Mine for a Moment

I draw my legs up on my bed as I stare at the paintbrushes I hid away in my childhood bedroom, knowing full well that I can’t use them without upsetting my mom. It’s why I turn to street art every time I’m home for more than a week—because I can’t imagine not being able to paint at all. I didn’t think I’d ever get caught, but I did, and I’m not sure where that leaves me.

Painting is the only thing that’s ever truly allowed me to stop overthinking—it’s the closest thing to peace I’ve ever found. Without my brush or a spray can in my hand, I feel vulnerable, an unwilling participant in the real world and all its accompanying worries. I can’t stand the idea of having to give it up entirely, but if Archer had recognized me, I’d have been in a world of trouble. It would’ve been even worse had it been someone else—someone who would’ve had me arrested.

My phone rings for the fifth time this morning, a photo of Theo with his arm slung around me lighting up my phone, and the urge to paint skyrockets. I can’t avoid him much longer, but I don’t know how to be around him anymore. I can’t face him and pretend I don’t know what he’s keeping from me.

My thoughts have been a mess since I saw him kiss our mutual friend, Kristen, through the window of our favorite diner. I know he’s been trying to find a way to tell me about them, but I don’t want to hear it. Not yet. I’m not ready to let go of the idea of us. I thought that if I just waited long enough, he’d finally see that I could make him happy, that I could be the one. Not just his best friend but the person he shares the rest of his life with. I’m not ready to smile like it doesn’t hurt or wish them well when I don’t mean it as much as I should.

“Serenity?”

My head snaps up at the sound of Theo’s voice, and my heart skips a beat when he walks into my bedroom, pure concern written all over his face. My gaze lingers on his soft, light brown curls and those green eyes that have visited me in my dreams almost every night for years now. He smiles, and my stomach flutters.

“Hey,” I murmur, trying my hardest to force a smile. I should’ve known he’d come find me if I ignored his calls. It’s rare for us to go more than a handful of days without seeing each other, after all. When I told him I wanted to move back in with my parents during my job search following college, he moved back in with his parents too, just so I wouldn’t feel alone here. In hindsight, I wish he hadn’t. Maybe then he wouldn’t have fallen for Kristen.

Theo’s gaze roams over my face, as though to assess whether I’m okay. His eyes eventually settle on the phone on my bed, his expression hardening. I ignored his last call seven minutes ago, the exact amount of time it’d have taken him to get to me. “I couldn’t reach you,” he says as he sits down next to me, his shoulder brushing against mine. “I was so worried, Ser. Did you even realize internship emails have gone out?”

I look up at him and inhale sharply as I reach for my phone. I’d been so focused on Theo and Kristen that I’ve been avoiding my phone altogether, not wanting to see their texts, either in our group chat or individually.

“I came straight here when I got mine. Should we open them together?” he asks, his voice soft and sweet.

My heart wrenches painfully, and I let my eyes flutter closed briefly. This is exactly why I fell for him—because he always makes me feel so special. He made me feel like I was his person, the way he is mine.

I bite down on my lip as I unlock my phone, my stomach tightening. Until a few days ago, this internship ranked highest on my list of things I wanted to accomplish this year, and it hurts to have the shine of it dull the way it has. Theo and I were meant to move in together if we both got internship positions, and I was finally going to take a chance on us.

“What if I didn’t get in?” I ask, my voice soft, and it kills me to realize that a small part of me hopes that’s the case. Not getting in means not having to face Theo as often, and I hate that my dreams are tainted by my broken heart.

“Impossible,” Theo promises. “There isn’t a thing in this world that you can’t accomplish. This is nothing. Just a few moments from now, you’ll get to cross another accomplishment off your list. I just know it.”

He looks at me like he genuinely believes there’s nothing I can’t do, and I can’t help but wonder how I misread the signs as badly as I have. I was so certain that the way he looks at me meant he had feelings for me too, and I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact that I was wrong or the knowledge that I simply didn’t know him as well as I thought I did.

“Okay,” I whisper. “Let’s find out if we got in.”

He nods and reaches for his phone. “Ready?”

I take a deep breath, my stomach taut with nerves. “I’ll count us down.”

He grins, an indulgent look in his eyes. “You’re intent on delaying the inevitable for just a few more seconds, aren’t you?”

Inevitable. I’d hoped that’s what we were. “Fine, I’m starting my count down right now!” I tell him, earning myself a chuckle that normally would’ve made me smile back at him. “Three,” I murmur, opening my email app to find that there is, indeed, an email waiting for me.

“Two.”

“One.”

We both click on our emails, and almost instantly, we both begin to smile. I reach for him wordlessly, and he chuckles, his arms wrapping around me. “We did it,” he says, holding me so tightly that we fall backwards onto my bed. He just laughs and squeezes me a little harder.

“We did it,” I repeat, my nose pressed against his neck. His hugs never failed to lift my mood, but now they just fill me with guilt. The thought of him being with Kristen, and of her ever seeing us this way, makes me feel sick. I guess that’s part of why I’ve been avoiding both of them—because I knew things would change, and I wasn’t ready.

“I can’t wait to see your brother’s face when you tell him,” Theo says, pulling away to look at me, his eyes twinkling with pride. I smile as I imagine Ezra’s incredulous expression. He might very well be happier than I ever could be to hear that I’ll be interning at the company he founded with Archer. Ezra has never put any pressure on me, but he always made it clear that he’d love for me to work for Serenity Solutions someday.

“I bet you already have dozens of to-do lists for us,” Theo says, sitting up. His smile slips a fraction, and my stomach dips. “I’ve never met anyone who loves lists more than you do.”

I sit up too, my heart racing as I cross my legs, wishing we didn’t need to have this conversation. “It’s good to have some direction, and honestly, it just feels amazing to cross something off a list,” I tell him, my voice trembling. “Makes me feel accomplished. You’ll probably hate me when you see the long list of things we’ll need to do in the next couple of days, but you’ll thank me when it’s all done.”

He looks away, regret flashing through his eyes before he manages to hide it. He stares at me for a moment, his expression foreign. I’ve never seen him look at me like that. “Serenity,” he says, his tone hesitant. “I don’t think we’ll be able to move in together like we planned. There’s something I need to tell you.”