Indiscretion

14 years ago

“What does it feel like?”

After knowing each other a year, Bailey and I had become inseparable. I even went with her to the hospital for her treatments when I didn’t have football practice, which was where we were currently. An IV dripped into her chest as we sat side by side on plush reclining seats.

“What? Chemo?”

I shook my head. “No, the thing that’s under your skin. The port. Does it hurt?”

Bailey had a rubber tube attached to her chest where her medicines were delivered. Supposedly it was easier than sticking her with needles all the time.

She shrugged. “It hurt for a few days after they put it in. It was sore like a cut. But I don’t feel it anymore really. Just a little pressure when they connect the IV to put medicine and stuff in.”

I grinned and lifted my drink. “What do you think would happen if we put this coconut milk in?”

Bailey chuckled. “I don’t know, but I think I’ll pass on trying.”

“Boring.”

“Do you want to touch it?”

“What? The port?”

She rolled her eyes. “No, my left knee, Dawson. Of course I meant the port.”

I’d been slouching in the chair next to her, but jumped up at the opportunity. “Hell yeah.”

Bailey leaned forward and tugged her blue hospital gown down a bit. Chemo was one of the few times she didn’t wear a hat and sweatshirt, and I noticed her collarbone jutting out. She’d definitely lost some weight, and her patchy hair was all gone now. It made her look more like ten than fourteen.

“Go for it,” she said.

The port was implanted under her skin, with clear tape all around it and a lone tube that stuck out. I ran my fingers around the raised bump, feeling where it started and ended. “It’s a triangle?”

“Yep.”

Bailey watched me as I felt around. When my eyes lifted to meet hers, the moment turned weird. At least it did for me. She looked down at my lips, and I pulled back sort of abruptly.

“It’s pretty cool,” I said. “Thanks for letting me touch it.”

Bailey nodded and picked up her phone, but the awkwardness continued for the next few minutes while she scrolled—or at least in my head it did.

Eventually, Mrs. Anderson walked in with two shopping bags. Bailey’s mom usually left to run errands whenever I came to a treatment.

She smiled. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine.” Bailey didn’t look up from her phone. “Dawson just felt me up.”

My eyes bulged. “I didn’t… I felt her port.”

Bailey pointed to my face. “Why should you be the only one to make things awkward, you weirdo?” She laughed. “You are so red right now.”

“And you’re freaking evil.”

Mrs. Anderson chuckled. “You two are worse than brother and sister.”

“If we were brother and sister, it would be even weirder that he felt me up.”

I held out my hands. “I didn’t feel her up. I swear.”

Bailey’s mom set down the shopping bags and rummaged through one. “I was in Macy’s and saw the cutest dress. I thought you could wear it to the ninth-grade spring dance at school.”

“I’m not going to the dance, Mom.”

Mrs. Anderson sighed. “You don’t need a boy to go to the dance. Plenty of girls will go with their friends. I spoke to Katie Arnold, and she said Elaina is going with Laura and Penny.”

“Good for them. But I hope the dress is returnable, because I’m not going.”

Mrs. Anderson frowned and looked at me. “Are you going, Dawson?”

I nodded. “Yeah, I think so.”

Bailey’s head whipped up. “You are?”

I hadn’t mentioned that I’d planned to ask someone to the dance. Allie Papadopoulos had pretty much told me that she wanted to go with me already. She was the prettiest girl in school and wasn’t shy about saying she liked me. Bailey and I usually talked about everything, but for some reason bringing up asking out another girl had felt weird. I figured it would probably come out at some point, but now I wished I’d said something because that awkwardness was back again.

I nodded. “I’m going to ask Allie Papadopoulos.”

Bailey’s lips pressed together. “Oh.”

Shit. Now I felt bad. I had someone to go with, but Bailey didn’t. Though plenty of my buddies were going stag. “You should totally go. Like your mom said, a lot of kids are just going with their friends. Ben is going with the guys.”

“Dances in the gym are stupid.” She looked away. “I don’t want to go.”

Bailey’s mom caught my eye and shook her head, silently telling me to leave it alone. Not long after, the nurse came to disconnect Bailey from the IV drip, and we were on our way home. It had been drizzling when we came in, but it was pouring by the time we walked back outside. Bailey sat up front, staring out the window while her mom drove, and I sat in the back.

“Dawson?” Mrs. Anderson looked in the rearview mirror as she turned into our neighborhood. “Are you coming to our house or going home? I can drop you if you aren’t coming over so you don’t get soaked. I think it’s supposed to rain all night.”

“I don’t have much homework, so I can come over.”

“Actually,” Bailey said. “I’m really tired. You should probably just drop Dawson home.”

Mrs. Anderson caught my eye again. She smiled sadly but neither of us said anything else.

Later that night, it was bugging me that I seemed to have upset Bailey about the dance. So I sent her a text.

Dawson: Hey. I don’t have to ask Allie to the dance. We can all go together.

A few minutes went by before the dots started jumping around.

Bailey: Go with whoever you want. It doesn’t bother me. I don’t want to go.

Dawson: Are you sure?

Bailey: A hat with a dress would look stupid.

Dawson: So don’t wear a hat.

Bailey: The only thing worse than wearing a dumb hat with a dumb dress to go to a dumb dance is being the only person in the gym who is bald. No thanks.

I sat for a long time, unsure how to respond. Then something Bailey had said when we first met gave me an idea. Actions count more than words. For now, I texted back.

Dawson: Okay. See you in the morning.

***

As usual, Bailey was at the bus stop before me. Her eyes widened when she saw me coming down the street.

“Oh my God. What did you do?”

I rubbed my hand over my newly smooth head. “You like it?”

“You look like a cancer patient!”

“But a hot cancer patient, right?”

Bailey just kept shaking her head and staring at mine. “Why would you do that?”

“You said the only thing worse than going to the dumb dance was being the only person in the gym who’s bald.” I shrugged. “Now you won’t be the only person who’s bald.”

“Everyone is going to stare at you.”

I grinned. “They already stare at me because I’m so handsome. What’s the difference?”

“I think the vibration of the buzzer you used might’ve rattled your brain. What if Allie doesn’t like it and doesn’t want to go to the dance with you now?”

“I changed my mind about asking her anyway. She’ll want to hang out with all her girlfriends, and I think it’ll be more fun to go with friends anyway.”

Bailey stared at my head. “I can’t believe you did this.”

“It makes showering so much quicker. Who knows? Maybe I’ll keep it this way.”

She smiled. “You’re nuts.”

This morning when I looked in the mirror, I’d also thought I was nuts. But the smile on Bailey’s face right now made me sure I’d done the right thing.

On the bus, the guys busted my chops about my new hairdo. Though I was bigger than ninety-nine percent of them, so no one pushed too far. Bailey sat two rows in front of me, wearing a bright aqua bucket hat today. She didn’t turn around, but she couldn’t have missed all the jokes. I hoped what I’d done didn’t backfire and upset her. When we arrived at school, we all stood and waited our turn to get off the bus. When Bailey’s came, she stepped out into the aisle and started to walk. But before she got off, she stopped, turned around, and took the hat off her head—something she never did at school. Tossing it to me, she smiled. “I guess I was wrong when I made your bracelet after all.”