RoomHate

The three months that followed Christmas dragged.

Bea started to walk right around the time she turned one on March fifteenth. Justin was pissed that he’d missed not only her birthday, but her first steps. He kept trying to get her to say Dada or Daddy during our Skype chats to no avail.

Those weeks were tough, but knowing with absolute certainty that he was definitely coming home to us was what got me through. Getting to finally see him in concert at the end of it all was the cherry on top.

The tour had finally made its way back to this side of the pond. The final shows were in Nova Scotia, Maine and New York City.

It was finally the weekend of the long-awaited Manhattan show. Justin had purchased plane tickets for Bea and me to fly to New York. We would then immediately check into a hotel near the concert venue. Since the band’s travel time back from Maine Saturday afternoon would be cutting it close to show time, we wouldn’t have a chance to see Justin until after his performance that night.

Bea was great on the quick commuter flight from Providence to La Guardia. I’d packed one small carry-on for both of us and a polka dot umbrella stroller.

When we landed, Justin’s manager, Steve, was nice enough to pick us up from the airport and drive us to the hotel. We had to pass through Times Square. Bea looked around in awe as she took in all of the flashing primary colors and commotion. It was definitely sensory overload, probably for both of us. I’d been homebound on the island for so long, I’d almost forgotten what city life was like.

The hotel was right around the corner from the venue. After the show, the three of us would spend the night here and linger in the city tomorrow before heading back home to the island.

After we checked into our hotel room, I had the jitters. Seeing Justin perform always made me so emotional, but seeing him perform for the first time on a big stage would surely be overwhelmingly poignant.

I lay down next to Bea in the plush hotel bed, trying to get her to nap, since she’d be up way past her bedtime tonight. She managed to get an hour of sleeping in before we packed up and headed to the venue.

When we arrived to the concert hall, the line to get in was a mile long. Gazing at the illuminated sign gave me chills: Calvin Sprockett, featuring Justin Banks. We were able to pass through to the VIP line, and an usher escorted us to our seats that were in the center of the third row.

Bea looked so cute as she sat on top of my lap. Her noise reducing headphones were huge. She looked like a little martian in them. Thankfully, despite all of the crying she did for the first three months of her life, she’d turned into a mild-mannered baby, so I banked on her being able to sit through the whole performance without interruption.

When the lights dimmed, and the spotlight shined down onto him, my heart raced. The pitter-patter of excitement was all-consuming. Justin had told me that his view of the audience was always too dark to make out faces, but I could see him looking out into the vast crowd for a moment before the first song began. My body practically melted into my seat as I bowed down to the sheer power of his amplified voice. That very first note, the initial recognition of his deep, soulful sound was always so amazing.

Squeezing Bea tightly as we rocked back and forth, I listened to him sing song after song that I’d never heard before. I hadn’t realized that he performed only original songs on this tour and no covers. It made me feel like I’d missed so much in never having heard most of these songs. I’d close my eyes from time to time, enjoying the sound waves of his guitar strings vibrating through me as I deciphered all of the lyrics.

I sat there for that first forty minutes in awe of him: the way his fingers worked the instrument with speedy precision, the way his voice could change depending on the song, the way he could mesmerize hundreds of people with nothing but his smoky voice, a guitar and microphone.

Justin had mentioned that this opening act was only about forty-five minutes, so I knew we were nearing the end.

He spoke into the mic, “Tonight is special for several reasons, not only because this marks the end of our tour, but also because we’re here in my second favorite place in the world, New York. This was my home up until recently. My new home is on an island with the love of my life and my daughter. After tonight, I get to go home after a long time away from them. But the biggest reason tonight is special, is because my daughter is here. Bea, thank you for teaching me that sometimes the thing we fear more than anything, is really what our soul craves the most. This last song is one I finally finished. It took me a while because of how important it was to me, because I wrote it for her. It’s called, Bea-u-tiful Girl.”

I immediately recognized the opening melody as the same song programmed inside of the music box he had made.

Then, he started to sing, and I was a goner.

My soul was sick, but you were the cure.

Never before felt a love so pure.

That thing I once feared the most,

Now turns my heart to toast.

Bea-u-tiful Girl,

I didn’t make you, but you were made for me.

Bea-u-tiful Girl,

Thank you for helping me see,

The way life was meant to be.

With every one of your cries,

A part of my heart dies.

But you’ll smile at me and then,

Put it back together again.

Bea-u-tiful Girl,

I didn’t make you, but you were made for me.

Bea-u-tiful Girl,

Thank you for helping me see,

The way life was meant to be.

An angel in disguise,

Is reflected in the eyes,

Of a little Bumblebee.

Thank you for choosing me.

Bea-u-tiful Girl,

I didn’t make you, but you were made for me.

Bea-u-tiful Girl,

Thank you for helping me see,

The way life was meant to be.

When the song finished, Justin received a standing ovation. My eyes were stinging from tears of joy. His writing that song for her touched me on so many levels. I wished so much that she could understand the words.

Justin disappeared from sight as they shut down the stage for a bit to set up for Calvin. My badge was supposed to give me backstage access, but we hadn’t discussed logistics. I wasn’t sure if I should try to go back there now, or wait for a text from him, maybe watch some of Calvin’s performance.

Anxious to see him and tell him how much I loved the song, I lifted myself and Bea out of the seat and made my way down the long center aisle to the entrance. An usher directed us to the backstage entrance. A large security guard greeted me there.

“Do you have a badge?”

Flashing it, I said, “Yes. I’m Justin Banks’ girlfriend, and this is his daughter.”

He examined the badge again more closely and stepped aside, gesturing behind him. “Right this way. He’s in dressing room four.”

The door was cracked open, and it shocked me to find that Justin wasn’t alone. I immediately moved to the side so that I could avoid being seen while I listened to their conversation.

“I hope you don’t mind my coming here,” she said. “When I heard you were playing in town, I just had to see you. I contacted Steve, and he gave me a backstage pass.”

“Of course, I don’t mind. It’s really good to see you, Jade.”

Even though a little bit of jealousy was creeping in, it wasn’t anything like what it used to be. My confidence in his feelings toward me now overrode that insecurity. Still, it was always going to be uncomfortable for me to think about Justin and Jade, given all of my memories of them together.

“I just need to talk to you, Justin. Steve told me you were with Amelia now, and I just…to be honest, I’m shocked. And then the song you sang…”

“I’m sorry, Jade. I should’ve been the one to tell you the news. I didn’t want to hurt you any more than I already had.”

“So, apparently…you did want children. Just not mine?”

“I didn’t expect to fall in love with that baby girl.”

“But you did see falling in love with her mother coming a mile away. When we lived together, you made it seem like you hated her. It wasn’t hate at all, was it? I should have known. No one acts like that toward someone unless they care too much.”

“There was no way you could have known, because I kept it inside. It was complicated then. During those early days, I fought my feelings for her. I really did. I wanted things to work between you and me. I didn’t think I’d end up with Amelia. But yes, the animosity toward her was a result of other deep-rooted feelings I couldn’t control. It was very complicated.”

There was a bit of awkward silence before I heard her ask, “Were you with her at any point when we were together?”

“No. Nothing happened until after we broke up. I didn’t want to hurt you, but apparently, I managed to anyway. For that, I’m so sorry. You’re a beautiful person, inside and out. I will always look back happily at our time together. I hope you find someone who deserves you.”

When I heard Jade start to cry, it made me uncomfortable, so I decided to leave and give them privacy to finish their conversation. My heart really did break for her, and I suppose the last person she wanted to see standing there when she left his dressing room was me.

Returning to the lobby, I texted him to let us know when we should come backstage. They were kindly holding Bea’s stroller for me behind the ticket counter, so I retrieved it while we were waiting. From my corner spot, I saw Jade running across the lobby and out of the revolving doors.

Almost immediately after, my phone chimed with a text from Justin.

Come backstage.

He didn’t notice us at first. His back was facing us. I took a moment to admire his round, muscular ass. When Bea squealed in excitement, he turned around.

I took her out of the stroller and held onto her hands while she walked with wobbly legs toward him.

He knelt down to receive her with open arms. “Bumblebee! Oh my God, you’re walking.” He looked amused to see her in her noise reducing headphones. I’d neglected to take them off. “Those things are bigger than your head!” He planted a messy kiss on her cheek before standing up to kiss me. I could tell from the desperate moan he let into my mouth that he was super horny. It made me a little wet thinking about what might happen later tonight after Bea fell asleep. I’d ordered a crib to be sent up to our room so that Justin and I could have the bed. I hoped it worked out.

“You were so amazing. That song—”

“You liked it?”

“I loved it.” Examining his face, I asked, “Are you okay?”

“Jade was here. She saw the show, heard the song. Steve gave her a pass, and she caught me in here, confronted me about us.” It pleased me that he felt the need to be honest with me.

“I know.”

“You know?”

“Yeah. We were outside the door. I heard a little of the conversation, but then I left to give you some privacy.”

“Wow.”

“You don’t need to explain anything. It is what it is. And I understand what she’s going through. I know what it’s like to love you and lose you. I’m just so thankful that I have you now.” I hesitated. There was so much I needed to tell him. Proud could not describe how seeing him perform tonight had made me feel. “Now that I’ve seen you on the big stage, it solidified more than ever how much you were meant to do this with your life. Not only are you so extremely talented, but people are naturally drawn to you. I don’t ever want you to give up on this because you feel guilty. You’ll never have to choose. We’ll always be here for you.”

He lifted Bea up and planted another kiss on my lips. “You’re amazing for saying that, because I know how hard my being away has been. I used to think it was the fame that I wanted, but this experience has taught me that—for me—it’s about the music. I don’t think I really want the rest of it long-term. I would never trade this experience, and if an opportunity falls at my feet, I’ll consider it. But being away from my family week after week is not okay. It’s not what I want.” He paused then cupped my face in his hands. “There is no music without you. Music is an expression of all of those things you live for…a reflection of the passion within your soul. I live for you. You’re my passion. You’re my music…you and Bea.”

“I love you so much.”

He grabbed his jacket. “Let’s get out of here.”

“What? No wild after party? What kind of rockstar are you?”

“What do you mean? I’m wild.” He winked. “I’m taking two girls back to my hotel room.”