If You Want Me (The Toronto Terror Series)

“I’m so glad you said yes.” Scarlet ushers me into the penthouse apartment she’s renting.

“I figured it made sense with you in the city for a while.” I shrug out of my coat and toe off my shoes. I’m not entirely comfortable being in her personal space, but after a short back and forth, this seemed the best location to avoid ending up in the tabloids. I can’t handle hurting Aurora more than I already have by being seen with my ex the night after I kissed her. Being with Scarlet feels all kinds of wrong already.

“Hard to escape me when I’m everywhere, huh?” Her smile is both wry and impish.

“It must get old, being followed wherever you go.” The local tabloids have a daily feature, and lately, it’s been Scarlet getting her morning coffee, or highlighting her designer jacket or shoes, or who the fuck cares what else. I’m used to the fame of being a pro hockey player, but no one tails me from my home to the arena.

She waves a dismissive hand. “You sort of sign on for it in my line of work.” I follow her into the kitchen. “What can I get you? I have wine, scotch, and beer.”

“Beer is good.” I’m driving, and anything stronger would be a bad idea.

“Sure.” She opens a bottle of my preferred brand, obviously prepared. “Would you like a glass?”

“The bottle’s good.”

Her fingertips graze mine when she passes it to me. It doesn’t spark anything except more guilt.

“Thanks.” I take a long swig. “How are you handling the Canadian winter?” Yup, definitely struggling for conversation if I’m already talking about the weather.

“It’s so cold here! I don’t know how you stand it.”

“It takes some getting used to. But I travel during the worst months, so I get a lot of breaks. Can’t be easy on a California girl.”

“I shouldn’t complain. This role is incredible, and I’m thrilled to have the opportunity. Plus, I get to watch you play.” She pours herself a glass of white wine. “It’s good to see you back on the ice. How are you feeling?”

“Good. The concussion was a minor setback.”

She leads me to the living room. I sit in the corner of the couch. She takes the middle cushion and angles her body toward me. She’s wearing jeans and a cropped sweater that falls off one shoulder. Her hair is curled, and her makeup is done. She looks like she’s ready for the camera. She probably is, I realize, in case we leave her apartment together.

“You have another year left on your contract with Toronto, don’t you?”

She enunciates each syllable in the city’s name. I used to do it when I was first traded to the Terror, and Aurora found it hilarious. My chest tightens when I think about what she’s doing right now. Did she make plans with that James kid? How hurt would she be if she knew I was here?

“Hollis, are you okay?” Scarlet puts her hand on my knee.

“Just, uh…up in my head a lot lately.” I shift positions and cross one leg over the other to sever the contact.

Her smile turns empathetic. “I’m sure it must be hard, coming off an injury and then being out of the game again. But you’re back and better than ever, right? Who knows what could happen at the end of next year. Maybe you’ll wind up back in California. Or Vegas even.”

That’s unlikely. “I’m hoping Toronto will renew for a couple more years.”

“Don’t you miss the sun and the year-round nice weather?” she asks.

“I have family close by, and I’d like to finish my career here.” I love my team, I’m comfortable, and the people I care about most are close.

“It’s kind of exciting, isn’t it? You’ll only be in your mid-thirties and starting your second career. Have you given any thought to what’s next for you?”

I shrug. “I’m more focused on the game than what’s after it. How about you? Your star keeps rising.”

“The last seven years have been a whirlwind,” she admits.

“It must be a challenge having your life on display all the time.” But even as I say that, I’m not sure it is for her. Our differing views on this topic were a big part of the reason she broke it off. She welcomes the media attention. She constantly posted pictures of us when we were dating, putting our relationship on display in ways I wasn’t comfortable with.

She smiles and drops her gaze. “It can be difficult on relationships, as you know.”

“I know.” My stomach twists. Our end was public and painful. Our final fight caught on camera for the world to speculate over. It’s the reason I’m so intensely private now and also why I’ve avoided serious, public relationships.

She sets her wineglass on the table and runs her hands over her thighs as her eyes lift. “I’m sorry for the way things happened, Hollis. So sorry. I wish I’d handled it better.”

I’m about to tell her it’s fine, but then what the hell was the purpose of coming here? “I thought we were on the same page,” I say instead. “I thought we wanted the same things.” We’d talked about marriage and settling down. More than once.

Her fingers drift over her lips. “Everything was happening so fast. The Way We Weren’t was taking off, and you’d just been traded. I didn’t think I could handle that kind of distance, especially with you wanting so much secrecy around our relationship.”

“I just wanted some privacy,” I counter. “I didn’t want us under a microscope all the time.” I’d been positive we could handle the distance. Sure, it would’ve been hectic with our careers, but I’d been so fucking in love. So ready to love her for the rest of my life. And she’d ripped my heart out. At least I hadn’t actually proposed. But she’d learned my plan after the fact.

She rubs her bare ring finger. “I know that now. I was so young then. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish I’d done things differently.”

“But you didn’t.” She interpreted my lack of interest in being media fodder as being unsupportive and ended us.

She moves closer and takes my hand. “I know I hurt you, Hollis, and I can’t take it back. But it’s the biggest regret of my life. I should have realized you were trying to protect our relationship by keeping it out of the media spotlight. I was scared of all that distance and what it would mean for us. I know one conversation won’t fix things, but I’m here for a few more months. Maybe we could spend some time getting to know each other again.”

It would be the right thing to do—date someone closer to my age. But the idea of having a relationship with the world watching, again… I still don’t want my life any more available for public consumption than it is. And the idea of putting my heart back on the line, especially with someone who’s already shredded it once, seems like a stupid thing to do. But beyond any of that, I don’t want the woman sitting in front of me.

Not to mention what it would do to Aurora. My being here feels like a huge betrayal to a woman who isn’t even mine. I’d never be able to fix what I’ve broken if I went down this path with Scarlet again. And judging by the weight in my stomach, it’s not something I could live with.

I lick my lips, my mouth dry and my chest tight. “We’re very different people now, Scarlet. What you did to me, how you left things—you’re right, one conversation won’t fix that. And I don’t know if spending more time with you will either. You’re fresh out of a relationship⁠—”

“Things weren’t good there for a while,” she interjects. “I was supposed to wait until we started filming here, but it just… We weren’t working.”

“You were still together for two years, according to the tabloids anyway, which is how long we were together. I wasn’t over the end of us after three months.” I push to a stand. “I appreciate the opportunity to talk, and I’m grateful for your honesty, but I don’t know if this is what I need.” But I do know. Unfortunately, the person I want, I can’t ever have.