Every Last Word

I still have no idea where Caroline eats lunch. I asked her once and she said, “Places,” and when I asked her if she eats alone she said, “Sometimes.” So I don’t expect to see her in the cafeteria today, but I stop at the door and scan the entire room anyway.

I haven’t been able to find her, not even at her locker this morning, but I’m still buzzing over what happened with AJ last night, and I can barely stand to keep it to myself another second. I have to tell Caroline first. I wouldn’t have known him or any of the Poets if it weren’t for her.

Where is she?

The Eights are already sitting at our usual table, Alexis and Kaitlyn on one side, Olivia and Hailey on the other. Olivia moves over to make room for me at the end of the bench.

“Dieting?” she asks as I slide in next to her. I’m confused until she points to the empty spot in front of me. “Where’s your lunch?”

“I’m not very hungry,” I say, but that’s not entirely true. I’m too excited and nervous and elated, too everything to eat right now.

“So, what are we doing tonight?” Olivia asks. “I haven’t heard about any parties or anything.”

“I know. It’s too quiet,” Kaitlyn says. She takes a sip of her soda.

“Hey, I have an idea.” Alexis rests her elbows on the table and looks at each of us. “My parents are going out. Come over to my house. You guys haven’t all spent the night in ages.” I catch Hailey raise her eyebrows as she takes a big bite of salad.

“I’m in,” Olivia says. Kaitlyn follows her with a “Ditto,” and Hailey says, “Sure, why not?” Then there’s silence. They’re all looking at me.

I wasn’t expecting to find a perfect opening quite so quickly, but here it is. I dig my fingernails into the back of my neck three times and take a deep breath. “I can’t tonight. I have other plans.”

Alexis doesn’t even try to hide the surprise in her voice. “Really? Hot date?” she asks jokingly as she sips from her bottled water.

“Actually…yes.”

Now I have their full attention. Kaitlyn pushes her soda away, Olivia returns her sandwich to her plate, and Hailey’s jaw drops, along with her chip bag.

“With?” Alexis’s eyes are wide as she asks.

I run my thumbs along the edge of the bench three times. “AJ Olsen.”

Kaitlyn starts laughing, and at the same time Alexis asks, “Who?” Everyone else looks at her and nods like they’re wondering the same thing.

“Wait,” Olivia says. “I know him. He’s in my English class.” She looks at me. “I mean, I don’t know him or anything. He never says much. But I know who he is.”

“You’re serious?” Kaitlyn looks at me. She’s still laughing. “You’re going out with Andrew Olsen? You’re k-k-k-kidding.” She slaps her hand on the table, cracking up at her own joke. “No w-w-w-way.” She looks around the table, but I keep my eyes fixed on her. My hands ball up into fists by my sides.

“You guys remember Andrew. From elementary school.” When they shake their heads, she sings that fucking Chia Pet jingle again, and then elbows Alexis. “You remember that kid, don’t you? He stuttered so badly he couldn’t even say his own name.”

“Kaitlyn. Stop. Now.” Alexis says it like she’s scolding her. I’ve never heard her speak to Kaitlyn that way. I’ve never heard anyone speak to Kaitlyn that way.

I wish I’d been the one to call her out, but I’m too stunned to say anything. Still, I have to speak. It’s my job to defend him. I can’t just sit here and let her mock him. “I-I…” I choke on my words.

“See? It’s contagious.” Kaitlyn starts cracking up again but stops when she realizes everyone’s staring at her and none of them are joining in. “Oh, lighten up. That was funny.”

After a deep breath, I press my palms into the table and lean forward, closing in on her. My voice is shaking. “We were horrible to him, Kaitlyn. We teased him so much, he switched schools.”

“Oh, so you’re pity-dating him?”

I look at her soda. I consider throwing it at her.

“I am not pity-dating him,” I say, picturing AJ on stage in Poet’s Corner, guitar swung over his shoulder, singing some line that makes my heart race and my whole body melt. I think about what happened last night, the way he looked at me before, during, and after. “I’m in love with him.”

I just blurted it out. I can’t believe I did. I look around the table, watching for reactions, but they don’t come, not right away at least. The four of them are dumbstruck.

“You’re in love with him? Do you even know him?” Alexis finally asks.

Olivia jumps in before I can answer. “Wait, does he have anything to do with where you go during lunch?”

Everything gets quiet again, and I watch my friends process Olivia’s words, seeing their expressions change before my eyes as they clue into the fact that this thing with AJ tonight isn’t simply a hot date or even a first date. It’s probably one of many. And that I might have been serious when I said that thing I just said.

“We’ve been hanging out together for a few months now. First as friends and more recently as, well, more than that.”

They all look at each other, but none of them will look at me.

“Well, this explains a lot,” Alexis finally says. “We’ve all been talking about how you seem so different lately. Right?” She looks around the table, addressing them individually. Kaitlyn nods in agreement. Olivia, too. Hailey stares at her food. “You’ve been acting like a totally different person.”

Hmm. Or maybe it’s that I’m not acting.

Alexis reaches across the table and rests her hand on mine. “You’ve changed, Samantha. And I think I speak for all of us when I say that it’s not for the better, sweetie.”

Not for the better? How could they not see that I’m a better person? I told Shrink-Sue I felt healthier, more in control of my emotions than I ever have. I’m no longer a slave to their words and actions, and that means there’s something wrong with me.

“We don’t feel like we even know you anymore,” Olivia adds.

“You’re right,” I say quietly. “You guys did know me, but I don’t think you do anymore. Not really.” I look around the table as I talk, realizing, maybe for the first time, that I don’t know much about them either.

The words are right on the tip of my tongue, and I start to tell them the truth: I need to get some distance from them. But then I take one look at Hailey’s face and think about what she said in the bathroom that day, about how she needed me and she didn’t know what she’d do if I left like Sarah did. I can’t say it. Not today.

I look right at Kaitlyn. “You owe AJ an apology.”

“For what? Something I said when I was in fourth grade?

“No,” I say as I stand. “For something you said five minutes ago.”

That cafeteria door seems like it’s miles away, but I throw my shoulders back and march toward it, holding my head a little higher than it was when I walked in here.