Every Last Word

“Where have you been?” Kaitlyn asks as I find a spot in the circle.

“What do you mean?” I start unpacking my lunch bag. “The bell just rang.”

“Not today. Yesterday.” When I look up, she blows her straw wrapper at me and it bounces off my forehead. “You weren’t here at lunch, and Olivia said you missed fifth period.”

“I was just worried,” Olivia says, playing with her food. “Everything okay?”

“I wasn’t feeling well so I went home after fourth.” I take a sip of my soda. In my peripheral vision, I can see them all looking at Alexis. “What?” I ask, feeling the familiar adrenaline rush that always kicks off the panic attack. I steel myself for whatever it is Alexis is supposed to report regarding my whereabouts.

She saw me talking with AJ at my locker. Or sneaking into the theater with Sydney.

“I saw your car in the student lot after school.” She sounds apologetic, but there’s a little accusatory lilt in her voice. An unsaid Aha. Caught ya.

I don’t want to lie to them, but I can’t tell them where I was yesterday. A version of the events I’d been planning when I ran into AJ yesterday pops into my head, so I go with it.

“I went to the office and the nurse took my temperature. Since it was high, she said I wasn’t allowed to drive, so my mom had to come down here and get me.” I add a dramatic eye roll to punctuate my lie, and give my sandwich my undivided attention, trying not to appear guilty.

They must not have any other evidence against me because Alexis says, “Oh. Well, I’m glad you’re feeling better.” When I look up again, she’s mixing dressing into her salad. Hailey gives me a sheepish grin, like she’s relieved to discover that I have a good reason for abandoning them without a word.

It worked for today, but I’m not sure how I’ll skip out of lunch on Monday. What am I going to do if I’m invited to join Poet’s Corner—fake an illness every Monday and Thursday? I’m going to need a better cover story.

Olivia starts telling us about this new band on her dad’s label, and how he wants all of us to go to their next show and bring a bunch of friends to help fill the room. While everyone’s busy checking the concert dates on their phones, I use the opportunity to disappear into my own world, thinking up ways to get out of lunch.

It’s too early for yearbook. I’m not in any other clubs. They’ll never believe I’m spending two afternoons a week helping a teacher with some project or preparing for a big science lab or something. Then it hits me. As usual, I’m saved by water. It’s perfect. I don’t typically swim in the school pool until team practice starts in the spring, but it’s open and heated until early December. There’s no reason I couldn’t start earlier.

When there’s a lull in the conversation, I jump in. “I’ve got a few big meets coming up, so I’ve decided to start swimming during lunch a few days a week.” I offer the information casually as I gesture in the general direction of the school pool. “I’m getting crushed by homework and it’s getting harder to get to the club. I’m just mentioning it so, you know, you don’t wonder where I am.”

“Hey,” Olivia says excitedly. “I want to come to one of your meets. I’ve never seen you race.” She glances around the circle. “Have you guys?” They all shake their heads.

No. I can’t let them watch me swim. When I’m in the pool, I’m as close to Summer Sam as I get.

“Actually…please don’t. I know it sounds weird, but it’s kind of my thing.”

Kaitlyn lets out a huff, affronted. “You compete in front of huge groups of people all the time. Why would it bother you if we came to a meet?”

I don’t have a good answer at the ready, so I tell them the truth. “I don’t know. Complete strangers watching me race is one thing. You guys are different. That would make me totally nervous.” I laugh to deflect the impact of their glares, but the sound that comes out of my mouth doesn’t sound like a laugh at all.

“We’re your best friends,” Alexis says. I can’t tell from her tone of voice if she’s offended or simply pointing out a fact. “Why would you be nervous around us?”

It’s an excellent question. One I ask myself all the time.

Before I can answer, Hailey jumps in. “It’s okay,” she says. “We understand.”

“We do?” Kaitlyn asks. Her tone isn’t hard to gauge at all.

“It’s Samantha’s thing.” I look over at Hailey and silently thank her.

“I still don’t get it,” Alexis says. “But whatever. Have fun swimming at lunch. Alone.”

We go back to eating, and I’m relieved to have that conversation behind me. I start thinking about next Monday, mentally pumping myself up to read my poem in front of the group.

“So, did you guys hear about tomorrow night?” Alexis asks. “Big party.”

“Where?” Hailey asks.

“Kurt Frasier’s.” My head snaps up.

Kaitlyn glares at her. “You have got to be kidding. I am not going to that asshole’s house.”

“And I am?” I add.

Kaitlyn reaches over and grabs my hand in solidarity. I pull it away.

“Oh, please. You’re not still mad about that, are you?” she asks. “I told you. He kissed me.”

“Kaitlyn, we are not talking about this again.” I say it firmly, and she must hear the weight in my voice because she lets out a heavy sigh and drops the subject.

Kurt and I had been together for two months when we went to winter formal last year. He said he was going to get a drink, and twenty minutes later, when I went looking for him, I found him hooking up with Kaitlyn in the coat-check room.

The two of them didn’t last long. A few weeks later, he and Olivia got together at a party. It started to look like he intended to work his way through all five of us and was just getting started. I thought we’d collectively agreed that none of us would ever speak to him again. How could Alexis even suggest going to his house?

Alexis looks at Kaitlyn, and then at me. “Look, the guy’s a douche, but he’s a douche with a keg and an empty house, and that’s where everyone’s going tomorrow night.” She turns her attention to Hailey and Olivia. “I’m going. You guys?”

“I’m in,” Olivia chirps. When Kaitlyn shoots her a nasty look, she adds, “What? He has a nice house. I bet his parents’ liquor cabinet is top shelf.”

Hailey seems to want my approval, because she peeks over at me. I shrug and look away. “Yeah, sure,” she finally says.

“Okay, fine. I’ll go,” Kaitlyn says. And then she looks at me. “Samantha?”

“I’m not going.” It feels good to say it so definitively. Maybe I’ll invite Caroline over.