Him

Outside, Jamie heads toward Mirror Lake, and I follow him. How many times have I run this loop with him? A hundred, at least.

“Remember that summer when we said we’d do five miles a day, no matter what?” I ask.

He’s put us on an easy pace as we head away from the dormitory. “Sure do.”

“Then we had that hot day with two practices and weightlifting. But you said, ‘We still have to do the run, or the summer won’t count.’” I snort just thinking about it.

“Nobody told you to eat that ice cream cone first.”

“I was starved. Of course, I haven’t been able to order pistachio since.”

Jamie snickers as we turn toward the lake. “Light green puke all over the lawn.”

“Good times.” They were, though. I’d yarf on the grass every day if it meant I could go back to the easy times. Chasing Jamie’s big, blond body around the lake was all I wanted out of life.

Okay, that’s a lie. I’d rather tackle him to the ground and strip off his clothing. Seeing him again is killing me right now.

I have something to say, though, and it has to be soon. We run the next mile in silence as I rehearse it again. My big apology. If Jamie is horrified, it’s going to sting.

There are kayakers on the lake, their vessels tipping with each stroke of the oar. I feel as steady as they look.

“So what did you want to talk about?” Jamie finally asks.

There’s no ducking it anymore. “I’m here just through July.” It’s best to get the preliminaries out of the way.

“Me too. I’m supposed to be in Detroit before August first. You’re heading to Toronto, huh? You pumped?”

“Sure. But listen… I just need to say that if you don’t want to room with me this summer, I’ll ask Pat to move me. I won’t even be offended.”

Jamie stops running, and I pull up short to avoid plowing into his back. “Why?” he asks.

Here goes nothing. It all comes out in a rush. “Canning, I’m gay. And yeah—maybe that’s not such a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Except that the last time we were here I kind of…pushed you into fooling around with me. It wasn’t cool, and I’ve spent the last four years feeling shitty about it.”

For a long moment he just gapes at me. And when he finally speaks, it isn’t what I expect him to say. “And?”

And?

“And…I’m sorry.”

His face reddens. “You know I’m from Northern California, right? You get that I know a gay dude or ten?”

“Uh, okay?”

Jamie’s mouth opens and then closes. And opens again. “This is why you didn’t call me for four years? Why you ignored my texts?”

“Well…yes.” I’m so confused now. I just pled guilty to assholery in the first degree and practically molestation. And he’s worried about a few texts.

His face turns another shade redder. Then he takes off running again, and I’m so startled that it takes me a second to chase him.

He’s running faster now. He lengthens his long strides and moves his arms with power. The athletic shirt he’s wearing hugs each muscle as he moves, and I am jealous of that piece of polyester fabric.

The loop around Mirror Lake is a little under three miles. I don’t know what’s in his head as he runs the rest of it. I’m a few paces behind, confused and disheartened. On our way back through town, we pass all our old haunts—the fudge shop and the toy store that sells rubber-band guns. A bakery called Miracle on Icing.

I don’t see Jamie’s face until he slows to a stop in front of the toboggan run, locked up again for the summer. I wish we could go back to a simpler time when climbing some chain-link was my biggest offense.

When he turns his sweaty face to me, there’s still anger in it. “You didn’t talk to me for four years because you thought I’d freak out about you sucking me off.”

“Uh…yeah.” But given the resentment in his voice, it’s clear I’d fucked up in some other way that hadn’t made it into my calculus.

His hands are clenched into fists. “Is that how you see me? Some uptight asshole?”

On a bench nearby I see a young mother scoop up her toddler and walk away from us, frowning.

But Jamie is on a roll. “It was just a little sex, for God’s sake. Nobody died.”

And I’m probably going to swallow my tongue now. “I… It was dishonest.”

“Ah. Thanks for punishing me for your dishonesty. A four-year sentence. I went off to a strange college where I knew nobody, wondering how I’d been such a shitty friend.”

Well, fuck. “I’m sorry,” I mumble. It sounds inadequate. To both of us, I’m sure.

Jamie kicks a trashcan. “I need a shower.”

My traitorous dick volunteers to join him, but I keep my big trap shut as we walk the last block and climb the stairs. This had not gone the way I’d anticipated. My worst-case scenario had involved Jamie recoiling in horror at my gayness and accusing me of manipulating him into fooling around.

I’ve spent four years riddled with shame over what I’d done, and now it turns out I should’ve felt ashamed about something entirely different. Jamie didn’t care that I’d blown him. He cared that I’d abandoned him. And knowing I’d hurt my best friend much more deeply than I’d realized twists me up in knots.

I hesitate at the top of the steps, calling out to his rigid back. “Um, Canning?”

“What?” he mutters without turning around.

“Am I finding somewhere else to sleep tonight?”

He sighs. “No, jackass.”