If You Want Me (The Toronto Terror Series)

We’re playing in New York tonight, and I’m still on the bench, though just for one more game. As awesome as it was to get that news this morning, the fact that I can’t celebrate it with Roman or Aurora makes it less of a win. It also stings that I would probably have been playing tonight if I hadn’t gone down on my knee at the gala. Thankfully, Roman’s hand is fine. I watch my teammates fly down the ice. Like always when we play New York, Madden and Grace are riding each other hard, at least they’re staying out of the penalty box, though. The game is tied, but we still have twelve minutes to score another goal. There are only a handful of games left in the regular season. We’re heading for the playoffs no matter what, but every point counts. Grace slams Madden into the boards, and New York gains control of the puck.

“I wish I understood why they hate each other so much,” Palaniappa mutters.

“They went to hockey camp together when they were teenagers. Something happened there from what I understand,” Bright says.

“Must have been something pretty damn bad,” Palaniappa replies.

I don’t comment. I’m half here, half still in Toronto, wondering how Aurora is doing. Rix came up and got the fob from me before I left and said she would take care of the boys. She told me Aurora was doing as well as could be expected. I wish things were different. That I’d handled this better. That I hadn’t imploded my relationship with Aurora and my best friend. I feel fucking lost. I was afraid she could change her mind years down the road, but now I’m scared I’ve lost her forever.

Bright and Palaniappa are called back onto the ice, and Madden and Stiles rotate off. Stiles takes the spot beside me. “You need to keep your head on the next shift, man,” he says to Madden. “I can’t hold your hand during playoffs.”

“He knows how to push my buttons,” Madden grumbles.

“And you let him,” Stiles replies.

“He shit talks,” Madden counters.

Stiles claps him on the shoulder. “You’re better than he is, on the ice and off. Stop letting him get under your skin.”

“I’m trying.” Madden’s leg is going a mile a minute, though, so it’s hard to say how effective he’ll be.

Palaniappa passes the puck to Bright. He rushes down the ice, toward the net, New York on his heels. Palaniappa gets into position, and Bright sends the puck his way. Spencer blocks another New York player from stealing the puck, and then it’s back to Bright, who shoots on net. It bounces off the post, but Palaniappa is ready for the rebound. He slips the puck by their goalie’s skate as he shifts to the other side of the net, giving us the goal we need to take the lead.

The arena goes wild—the New York fans freaking out, the smattering of Toronto fans shouting their approval. We keep the lead through the rest of the period and win by one.

Roman is still ignoring me. I figured sharing a room on this trip would force conversation, but so far, my attempts are met with one-word answers and a lot of cold shoulder. After the game, I follow Roman to the hotel room, hoping we can finally clear the air. I’m unable to handle all this fucking nothingness.

“How long is the silent treatment going to last?” I ask.

He drops his coat on the bed. “As long as it takes for me to get over you having a relationship with my daughter behind my goddamn back. Maybe it’ll take a month, maybe a year, or maybe I’ll never get over it. You knew better. You put Peg—Aurora in a shitty position. It was up to you to do it the right way. My daughter is a fucking mess, and that’s on you. Her heart is in pieces because you’re a selfish, fucking coward.”

I start to interject, to explain, but he cuts me off. “You don’t have a daughter, so you can’t possibly comprehend how awful it is to see her go through this. The only thing I can do is be someone she can lean on. She’s my first priority, which is a hell of a lot more than she is for you.”

Everything I did was meant to protect her from pain, but I failed miserably. At least I didn’t ruin her relationship with Roman. That’s something.

His phone rings. “That’s Aurora. I’d like some privacy while I speak with her, so if you could see yourself out, that would be great. One of the guys will text you when I’m done.” He crosses the room and opens the door, motioning for me to leave. “Hey, sweetie. How was your first exam? Did you feel good going into it?”

I grab my jacket and my phone and step into the hall. What else can I do? Roman doesn’t want to hear my side, and I don’t want to upset Aurora more than I already have.

The door slams in my face. I can still hear his voice, but the words are too muffled to make out.

I knock on Flip and Tristan’s door. Tristan opens it. He’s dressed in his usual uniform of jogging pants and a T-shirt. “You sleeping on my couch tonight?”

“Maybe.”

“I’ve been there more times than I can count, but mostly because Flip has a problem keeping his dick in his pants.” He steps aside and lets me in.

“Where is he now?”

“He went to grab some snacks. I already warned him that if he brings a human back with him, he can rent his own freaking room.”

“He’s been a lot better over the past few months,” Ash offers.

“He has, but my couch-sleeping days are over. Yours, however, have probably just started.” His expression reflects both empathy and disappointment.

Ash and Dallas are already on the couch. Dallas brought his gaming console, so the two of them are playing. “So, you and Hammer, huh?” Dallas says.

“Shilps called it months ago,” Ash says.

“Did one of the girls say something?” I’m aware Rix has known for some time, and Tristan walked in on us once…

Ashish rolls his eyes. “It’s the way you look at her.”

“Which is how?”

“With longing.”

Well, that’s not inaccurate.

“I can’t believe you’ve been boning your best friend’s daughter. That’s ballsy. Pun intended,” Dallas says. “And stupid.”

“I’m not a douchebag. I was not boning Aurora.”

“Fine. Having sex.” He pauses the game, and his eyebrows pop. “Or making sweet, sweet love to your best friend’s daughter.”

“I’m going to punch you in your fucking face if you keep talking about Aurora like that.”

“Oh, shit.” Dallas sets his controller down. “You’re in love with her.”

“Seriously, can we change the subject?”

“Dude. You’re in love with Hammer. Like, Hammer, who basically grew up with the entire team as big brothers-slash-bodyguards.” Dallas keeps talking. “Damn. Well, now what happened with Willy yesterday makes sense.”

“What happened with Hemi?” Ash asks.

“She signed me up for this photo shoot with a python before we flew out yesterday, probably because she knows I hate snakes, but then she said something came up, and she rescheduled it. She didn’t even call me a name or tell me she hates me. She always tells me she hates me. But I guess she was preoccupied with whatever’s going on with you and Hammer. I thought maybe you wanted a bite of the forbidden fruit. You know, taste that fresh, forbidden apple.”

“Seriously, I’m going to strangle you in your sleep,” I tell him.

“Similar to how you’d like to bite Hemi’s apple,” Ashish says.

“Oh no. I don’t want to bite Hemi’s apple. I want to make a fucking pie out of it.”

I look to Tristan for some actual advice, which clearly puts me in the highly desperate category. “You’ve been through this before, and you and Flip figured things out and Rix took you back.”

“Uh, yeah, but only because Bea is the most understanding woman in the universe. I don’t think it hurts that I provide multiple orgasms every single time.”

“It’s a good thing Flip isn’t here for this conversation,” Dallas says.

Tristan shrugs. “He’s aware of my ability to provide multiples, which is another reason Bea should not be interested in being my girlfriend, but here we are. She’s the first person I want to talk to every morning and the last face I want to see before I go to bed. I would do anything to be the lucky bastard who gets to love her. Take your own advice, man. If you really love Hammer, why aren’t you doing something about it?”

“I don’t want to come between her and Roman,” I say. “Maybe in a few years, when she’s older, we’ll be able to make better decisions together.”

“She’s gonna spend the rest of her life living with her daddy? Being his little girl?” Tristan shakes his head. “Sounds like a bullshit excuse to me. Maybe you need to ask yourself what you’re really afraid of, and why you’re allowing yourself to be sidelined.”

“I hear what you’re saying, but you know it’s not that simple. I just wanted her to feel safe and supported.”

“Safe from what? Roman being rightfully upset? Love is never simple. It’s always a risk. You need to decide how far you’re willing to go for Hammer, or maybe you don’t love her as much as you think.” His words hit me harder than any fist ever has.

I spend the night on Dallas and Ash’s couch. The following morning, we board the plane and fly to Buffalo for one more away game. We settle into the hotel before practice, and Roman continues to ignore me. I miss Aurora. I’d gotten used to checking the kitty cams for footage of her and having an ongoing conversation via constant text messages. But now everything feels empty.

I change into my practice gear and hit the ice with the rest of my team. Tonight, I’m back in the game for the first time, so I need to make the most of this practice. The dull ache in my knee quickly dissipates these days, and despite my life being a complete shitstorm, the workout goes smoothly.

Coach pulls me aside afterward to check in. “You looked good out there today. You feeling game ready?”

“I’m ready to be back out there with my team.”

“This is a good team to be up against for your first night back,” he says.

Last night wouldn’t have been smart with Madden and Grace all over each other. But we’ve beat Buffalo every game this season, so we’re feeling strong about a win tonight. “I agree.”

He nods and rubs his chin. “Everything else okay?”

I’m sure he’s noticed the tension between me and Roman. Unlike Madden and Stiles, we’re not duking it out on the ice, but Roman doesn’t hide his death stares.

“I’m working out some personal stuff,” I say.

“Will that impact how you play tonight? There’s no shame in needing a little more time, Hollis.”

They’re giving me an out, but I’m not inclined to take it. “I’m good. I need to put my focus somewhere, and the ice is the best place for it.”

“Okay.” He raps on the arm of his chair. “If that changes, you let me know.”

“Will do.”

I avoid my hotel room between practice and the game and spend a few hours with Flip and Tristan, since Dallas and Ashish are with Roman. I don’t like the divide this creates. My unease follows me into the locker room as I suit up for the game. And it doesn’t let up when we step out onto the ice, or when I take my place on the bench. What Tristan said keeps rolling around in my head. When I ended things with Aurora, I thought I was doing the right thing after doing the wrong thing for months. Did I step back when I should have stepped forward? Am I allowing myself to be sidelined?

“You got this, man,” Palaniappa says. “You played well during practice. Stay out of your head, and you’ll be fine.” We watch Stiles and Madden pass the puck back and forth, skating toward Buffalo’s net. Tonight, they’re fighting to stay out of the bottom of the playoffs.

“I’ll do my best.”

Madden and Stiles rotate off, and I rotate on with Bright. Spencer passes the puck to him, and we skate down the ice, heading for Buffalo’s net. I lose speed as I head for the crease, not wanting to repeat history, but I miss an easy pass because I’m being too cautious. We scramble for control. I shake it off and remind myself that I have a decade of professional ice time. I can play better than this.

Bright commands the puck, but Buffalo is playing like their lives depend on it, and their goalie deflects every shot, keeping the score at zero. We rotate off, and Madden and Stiles rotate back on. They do what we couldn’t and score the first goal of the game. Buffalo is desperate to even it up, but Hammerstein shuts them out, and defense is playing tight.

Bright and I take the ice again, and I push aside my fears of another injury and try to keep my head in the game. This time, I don’t slow when I approach the crease. I make the turn and the pass, but I almost collide with a Buffalo player. I avoid the hit, but slam into the boards and go down.

“You all right, man?” Palaniappa asks as I get to my feet.

“Yeah, just playing like it’s my first time on skates.” I test my knee to make sure everything feels fine before I chase the puck down the ice. But that fall cost me precious seconds—the kind we can’t afford in a game like this, let alone when we make it to the playoffs.

We’re still leading 1-0 at the end of the first period. I follow my teammates down the hall to the locker room, the weight of the truth hitting me. I’m distracted, worried I’m going to do something to screw up my knee—or the game, and then Aurora will feel like it’s her fault. We’re playing against a team fighting to get themselves out of the bottom position. It will only get more intense. Especially if we keep the lead, or increase it.

“You gotta pull me from the game,” I tell Coach Vander Zee once we’re in the locker room.

“You need the doc to look at your knee?” he asks, suddenly on alert.

I shake my head. “My knee feels fine, but I can’t play the way the team needs me to tonight, and I don’t want to be the reason everyone else has to play harder and better. I’m not willing to risk this game for my ego.”

“You want me to sit you out this period?” Vander Zee asks.

“I need you to sit me out the rest of the game.” This is what Aurora feared, that the rift between me and Roman would screw our chances in the playoffs. But it’s me that’s the problem, because I fucked everything up. Because I don’t have the one person I love more than anyone else. Keeping it a secret didn’t stop me from falling for her. It isn’t time we need, it’s for me to get my head out of my ass. Aurora grounds me, inspires me. She owns my heart, and I’ve lost her. Because I’m terrified of getting hurt. So I broke my own heart before she could. Like a fucking idiot. I’ve screwed myself over, but I can’t screw my team over, too.

“Does this have anything to do with the personal stuff you got going on?”

I start to shake my head but stop. I can’t compartmentalize what’s going on with me and Aurora and Roman. I won’t be able to play my best until I fix this. It’s about having the person at my side who makes me want to be better, do better, live a fuller life. I had that with Aurora. She’s been there to lift me up when things were hard. She’s been my champion through two injuries. And I want her back. Not in a couple of years, like I told her, but now. I want to navigate the new path with her. I don’t care if she’s just graduating university. I don’t give a shit that there’s more than a decade separating us, or that people might have opinions. I love her. I’m in love with her, and I don’t want to wait for the timing to be right. This is as right as it gets. I want her now, and I’ll gladly take whatever challenges that brings if I can have her at my side.

“Hollis?” Coach asks.

“I can’t be what the team needs right now, and I don’t want to put us at a disadvantage,” I say again. I don’t want to explain it any further. I need to get Aurora back before I can be useful to my team.

He nods. “We’ll meet when we’re back in Toronto to talk this through.”

“Yeah. Absolutely.” And I need to call my agent and have the discussion I’ve been putting off. I need a contingency plan if this season is my last. I need to start planning for my future, and I need it to include Aurora.

I watch from the bench as we win the game 3-2. It’s a huge boost for the team, and as hard as it was to sit on the sidelines, it was the right thing to do.

The sportscasters are stationed outside the locker room after the game. I hate interviews, but when one of the young reporters shouts my name, instead of muttering no comment, I turn to face him. Shocked, he shoves the microphone in my face. “What happened on the ice out there?”

“I couldn’t be what my team needed.”

“Is this because of your knee injury? Do you think you’ll be able to handle playoffs?”

“It’s not because of my knee,” I grumble.

“Do you think you’ll do better with home-ice advantage? Scarlet Reed has been attending your games. Is she your good luck charm?”

I level him with a glare. I’m so tired of people telling me who I’m supposed to be dating. “This has nothing to do with Scarlet. Despite media speculation, we are not together. And we will never be again, because I’m in love with Roman Hammerstein’s daughter—uh, Aurora.”

I’m met with shocked silence for half a second before ten microphones are shoved in my face.

“Does Hammerstein know you’re in love with his daughter?”

“Are you secretly dating?”

“How does Scarlet feel about you dating someone else?”

“How does Hammerstein feel about this?”

“I’m not taking any more questions.” I stomp into the locker room as they shout after me.

As the door closes behind me, Roman is standing there, an unimpressed look on his face. “It’s just words if you don’t follow up with action.” He disappears into the showers.

Dallas claps me on the shoulder as he passes. “Willy’s going to kick your ass for that.”

Have I dug my hole deeper or built myself a rope ladder?