Every Last Word

I’m scanning the corridors for AJ while trying not to look like I’m scanning the corridors for anyone. I’m also trying to keep a straight face, but when I think about what happened at the pool last night, I just…can’t.

AJ’s lips were as soft as I thought they’d be, and they were so warm, so wet from the water, and the way his hands moved so fluidly over my body…No one has ever touched me like that before…and I have no idea how I’m going to get through this day. And he likes me. Too much. How am I supposed to keep him a secret? I swear if I turn this corner and see him standing at my locker, I’m going to press my whole body against his and kiss him hard before he even knows what’s happening.

I turn the corner and my stomach drops instead. He’s not there, but the Eights are, each one demonstrating her dissatisfaction in her own unique way: a hip popped to one side, a head cocked knowingly, an eyebrow raised. Hailey’s posture is less confrontational, but the nervous look on her face makes me question if she knows which side she’s on.

“Hey. What’s up?” My voice cracks.

“We need to talk to you.” As soon as the words leave Alexis’s mouth, the adrenaline kicks in. My armpits already feel sweaty, and my fingers are tingling. As usual, she has taken the role of group representative. The one who will “start the conversation.”

“Where have you been?” she asks.

I look around me. “Home. The parking lot. What are you talking about?”

“Not today.” It comes out in a huff, and she doesn’t add the word “idiot” but she says it with her eyes. She rests her hands on her hips and takes a deep breath. “Samantha, we need to talk to you about the way you’ve been lying to us.”

I start to interject, but she puts her finger to her lips.

“Don’t say anything until I’m done, please. You’ve been lying to us. We just want to know why, because we”—she waves her hands around, indicating the rest of the group—“are your best friends. At least, we thought we were.”

This might be a new record. We’re barely twenty-four hours away from “Itty-bitty-titty-gate” and it’s already a distant memory. They’ve found a reason to move on. To me.

My hands are shaking, my pulse is racing, and a big part of me wants to take off running right now, bound for the theater or some other dark location where I can sit and breathe and think and prepare for this. I’m no good in an ambush.

Alexis looks over at Kaitlyn. This is the point at which they’ve agreed to pass the baton to the next person. It’s the biggest job, the one with all the heavy lifting. “You told us you were going to start swimming during lunch, but we know you haven’t been.”

“Your hair is never wet when you get to fifth period,” Olivia interjects.

“I wear a cap,” I say under my breath.

“We’ve tried to find you at the pool,” Hailey adds. “You haven’t been there.”

I look at her. This would have been good information to know yesterday. I have a feeling she knew this was coming, and I feel even more betrayed.

I stuck up for her.

“So you’ve been spying on me?” I ask them.

“No,” Kaitlyn says plainly.

“Yes,” I say.

Alexis steps forward. “Fine. We were spying on you, but you lied to us and that’s so much worse.” Her voice pierces the air. Everyone within earshot has stopped collecting their books from their respective lockers and they’re all frozen in place, watching the drama unfold, waiting to see what’s going to happen next.

Over Olivia’s shoulder, I spot Caroline, watching the scene from behind her locker door, and I can read the expression on her face: she’s worried I’ll tell them about Poet’s Corner.

I give her the slightest nod and hope she knows what it means: I have this under control.

“Friends don’t lie to each other, Samantha,” Kaitlyn says. “Not ever.”

No. Never.

Not even when they don’t like the outfit you’re wearing or your new haircut or the new song you like or the guy you think is cute. My friends—especially Kaitlyn—don’t lie to each other, not ever, even when it’s a kindness designed to spare someone’s feelings.

“We’re giving you a chance to come clean,” Olivia says. “Where have you been going during lunch?”

I start to panic, but instead, I think about my conversation with Shrink-Sue last week, when I told her I care a lot less about what my friends think of me these days. I try to reconnect with the part of me that said and truly meant those words. I blow out a breath and lift my shoulders, standing a little taller.

“Honestly?” I say, and they all unconsciously lean in, step forward, move closer toward me. “It’s personal.”

“Personal?” Alexis asks. “What the hell does that mean?”

“It means it’s none of your business, Alexis.”

My voice is clear, my words direct, and my hands are already shaking less. Their eyes say everything they’re feeling: confused, shocked, humbled, hurt.

This sucks. And it feels good at the same time.

I square my shoulders and step toward my locker. Alexis and Hailey part to let me through.

“Seriously? You’re not going to tell us?” Alexis asks, and I can hear the surprise in her voice. This scenario never occurred to her.

“No, I’m not,” I say, spinning the combination lock, lifting the latch, gathering my books. Using the opportunity to take a few deep breaths and get my legs to stop trembling.

The bell rings. Thank God.

I sneak another glance over Olivia’s shoulder. Caroline is still watching us, but the expression on her face is now filled with relief. She might even look a little proud of me. I glance around at the Eights, wishing they’d leave so I could talk to her, but everyone seems to be in a state of shock.

The picture on the inside of my locker door catches my eye. My gaze travels past the pink Post-it that reads “What you see…” and over to the small mirror. I notice that the two expressions are nearly identical. Confidence. That was the word I used when I told Shrink-Sue what I liked about the photo. It’s how I felt at the pool with AJ last night. It’s how I feel during lunch on Mondays and Thursdays.

I look at that strong, determined expression on my face. I remember exactly what I was thinking when Sue asked me about it. Swim scholarship. A chance to go far away to college. A chance to reinvent myself. And that’s when I realize that, as much as I want the scholarship, I don’t need to go away to reinvent myself. I’ve already been doing that.

I turn to face them. “I’m doing some different things during lunch now, but when I’m not, I’d still like to sit with you guys. Is that okay?”

“Of course,” Hailey says right away. No one else says a word, until she turns her head and raises her eyebrows at Alexis.

“Yeah,” Alexis says. “Of course that’s okay. Why wouldn’t it be?”

“Cool.” I close my locker door. “I’ll see you later.”

As I pass Caroline, I motion toward the path that leads to the theater. She follows me, and as soon as we duck into a quiet alcove, she gives me a high five.

“Nicely done. How do you feel?” she asks.

“Amazing. But that’s only part of the reason why.” I scan our surroundings to be sure we’re still alone. “Can you keep a secret?” I ask her.

She rolls her eyes. “Of course I can.”

And I tell her all about AJ and our non-date.