Every Last Word

My legs feel wobbly and I’m sure everyone is staring at me as I cross the cafeteria. Alexis and Kaitlyn are on one side of the table; Hailey and Olivia are on the other.

Alexis sees me first. She elbows Kaitlyn and whispers something in her ear. I keep taking brave steps across the room, Sue’s voice in my head, reminding me to hold on to the people who make me stronger and better, and let go of the ones who don’t. Holding on to the Poets was easy. Letting go of the Eights is already proving to be harder than I expected.

“Can I talk to you guys?” I’m asking all of them, but for some reason, I direct the question to Alexis.

“Of course,” she replies, scooting down, making room next to her. “Where have you been? We haven’t seen you all week.”

“We were worried,” Kaitlyn says. I must look skeptical because she adds, “Really. We were. In fact, I went to your locker a bunch of times looking for you.”

“Why?” I ask.

“I wanted to apologize.”

I’m still not sure I believe her. If she wanted to apologize so badly, she could have tried a lot harder to find me. She hasn’t texted me once in seven days.

I catch Hailey giving her a stern look. Kaitlyn sits up straighter and leans in closer to me. “I’m glad you’re here, because I’ve been meaning to talk to you. What I said last week wasn’t funny. I was out of line and I’m sorry. I hope you’ll accept my apology, Sam.”

Wait. Did she call me Sam?

I look at Hailey’s smug expression, thinking about the conversation we had in my room last Sunday, and I start to realize what’s happening. Hailey’s been rallying for me from the inside. She doesn’t want me to leave. She’s convinced them to apologize and start calling me Sam from now on. Then this will all be over. And everything can go back to the way it was.

Am I really such a great friend that they can’t stand to lose me? Or are they merely trying to save face? I’d like to think it’s the former—that I’ve been overreacting all these years and they really are true friends who love me for exactly who I am—but I’m not completely sure.

Kaitlyn takes a sip of her soda, and then turns to Alexis. “Did you tell her about this weekend?”

Alexis looks around to be sure no one can hear her, and then she rests her forearms on the table and lowers her voice. “My parents are going out of town. I can’t have another party, because if they catch me again, they’ll take my car away. So we’re keeping it small.”

“All the guys are coming over,” Olivia pipes in, pointing around the cafeteria as she identifies them. “Travis, Jeremy, Kurt…We still need someone for Hailey. And you can bring AJ, okay? So we can get to know him better.”

I’m tempted. I don’t want to be, but I am. I’ve been mentally preparing myself to part ways with the Eights all week, but now I’m not so sure I want to leave them behind so completely.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I can have both. Now that I think about it, AJ might like being pulled into my circle. I’ve never even asked him. I picture all of us sitting around Alexis’s living room, talking late into the night, everyone getting to know the side of AJ most people don’t get to see and…Wait. What did Olivia just say?

I turn back to Kaitlyn. “You’re seeing Kurt?” For a split second, she looks a little embarrassed, but she quickly recovers. She cocks her head to one side. “Yeah. We sort of bumped into each other at a party last weekend and got back together.”

Got back together? I’d hardly call making out with my boyfriend in a coat-check room while I was fifty feet away “together.” But I’m glad she told me. For a minute, I almost forgot why I came over here today.

“I need to say something to you guys.” The mood shifts instantly. Alexis folds her arms across her chest. Kaitlyn stares at me, eyebrows raised. Olivia bites her lip and fixes her gaze on the table. Hailey brings her hand to her forehead.

“We’ve been best friends since we were little kids, and there are so many reasons for that. We’ve always had so much fun together. All of my very best memories include you guys.” I’m speaking slowly and clearly, exactly the way Sue coached me. I feel my hands shaking, but I take a deep breath and keep talking. “But we’ve also changed a lot over the years. And I think that’s a good thing. I think we’re supposed to change, and when we do, that has to be okay. I’ve changed over the last few months, and I like the person I’m becoming.”

“And who is that?” Olivia asks.

“That’s the thing,” I say with a shrug. “I’m not sure. The truth is, I don’t really know who I am without you guys. But I think I need to find out.”

It doesn’t come out exactly the way Sue and I practiced, but it’s close and I followed all the rules. I intentionally don’t mention AJ or any of my other friends downstairs, and I’m careful with my words so they don’t think I’m blaming them or anything. We’re growing apart. It’s time to part ways.

“Did your new boyfriend put you up to this?” Olivia asks.

“He sounds a little possessive,” Kaitlyn says to her, as if I’m not sitting right here.

“Stop it,” Hailey interjects. “Now.” I feel her hand on my shoulder and it catches me completely off guard. “I’m not doing this. Not again.”

I know what she means. We all do. She’s not going to let them treat me the way we all treated Sarah. And I realize that no matter what happens today, Hailey now knows which side she’s on, and it’s mine.

“She’s right,” Alexis says. “You’re our friend. We love you. You should do what makes you happy.”

Kaitlyn raises her eyebrows. Olivia won’t look at me. Hailey still has her hand on my shoulder. Alexis is smiling at me, and it looks genuine.

I’m still trying to get my head around this whole thing. I’m having a hard time believing those words just came out of Alexis’s mouth, but she sounds sincere. Maybe it’s a game. Maybe I’m about to be the punch line of some big joke, or the focal point of some nasty piece of gossip. Even if I am, I can’t do anything about it anyway.

I give Hailey’s hand a grateful squeeze as I stand up.

“I’ll see you guys later.” I walk through the cafeteria doors, leaving my friends behind. Feeling all the pain of letting them go. And knowing I did the right thing.