand on my shoulder. The simple touch was more intimacy than we’d shared in a while. His warmth seeped through my clothes, and it felt surprisingly natural. “You won’t ever have to apologize to me, Sara.”

The two days until my ovulation flew by in a blink. On the morning of my ovulation, I couldn’t eat a single bite. The line on the ovulation test still hadn’t reached the absolute peak color, but my period had been very light and short last time, so maybe my body didn’t produce the necessary amount of hormones for these tests. When Maximus sat down across from me and looked at my face, he asked, “Tonight?”

He made it sound like we were waiting for our execution.

I nodded, clutching my coffee cup in a death grip. The protein bar still lay untouched beside my hands. I’d decided to eat more protein, and since I didn’t eat much, protein bars seemed like a good solution.

“I’ll try to be home early.”

“You don’t have to be. It won’t take long,” I said quickly, then snapped my lips shut and felt heat rise into my head. Why did I have to say something like that?

An apology lay on the tip of my tongue, but then I remembered Maximus’s words and was unsure what to do.

His face was stone, his jaw clenched. He gave a hard nod. “Sure.” He shoved to his feet, then hesitated as if he wanted to say more, but then he turned and left.

I released a shaky breath. I wasn’t sure how to keep myself busy until tonight. Maybe I should just have asked Maximus to do it now, but I couldn’t bring myself to run after him.

Since it was the weekend, I didn’t even have any classes. Not that I would have been in a state of mind for them.

I decided to call Isa and ask her to go shopping with me.

“Shopping?” Isa repeated.

“Spring decorations. And I need a few coffee table books for the sideboard in the living room and in my bedroom.”

“All right. If I get the chance to enter a bookstore today, I’ll come along. I’ll be there in thirty minutes.”

Isa was always good at distracting me with her dry, dark humor and I-don’t-give-a-shit attitude, but today, even her presence could hardly stop my brain from dreading tonight.

Maximus returned from work after dinner. He’d sent me a message that he’d grab something to eat at work. I was relieved I wouldn’t have to spend an awkward dinner sitting across from him. I just wanted to get tonight over with.

I was already in the bedroom when he knocked and then came in. I wore a loose-fitting nightgown and no underwear to make it easier for him.

He stopped in the doorframe and regarded me with a hard-to-read expression. He wore black sweatpants, a tight white tee, and white sneakers. Not his usual work attire.

“I hit the gym to let off some steam,” he said.

I searched his face, wondering why he needed to let off steam. But my nerves stopped me from being ready to assess someone else’s reasoning.

When I didn’t say anything, he pushed off his sneakers and kicked them out into the corridor. I almost said something, but then he closed the door and came closer. He stopped at arm’s length from me and glanced down at me. For some reason, his tall frame and muscles stood out more than usual today, and it made me nervous, which didn’t even make sense. It hadn’t been Maximus’s strength that had hurt me. He hadn’t overpowered me. Maximus had never once crossed any boundaries I’d set even though he was more than capable to do so.

“We don’t have to do anything,” he murmured in his deep voice.

“I’m ovulating tonight.”

“You said that already.”

His voice rang with tension, but when I looked up at his face, it was carefully guarded. “Can we just get started? The wait is making it worse.”

Maximus looked down at his feet, then gave a nod. He looked up with the same guarded expression as before and took a step toward me.

“Should I lie down?” I asked quickly.

He frowned. “If that makes you feel more comfortable.”

Definitely not, but I needed to speed things up before I lost my courage and would have to wait another month for my ovulation. I climbed onto the bed and stretched out on my back.

Maximus stayed where he was, his eyes on me.

“We don’t have to do this again if everything goes to plan,” I told him.

He smiled strangely. “That’s good news.”

He sank down on the bed beside me, then after a deep exhale, he turned to me and bent over me. I realized he was going to kiss me. His hand touched my shoulder lightly.

“What are you doing?” I asked, panicking.

He froze with his face above mine. “I was going to kiss you and help you relax so it’s a good experience for you.”

“It won’t be. Please don’t draw it out. Can’t you just do it like last time?”

He pushed away and turned his back on me. His shoulder muscles flexed. “Like last time?” His voice shook with anger.

“I don’t mean it like that… I just mean…can you make it quick?”

He chuckled. “I might need a moment to get it up.”

“I’ll wait.”

He didn’t say anything for a while, didn’t even move. Was he trying to get in a mental state to get an erection? Was he thinking of other girls? Now that I knew that he wasn’t sleeping with other girls, I wasn’t sure what I was feeling. A sort of relief that surprised me, definitely, but also a hint of guilt.

He pushed to his feet and shoved down his sweatpants and boxers. My eyes widened when I saw his round ass. He sat back down, and his arm began moving. It took me a moment to realize what he was doing. I quickly looked away and up at the ceiling. I wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but it seemed to take forever before Maximus finally climbed up on the bed on all fours.

“Are you sure?” he asked in a low voice.

I glanced at his face. It was sweaty and red, and the look in his eyes was hard as steel. My belly tightened. “Yes.” He slowly pushed my legs apart and climbed between them.

I squeezed my eyes shut.

I could feel him shift until his presence hovered above me. My nightgown was still covering me.

“I can turn the lights off if it helps,” he muttered. He sounded absolutely mad. Was he angry that I made him do it? Maybe he really didn’t want kids, but my wish for them was simply too great to retreat.

“Yes.”

I opened my eyes and was greeted by near blackness. Only the outline of Maximus was above me.

“Can you do it now?”

“I can. But it’ll hurt, Sara. I don’t think—”

“Just do it.”

He pushed my nightgown up, then I felt him press up against me. He was slick with some sort of lubricant that he must have put on. I tensed up like last time.

“You need to relax,” he implored.

“I can’t. Just do it, dammit. You owe it to me!” Despair and fear threatened to swallow me up.

“I owe you more than that,” he said quietly, then he shifted and pushed into me. He was slow and careful. I pressed my lips together. The pain was intense, almost as bad as last time. Images threatened to push forward—Jabba’s leering face, the camera filming everything, the third man touching himself because seeing Maximus take me turned him on.

A sob slipped out.

“Fuck it!” he snarled. “I’m not doing this.”

I gripped his bicep, sinking my nails into his skin. “No. I’ll be silent. Just make me a baby.”

He didn’t say anything, only breathed harshly, but then he began to move, harder and faster than before.

I closed my eyes. It took longer than I’d hoped, so when Maximus tensed up, and I felt his release, I could have cried in relief. He sagged down and buried his face in the pillow beside my head.

I stayed motionless beneath him for a while, not wanting to chase him away right away, but eventually, he got too heavy. “Can you move?”

He pushed off me and got up right away. Even in the darkness, I could see him gather his clothes from the floor before he moved to the door.

I almost called out for him to stay but didn’t. I wasn’t sure I could bear his closeness now. Sometimes I wished we were more than just married on paper. Sometimes I wondered how it would be to fall asleep beside him and to be in his arms, to be kissed.

I touched my belly and raised my hips. I’d read the latter would increase the chances of getting pregnant. Maybe it was superstition, but I needed to make sure this worked. Maximus stepped out into the corridor and began to close the door.

“Thank you,” I said.

“Don’t thank me for that.” His harsh voice made me flinch. “Let’s hope we won’t have to do it again.”

He closed the door.

I pressed my lips together and began to cry. So many emotions flooded me that it was hard to tell what caused the tears. Relief, sadness, hurt, hope. Maybe this was a new beginning for me and a little baby.

Maximus

I leaned against the door and listened to Sara’s crying. My heart hammered in my chest, and I felt sick. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d thrown up. Probably as a teen as a result of too much alcohol.

When I couldn’t bear the sound of her devastation anymore, I went to the bathroom and took a shower. I needed to wash away the traces of what had just happened. The memories were harder to wash away.

I dried myself off and put on fresh clothes. My skin felt too tight for my body, and my heart didn’t stop pounding. Adrenaline pumped in my veins. I needed to get out of here or lose my fucking mind.

I picked up my phone and called Primo.

“I’m at a party.”

“I need you to watch Sara for me.”

The sound of girls’ laughter rang in the background. “I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

I hung up and sat down on the couch, staring straight ahead, trying to suppress the need for destruction. I needed to let out the fire in my veins. I was about to go mad.

Keys turned in the front door. I got up, grabbed my car keys, and walked past Primo without a word. I felt on the brink of something really bad.

“I’ll give Amo a call. Don’t go out like this alone, Max.”

I didn’t say anything; I just walked out. I arrived at the Famiglia gym in record time. I didn’t even remember the drive there. My truck was parked askew across two parking spots. I stormed into the building and got on the treadmill, turning it to 12 mph. I’d never been a runner, not literally and definitely not metaphorically. I faced my problems head-on.

But this problem…

Fuck, what was I doing?

Sweat ran down my back and face, but the running didn’t help. My memories were chasing me. Sara’s soft sobs, the look in her eyes before I’d turned off the lights.

I’d always loved sex—the smell, the taste, the sounds, the sensations, the orgasms. Tonight had been a nightmare, almost as bad as last time.

Maybe it would have helped if I’d found a girl for a great fuck, but I couldn’t do this to Sara. Even if she probably didn’t care. She was my wife, and no matter if our vows were worth almost nothing, I wouldn’t trample on them like that too. I closed my eyes and ran blindly.

“Maximus!” someone shouted.

My eyes flew open, and I almost lost my footing. I turned down the pace to 7 mph and finally spotted Amo over on my right, watching me in concern. “I called your name twice before you reacted. Your survival skills are lacking.”

I didn’t smile, turned back around, and kept running. Running helped a little bit, but it wasn’t enough. What I really needed was blood and violence. Amo got on the treadmill beside mine and began jogging at a leisurely pace. His eyes were focused on me. “Primo called me, but he didn’t know what was wrong with you.”

“Who says something’s wrong?”

Amo rolled his eyes. “One look at your face tells me all I need to know. Now spill.”

I slanted him a look. Amo had been through a lot with his deceased wife, Cressida, and his hopeless love for Greta Falcone, but the tables had turned since he’d married Greta. I wasn’t sure how much I wanted to confide in him, but not because I didn’t trust Amo. I had trusted him with my life before. For some inane reason, this seemed even harder than trusting someone with my life, though. It felt intimate and weak in a way that made my skin crawl. I jammed my finger on the screen and reduced my speed further.

“Sara wants a baby,” I said, then hit the stop button because the words alone made my heart race and my breath come in short bursts. The treadmill slowed to a stop, and I gripped the railings, suddenly in need of support. My heart pounded in my chest like crazy.

Amo hit the stop too and turned to face me, leaning against the railing. He frowned. “That’s not completely unexpected, right? She’s someone I always saw as a mom.”

“The problem is that she doesn’t want to use a fertility clinic. She wants to do it the old-fashioned way.”

Amo’s confusion grew. “Okay. You are wife and husband.” A hint of discomfort entered Amo’s expression. “And if you have trouble getting it up after the shit show of the past, then nobody would blame you. Pop a pill or two. It’ll get better. Sara’s an attractive woman.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. He held up his hands. “And my cousin.”

“Sara’s gorgeous; that’s not the fucking problem.”

“Then what is? If Sara wants to make a baby the old-fashioned way, that’s good, right? You haven’t had a sex life yet, right?”

I gritted my teeth. “No. Fuck.” I stared down and took a deep breath, then told him in very basic terms what had happened tonight.

Amo blew out a breath. “Fuck. That’s a shitty situation.”

Shitty didn’t even begin to cover it. Just thinking about it made me want to wreak utter destruction around me.

“Maybe I should ask her for a divorce. That way, she could start new with a guy who doesn’t remind her of one of the worst days of her life. But I can’t. I just can’t. Even if our marriage is far from good, even if things are hard, I don’t want to give her up.” I chuckled bitterly. Every time I saw my ring on Sara’s finger or heard her say my last name as hers, I felt possessive, even proud that I could call a woman like her my own. I was so fucked up. “See how fucked I am?”

“She’s your wife. Of course, you don’t want anyone else to be with her. You’re not a saint. None of us are.”

“I’m not sure I can do this again if I didn’t get her pregnant this time. I can torture whoever lies on my table, but I can’t do this.”

“You’re human.”

I laughed. “Fuck, I wish I wasn’t. I wish I could be as emotionless as I am while on the job. But Sara…”

“Talk to her.”

“That’s not my forte.”

“Neither mine,” Amo said with a pressed-out laugh. “But this situation is fucking you up. You need to change something.”

“I just hope I got her pregnant tonight.”

Amo looked doubtful. “Even if that’s the case, you’re married, and you’ll be parents someday. Don’t you think it would be good if you actually tried to be a couple too?”

“Let’s just go kill someone. I need to vent. I need blood.”

“I’m sure we can find someone.”