Siblings with benefits

"Nope, only thing you're working out on tomorrow is me," I leaned up and kissed his neck. "We have a lot of catching up to do. Wasted a lot of time the last year or so."

I closed my eyes and was ready to drift off when it dawned on me that my last remark hadn't come out right. Mark was silent and I was hoping I hadn't upset him thinking that I meant Samantha had been a mistake all along as I had been referring to my own attempt as well. A moment later I heard Mark say quietly as if almost to himself;

"Yes we have, and a lot more than a year."

*****

I sat up in the chair stunned. Ever since Mark had professed his love for me on Saturday night I had known that it had somehow stemmed from his time with Samantha. Now however, I felt that I had just pinpointed the exact moment that my brother became sure of the two of us. Thinking more on it the one thing up until that point Mark had gotten from Samantha that I had never given him was soft slow sex; making love. Although I recently had given it a lot of thought; love making had never really appealed to me. Well that was not really true, I had known it was out there but figured I would only experience it when I found my true love.

I had always avoided it with Tommy because no matter how close we were, deep down I had always known I was not in love with him. I was also quite well aware of how my brother had tried to go slow and easy with me when we were younger and I always turned it into the game or at the least a wild ride. Many times my brother had tried to love "His Megan" as he had called me the other night, but ended up with the 'nasty girl' that always appeared when she was fucking her brother. That night however, I had given Mark the one thing I never had before; I had made love to him.

I had not seen it that way at the time. Back then I had just seen it as giving him exactly what he needed the way he needed it. Now however, it hit me how that moment had confirmed to Mark that I was truly his love. The next time I would see him was in Chicago after the Winthrop case and he had once again tried to be sweet to me. At that time I had thought that he had gone soft and forced him to take me. I had completely missed the signs. The next month he had said he wanted to talk to me, most likely about the two of us and I had announced to him that I had met Laura, once again putting him on hold. I idly picked up my coffee and taking a sip heard my brother's voice in my head;

"Yes we have, and a lot more than a year."

I put the coffee down and tried to focus my tired mind on the thought that I had made love to Mark. Was that the elusive image I'd had several times in my mind since Saturday when it seemed as if Mark had made love to me once before? No, in that image Mark had been over me and there had been a different look on his face. I frowned as it came to me once more, but fleetingly and only his face. There was nothing around to tell me when or where it could have been.

I looked up as the door opened and Mark came in. Closing the door behind him he came over to the desk removing his suit jacket as he did.

"Well hello councilor." He said as he draped the jacket over one of the two chairs in front of his desk.

"Sorry I'll move." I said, starting to grab my coffee and get up.

"No don't." Mark answered, reaching down and picking up the ice coffee I had gotten him. "You look good behind my desk," He smirked. "Would look even better under or on top of it though."

"Yeah, something tells me the carpet under here is worn out from all your little interns and pets."

Mark laughed, and as he always did removed the lid from the coffee. As I watched he chugged almost half of it straight down.

"Damn." I said wincing. "How the hell don't you get a brain freeze?"

"I do." Mark said as he turned and walked over to the small bar against the wall. "But I like the pain."

As I watched Mark opened a bottle of coffee brandy and poured quite a bit into the coffee. Putting the lid back on he shook it, and removing the lid took several more long swallows. Tossing the lid in the trash he grabbed the brandy bottle and walked back towards the desk with it.

"I am all about extremes after all." He said sitting down across from me.

"I can see that." I said thinking of the booze, but instead said. "That shirt says it all. I mean damn Mark that's flashy even for you."

"Yeah it is." Mark said touching the sleeve. "But it was a gift from a friend."

"Tailor made?" I asked.

"Finest Egyptian cotton." Mark said smirking. "Not bad for a street rat no?"

I watched as Mark took another swallow of the coffee then picked up the bottle and poured more brandy into it.

"You been drinking like that all day Mark?" I asked.

"Well you know how it is." Mark answered, sitting back in the chair. "Clients come in, I break the news, we talk over old times have a couple of drinks." He grinned. "Lotsa clients, lotsa drinks."

I nodded. Mark wasn't drunk but getting there. When my eloquent brother started using words like 'lotsa' he was on his way. In my estimate he was a couple of drinks away from a good old 'not for nuthin'.

"You drank almost an entire bottle of Jack last night Mark," I reminded him.

"Indulgence over abstinence sis." Mark replied quoting the first Satanic statement.

"Until it becomes counter productive pride." I said reminding him of one of the Satanic Sins. The one of which I had been most guilty of in my life. "Be careful Mark; make that it for the night."

Mark rolled his eyes.

"Thanks sis, but let's remember which of the two of us here has a problem."

I stared hard at my brother, telling myself he hadn't meant that, or if he did he was trying to bait me into getting upset, another game. Maintaining my calm I simply nodded and said;

"Classy Mark, really classy. What's next? A joke about following white lines down the street?"

The smirk vanished from Mark's face and he shook his head;

"Shit I'm sorry Meg, I... I didn't mean that I just..." He shrugged. "I don't know just edgy."

"Whatever Mark, that's not an excuse."

"Yeah well not like I'm any better." Mark said with a sigh. "Your demons live in a bottle, mine are in my head." He shrugged. "You go to meetings I take meds."

Mark leaned forward and put the drink down on the desk.

"Sins of the past still shaping the present." He muttered.

I breathed a sigh of relief that Mark had not been deliberately egging me on, and had simply not been thinking. I was also glad that I had checked his meds as that crack had smacked of something his darker half would have tossed out there. As Mark looked down at the desk I remembered the point of me being there.

"Speaking of sins of the past," I began, locking my eyes with his as he looked up. "Lunch with Dad seemed to be full of that."

"I'm sure because you brought it up." Mark replied holding my gaze.

"I did." I answered, and then took a gamble. "Mark, I pushed dad hard and he told me what's going on."

Mark blinked and his eyes narrowed but he did not look away.

"Did he?" He asked. "And what did dear old dad tell you?"

"You tell me Mark." I said coolly. "I think I deserve to hear it from your mouth little brother. Dad owned up, let's see if you can."

Mark's golden green slightly glassy eyes stared into my unblinking ice blue gaze. Mark's eyes shifted away from mine and I felt my heart begin to beat faster as he looked uncomfortable. My hopes were short lived however, as he looked back at me and burst out laughing;

"Oh come on Meg! Christ that is the dumbest trick in the book! I mean what are you twelve?"

I put my head down embarrassed that I would even try that. I was hoping to capitalize on his feeling bad about that remark about my drinking. Games I said to myself; no more fucking games. Looking back up at him I asked point blank.

"Mark what the fuck happened between you and my father?"

"You don't need to know Megan." Mark said, the smile instantly leaving his face. "And fortunately this seems to be the one thing Doug agrees with me on."

"Glad the two of you know what's best for me." I said. "But that isn't good enough Mark. Now fucking tell me."

"No." Mark said simply.

"Mark so help me..."

"So help you what sis?" Mark asked. "What are you going to do? Kick my ass?"

"This isn't a joke Mark!"

"Listen Megan, there is no reason for you to be involved it's just fucking stupidity okay?" Mark put his arms out. "Doug has never really liked me Megan and you know it."

"And a lot of that was me Mark. I mean right after you helped me, Dad was fine with you, I mean you guys would bicker a little, but Christ Mark he even called you his son."

"Yeah well guilt does funny things to people." Mark replied.

"Funny dad said the same thing when I brought up you letting him give me my first year medallion." I pointed out.

"Yeah well not for nuthin Meg," Mark began. "Difference there is I was trying to help you out with your father. I had no reason to be guilty." He grunted. "I wasn't the one who gave up."

I remained silent thinking on how uncanny it was that Mark had not only repeated what Dad had said but had thrown out the same remark about my father that I had. Amazing how similar our thoughts were. Then again we were brother and sister after all. Mark's descending into street slang was not lost upon me either. I might have a chance to trip him up.

"I told him that Mark."

"Why would you bring that up?"

"Because he was attacking you Mark, and no one attacks my little brother. Not even my father."

"Don't worry about it Megan. I know the truth."

"Well I don't goddamn it!" I snapped slapping the desk. "And I want it Mark, now!"

"Meg..."

"You never used to keep things from me Mark." I told him. "You always told me everything."

"You were always here to tell." Mark replied softly. "You're not anymore. There are things I won't talk about on a damn phone call and when I get to see you once every six months I want it to be fun not bullshit."

"Yeah well speaking of bullshit Mark, lay off yours okay? I've been in Chicago over five years now. It's only been the last year you've been keeping shit from me."

"Things have changed for me." Mark said quietly.

"Fuck Mark, you won't even tell me what happened with you and Alex."

"The fucking trial Megan, it's that simple. Ego and pride."

"I don't believe that Mark, 20 years he was like a brother to you I'm..."

"I was there you weren't!" Mark snapped. "Stop telling me there's more when there's not."

"Okay what about the case Mark? You were ready to pack it in and then two days later they're copping a plea what did you do?"

"What I had too." Mark said. "I went lower than they did."

"That's not an answer."

"What is this Meg twenty fucking questions?" Mark asked throwing his hands in the air. "Christ my job and my alleged friends are none of your business. Do I ask you about how you paint or who you hang with?"

"Then answer one of them Mark. What the hell happened with Dad? That one is my business because it's about me."

"Everything is about you Meg," Mark said reaching for the bottle again. "Even if it's not you have a habit of making it that way."

"Enough!" I said, and leaning forward snatched the bottle from his hand and pulled it towards me.

"Let that go!" Mark snapped, his hand blurring out and taking it back from me.

"Oh what the fuck Mark?" I yelled. "What do you think after six years I'm going to take a shot?" I shook my head disgustedly. "Don't think much of me these days do you?"

Mark looked at the bottle in his hand and then carefully set it down between us.

"I'm sorry." He said simply. "I'm just tired."

"And a little drunk." I added.

Mark didn't answer, and I remained silent forcing myself to relax. I wanted to know about my father not fight.

"Mark," I began softly. "Dad did tell me one thing. He said that you hurt me."

Mark stared at me and I could tell he was trying to see if I was lying.

"He said that?"

"Yes Mark he said it was a long time ago, but he didn't find out about it until recently, But he said you hurt me."

"He would see it that way." Mark replied as he looked away.

"To make it worse Mark he said you admitted it to him. That he heard it from you."

"Whatever Megan Doug...."

"It is not whatever Mark!!" I yelled losing my temper. "My father tells me my brother hurt me! I told him you didn't and he gives me that shit the therapist told us; that I might block things out!"

"Calm down sis..."

"I will not calm down!! How do you not get this Mark? You won't tell me anything so now I'm sitting here wondering did he? Did you hurt me and I don't want to remember?"

"Megan..."

"And if that's the case you would remember it, and that means you're not telling me. It's something you don't want to admit!" I took a deep breath and lowered my voice.

"How should I feel Mark? Is that a 'whatever' to you? That you might have hurt me and I can't even remember it? I should just say oh screw it? This is a big fucking deal Mark."

Mark was silent and leaning forward I put my hand over his.

"Mark, listen to me. If you did something you can tell me. I mean it had to be years ago when I was screwed up. Mark no matter what it is you know I'll forgive you. Hell little brother you're the most important thing in my life, nothing can come between us you know that." I squeezed his hand;

"Please just tell me Mark."

Mark took a deep breath and looking me in the eye began speaking softly;

"Megan I know there are probably some things you might not recall but I want you to ask yourself something." He paused and putting his hand over mine continued;

"I'm sure you have already asked yourself this but do it looking in my eyes. Do you, deep down in your heart, believe that I would ever hurt you?" he swallowed and said softly; "There was that one time Meg and only the two of us know that."

Mark looked away as did, neither of us wanted to go there. Mark looked back at me;

"Really Megan do you think for a second that I hurt you?"

"But Dad said you told him you did! I mean I know Dad can twist things Mark, but he wouldn't lie."

"Megan, Doug hears what he wants to hear." Mark patted my hand. "What do you believe Meg? Do you think I did something terrible to you and then kept it secret?"

I looked into my brother's beautiful eyes and remembered his words at the Wolves Den "I'll never let anyone hurt you Megan."

"No Mark." I answered softly. "I don't think you hurt me."

"Okay then." Mark said slipping his hand from mine and sitting back in his chair.

"You didn't answer the question Mark."

"No Meg, you answered it."

"I said that I don't think you did Mark that wasn't you saying it."

"It was you saying it Megan." Mark replied shrugging. "You said you don't think I did and I'm saying you answered the question."

Despite my best efforts I snapped again;

"Goddamn it Mark! This isn't the fucking courthouse! "Don't you dare play word games with me!" I pointed my finger at him my voice rising again; "I'm not leaving until you tell me..."

I stopped, as leaning forward; Mark slammed his fist down on the desk hard enough to make the picture of us fall over.

"Enough!!" Mark shouted. "You want me to tell you something?!?"

Mark had leaned forward so quickly I found myself leaning away from the desk as he began yelling;

"You got some fucking balls demanding anything from me Megan!" He pointed his finger at me. "I seem to recall asking you a pretty fucking important question the other night, one that you haven't even answered yet!"

"Fuck Megan, I asked you about the rest of our goddamn lives!" he threw his hands up in the air in frustration. "Hell, I laid my heart on the line for you and you couldn't answer me. I let it go and I'm giving you fucking time."

Mark stood up, and slammed his fist on the desk again causing me to jump.

"Christ, I don't take shit from anyone Megan, and here I am giving you days to answer a question you should have been able to answer right away! I'm letting you play me for a fucking sucker because I know how you are; you need to have time to play all your little what if games and think it all through. I'm sitting back like an asshole because I know it's impossible for you to just go with your heart."

He took a deep breath and sat back in his seat.

"But that is my choice Megan, I've decided to let you string me along but in the meantime I'll be fucking damned if I'm going to let you demand anything from me! You want an answer then give me one."

As Mark stared at me, I tried to look into his eyes but couldn't. Rather than answer I looked over at the picture of us that had fallen over. How symbolic I thought dryly. Taking a breath I looked back at Mark who was shaking his head.

"No answer? I didn't think so. It's okay Meg; I'll play sucker one more night like we agreed and then tomorrow I'll be the one demanding something, my doormat days are over sis even for you."

I had nothing. Mark was absolutely right. He had opened his heart to me and I was stringing him along. In that light I had no right to ask anything of him. I let out a long breath and started to get up.

"You're right Mark. I...I'm going to get going I'll call you tomorrow."

"Meg, sit down." Mark said softly looking up at me he added; "Please."

I sat back down and watched as Mark leaned forward and propping his elbows on the desk rested his face in his hands. I saw him take several long slow breaths before bringing his head back up.

"Megan, the last thing I want to do is fight with you." He said in a subdued tone. "Really, and I know your upset about your father and I, he should have never said as much as he did." Mark grunted. "But in the end I guess he couldn't resist a chance to turn you against me."

"Mark I... I believe you." I told him reaching across and gently touching his cheek. "I believe you didn't hurt me but I..."

"Megan let it go." Mark said softly.

"Okay." I said removing my hand from his face.

"Megan," Mark began, "I...I love you." He looked away. "I told myself I wouldn't say it again unless I thought you would say it back and in the way I mean it." he shrugged. "But then again I didn't see us fighting like this. I don't want to fight with you Megan, about anything, especially the past."

I felt like an asshole as Mark spoke. Why couldn't I say it back to him? How is it that my brother, who had been through worse than I had as a kid, never mind the demons he continued to battle, be so sure of his heart and I wasn't? Did I not love him? Feeling as if I needed to say something I whispered;

"I don't want to fight with either, I just," I picked my words carefully. "I just feel as if there's something big that you're keeping from me and it's more than just dad. Mark, mom's worried about you. She's told me a couple of times you're not yourself."

"I'm not." Mark said. "I have a lot on my heart."

Heart, not mind I noticed he had said.

"Mark will you call Mom for me? Maybe take her out to lunch at least once before you leave."

"It's not..."

"Mark mom has been good to you. She loves you and you know it. Hell I don't even know why you stopped calling her mom all of a sudden. She told me she's back to Denise. I don't suppose you will talk about that?"

Mark shook his head sadly.

"Can't." He swallowed hard and I swore his eyes were misting up. "I'll give her a call later this week and take her out." he gave me an attempt at a smile. "Okay big sis?"

"She'll be thrilled."

I took a few sips of my coffee as Mark reached out and fixed the picture of the two of us.

"Want me to go Mark?" I asked.

"No you can stay if you want. I'll probably be heading out soon anyway."

Mark looked at his desk and then laughed softly.

"Hey Meg, know what I'm going to do next time I come down your way?"