Proof (Targes Executive Protection Book 1)

I could see the shame JJ was experiencing because his skin was turning red. His breathing had ticked up too, and he’d dropped his head so he could try to blink back the tears he desperately didn’t want me to see.

“Let them fall, JJ,” I said quietly. “I sure as fuck did.”

After all the chaos of figuring out my next move after getting JJ away from Tank’s had died down and I’d once again been sitting by his bedside, I’d been tormented by images of him throwing himself away in that alley like he was just more garbage that belonged in the dumpster. I’d finally broken down and wept for JJ… for the loss of the man he’d been and the pain he’d been experiencing from the moment that bullet had torn through his brain.

After the tears had all fallen, I’d steeled myself to follow through on my plan so JJ could put the past to rest once and for all. Even if he never remembered that night, I knew he was smart enough to discover that I wasn’t the one who’d shot him. He also deserved the opportunity to come to his own conclusions because he’d never had a choice in determining what had really happened to him and why.

I was banking my life on him being as good a cop as I believed he was because I’d meant what I’d said about admitting to all of the crimes I was accused of if he found something that he felt was proof of what I’d supposedly done. I’d finally come to the decision to turn myself in if JJ found me guilty because I knew I would never truly be free unless he believed me. I’d never outrun my feelings for him. I had no life left to live if JJ remained convinced that I’d done what everyone else was so certain of. Living with that knowledge every day for the rest of my life would be a thousand times worse than spending my remaining days behind bars.

“Tell me about Tank’s,” I murmured. “Tell me about last night and all the other nights. Tell me what drove you to… to let those men⁠—”

“Use me?” JJ questioned. Whatever despair he’d been dealing with was gone, tucked away somewhere in his mind where he didn’t need to deal with it. He was angry.

Hard.

Unforgiving.

“Yes,” I responded as evenly as I could. I didn’t want to hear any of what he was going to tell me. The idea of any man, any person, hurting JJ in any way had already gouged a wound so deep inside of me that I knew it would never truly heal.

“You want all the details, Cass?” JJ asked as he straightened in his chair and took a sip from the coffee. His behavior answered my question. I was going to become one of those men. He was going to use me, albeit in a different way, to escape his true emotions. JJ was going to use every weapon in his arsenal to attempt to shock, disgust, and anger me so I would do what all those other men had done—use him and throw him away.

It wasn’t going to happen.

I didn’t answer him because anything I said was unimportant. The only way JJ would begin to recover from his own wounds was to start lancing them. It wouldn’t be something that could be tackled in a single conversation. I had no way of relating to what he’d gone through after the shooting, just like he’d never be able to understand what I’d experienced from the moment his body had crumpled to the wet asphalt and I’d literally felt his life’s blood draining out of him.

“Do you want to know how the guys fucked me? I mean, like the positions and stuff? Or if they were rough or not? Or did you want to know how many guys fucked me?” JJ asked coldly, his voice even. I was already losing him to wherever he went when he couldn’t deal with what was in front of him.

“Let’s see,” he continued mockingly as he pretended to think. “Well, when I no longer had to shit into a colostomy bag, I figured I’d show off my fresh and shiny asshole to anyone who wanted to see it.”

I kept my mouth shut because anything I said or asked would only feed into his rage.

“Took me a while to get my first come, first served ass out there, though, seeing as how I had to learn how to walk, talk, eat… well, let’s just say I was basically a tall, drooling, useless toddler because the bullet you put into my head took more than just my memory. You literally stole an entire year of my life, Cass. You took my dignity, my control⁠—”

“Your trust,” I interjected since that was the crux of the issue. He’d told me himself that I’d taken away his ability to trust anyone.

“Why did you trust me, JJ?” I asked. “Yeah, you knew me for the three years before I left to join the Marines, and we saw each other a few times after that when I was on leave or between deployments, but why put so much trust in me? We were grown men by the time I was done with my last tour. You had your own life… you were a respected cop who was going to climb the ranks in no time. You had a loving and supportive father and brother, so it makes sense that you trusted them with your life. But why me? Why trust me with your life? That’s what you did, right? I mean, you had to because I could only destroy your trust if you’d given it to me.”

My words knocked him out of his momentary escape from reality. I was treading a fine line between telling him the truth about our previous relationship and letting him remember it on his own.

“Is that one of the questions that torments you?” I asked. “Is it the only one that sends you to places like Tank’s or were there other reasons? Why is it so easy for you to trust that whatever guy is fucking you won’t take it too far and end up killing you, but you don’t trust those closest to you enough to confide in them that you aren’t okay? How many men fucked you without condoms? How many of them put you at risk day after day? Did you trust them?”

I paused briefly to let JJ respond but he didn’t. He kept his eyes on mine, but I could tell he was waging some kind of internal war. He needed to either really hear my words or mentally escape me, and neither side had won out yet.

“I didn’t see a condom on either of the guys who put you on your knees last night so they could fuck you from each end. The guys waiting for their turn had bare dicks, too. They wanted to be able to jerk themselves off as they watched the gangbang play out. Some were probably waiting for their turn, some were probably smart enough not to fuck a guy who could be carrying only God knows what, so they just watched and planned to jerk themselves off while you were taking it from both ends. Maybe the ones waiting in line had condoms in their pockets, maybe they didn’t. I undressed you last night. Not a condom in sight. No lube, either. Most guys probably just spit on their dicks before they shoved them inside you, right?”

I knew I was letting my anger get the better of me, but I couldn’t stop. The image of JJ in that alley had taken over every cell in my body.

“Lube makes it easier on the guy getting fucked but it doesn’t feel as good for the one doing the fucking. And shooting your load into a guy—well, there’s no better feeling, or so I’ve been told, anyway. I’ve never done it that way but since you’ve been bottoming for a while, you can tell me if it feels good to have a stranger’s spunk dripping from your asshole. Actually, with all the loads you’ve taken at one time, I bet it made you come over and over, didn’t it? Or did you not feel anything at all? I guess I’m just confused,” I continued. “You literally put your life at risk with every guy who fucked you and yet you never kissed⁠—”

“Enough!” JJ snapped. He was seething with fury. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he launched himself over the table and pummeled me until I wouldn’t be able to say another word.

“You wanted to know why I was there last night, right?” he spat. “So let’s go back to that. Let’s see, last night…” JJ paused as he pretended to try and remember the events from the previous day. “Well, I guess when this fucker I knew decided it would be fun to play mind games with me, I needed a break from having to think about how badly I wanted to beat the shit out of said fucker.”

“I don’t think that’s what you wanted to do to the fucker,” I said. “I think you were so humiliated and ashamed that you’d let that particular fucker kiss you that you needed to find a different fucker to give you what you wanted. Escape. Peace. How many guys does it take to get those things and how long do those feelings last? Till the next night? Or maybe just for as long as it takes for the train of men to finish with you? Are there enough men on the planet to take your pain away for good, JJ?”

“I don’t know. Am I the only guy you can’t let get away? Am I the only one who makes it easier to forget what it was like being locked in a tiny prison cell with no way out? No way to move freely, make choices for yourself, maintain some shred of dignity in a world designed to take that from you? How many guys’ heads do you need to toy with to find your escape? Your peace?”

“None,” I responded easily. “No man, no person, can give me that. I have to make peace with myself. I have to find a way to stop needing to escape. Believe me, if I could have just left this place and never looked back, I would have done it the second I walked through the first door that turned me from a convict to a free man. There’s no outrunning the shit we’ve both been through. And yes, I know, I deserve all that shit because I brought it on myself,” I said, making sure to say the last line with a heavy dose of sarcasm.

“I didn’t say that,” JJ retorted. Now he was the one catching me off guard.

He tipped his head for a moment. “Okay, maybe I have said it, but I guess…”

I held my breath as I waited for him to say he hadn’t meant it, but the words didn’t come.

“I need to call my brother. He’s probably already losing his shit because I haven’t come home or called in,” JJ said, crossing his arms in quiet defiance.

“Who do you think drove us up here and took my car back home?” I asked as I prepared myself for the impending blow-up.

“You’re lying,” JJ said quietly. He shook his head but kept his eyes on mine. “He would never do that. He hates you as much as I do, maybe more.”

“Fine,” I said. “Believe what you want. I’ll leave that part of the conversation between you and your brother when he comes to get us.”

JJ snorted. “Sure, he’s going to come and get us. Is he bringing Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny with him?”

I sighed. God, I’d forgotten how stubborn the real JJ was. I’d loved and hated the quality at the same time. Despite his kind, sweet nature, he’d never backed down from any challenge. He was loyal to a fault until you did something to betray that loyalty. He protected the people he loved. It was one of the traits that had made him such a great cop.

Did make him a great cop.

JJ might not have been able to return to his former job, but just like the Marines were a part of my blood, the same was true for him. I’d seen proof of that when he’d risked his life to save Jenna and the teenager who’d unwittingly put himself in the line of fire. Despite his hatred of me, he hadn’t let me take the fall for shooting the gunman even though his former colleagues had been itching to take me into custody for any reason.

I was betting my life on my belief that his cop side would overcome his bitter, angry, and distrusting side.

“Sully took my Mustang and your gun and phone with him when he left. My phone and gun are in a very sturdy wall safe in the living room. No one knows we’re here besides your brother, so we should be safe from any outside threats. If you decide to stab me with a pointy object while I’m sleeping or you somehow manage to beat me to death with your bare hands, then stay put in the cabin and Sully will eventually come get you. There’s plenty of food in the fridge and pantry, there’s a grill outside that door, and the closest highway is a four-mile hike through less-than-ideal conditions. By the time we’re done here, you’ll either figure out the code to the safe because it’s a number you’ll find in the files or you’ll have made your judgment as to whether I’m guilty or not,” I said.

“If I manage to beat you to death?” JJ drawled.

I smiled because it didn’t surprise me in the least that those were the words he took issue with. That was my JJ talking.

I shrugged and pretended to read the file in front of me.

“When does all this bullshit start?” he asked.

“Whenever you’re up to it, sweetheart,” I responded. I raised my eyes and slowly raked them over the parts of his body I could see. Based on his response to me in the motel room, I knew that he didn’t stand a chance of resisting me sexually since he was as attracted to me as I was to him. The challenge was for me to keep my hands off him. Not an easy feat considering our forced proximity for the next several days.

“I’m ready now,” he declared. He still had his arms crossed but I could see the lust in his eyes. If he held out his hands, they’d probably be shaking as hard as mine were. I couldn’t help but wonder if the small table we were sitting at would hold our combined weight if it came to that.

“Go for it,” I dared as I motioned to the files.

“Not yet,” JJ said as he glanced at the assortment of files and documents. “Questions first.”

I leaned back in my chair and crossed my own arms. “Do you want to swear me in?” I asked. “I didn’t think to bring a Bible.”

“Not necessary,” he said simply.

His next words blew my attempt at sarcastic humor out of the water.

“How was prison, Cass?”