Light My Fire

I’m exhausted by Friday night.

My exams went well. I’m completely confident that I passed with flying colors and can move right on to clinicals with no issues.

Instead of being thrilled and pumped up over what’s to come, I’m obsessing about the past weekend and the three guys who turned my world upside down.

It’s only been eight days since they showed up at the cabin without warning, and yet it’s hard to remember what it felt like before that fateful arrival.

Everything is different to me now because what I was hoping would happen—a return to my normal, relatively boring life—hasn’t happened at all.

It wasn’t just lust or a sexual awakening that had me wrapped up in Wyatt, Jackson, and Luke.

It’s them.

I have feelings, jumbled, confusing, and complicated feelings, for all three of them, and I have no idea what to do about it.

“Cheers,” Sophie says, raising a giant margarita glass up in the air. “To the future Doctor Brooke Wilder.”

That makes me smile in spite of my general feelings of frustration and anxiety surrounding my complicated emotions. I raise my own margarita. “And to you, future Dr. Sophie Joplin.”

Sophie takes a giant sip of her drink. “Oh, damn, that’s good. I was so worried about my exams. I knew you were going to pass with flying colors, but it was a little dicey there for me. You know I get panicked when my whole career and future are on the line.”

“I knew you would pull through,” I tell her, truthfully. Sophie’s always worried about her performance, but then she always does amazing. It’s just her personality to really push herself.

The restaurant is hopping, with every table full, and servers racing back and forth with drinks and sizzling fajita platters. It’s a festive environment and I should feel on top of the world, but instead the chips are sitting in my stomach like a rock and I keep glancing at my phone sitting on the table.

Wyatt texted me earlier today.

Just a casual, “hope your finals went well, I believe in you.”

But it meant the world to me that he was thinking about me and wishing me well. I actually clasped my phone to my chest before answering him with a thank you.

Then Jackson texted me something similar, with a picture of the dogs and also expressing his belief I did well.

I didn’t expect to hear from Luke at all.

But his came right on the heels of Jackson’s.

I realized they were waiting for my finals to be over before reaching out.

Which was sweet and thoughtful and so them.

The relief I felt that they all respected my time this week and yet wanted to communicate with me was… so damn sweet. I had to go into the restroom at the university for a minute to collect myself before leaving for the weekend.

I think I could fall in love with all three of these very different men.

Is that even possible?

It certainly feels that way.

Yet I have no idea what to do about it.

Part of me wants to dive into dating each of them.

But… they’re all best friends.

Luke and Wyatt work together. Luke is essentially Wyatt’s boss.

If they’re not happy about me dating both of them, things could get very messy for them at work, and taking personal feelings into the job of a firefighter is downright dangerous. They need to have each other’s backs, for the sake of the community they serve in emergencies and for their own personal safety out on calls.

I don’t want to be responsible for any tension between them.

Jackson and Wyatt have been friends since high school. I wouldn’t want to come between them in any way, either.

“Why do you keep looking at your phone?” Sophie asks. “That’s like the fifth time. And you never have your phone on the table.”

I bite my lip. There’s no denying it. I’m not someone who is glued to my phone normally. Besides, she knows everything and I could use advice.

“I hadn’t heard from any of the guys all week, which was what I expected after the way we ended things.” I told her on Tuesday that we left it as just a sexy fun weekend and that we’d go our separate ways. “But then today I heard from all three of them. Just a basic checking in. They clearly didn’t want to interfere with my concentration this week.”

“But now they’re free to reach out.” Sophie dips a chip into the hot salsa. “Which you like.”

“I do.” I can’t deny it.

My phone buzzes and I jump. My heart starts to race. “It’s from Wyatt.”

“What does it say?”

My face feels hot as I read it. “I knew you would do well, even if your studying got interrupted.” I look up at Sophie. “He added a wink emoji after that. Then he says that he misses my beautiful face and he can’t stop thinking about me.”

“Nice. He’s the one who wants to date you, right?”

“Well, he did. According to his friends. I’m not sure how he feels now.”

“I’d say he just told you how he feels. The question is, how do you feel?”

“That’s the issue. I don’t know how I feel. I like them all.”

My phone buzzes again. I automatically look at it. It’s just my phone reminding me I haven’t opened the text. I shove a chip loaded with mild salsa into my mouth.

The phone goes off again. It’s from Jackson. It’s a picture of the puppies. I can see that without opening the text. Then another text pops up.

He added six dog emojis at the end, which is pretty adorable.

“You can open it,” Sophie says. “It’s okay, I don’t mind. I’m living vicariously through you right now since I’m big time single.”

“I’m single too,” I protest.

But I pick my phone up and open the text from Wyatt first and quickly respond.

I hit send before I change my mind.

Did I say enough? Too much?

I have no idea.

While I’m looking at the picture of Henley and the puppies, Wyatt texts again.

I swipe the text away, feeling flustered.

I respond to Jackson.

Then I get another text from Luke.

I need to know what he’s saying, so I open the text.

“Oh, boy,” Sophie says. “Girl, your face right now…”

“Let me just answer these really quick and then I’ll put my phone away.”

“Do you want my advice?”

“Yes. Desperately.” I put my phone down and eye Sophie. “Help. I have no idea what I’m doing.”

“Just let them know you’re out celebrating and you’ll be in touch later.”

That makes me blink. “That’s your advice?”

“Yes. You really are out celebrating. Besides, I think you spent all week hoping they would text you. Now they have. You’re caught off guard. Give yourself time to think about what you want to say to each of them.”

I nod. “That does seem smart.”

I text all three guys the same thing.

I add a smiley face emoji at the end.

Resolutely, I stick my phone into my bag and force myself to smile at Sophie. Determined to change the subject, I say, “I’m going to miss you once I move to Chicago.”

“Do the guys know you’re moving to their city?” she asks.

So much for redirecting the conversation. “No. I don’t think I mentioned it.”

I know I didn’t mention it. And I have no idea how to bring it up now.

Two hours later, I’m home, having walked the two blocks back to my apartment. I had two margaritas and was starting to feel the effects, so I drank two glasses of water before parting ways with Sophie. The last thing I want to do is drunk text Wyatt, Jackson, or Luke. Or all three.

It’s tempting to pull my phone back out and check my texts but I don’t want to get hit by a bus because my eyes are glued to my phone screen. Just because I’m suddenly head over heels for three men doesn’t mean I should be unsafe. Waiting until I’m in my apartment, door locked behind me, I kick off my shoes and dump my purse on the bench so I can dig my phone out. I don’t even strip my coat off before I’m swiping.

I have multiple messages from all three guys.

Wyatt has sent four texts.

That makes me sigh. This is hard. Too hard.

Wyatt is jealous because I mentioned a friend. If he feels this way over a total stranger, how would he feel if I dated Jackson? Or Luke?

Yet at the same time, it reminds me of how safe and cared for I felt with him. How gentle and understanding he was. Patient as he introduced me to sex. I could imagine myself waking up with Wyatt every morning, knowing I was loved. Feeling safe and secure and happy.

Jackson’s texts are playful, flirty. Like him.

Being with Jackson is like the ultimate escape from reality. It’s just laughter and orgasms. Which could be very, very addictive.

Luke’s next few texts have pulled back. His wall seems to be back in place.

Reserved, cautious.

But then his last text just about undoes me.

It’s just like him to not overtly flirt but to come in with the most powerful text of all—he’s reminding me of the nickname he gave me. He wants the puppy he named after me.

Does that mean he wants me?

Luke may think he’s rough and gruff but underneath that mask is a man who’s been hurt and who continues to hurt because he won’t allow himself to love another woman.

A part of me wants to be that woman.

Because I know for a fact he’s loyal, and if that wall comes down, I imagine he’d love fiercely and intensely.

It would be incredible to have that kind of love.

I slump down onto my couch, biting my lip.

Without warning, I’m crying.

This is too much.

I can’t casually text any of them, knowing this isn’t going anywhere.

Knowing this can’t go anywhere.

Which is my choice. And my reaction right now confirms why I shouldn’t be dating any or all three of them—it’s overwhelming and I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m about to move and start my clinical rotation.

Casual flirting via text feels a little masochistic.

I don’t think it’s smart.

After I cry for a few minutes, I pick my phone back up and start typing.

I add a kiss emoji.

I delete the emoji.

I add it again.

Then I send it to Wyatt.

Copying it, I then also send it to Jackson and Luke.

Taking a deep breath, I wipe the tears off my cheeks with the sleeve of my sweater.

“You did the right thing,” I tell myself out loud. “You need to move on before you’re totally heartbroken.”

But I realize I might already be heartbroken.

I power my phone off and go to bed.