Dirty Letters

“I think this is a very good opportunity for you to continue your desensitization therapy, Luca.”

Doc and I walked side by side through the woods. It was a little chilly today, so I had a light jacket on. My trusty therapist, on the other hand, had a crew neck Christmas sweater on with a cartoon picture of Jesus holding up two fingers in a peace sign. It read LET’S PARTY BECAUSE IT’S THE BIG GUY’S BIRTHDAY. Doc kept his off-season clothes in the trunk of his car, since his tiny house didn’t have much storage room. Apparently that was the first thing he could grab for our walk.

“I know, but I don’t think our relationship is ready for this. It’s so new . . . we’ve only just met in person for the first time less than a month ago. What if I can’t hack it and have a bad panic attack and it . . . it scares him away?”

Doc stopped and looked at me. “Let me ask you something. Does the fact that you’ve only met in person a short time ago make your feelings for Griffin any less real?”

“Well, no . . .”

“Okay. So how you got to the place you are now in your relationship is irrelevant. I’ll admit your circumstances are a little unique—but you’ve gotten to know this man over more than a decade. It’s not like you’re jumping into something with a stranger. I’m assuming you’re in love with him?”

I sighed. “I am. Very much so.”

“Well, then you need to find out if you can make this life together work. It sounds to me like he’s willing to bend as much as he can to figure it out. Wouldn’t it be worse if you got even closer than you already are and then discovered that you couldn’t fit into each other’s lives?”

“I guess . . .”

“Let me tell you about the agapornis.”

“The what?”

“The African parrot—we call them lovebirds.”

“Oh. Okay. What about them?”

Doc extended his hand for me to start walking through the wooded path again. He liked to tell his stories as we strolled. “Most people think of lovebirds as the bird that your sweetheart gives you for Valentine’s Day as a romantic gesture—because they mate for life. But they actually don’t need to pair up and mate in order to survive. The lovebird requires companionship, and that bonding can come from a human if there isn’t another bird available. We’re a lot like the lovebirds. You don’t need to pair up in order to live. In fact, I’m sure you’d survive just fine spending the rest of your days with only Hortencia by your side. But when the lovebirds pair up into a monogamous relationship, they become calmer and more stable.”

“Are you saying that I’d be calmer in a relationship?”

“I am, Luca. It’s not uncommon for people with panic disorders to alienate themselves like you have. They try to hide the condition to avoid shame or fear of having a panic attack in front of others. This is why a support network is so important. Once you see that people you love and trust accept you for who you are and don’t judge you, you’ll be more likely to take some risks that could result in others outside of your network seeing your panicked state. Allowing a loved one in is the next logical step for you. You’ve made wonderful progress with me over the last few years, but together we can only go so far. You need to now decide to take a chance.”

Griffin didn’t ask what Doc and I had discussed. Nor did he pressure me to talk any more about what he’d proposed earlier that day. Instead, he gave me space, and we had a great night of sex and eating pizza in bed. After, we both dozed off, or so I thought.

It was about 2:00 a.m. when I stirred awake. My eyes fluttered open to find Griffin’s big brown ones watching me. He smiled.

“Is it creepy that I really like watching you sleep?”

My voice was raspy. “Sort of.”

He chuckled. “Did I wake you by creeping on you?”

I pushed back hair from my face. “I don’t think so. I think I just woke up because I have a lot on my mind. I tend to be a restless sleeper when something is bothering me.”

Griffin nodded. He didn’t need to ask what was weighing on me. Instead, he just leaned and brushed his lips against mine. “Anything I can do to help you sleep? Make you some warm milk or rub your back?”

“No, I’m good. Thank you.”

He wiggled his brows. “I hear strenuous exercise is a good method of inducing sleep.”

I smiled. “If that’s so, I should have slept for a week after the last few days.”

Griffin ran his thumb across my bottom lip. His touch was so tender that it made my insides melt. “Well, as long as you’re up,” he whispered, “can I tell you something that’s on my mind?”

“Sure. Of course.”

Griffin looked deep into my eyes. “I’m scared, Luca.”

I sat up on one elbow. “What are you scared of?”

“I’m scared that you don’t want anything from me. That you don’t need anything from me.”

My heart sank. “Oh God, Griff. You couldn’t be more wrong. I do want something from you.” I reached out and put my hand on his chest. “I want this. I want your heart.”

“But you don’t want to want it.”

God, I’d fucked this whole thing up. I had been so busy worrying about how afraid I was to take a chance that I never once stopped to think that maybe Griffin was nervous about falling in love, too. He’d been burned by women and friends and had his own doubts. Yet this beautiful man had still taken a leap of faith with me—telling me he loved me, rearranging his life to make his fit with mine. I had tons of doubts and fears, but I didn’t doubt his intentions or that he wanted to be with me. And that was because Griffin didn’t just tell me he loved me—he’d shown me in so many ways.

I needed to do the same—show him that I loved him. Taking a deep breath, I decided I wanted to be a lovebird.

“Let’s do it. I’ll go with you on the trip.”

Griffin’s face lit up. “You mean it?”

I nodded. “I’m terrified of what might happen—the panic that might hit me. But I’m more terrified of letting you walk out the door tomorrow without at least trying to make it work. You already have my heart, Griff. If you leave without me, you’ll just be taking it with you, and I’ll be empty inside.”

Griffin grabbed me and pulled me into a bear hug. He spoke with his head buried in my neck. “I love you, baby. Thank you. I promise I’ll do everything in my power to make sure you don’t regret making this decision.”

I knew the words he spoke were true. I just didn’t know if him doing everything in his power was enough to make it work between us.

We’d dropped Hortencia off at the farm that she normally stayed at whenever I was away.

Griffin was packing the SUV he’d rented when I ventured to my room and snuck a phone call in to Doc. I only had a few minutes before we would be taking to the road. Since we planned to drive in the middle of the night, it was late, but I’d told Doc to expect my call.

He picked up on the first ring. “Have you left yet?”

“We’re just about ready to leave. I wanted to touch base before I got into the car.”

“Of course. How are you feeling?”

I breathed into the phone. “Anxious.”

“To be expected . . .”

“After our conversation yesterday, I felt like I owed it to myself to take the chance on this trip, but I’m still wondering if I’m making a huge mistake. It’s a long time to be away from home, several locations . . . a lot of opportunities for disaster . . . I—”

“Luca . . . ,” he interrupted. “What is the number one rule that we always talk about?”

I had to think about it for a moment, then answered, “Staying in the present.”

“Yes. If you stay in the present moment and not go where your mind is trying to lead you, then you will always be safe. There is safety in the now. Right now, you are in your bedroom talking to me. And that is all there really is. Your worries stem from past experiences and fear of the future. Neither the past nor the future is real. Only the present exists. If you stick to this mantra, you will be okay in anything you do. If you can only remember one thing on your trip, remember to stay present. Listen to the sound of the car moving, focus on the raindrops, taste the delicious food that I’m sure Griffin will feed you. Practice those mindfulness tools.”

“Okay. I’ll try. But please be on standby for some calls in case I need you.”

“Always, my dear. And for the record, I’m incredibly proud of you for taking this step.”

Griffin entered the room and smacked his hands together. “Ready, Freddie?”

I nodded. “Okay, Doc. I have to go.”

“Good luck, Luca. If you see any sandhill cranes in Michigan, please take some pictures for me.”

One-track mind.

I chuckled. “Okay. You got it.”

After hanging up, I looked over at Griffin, who seemed to be observing me.

He tilted his head. “You alright, babe?”

My heart was racing, and I felt very cold, which often happened to me when I was really nervous. “Yeah. Just some last-minute panic trying to creep in.”

He wrapped his hands around my waist and spoke close to my mouth. “Ah. Well, I just so happen to have the cure for last-minute panic.”

“Yeah? What is it?”

“I’ve heard that sitting on your lover’s face takes care of it.”

My mouth hung open. “Oh really . . .”

“Yes. It’s called CBFS, actually.”

“CBFS?”

“Cognitive behavioral face-sitting.”

I burst out in laughter. “So how does this work exactly?”

“Well . . . we start to attack your way of thinking by challenging the questions in your mind that cause you fear. Simultaneously, you’re sitting on my face while I work to bring you to orgasm. The eventual realization is that none of the other shit matters—aside from coming on my mouth.”

I laughed. “Ah. Seems like a very specialized therapy. Does one need a degree to administer it?”

“It’s self-taught. In fact, I need some practice, actually. And you look like you could use some CBFS right now. So . . . win-win.”

My brow lifted. “You want me to . . . sit on your face?”

“Car’s all packed. We’re ahead of schedule. I’m thinking that might be a good use of time, yeah.”

I couldn’t argue with that. Maybe an orgasm would do me some good to calm my nerves. But sitting on his face? Wasn’t sure if I was comfortable with that.

He could sense my apprehension. “It’ll calm you down. I promise.”

Griffin lay back on the bed and pulled his shirt over his head. The ripples of muscle on his chest never ceased to amaze me. The tattoo over his tanned skin accentuated the whole package. It never took long to get into the mood with Griffin. All I really had to do was look at him.

His voice was gruff. “Stay right there where you are. Undress yourself slowly while I watch. Start with your bra. I want to see your tits pop out one by one.”

I did as he said, taking my clothing off piece by piece. My nipples puckered as Griffin unbuckled his pants and took out his engorged cock. From where I was standing, I could see the tip was already wet. I licked my lips from the urge to suck on it. He began to pump into his hands as he watched me undress until I was fully naked. I loved how turned on he was; it made me crazy.

“Play with your clit while you watch me jerk myself off.”

I pressed two fingers against my clit and began to rub it in circles. As he ran his tongue along his mouth, I kept thinking about how it was going to feel when it touched me. Getting wetter by the second, I actually had to stop myself from coming. Watching him masturbate, watching his big hand moving up and down his thickness, turned me on so much. This was a first for us. It was an unexpected but welcome monkey wrench thrown into my otherwise stressful evening.

He gestured with his index finger. “Come here.”

I walked, then crawled onto the bed and over to him. He continued to stroke himself as he positioned me over his face. The heat of his mouth between my legs in this position felt foreign—but amazing. His scruff felt prickly against my tender skin. I had never actually sat on a man’s face before. Any potential apprehension was quickly squelched once I became lost in how incredible it felt. There was something very dominating about it, and that made the sensations running through me all that much more intense.

He spoke under me. “Tell me what’s worrying you now, Luca . . .”

Unable to form words, I simply moaned. “Uhhhh . . .”

His mission was accomplished, because my previously overactive brain had turned to mush. Not only could I not remember what I’d been worrying about, but I could barely remember my own name.

My tender clit was throbbing as he continued to lick and suck me while I grabbed onto his head and pushed him harder between my legs.

“Ride me, baby. I love devouring you like this. I can feel everything, taste everything. I’m gonna come so hard.”

His tongue was hitting all my erogenous zones. I couldn’t take it anymore. One of the most powerful orgasms I’d ever had rocketed through my core. With one hand on his cock and one wrapped around my ass, Griffin’s breathing from under me became erratic. I knew he was coming. The muffled sound of his own pleasure vibrated against my sensitive skin.

He licked me gently, his tongue moving in slow circles, as we both recovered.

“That was . . . amazing. I’ve never done that before,” I said, out of breath.

He flipped me over, pinning me under him, his mouth glistening from my arousal. “Another first I get to claim. Just the way I like it.”