Humanity in the Deep

July fifth of the ship year 162 AL

Traveling from Iota Pegasi to Helvetios

Roger woke up with a start. Looking down, he saw multiple tubes going into his body, and pins in both his shoulders. He must have been on some major painkillers or a spinal block because he didn’t feel any pain, just a tightness.

He looked around and yelled, “Kat,” as loud as he could. It turned out to be little more than a squeak, but it was enough. A woman wearing white came over to him, put a hand on his shoulder, and gently said, “You need to rest.” And he was out again.

---

Roger awoke again, and with effort, he slowly raised his head and opened his eyes.

He saw Kyle sitting in a chair to his right. His uniform was rumpled, and he was reading something off his wristcomp. He looked up and saw Roger looking at him and grinned.

Roger must have dozed off again because the next thing he knew, there was a worn-out nurse in the room.

“...he’s going to be fine, should be able to leave in a few days, after we’ve tapered him off the drugs.”

“I can tell him if you need to get back to your duties; you’re obviously busy,” Kyle replied.

“Thanks, if he needs anything, just ask. We all owe him.”

“More than I can ever repay,” Kyle said.

They clasped hands and the nurse left.

“You should be feeling more awake soon. Don’t try and talk. It’ll come with a little time.”

Roger felt like he had been beaten up. But he had gone through worse for less. He pushed the pain to the back of his mind. His mother had given him few good things, but a high pain tolerance was one of them.

Kyle moved his chair next to the head of the bed and, put his hand on Roger’s shoulder. and said, “Roger... I can never repay you for what you did. You’re my brother, now and forever, I want you to know that.”

Looking closely at Kyle, he looked worse than Roger felt. With major effort, Roger managed to say, “Kat...”

“Kat had no more than minor injuries. She’s resting in our quarters with Nadica now.”

It worked. She lived.

If he could have, Roger would have cried.

“All but eight people made it off the Snowball. Thomas is a little worse off than you but will recover. Alexi is still in a coma but will be fine once the people and equipment can be spared for her heart surgery.

“The Erik had to start leave the system when you were still burning to Marble. Two boats stayed behind to evacuate the Birtha and the Snowball when you entered the planet’s shadow. They got the people off and pushed their boats to two G’s to catch up with us.

“We’re on our way to a nearby off-grid system...”

There was something in Kyle’s voice, like he was worried about something. Roger ignored it., Kat was alive, that was what mattered.

Roger fell asleep while Kyle was still talking.

---

Kyle and Nadica alternated sitting with him. He never saw them both at the same time. All they would say about Kat was that she was recovering.

Countless people came to thank him. They never stayed long, but what they said was heartfelt in ways that he would never have seen on New Europe.

He was still trying to wrap his head around what he and Thomas had done; he had never really thought past saving Kat. The fact that he might die had barely entered his mind, only that she would die if he did nothing.

“Ready to go?” Kyle asked. Though Roger was being discharged, he still had bandages and was on some painkillers. But he could walk and wouldn’t be far from medical help.

More importantly, he needed to go to Kat.

When walking through the corridors, he noticed that people were either frantically busy or bored. The last burn, while cramped, had an air of carelessness that was missing.

It took twice as long as it should have, but they made it to where they were staying. Kyle hadn’t said a word the whole way there. When they got within sight of their Loke’s quarters, he put a hand on Roger’s chest, stopping him.

“Kat feels everything deeply,” Kyle said with a soulful, and almost painful look in his eyes.

He paused and looked into the distance. Roger let him proceed at his own pace.

“When Kat was fourteen, she was a brat, as many people are at that age. She argued and yelled at our father for hours just before they boarded a boat. She said she was glad he was leaving. On some level, she blames herself for their deaths, and always will. She retreated from everything for months; it was everything I could do to get her to eat. In some ways, she never really came back. She’s outgoing and extroverted on the outside but inside, she lets few in. I think before she met you, she never thought she would love anyone. Several times, I watched people grow close to her, just for her to find the most trivial reasons to stop seeing them. It almost felt like she would get to know them just to prove that it would not work.

“That’s why she never moved out. She likes being with me because I’m safe. She blames herself for the deaths on the boat, and for making you risk yourself. In her mind, she might as well be a murderer.”

“What could she have done?”

Kyle sighed and said, “She was the only one in the cockpit when the nova started. She thinks if she had reacted faster, she could have saved everyone. They would have been on a ballistic course when the EMP’s knocked out the drive. She thinks of those eight deaths as her fault. Commander Nodel and even the captain himself told her they weren’t. All she said was ‘incompetence is no excuse.’. ”

Roger felt uncertain as he looked at the door. “What do I say? What can I say?”

“It doesn’t matter. If someone is convinced of something irrational, telling them that it’s irrational will not help. Sometimes, being there is all that you can do. She’s stronger than she believes, and with your help, she’ll work through this.”

Roger was not sure if the last was meant for him or if Kyle was talking to himself.

They stood there in silence for a moment.

“Roger... this isn’t just about her. Sometimes, I look into your eyes and I see pain and I see fear. I think you need to talk to her about it, for both your sake’s. Sometimes, the only way to heal is to share your pain.”

Not knowing what to say, he silently walked into Kat’s room. She was so still it was eerie. She never sat still, even when she was watching a movie. Yet there she was, sitting perfectly still, staring at nothing.

She had a cast on one arm and bandages across her stomach. She had her underwear on, but nothing else. Her hair was unkempt, and he had the impression she had been sitting like that for hours. He sat down on her bed next to her and took her hand. He looked into her eyes as he tried to steel himself.

He slowly talked, “When I was six, my parents divorced and moved to different cities. My mother had custody. My first memories are of being beaten because I made a mistake. She was a drunk who took her frustrations out on me.

“Then she started doing something worse than beating me.

“Seeing you naked and drunk like that, it made me think of her, and suddenly, I was a kid who was being tied down again...” He shook.

She turned and wrapped her arms around him and said, “That’s... that’s why you ran after the games?”

“It took years before I could even stand to be in a room with a girl or woman. I was kicked out of school because I couldn’t stand being around the teachers. I’m broken, Kat.” He cried.

He knew it was going to have to be said, but the illusion had felt so good.

“I’m so sorry. I can’t be with you. You deserve someone better.”

He was getting up when she said, “Please stay, I know I don’t have any right to ask, but I need you. After you left on the Birtha, we were told about your old injuries, we guessed what they meant.

“Please, I love you, you’re the best man I’ve ever met and I need you tonight. You are worthy. When I needed you, you were there. No one else would have done that, done what you did.”

Roger looked into her eyes, and he took her into his arms and laid down with her.

She cried, and he hugged her tight.

---

He loved Kat, yet, on a primal level, he was afraid of her. The part of him that was still a boy at the mercy of a woman without any.

He woke up shaking several times that night. He was very glad she wanted the lights on dimly. Seeing her ebony skin reminded him that he was not back in his mother’s apartment. Looking at it helped him stop shaking.

He needed to be better. He couldn’t seclude himself anymore. He wouldn’t. She needed him to be stronger.

He felt like a different man when Kat woke up. She slipped out of the bed and quickly dressed.

“Are you okay?”

“I will be. I hope.” He looked at his hands, took a deep breath, and told them to stop shaking. After a while, they did.

“Kat, you’re not responsible for anyone’s death on the Snowball. You have to know that.”

“I was there..., I was a pilot. It was my job to see to their safety. If I couldn’t do the job I shouldn’t have been there.” She looked like she was ashamed.

Looking into her eyes, he saw that Kyle was right. All he could do was be there, to make sure she never felt alone. If that was all he could do, then he would do it.

“Is there anything I can do to help you?” Kat asked as she looked at his hands.

“Would you teach me to dance?”

“You...want to learn to dance?”

Kat loved to dance. She had asked him several times to go dancing with her. She had even offered to teach him after he said he didn’t know how, but he had always found reasons to say no. The only time they had danced was the night of the games.

He got up, took her hand, and looked into her eyes as he said, “I want to be with you, but I can’t now. I was thinking that maybe dancing will help me move on. Help me get used to holding you. I know you’re not my mother, but part of me is afraid of you, and I don’t want to be afraid of the woman I love.”

“I would like that,” she said with a weak smile.

She quickly pulled him into a hug and said, “I love you too, Roger.” She then quickly let him go.

---

It was a week since he was discharged from sickbay. Roger was sore but was otherwise fine. Physically, anyway.

He knew it was going to be a hard day.

For the first time in what felt like a lifetime, but was less than a month, he put on his flight suit. He made sure the patches were straight and his pockets were empty.

He turned and saw Kat was almost done doing the same. She had insisted on wearing her flight suit and Roger had followed her example.

When he had woken up, he saw her sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at the empty half of the room. He wished he could have done more than hug her naked form, but he wasn’t ready yet.

They had silently danced half the previous night and went to bed exhausted.

She was willing to go out more and he was seeing more of the woman he remembered. He was glad he could sleep with her the previous night. Sometimes, he would have a panic attack and go to his own quarters. But he was getting better.

He hoped the funeral would give Kat some kind of closure.

“It’s time,” he said and offered his hand. She took it and they left the quarters.

She hung onto him like her life depended on it.

They passed hundreds of people, many of whom were going the same direction.

As they entered the large cargo bay, Roger saw most of the senior officers, all in their dress uniforms. The council were all in suits with red sashes.

The room could only house a fraction of the people on the Erikson during boost, so the ceremony was being broadcast to everyone else.

The spokesman, John Nyda, stood up and walked to the podium. “We are here today to honor our dead.”

The large screen showed pictures of the people lost, changing every thirty seconds or so. Roger heard people start to cry throughout. Some said goodbye. He heard a boy cry out for his daddy, then start to cry.

Kat clutched Roger tighter as she stared at the images of the dead.

Spokesman Nyda waited until they looped back around. He then said, “They may be dead, but they are not gone. Those things they have built will endure; the things they have taught will be remembered.

“Please grieve, but do not allow the memory of their deaths to overshadow their lives. What they did and who they were matters, and that should be honored above the pain that their passing causes.”

Roger had not lost anyone he knew during the Nova, but when he looked at the images, he felt a sense of profound loss anyway. They were people he would never know, colors he would never understand.

He almost missed the spokesman when he spoke again. “During the Nova, there was more than just death. Two of our people showed remarkable courage and saved almost a hundred lives.

“Roger Wright Powell and Thomas Robert Rhentt, please step forward.”

Roger was surprised but he walked forward. Kat let go of his hand at the last second. When he got to the stage, Thomas was next to him. He was also wearing his flight suit and he appeared just as surprised as Roger.

He could see Kat beaming proudly back at him. Roger was happy to see something other than anger or sadness in her eyes.

The counselor continued speaking. “The Medal of Valor is the highest honor that we can bestow. What you did, gentlemen, was... beyond brave. Your actions showed you valued the lives of your shipmates more than your own. We know you did not do it for recognition or praise, but nonetheless, it is important that we honor such actions.”

He took a medal out of a small box and pinned it to Thomas’s chest. He then took the second one and turned to Roger. He hesitated and said, “Roger Powell, you are the first person in our history to have earned this while not a citizen, but nonetheless, you are one of us. Any doubt any of us might have was removed when you endured a five G burn for days to save the lives of your shipmates. If you ever wish to become a citizen, I speak for the entire council when I say we would be honored to have you.” He pinned the medal to Roger’s chest.

Everyone clapped and shouted.

“You saved my daughter.”

“My son is alive.”

“My brother was on the Snowball.”

Many more called out. He did that. He had touched thousands of lives. The magnitude of what he did was just sinking in.

After letting everyone grow silent, Spokesman Nyda loudly announced, “Tomorrow our work continues, tonight is for remembering our fallen family.”