novelxo Chapter 19 - the Defeat
I stared at Aricor. “You’re wrong,” I mumbled, but doubt sunk its venomous teeth into my soul.
I hadn’t been wielding my targets, had I?! I thought back to all the animals I had caught. Most of them had been moving — and I had hit each one as they had darted through the forest. I took pride in my aim — just like my father had. Had I been cheating all along? Had I pinned those poor animals in place as I took their life, leaving them with no chance of making it out alive? No chance to outrun my arrow as it came for them? My insides turned leaden, and I had to sit down on the edge of the fountain to collect myself.
“I couldn’t have,” I uttered, more to myself that to Aricor, “I didn’t even know I could wield before I came here. I wouldn’t have know how to do it, even if I had wanted to.”
Aricor sat down beside me. “Thoridor told me you were a healer — you’d been healing your brother, or keeping him from getting sicker, at least. You did that through blood wielding too, didn’t you? Even unknowingly, you’ve been wielding all your life. What makes you think this is any different?”
I swallowed the bile that had been rising up my oesophagus. “I thought I was playing fair,” I said, my voice cracking as I spoke, “I would never kill an animal that had no chance of escaping — that’s cruel, and wrong. Please tell me I haven’t been doing that— please…” A sob escaped my lips, and I buried my face in my palms.
Aricor wrapped his arm around my shoulders. “You didn’t know,” he said softly, “that makes you innocent in my eyes. Don’t feel bad.”
I lifted my head to look at him. His dark eyes were so kind, I couldn’t stand to look at him. I didn’t deserve his kindness. I had been awful — a despicable human, controlling my prey, taking away their free will.
I shook my head to clear it of its dark thoughts. “Can we skip the blood wielding today?” I asked Aricor.
He nodded, and squeezed my knee. “Don’t be too hard on yourself,” he said warmly, “you are still a good person. Like you said, you’ve only ever hunted out of necessity.”
I nodded, and wiped my eyes. “Let’s go train,” I said, and got up.
Aricor and I trained until I could barely even walk anymore. We each had two more Ulonmelo’s as a snack, and then Aricor took me inside to have an ice bath. The bath was in what seemed to be a common bathhouse inside the palace. There were all kinds of Ardanians crowding the place, and I tried my hardest not to gawk at their bodily adaptions and the traces their beast forms had left on them.
After the ice bath, Aricor and I settled down into one of the hot baths, and talked. He told me about his life, and I just sat and listened. I learned Aricor was older than Thoridor, and he technically wasn’t Thoridor’s Master of Arms, but King Darianth’s. His home was in Aerial Ardanis, but he hadn’t been there in a long time, since King Darianth was a Terrestrial Ardanian.
“Don’t you miss your home?” I asked him, mindlessly tapping the surface of the water to make it ripple into circles.
Aricor shook his head. “My house is in Aerial Ardanis,” he clarified, “my home is a female, and she’s right here with me.”
I whipped my head around in shock.
“Not you, Eloweth!” Aricor said with a horrified look on his face, “no offense, you’re great, but not everyone is in love with you, you grandmaster of self-admiration.”
I dropped my jaw and punched him in the shoulder, hurting only myself in the process.
“I have a mate,” Aricor clarified, “she’s here, working in the palace. She’s a seamstress.”
“Please tell me about her,” I said, perking up. I had heard a lot about the mating bond, but hadn’t met anyone who seemed to like their mate before.
“Her name is Ilowyn, and she’s incredible,” Aricor said, staring into space as if he was picturing her standing in front of him.
“She’s the most beautiful female I have ever seen. She’s kind too, and soft-spoken. Never raises her voice. She’s a very skilled seamstress. I could go on and on, but you get the point.”
“Any younglings?” I asked, trying to picture Aricor as a father.
“Unfortunately not,” Aricor replied, “I might be barren. I’ve taken some hits in my nether regions during battles. They may have left their mark.”
I flinched. “I’m sorry,” I said, “I’m sure you would have made a great father.”
Aricor smiled joylessly. “Maybe,” he said, and gracefully lifted himself out of the bath. “Time for lunch,” he announced, and left the bathhouse without another word.
After lunch, Aricor had to go back to work, and since Phaedra en Warrian were with Morai, I was all alone. I decided to walk to the library and do some more research on the black blood in my pendant. I didn’t even notice how long I had been there until Warrian came to get me for dinner.
“How was your day?” he asked me as we walked through the palace halls.
“Eh,” I stammered, looking for a way to describe my morning, “pretty draining, actually. I learned that I’ve likely blood wielded all animals I’ve ever hunted, pinning them down, or at the very least using my ability to wield their blood in my favor during hunting.”
“Sublime,” Warrian mumbled, “that must be so exciting to learn!”
I shook my head, and rubbed the back of my forearm uncomfortably. “Quite the contrary, actually,” I explained, “that means I’ve been playing unfairly all along. And it also means I’m not a good archer. I couldn’t even hit one of the moving targets Aricor provided today.”
Warrian smiled at me. “You’re still a good archer if you made the shots in the end. Who cares if you wielded in the process? That was still you. Some people hunt by setting traps, right? Try to look at it that way — you just caught them in your trap.”
I looked at my feet. “I guess,” I mumbled.
He was probably right — I had still caught the animals myself. And I hadn’t used traps, I had only just slowed the targets down slightly, perhaps. My stomach turned to knots. But if that were true, why did I still feel so bad?
We stepped into the dining room, and my eyes immediately found Thoridor’s. He promptly sprung to his feet.
“What’s wrong?” he spoke into my mind, and I could hear the genuine concern in his voice.
“I’m fine,” I replied, trying to sound casual.
Thoridor slowly sat back down, but kept his eyes fixated on me. “Walk with me after dinner,” he said, leaving no room for protest. But honestly, I didn’t even want to protest. Maybe a walk with him was exactly what I needed.