My Brother's Keeper

“What were you thinking?” Karen roars.

When I came out of the blackness, I was standing in my front yard, holding the cold pack with two butterfly stitches on my lip. Karen had found me and, thinking I was in some catatonic state, had called the police.

I’m not sure what she thought I had done, but once the police got me inside, the truth of what unfolded after school poured out. By the time they left, Karen was holding Pax’s phone, scrolling through the thread of comments and pictures.

“Donald, it’s time to discuss getting her in a home for girls like her. I know you love her and want this to work, but she’s put Pax in danger.” Karen tosses the phone on the table.

I’m convinced she has forgotten I’m in the room. When I look at her, the color drains from her face.

“I didn’t mean—” she apologizes.

“No, it’s fine. I’m going to pack.” I stand up and leave the room.

I know Karen’s right. I had put Pax in danger. I’m not her daughter, and my dad hardly knows me. Their home isn’t mine, and I’m better off at Eider, where they can take care of me and my crazy episodes. My father tried, but I failed him.

I grab the suitcase from the closet and pack the few items I own. When the hospital released me to my father, I had a grocery bag with toiletries and clothes on my back. I wouldn’t be leaving with much more than what I arrived with.

I make my way down the hallway and into the bathroom near Pax’s room. I can hear them arguing, so I stop to listen out of habit.

“You think sending her away is going to help me?” I hear Pax shriek from the floor below.

“It’s for the best,” Karen replies.

“For whom? You or her?” He is angry, and I press my back against the wall to hear their conversation better.

“It’s not up for discussion.”

A few cabinets slam shut, and I hear Karen’s heels pacing across the linoleum floor.

“Dad, are you going to let her throw Odette out? What did she do that was wrong?”

There is silence from my dad. I’m sure he’s tired of being pushed, and my trying to take care of my brother’s bully problem was the last straw. He will not do it because he wants to.

“She tried to kill a boy!” Karen screeches.

“You only hear what you want to hear. If you send Odette away, I’m going with her.”

My heart lurches into my throat.

“What do you want me to do, Pax? Look the other way?” his mom demands.

My father is still silent. I wonder if he’s even in the room.

“Yes! That is exactly what you do. Preston and his gang of roid heads would have gotten their wish.” Pax’s voice is shaking.

The house, after that, grows uncomfortably silent. My brother has admitted to his mom and dad what he was doing the night before. I can’t, but I wish I could see their faces when they realize I’m not the only one with inner demons.

The house is silent for twenty minutes before my father comes up the stairs to find me sitting on the floor outside the bathroom.

“You ready?” he asks, leaning down.

“Yeah, let me get my bag.” I push myself to my feet and begin the walk to my room. I can always buy toiletries from the nurses.

“You don’t need a bag. Let’s get some froyo.” He plants a half-smile on his face and holds out his hand.

The Coscoroba Froyo Shop in Graylag Shopping Center is the only place to get frozen yogurt in the city. The walls are purple and white tiles, and the floor is purple-painted concrete. There are cracks along the walls, and if the wind blows right outside, the whole place smells like sewage. However, that doesn’t stop hordes of late-night customers from coming in.

My father had chosen chocolate with sprinkles, and I chose strawberry cheesecake with gummy bears. This is the first place we went to after he picked me up from Eider. I had never had frozen yogurt before, and I remember it tasted so good I devoured two full cups before experiencing my first intense brain freeze.

“What do you remember about your mother?” my father asks as we take a seat.

“Not much,” I reply with a sigh. My froyo is no longer appetizing.

“Anything?” He takes a bite and looks at me while I try to remember something.

“I remember waking up to find her dead, but I remember nothing else.” I pick at the froyo and wish we could eat in silence.

“The memories will return. It’s like the therapist said: You’re repressing your memories. You spent so many years surrounded by violence and are lucky to be alive.” He reaches out and places his hand over mine.

“If this is about Pax—” I say, but he shuts me down.

“No, this is about us. I feel I did the right thing pulling you out of that hospital. You are a wonderful sister and an amazing daughter.” He squeezes my hand and tries to force my eyes to meet his. “What was going on in your head today?”

“I knew Preston was the ringleader. He always is, no matter who is being bullied.” I take a deep breath. I must maintain eye contact. I owe an explanation to my father since Karen isn’t too keen on hearing it from me.

“You thought you could scare him a little, and he would leave Pax alone?”

I nod my head, and a small smile spreads across his face.

“If anything happened to Pax, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.” My bottom lip quivers. “The only reason he’s doing this is because of me.”

The smile fades quickly, and his concerned dad face takes over.

“You listen to me. It is not your fault. Pax is a smart kid, he keeps to himself, and guys like Preston see guys like your brother as easy targets. You saved your brother last night, which shows me so much growth. What you have with Pax shows you are capable of compassion.” Dad puts down his spoon and grabs my hands in his.

“Are you sending me back?” I whisper.

“Oh god, no! I wouldn’t let Karen send you there if it were the last place on earth.”

“Then why did she say it?” I ask.

My dad makes a grunting sound and leans back in his seat. I know his marriage with Karen had been on the rocks since the first weeks of my arrival.

“Karen doesn’t know how to handle children,” he replies through gritted teeth.

I pick at the froyo again as my father tries to put his explanation into words.

“When I met your mother, I was a teenage boy with one thing on my mind. Karen likes to hold that over my head.” He rolls his eyes and looks at the table.

“You didn’t know her when you were seventeen. How can she hold anything you did against you?” I know my assumption could have been wrong, but something told me the relationship between my father and Karen didn’t start when they were in high school.

He sucks in the air between his teeth and looks at me. I’m sure I hit a nerve.

“Do you think things would have been different if you had known about me?” I ask.

“What do you mean?” He raises an eyebrow. “Of course, it would have been different. I would have been there for you girls. I may have been young, but I wasn’t the kind of kid to walk away from my responsibility. I mean, look at Karen and me.”

“Girls?” I put my spoon down.

My father’s face pales. Is he finally about to reveal something from the file I found?

“You and your mother, you know what I mean.” He takes a deep breath. “Do you need a napkin?”

He stands up and leaves the table for a few moments. The file had said twin girls, both born at Eider Asylum. I may not have any memories, but oddly, I was born in the same place I was found.

Nice try, Odette. Next time, don’t be so observant. He may have said more.

When he returns, I let the subject drop. My sister would be dead if my mother had twins, and I’m the only survivor. It made sense that he would be afraid to tell me. I can’t remember my life before the murder. How could I never remember having a sister?

“I knew little about your mother. We were never in a relationship. I stumbled upon her by the lake one night after a party. She was pretty, and we talked about swans, of all things. Then one thing led to another, and I woke up on the bank the next morning, and she was gone. I was upset with myself because I never got her number. Then as time went on, I just forgot about her.” He pushes his empty cardboard bowl to the side.

“Why are you telling me all this?” I ask. I still have yet to taste the contents of my bowl.

“You will be eighteen in a few days, and some things will change.” He lets out a nervous laugh.

“Dad, if you’re trying to give me the sex talk, the nurses at Eider had it with me a few years back.” I push my food away, no longer wanting to eat the sweet treat.

“Well, that’s a relief, but no. I was going to say you may start remembering more. You may have questions. I can’t force you to go to therapy every week.” He looks at the table and taps his fingers. “I’m saying that everything you ever thought you knew is going to be questioned in a few days.”

“Did you question your life at eighteen?” I ask.

“The night I met your mother was the last I saw my family. I believe I have many questions.”

The room grows chilly. I never knew this about my father. Nobody left or came into Coscoroba, but my father hadn’t seen his family. Where were they?

“What do you mean?”

“Coscoroba, Eider, Graylag; it’s not as it seems.” He wants to tell me more, but a tall man in a doctor’s coat comes to the table and sits. “Hello, Julien.”

“Donald,” he says in a baritone voice.

“I was just telling Odette about how I met her mother.” My father’s face contorted a little, and he fidgets, then his left leg bounces. Our warm father-daughter moment morphs into this awkward moment between my father and the man who had joined us.

He looks familiar, as if I know him from the hazy years of my life. I may have stared a little too long, as the longer he sits there, the more uncomfortable he becomes.

“It’s unfortunate, the secrets of a one-night stand,” Julian mutters, looking at me. “She has a striking resemblance to Laura.”

Does everyone but me have a memory of my mother? The only memory I have of her is her death. I feel cheated.

“What can I do for you?” my father questions as I dive deeper into my memory banks.

“I wanted to apologize for my son’s behavior. You know how cruel children can be.” The man glances at me and smiles.

That smile triggers a memory of bright lights, humming music, and a sharp pinch in my arm. This man is from Eider. However, I’m unsure if he’s part of the medical staff or the patients. Intuition tells me he wasn’t there for treatment.

“Thank you, Julien.”

The awkwardness of the conversation leaves me with a strange feeling. It’s as if the shadow of the Grim Reaper is sitting in the room’s corner, aiming. The apology was hollow and emotionless. This man’s son was involved in my brother’s harassment.

Doctor Stuart, you dimwit, he was your doctor at Eider.

“Doctor Stuart? You’re Preston’s father,” I blurt out, and the color drains from his face.

“Yes, dear. I was your doctor while you were at Eider. My son is in the same grade as you.” The conversation feels forced, and I know he’s trying to be pleasant.

Wonder if he knows his son kicked your ass today.

“Maybe you can answer some questions. I have a hard time remembering my time in the hospital. I have flashes, but it’s like a huge blank spot between my mother’s death and the day my father signed me out. I remember key moments, but nothing would be tied to any therapy.” I know it’s a long shot.

“Of course,” he replies with a smile. “Call my secretary and make an appointment. We can discuss your treatments and therapies while in my office. Maybe it will trigger a memory or two.”

The man stands up, glares at my father, and walks away.

“We better get you home. It’s getting late, and you have school tomorrow.” My father’s voice is quivering. The conversation with Doctor Stuart had done something to his mood.

“You okay, Dad?” I ask with caution.

He watches the doctor as the man grabs his treats and leaves.

“Yeah,” he mutters, grabbing his keys from the table. “Let’s go.”