novelxo Irresistible: Chapter 26
Three pairs of eyes watched me knot the deep burgundy tie around my neck. My hair was trimmed, my shave was close, my navy suit fit perfectly. On the outside, everything was perfect.
On the inside, I was a mess.
“You look nice, Daddy,” said Felicity. All three girls were lying across my bed on their bellies, studying me as I finished getting ready for the wedding.
“Thanks.” But my tie was crooked. Frowning, I loosened the knot and tried again.
“I wish we could come to the wedding,” said Millie.
“Adults only,” I told her.
“I know, but I want to see the bride. Frannie said she’d send me some pictures.” She sighed dramatically. “I’ve never been to a wedding.”
My mother appeared in the doorway. “My goodness, don’t you look handsome,” she said, leaning on the frame with her arms folded.
“Thank you.” I dropped my arms to my side. “I guess I’m ready.” But I didn’t want to leave.
“What time is the ceremony?” she asked.
“Four. Then pictures, then cocktails, then dinner.” I recited the bare bones plan that Woods had given to me. By contrast, the women all had three-page, color-coded itineraries for today.
“Better get going,” my mother said. “It’s nearly two and it’s snowing again. Are you staying at the inn tonight?”
I frowned at my reflection and tugged at the knot again. My collar was a little tight. “Maybe. I’ll let you know.”
“Just do it.” She came into the room and turned me to face her, fussing with my tie. “That way you can relax and enjoy yourself without worrying about the roads or having a few drinks or whatever. You can stay and be social. Ask someone to dance. Be charming and make conversation.”
The girls giggled, and I gave them the stink eye before pushing my mother’s hands away. “Okay, enough. I have to go.”
“Bye, Daddy!” All three hopped off the bed and accosted me for hugs as I tried to get out the door. “Have fun!”
I hugged and kissed them, gave my mother a peck on the cheek, waved at my dad, who was on the couch watching football, and hustled out the back door.
On the drive to Cloverleigh, which was shitty because of the snow, I made up my mind that I was not going to spend the night with Frannie. It was too selfish. I’d make up some excuse why I had to go home, and then tomorrow, maybe we could talk.
And then I saw her.
Around quarter to four, she poked her head into the room the groomsmen were using at the inn to wait for the ceremony to begin. “Everybody decent?”
“Come on in,” Woods called.
Frannie entered the room, and my knees almost buckled. She wore a black velvet dress that clung to her curves for dear life. It had short sleeves, a deep V neck, and hit her right at the knees. She wore spiky black high heels with an ankle strap and her gold-threaded hair was loose and wavy, flowing over one shoulder. I had to stop myself from rushing over to her and burying my face in it.
“It’s time,” she said, smiling at us with deep red lips. “I have instructions to come get you guys and take you over to the barn.”
“Finally.” Woods looked excited to take action. “Got the rings?” he asked me.
I patted my pocket. “Got ‘em.”
On the walk over to the barn, we had to go outside, and I hung back to fall in step next to Frannie. “You look gorgeous,” I told her. “But you must be freezing. Take my coat.” I slipped out of my suit coat and draped it over her shoulders.
“Thanks,” she said, smiling shyly at me. “You look nice, too.”
“How are you?” I asked.
“Fine.” She looked up ahead at Woods, who was practically running toward the barn, and laughed. “He’s so excited.”
“Yeah.”
“I’m so happy for him. For both of them.” Then she sighed. “And I’m envious too.”
“Because you want to get married?”
“Well, yes, eventually. But I guess I’m mostly envious that it seems so easy for them to be together. I wish it was like that for us. Can you stay tonight?” She gave me a hopeful smile.
I frowned and pulled the door to the barn open for her, torn between what I wanted to do and what I should do. But either way, this wasn’t the time to deal with that. “I think so.”
Her smile widened, and her eyes danced with light. “Good. Okay, take your coat. I’m going to go let April know you’re here. Don’t move.”
I watched her walk away and felt like shit. I stood by my best friend as he married the love of his life and felt like shit. I watched them speak their vows, slide rings on each other’s fingers, share their first kiss as husband and wife—and every moment made me feel worse.
Because I knew that Frannie was watching too, and I saw her wide-eyed with wonder, tearful with emotion, smiling with joy. She was probably dreaming of the day she walked down the aisle on her father’s arm, radiant with happiness just like Stella was, her future husband waiting to take her hand, to begin a new life, to start a family. I could never give her that. I could never give her anything. I couldn’t even kiss her in front of the kids.
As the evening unfolded, I grew more and more ill at ease. I forced a smile in pictures. I barely touched my dinner. I watched stiffly from my place at the head table as the bride and groom danced for the first time, nursing a second glass of scotch.
Frannie was sitting with her family, and I saw her looking at me from across the room throughout the meal, but I never made eye contact. It was killing me to know that I had to break her heart. And I didn’t want to do it tonight, but I wasn’t sure I could take any more of this. I’d never been someone who put off doing what needed to be done. Why prolong this torture?
After cake was served and the dancing began, she wandered over to where I sat with a glass of champagne in her hand.
“Hey,” she said, offering a smile.
“Hey.”
“Didn’t you like the cake?” She gestured at my dessert plate, which was still full. I hadn’t taken a bite.
“I’m not that hungry.”
Her eyebrows lifted. “I’ve never heard you say that before. Are you feeling okay?”
“Actually, not really.” I loosened the knot in my tie. “I’m a little warm.”
“Well, I was coming over to see if you wanted to dance, but maybe you’d like to get some air instead?”
“Uh, yeah. Air would be good.”
She set her champagne down on the table. “Let me grab my coat from the back.”
“You can wear mine.” I shrugged it from my shoulders and she turned around to slip her arms into the too-long sleeves.
“Thanks.” She wrapped her arms around herself. “Mmm. It’s nice and warm.” She sniffed the collar. “And it smells good.”
The queasy feeling in my gut intensified as we walked to the back of the barn and snuck out through the doors leading to the covered patio. In the summertime, wedding guests would have been out here as well, but since it was February, we had it to ourselves.
Frannie breathed in and exhaled, creating a little white cloud in the icy dark. “Whew, it was warm in there.”
“Yeah.” Sticking my hands in my pockets, I took a few deep breaths too, hoping they’d calm my fraying nerves.
“You’re not off the hook, though. I still want to dance with you.” She elbowed me gently.
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
She turned to face me. “Why not?”
“Because …” I forced myself to say words I didn’t feel in my heart. “I think we should slow down. Cool off.”
She shook her head slightly. “What? Where is this coming from?”
“I’ve just been thinking we’re moving a little too fast.”
“Since when?”
I shrugged. “Last week.”
“I don’t understand. On Wednesday in your office, things were fine. I’ve hardly seen you since.”
“That’s part of the problem, Frannie. We can’t even see each other. It’s too hard with all the sneaking around. And it’s not fair to you.”
Again, she shook her head, and tears glistened in her eyes. “I’ve told you a hundred times, I don’t mind.”
“Well, I do. I can’t keep doing it. It’s making me feel like shit. I can’t be what you deserve and what my kids need. I just can’t. I feel like I’m being torn in two.”
“But Mack,” she said, a tear dripping down her cheek. “I’m in love with you. I can’t just walk away.”
I felt it like a sledgehammer to the chest. “Don’t say that. It’ll only make things worse.”
“But it’s true,” she wept. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before in my entire life.”
“You’re so young, Frannie. You’ll meet someone else who can be what you want.”
“I want you, you big jerk,” she said, going to wipe her eyes but struggling to get her hand free from the long arms of my coat. Finally she gave up and the tears fell freely while I stood there helpless and angry. The thought of her with someone else made me want to put my fist through the barn’s glass door.
“You think you want me, but you don’t,” I told her. “Where do you see this going, Frannie? Where does it end? Because it has to end somewhere.”
“Why?” she sobbed.
“Because you want things I can’t give you.”
“Like what?”
“You want a husband. You want children.” I shook my head. “I’m never getting married again, and I’ve already had my children.”
“I’ve never even brought that up,” she said, finally fishing a hand from my sleeve and dragging her wrist below her nose.
“But it’s true, isn’t it? You’re envious of Ryan and Stella. You see how easy it could be. You want that promise of a future together, and you should have everything you want. I just can’t be part of it, and when you realize that down the road, you’ll leave.”
“You mean you won’t.”
“What?”
“You won’t be part of it.” She took a step closer to me and looked me right in the eye. “You’re choosing to end this now because you’d rather be alone than take a chance on a future with me. You’re afraid.”
I bristled. “I’m realistic. I know what I am and what I’m not capable of. And the girls are already too attached to you. What happens to them when this falls apart? They’ll be devastated. They’ll hate me.”
“Don’t blame this on the girls,” she said, sliding my coat from her arms and shoving it at me. “This is all you.”
“Frannie, come on. I didn’t want it to be like this.”
But she spun on her heel, yanked open the door, and disappeared inside the barn.
Hanging my head, I stood there for a moment with my coat in my hands and told myself I’d done the right thing—for my kids, for Frannie, for myself.
But I’d never felt worse.
Somehow I made it through most of the reception, but just after nine I told Woods that I had to get going. I made up a story about one of the kids not feeling well, but I think he knew it was bullshit. He didn’t say anything, though, just gave me a hug and said he’d give me a call once he and Stella were back from their honeymoon. I congratulated them both, kissed Stella on the cheek, and left.
I knew what Frannie meant when she’d said she envied them. I did too.
My coat was in my office back at the inn, so I walked across the path and went to retrieve it. While I was there, I dropped into my chair and sat there for a moment, feeling dejected and empty. It didn’t seem possible that just a few days before, I’d had Frannie right here on this desk, not a care in the world beyond making her feel amazing. And now look what I’d done.
I should have known better.
Squeezing my eyes shut against the image of her and everything good she brought to my life, I jumped up from my chair, threw my coat over my arm, and took off.
At home, I undressed in the bathroom and crawled into Millie’s bottom bunk, where I’d been sleeping since my parents arrived. But there was no way I could sleep tonight. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw those tears running down her cheeks in the dark. I heard her voice telling me she loved me. I felt the unbearable burden of knowing that I’d broken her heart.
I hoped she’d forgive me someday.