Proof (Targes Executive Protection Book 1)

He let me go.

A part of me still couldn’t believe it. Even though it was exactly what I’d asked him to do, I still couldn’t believe it. I also couldn’t believe how badly it hurt. Something inside of me was being ripped apart piece by piece and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

It had taken Boone several hours to come and get me after I’d called him with the satellite phone. I’d fully expected a confrontation with Cass when Boone had pulled up in his car, but there’d been no sign of him.

He’d vowed to never let me go and yet he hadn’t been there when I’d left. Selfish prick that I was, I’d wanted him to try one more time to ask me to stay because I’d known that I wouldn’t have been able to deny him. I would have spent the rest of my days trying to be the JJ he’d so fiercely cared for prior to the shooting.

I would have failed. I knew that and still, I’d been willing to put Cass through even more pain just so I could have him for a little longer. Had I always been someone who’d only ever been concerned with his own life and had overlooked everyone else’s? If so, why hadn’t anyone ever called me out on it?

God, that bullet really had fucked up my brain. Or maybe I’d been fucked up in the head before the shooting. I didn’t know anymore.

I didn’t know anything anymore. It was like every time I tried to make a decision about something, a wall went up inside my brain and I couldn’t see over it.

Even now, long after Boone had dropped me off, I was desperately trying to pretend that I was okay.

I was so far past okay that I couldn’t even see the line I’d have to cross just to be semi-normal. My entire body hurt. I felt heavy and light at the same time. My chest was so tight that every breath was painful. I wanted to throw up whatever was causing all the knotting and cramping in my stomach, but I’d already done that, and it hadn’t changed anything. Tears burned my eyes but refused to fall.

Two days earlier when I’d felt like this, I’d hightailed it to Tank’s. The emotions that had sent me there were a drop in the bucket compared to the pain currently locked inside of me.

I hadn’t even considered going to Tank’s after Boone had picked me up. The idea of letting some man touch me, let alone fuck me, made bile crawl up my throat.

I’d been sitting in the same motel room on the edge of the bed’s sagging mattress for most of the night and well into the morning hours. The fire that had been simmering beneath the scar on my scalp had been burning ever since I’d told Cass he had to let me go.

When Boone had arrived at the cabin, I’d fully expected some kind of confrontation with Cass as I’d descended the stairs from the little bedroom where I’d had another first with him earlier that day. I hadn’t realized it until after I’d left the cabin, but Cass was the first man I’d slept in a bed with. He was the first man whose arms I’d ever woken up in.

There’d been no confrontation. There’d been no Cass. When I’d reached the front door, the key that was necessary to turn the bolt had already been inserted into the lock.

Cass’s message couldn’t have been any clearer than that. Still, as I’d walked to Boone’s idling car, I’d intentionally dragged my feet in the hopes of hearing my name being called or a strong hand grabbing me from behind to stop me.

The only thing behind me had been a lifeless cabin.

I’d known from the moment Cass had desperately kissed me for the last time that I’d made yet another mistake. There were a lot of amazing actors in LA, but none could have rivaled his pain in that moment. That kind of agony couldn’t be faked. All the shit I’d said in the heat of the moment about Cass manipulating me for his own gain had been bullshit. He may have manipulated me in some ways, but none of them had been for his personal gain. Him wanting to find the proof of his innocence wasn’t something he’d wanted for himself; he’d wanted it for us.

I’d thrown that and more back in his face.

Missing Cass wasn’t the only thing that had me standing on the precipice of losing myself to the depths of my mind forever. The knowledge that Cass had needed me two years ago when he’d learned I was alive was like acid being dripped onto all the parts of me that were already raw and exposed. Maybe I couldn’t have gone to him right away, but I should have been fighting to free him from the moment Sully had told me that he had been arrested and convicted for the triple homicide and my own shooting. I might not have been able to remember that night or the weeks and months before his return from the military, but I should have instinctively known that Cass would never have hurt me, much less killed three innocent people.

Instead, I’d crushed my trust of Cass between my fingers until it had all bled out and there’d been nothing left to hold on to. Doing that had given me the freedom to create a new world for myself. It had given me the much-needed reprieve from all the nagging questions that had been swimming around in my brain.

Karma had finally found me and made me her bitch. There would be no outrunning her this time.

All I had now was a different set of questions that kept playing on a loop in my mind as I heard Cass’s screams in the background. When he’d been tossed into prison, had he mentally been screaming out to me to come and save him? Had there been actual screams for me when he’d been abandoned in solitary? Had he screamed for my brother or his own grandmother?

I knew in my gut that the internal scars Cass had mockingly described during my “interrogation” of him at the cabin had been a thousand times worse than he’d let on.

Cass had said he’d been given an hour outside every day, but I hadn’t believed him then and I didn’t believe it now. He had been convicted of shooting both a federal agent and a cop. The more sadistic prison guards who liked the power they wielded over their prisoners would have tortured Cass using the veil of vengeance for their brothers in blue as an excuse. They wouldn’t have even needed to touch him to do it.

How often had they left him without food, or even the presence of another human being? Had he even seen the sun after he was put in solitary? Even if he had been occasionally allowed to wander the prison yard by himself, would it have been enough for him to track the number of days that had come and gone? He’d asked me if I had any idea what it felt like to live without knowing what time it was. I might have lost time myself, but it wasn’t nearly the same thing. How many people took for granted something as simple as being able to check the time of day?

I dropped my head and pressed the heels of my palms into my eye sockets as the pain behind my right eye grew.

As angry as I was with Sully, I needed him.

In truth, I needed Cass more. Cass knew how to help me. He knew how to make the pain go away. I hadn’t even told Sully about my condition yet.

Since I doubted Boone had simply left after dropping me off at the nondescript motel, it would be easy enough to signal him to see if he had any pain medication or could get me some, but I didn’t want to move. I deserved the pain. I’d earned it.

A familiar sound broke through the sensation of someone cutting my head open with a chain saw. Brakes squealed as the rumble of my brother’s truck announced his arrival. I’d propped the door open as soon as I’d entered the room because I’d known that a locked door would do nothing to stop my brother from getting in. If anything, he would’ve broken the thing down.

Even though I knew it was Sully entering the room, I still couldn’t stop myself from whispering, “Cass?”

“He’s not with me, little brother,” Sully quietly responded. I wasn’t sure I’d ever heard him speak so softly. I kept my eyes closed because if I opened them now, the light, as dim as it was, would blind me and send me to the floor.

I heard the curtains being drawn closed and then heavy steps were passing in front of me. If I’d been able to, I would have warned Sully about the vomit pooled in front of my feet.

The already sagging mattress dipped even more as Sully lowered himself to sit next to me. I could picture exactly how he looked.

I couldn’t remember my mother, but I’d seen pictures of her. She’d been short and thin. My father had been taller than his wife, but he’d been just as skinny. My father had often said I looked just like my mother, but he’d never said that to Sully. My brother had ended up being a foot taller than my father and instead of having a lean, rangy body, he was stockier and much more muscular than both me and my father combined. Sully had also always looked grim, even during brighter moments of our lives, so I figured that was how he looked now.

“Here,” Sully said before he eased my left hand down so he could put a couple of pills in my palm. It seemed to take forever just to get them into my mouth. As soon as I did, a bottle of water was placed between my fingers. I swallowed the pills. The water felt good as it flowed down my throat but as soon as it hit my stomach, I knew there was a good chance it would come right up again.

“He told you,” I murmured as I dropped my head so I could rest my elbows on my knees. Since Sully had closed the curtains and had the pain medication ready, I pretty much knew Cass had given up my secret. I didn’t care. I was grateful.

My brother briefly rubbed the back of my neck. “Yeah,” he responded, his voice still low and quiet.

I waited for Sully to scold me for not having told him myself about the physical issues I’d been dealing with, but all he did was intermittently rub his hand over my back. I felt bad because I knew how awkward it was for him when it came to showing any kind of emotion, especially through physical contact, but I didn’t want him to stop because it helped take my mind off the pain.

I had no idea how much time passed as we both sat without speaking, but I welcomed the silence. The pounding in my head had lessened enough that I could do what Cass had taught me the first time he’d had to deal with one of my episodes. He’d told me to focus on things around me using my other senses before opening my eyes.

Not surprisingly, the technique once again worked. When I finally got my grainy eyes open, I saw that the room was pitched in darkness with only a small glimmer of light coming through the curtains.

Sully handed me the water again. I took a few more sips of it and then handed it back. I couldn’t stop myself from glancing at the room’s door to see if it was open or not.

It wasn’t.

“Where is he?” I asked.

“Gone,” Sully said. “I don’t know where. When Boone told me he’d picked you up, I called the satellite phone. Cass didn’t answer. I drove up to the cabin anyway. He wasn’t there. Neither was his gun. He left the files behind, though.”

Gone.

Cass was gone.

Just like you wanted.

I could practically see the smile that went along with the insidious voice in my head that had always beat out my gut when it came to making choices. It had prodded me on whenever I’d felt the urge to go to Tank’s. It had said uglier things to me than any of the guys who’d fucked me ever had. It had laughed victoriously whenever some guy had been pounding into me. The rougher the fuck, the louder the laugh. A shit ton of alcohol was the only thing that had ever silenced it.

Until Cass.

For the most part, the voice had left me in peace when I’d been with Cass.

“We were in a relationship, weren’t we? Cass and me?” I asked.

“Yes,” Sully responded. He handed me the bottle again and this time I kept it.

I straightened my body so I could look at the stream of light that entered through the window and cast its rays over my feet and the pool of puke between them. My attention was then drawn to the bottle of water in my hand. I hadn’t realized how badly I was shaking until I saw the water sloshing around inside the bottle.

“Did he love me?” I asked.

“I can’t answer that,” Sully returned.

“Did I love him?”

Sully shifted slightly. He let out a soft breath of air. “I don’t know that either, JJ. I do know that whatever was happening between you two was real. I could tell by the way you looked at each other.”

“How long? How long were we together?” I asked. Tears stung the backs of my eyes. Although I already knew that I’d been in a relationship with Cass prior to the shooting, it wasn’t enough. I wanted to know everything that was still just one big blank in my head.

“I’m not completely sure, but it wasn’t long. He stayed with us when he got home after being discharged. Within a couple of days, you were both conveniently gone around the same time every night. Cass always said he was going to hang out with friends. Your excuses were more elaborate and sometimes downright ridiculous. Between Cass not having friends besides you and me, and you being an incredibly bad liar, I knew pretty much right away. I think you had maybe three or four nights together before the night you were shot.”

“Four nights,” I said to myself. Would that have even been long enough to form a relationship as intense as the one Cass was remembering? He’d talked about the torment of watching me die and then not being told for two days that I’d survived.

“Long enough,” I murmured.

“What?” Sully asked gently.

“Four nights. It was long enough,” I responded. “Did you know he kissed me one of those nights?”

“Yeah, he told me.”

I probably should have asked my brother when Cass had told him, but those weren’t the words that came out. “It was my first kiss. Ever. Did he tell you that too?”

“No, JJ, he didn’t.”

I nodded. “Do you know what it’s like to not remember something like that?” I asked. Since it was a rhetorical question, I didn’t wait for Sully to respond. “How many people are lucky enough to have their first kiss be with the love of their life?”

“Not enough,” Sully returned. He didn’t seem surprised at my declaration of love.

That was one thing I didn’t have to remember in order to know it. I’d been in love with Cass for a long time, so I knew in my heart that I’d been one of those few lucky ones. But to not remember…

Hot tears began to slide down my face. I didn’t bother swiping them away. I’d been waiting for what seemed like a lifetime for them to finally fall.

“No one visited him, Sully. Not once after he was arrested. Not his family, not Dad, not you…”

“JJ,” my brother began on a long, deep, sad sigh. I could hear the guilt in his voice from just the way he said my name. My brother didn’t do guilt. He didn’t do emotion. He fixed. He solved. He protected.

“I know you don’t want or need to hear this right now, but it was the only way to keep you safe,” Sully began.

“Safe from what?” I asked. My voice sounded dull and lifeless. Why wasn’t I screaming at the top of my lungs? Why wasn’t I demanding straight, direct answers?

Because I was a coward, that was why. I didn’t want to know. Anything my brother said going forward would only place more light on how much Cass had suffered. I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to hear it.

Except I needed to hear it. I owed Cass that. I owed him so much more than that, but I could never take any of it back. I could never make it so he could be in a room with the door closed and not feel the need to see if it was locked from the outside.

“Safe from what?” I repeated firmly.

“Safe from the person who shot you,” Sully responded, clearly reluctant.

“I don’t understand,” I said. “Even if the suspect knew I was still alive, he had to know that I had no memory of that night. It was all over the news. If by some miracle I did eventually remember, the guy would be long gone by now. He accomplished what he needed to. He took out the witness⁠—”

“He shot you first, JJ,” my brother interjected.

I shook my head. The pain that had been receding began to flare to life again. “No,” I said. “That makes no sense. Why go after me first? I read through some of the files at the cabin. They all said I was a block away from the⁠—”

I stopped abruptly when my own words hit me. “The reports said he used a silencer, but I probably wouldn’t have heard the pops,” I murmured as the pieces began to fall into place. “If I had, I would have gone back to the apartment. It would have taken me a couple of minutes, so the guy would have had plenty of time to shoot everyone and flee the scene. I couldn’t have witnessed anything,” I said in disbelief.

“The witness, her daughter, and the federal agent were all shot execution style. You were shot from a distance. You and Cass were walking toward each other. The shooter was somewhere behind Cass, so if his goal was to take out all possible witnesses⁠—”

“Then why leave Cass alive?” I asked -myself. I lifted my eyes to look at my brother for the first time since he’d entered the motel room. He looked tired. Worn out. How long had he been that way and why hadn’t I noticed before?

Because you were a selfish, whiny little fuck.

The voice was right, of course, but I’d have to deal with that later.

“You think I was the target,” I said. “Oh my God,” I whispered as reality hit me. If Sully was right…

“No, no, no,” I called out as I climbed to my feet. My head spun crazily, throwing the rest of my body off balance. “No,” I repeated, even as a hand reached around my upper arm to steady me.

“JJ, I need you to listen to me,” Sully said, his voice firm. “It wasn’t your⁠—”

“Fault?” I asked incredulously. “It wasn’t my fault?” I said as loudly as my sore throat would let me. “That little girl, her mother, the agent⁠—”

“There was no way you could have known what would happen, JJ.”

My brother’s words had no effect on me whatsoever. They changed nothing. Three people were dead—an innocent little girl was dead—because of me. Because I’d done something to someone, or I’d seen something…

The water I’d taken a few sips of all came back up. My knees buckled and my body folded in on itself until I was crouched on the floor. Sobs of anguish, regret, and guilt consumed me even as my body continued to try and expel something that was no longer there. I heard my name being called, but I didn’t go to it. I didn’t want to.

I wanted to go back to the place I’d been for so long. The place I’d told Cass he should have left me in. The place where I was safe. The place where it was quiet. The place where I’d been able to live my life however I wanted.

I wanted to go back to the lie.