novelxo Chapter 8: It's Know Joke
The lone figure stepped into the light and smiled, as his audience gave appreciative murmurs. “I got a job as a secretary, taking down letters for executives; but I met too many dictators.” There was a ripple of laughter from the darkened crowed, and the comedian pressed on.
“Have you ever thought that if you crossed a hiker with a busker, you’d get a biker?” The silence told it all, and so the man tried a different tack. So in a slow and purposeful manner, he began again.
“The other day I went to one of those civil war reenactments. I though it was very accurate.” Then pausing for effect, he delivered the punch line. “Everyone was being so polite to one another.” The ripple of mirth gave him a new direction; and so pressing his advantage, he continued with a monologue style.
“I went to my local dentist’s practice the other day, after the reenactment yes.” He smiled at no one in particular. “And I said to the receptionist, do you want to know what I said?” He winked at the same unseen audience member. “I said, when do you think the dentist is going to quit practicing, and do it for real?
Then I said my wisdom teeth were giving me hell. And do you know what she said? I tell you what she said. She said are you quite sure you haven’t had them out already.” He shook his head. “I’m not quite sure what she meant by that.” The smattering of laughter put paid to any doubts that the comedian was on the right track.
“She got out a couple of bottles of Champaign. Unusual for a receptionist I’ll grant you.” His odd look over the shoulders of the crowd, seemed to heighted the tension. “So I asked her if she wanted a glass or two. She said she wanted to, but I’d have to keep an eye out. That passed the after noon. And it took my mind off the tooth ache.” That final joke seemed to have passed over the audience like his earlier look. So the comedian passed on too.
" Afterwards we went to see A Midsummer Night’s Dream. The acting was so wooden; I though I was in a forest.” A lone guffaw showed at least one member of the darkened crowd had got it.
“The after show was a farce too. I asked the waiter if he had something light. He suggested spaghetti candelabra.” Again the lone guffawer showed his appreciation; but this time a few more joined in. Bolstered the act ploughed on. “You think that’s bad, you should have tasted it. I was picking crystals out of my teeth for weeks.”
The laughter seemed to be spreading. “The waiter asked me if I wanted seasoning. I said no, I’d already had a winter of discontent. Then I had an idea. I said do you have any time; he said no and tried to dash off. But I grabbed his arm and said, on second thoughts, I’ll have some basil. He broke free, and backing away said it was basil’s night off.” The quite pause lasted too long, and so the comedian changed tack again.
Looking down for a second, the face ever smiling was up again in an instant. “My wardrobe is in a complete mess. My shirts always get mixed up with my trousers. I sort professional assistance, and a very good tailor suggested I took hanger management classes. Strictly Freudian of course. But now my wardrobe is over run with slips.” A suitably strung out round of laughter followed, and so the comedian pressed further on.
“I’ve always thought it unfair how business women weren’t allowed through the glass ceiling; and then it struck me. It’s because they wear skirts.” The mirthful chortles continued, as the comedian beamed.
“I got up this morning and had a round of toast. Then I got to thinking; this toast’s not round, it’s square. What’s that all about? Did they take turns buying rounds of it when sliced bread was invented? James I think it’s your round. No I bought the last one, remember it had jam on it. But back to my breakfast, I looked in my coffee cup; and would you believe it, there was a hole in the bottom. So I tipped it out before I poured the coffee in.” The silence filled the gap of a heartbeat, before the never nervous comedian moved on.
“I tried my hand in the restaurant business. You know when something’s so bad; it’s good? Well when my lawyer opened with that line at my botulism trial, I figured I’d had enough of catering.” Laughter broke the run of silence, and so the comedian moved on.
“I never put my bag on the ground. You never know where it’s been.” The chortles followed, and so the lone figure pressed on.
“I got addicted to playing Othello recently, I have to say I do find it very Moorish.” A chortle.
“I wrote a book once. The publisher I took it to said that my grammar stank. But she couldn’t; we’d cremated her.” The same chortle showed somebody liked it.
“I knew a fellow who said he always kept a coin between his buttocks. He said it was so he could spend a penny. I could never figure out why; then one day the penny dropped.” The shuffling of chairs could be heard around the same entertained individual. So the comedian plunged on.
" Obviously the ladies won’t know be aware of this; but tonight’s venue has one of those urinals, a little bit lower than the others; for gentlemen who need a bit more space. I always make use of them when they’re provided.” He winked, oblivious to his erstwhile convert now coughing.
Then turning the comedian turned and stepped from the light. In an instant the stage was bear, as a figure from the untidy crowd approached the Holo-Entertainment 2000 with active feedback. He bent down to choose another act. Perhaps it would be a juggler this time, or maybe a magician.