ALONG THE ENDLESS RIVER

Paul watched out of his window of the plane as it made its approach on Las Vegas’s McCarron International airport. He had dozed off early in the flight, and had just come to maybe twenty minutes before. It was an afternoon flight, and now dusk was settling on the desert, painting everything in shades of orange, red, and mauve. Planes were the only places he could nap anymore, but he always felt relaxed and refreshed when he woke.

He looked down at his bag beneath the seat in front of him, contemplating pulling it out. Just to check his hotel confirmation, and run through his appointment schedule for tomorrow. It would be two days of cab rides up and down the strip, jumping between meetings on the convention center floor and in hotel rooms, with dinners each night. In his bag – his ‘show bag’ he called it- there was a binder with snapshots for every meeting that his team had prepared, and he thought about starting to run through them now instead of doing it later in the hotel room. But the focus on work just wasn’t there, as his mind was drifting again.

The last two months had been hard to remember. Everything since his trip with RJ to the cabin had just kind of run together in his mind. Before then, he had been consumed with work, using it maybe as a life-preserver to keep him from falling deep into the tangled mess that he and Elizabeth had quickly become. But now, he couldn’t keep a thought in his head for more than a few minutes, it was a constant state of distraction. The trip to cabin had shaken him, and not a moment passed that he wasn’t evaluating his life, his relationships, his faith, his purpose.

The most frequent place his mind wandered was into that web of small crimes and strained courtesies that was his marriage over the last year. It was hard to tell where it had begun to change, or who really was to blame. Perhaps nothing had ever really changed- just evolved- and perhaps there was no blame to be placed on anyone.

Elizabeth had always been a high maintenance person. She expected attention, expected to control situations, expected things to meet her extensive expectations. When they had first met, this incredible sense of entitlement had been exotic to Paul, foreign and attractive in a way that had made him feel incredibly alive. She was this beautiful girl, who just seemed to walk on air; knowing that somebody would open every door, pick up every check. It was the ultimate challenge to him, and he had pursued her with a single-minded passion that he had never known before.

She had been funny too, and fun. Their first dates had been spent laughing and talking about things that he had never really talked about with anyone before. She was fearlessly confident, and they joked naturally together about things that he had always considered private. There was a physical attraction, too, that was undeniable. They had made love at his campus apartment within a month of meeting each other, both of them wanting to wait but just not really able to. They were planets on a collision course, bound to smash into each other. There was no denying it, it was fate and it was love.

Those days were happy and exciting, the nights wild and unpredictable. Elizabeth liked to drink it up, as did her brother RJ, and they formed quite a crew that could turn any bar into a party scene. Some nights they would both have too much to drink, and the fights that ensued were as passionate as the daily sessions they spent in bed together. One particular fight erupted with Elizabeth flinging a picture frame at his head in his apartment and ended with him chasing her, both in their underwear, down the street and into a crowded intersection. But, they always kissed and made up, and when Paul looked at those crazy times now, he smiled and laughed at just how wild they had been.

Elizabeth had been guarded at first with Paul. Her mom had passed away when she was fifteen, and there was anger and fear that simmered beneath the exterior with her. In time, both the anger and the fear began to surface in their relationship. Although her father had treated like a princess, and she often acted like one, Elizabeth was really just scared to get close or open up to anyone. It was easier for her to keep people at arm’s length by acting like she was above it. The truth was, she was scared. As she and Paul began to fall deeper in love, she found that she could be vulnerable with him, that it was safe. He understood, his childhood had been spent in a house where good was never good enough, and the anger from it had built a wall inside him that no one was allowed past. Once Elizabeth let him in, he let her in, and the two became absolutely inseparable.

After school, they made it official and were married on a beautiful Saturday in July. Her father had been wary of Paul at first, but he grew on him. By the time the man passed away, he was as much of a father to Paul as his own dad had been. He was a hard drinking, often difficult man, but he had reserves of love inside him that were limitless. He would have done absolutely anything for Elizabeth and RJ, and once Paul became part of the family, he became part of the man’s circle of fierce, fearless love.

Their life together was the most natural thing Paul had ever known. They eased into the married life effortlessly, as if they had been married already for years. Of course ,there were arguments and adjustments, but the fact was that they loved each other so much that they could never go to bed angry in those days. Every fight or disagreement was settled before they blew the candles out, and often times the peacemaking was reached through lovemaking.

The early years- before the kids- had been filled with travel, partying, and fast times. Elizabeth held down a job at a marketing company, while Paul maneuvered his way up the sales ladder. But the work was really just means to an end for them, their true pursuit was making an extension of those carefree college days, only doing it as a team. There were fun trips with friends to the Super Bowl, Miami, Las Vegas, and the Bahamas. Everything seemed possible then, and they couldn’t wait to do it all together.

Then, after a while, Elizabeth began to get the itch for children, and that too just seemed like another adventure. Getting pregnant had been so easy for them. Elizabeth kept herself in terrific shape and once she decided it was time to start trying for a baby, they barely had to practice at all to get it right. Once she was pregnant, she left her job, never to return and Paul naturally took the reigns as the sole provider. They never really discussed the impacts, like almost everything else, it just sort of happened. But once Jacob arrived , the pressure within Paul amped up to levels he had never experienced before. Suddenly, he felt terrified of failure, and the expectations that Elizabeth had always had started to seem higher and higher, and then unreasonable.

He blamed himself for the stress he created. He knew that she had not really changed, but rather, it was he who was feeling the pressures of responsibility and magnifying the things he felt were his to deliver to his family. Paul had grown up being told that he just wasn’t quite good enough, and now those old feelings came back at every turn, as he looked upon himself as a father, as a provider. It didn’t help matters that Elizabeth would not budge in her demand that everything for the children was the best of the best, the most expensive they could afford. In truth, Paul loved her for being so unwavering in her commitment to their family, but once Mallory followed Jacob and there were now three people to take care of, the pressure of every one of Elizabeth’s requests for shopping money or private schools began to fill him was a sense of dread that he was destined to fail them spectacularly.

So he pushed himself harder than ever at work, pushing himself to ever increasing income levels and appropriately demanding levels of professional expectations. The field of sales was a natural fit for him, and he found it the perfect outlet for his growing obsession with constantly pushing for more. But somewhere along the way, he could see a rift forming within his marriage. As he delivered more, Elizabeth just naturally expected more, and the pressure he was creating and then placing on himself, made him silently resent her demands. There was never a question that he loved her, he could never love anyone else but her, but as the children grew and the cars got nicer, the house got bigger, he found himself looking across at his partner and wondering why she could not settle for less. But, it really wasn’t Elizabeth who was pushing for more, it was he who had created the expectations he thought she had- and then, ultimately took those made up expectations as some sort of insult to the life he was providing. He knew it was his mind that was driving the wedge between them, but rather than solve it, he pretended it wasn’t there as much as possible and slowly began to use alcohol to rub away the pain.

The drinking was a temporary relief, a distraction or release valve from the pressure. The fact was, Elizabeth had picked up her own drinking habit again once the children were in school, and the idea that Paul had been steadily boozing away his stress for a solid five years didn’t seem to strike her as problematic. She rolled with it, and he just kept his foot on the gas at work and his hand on the bottle on the weekend. With the kid’s lives becoming increasingly busy, they just honed their craft – Paul taking on a VP of Sales role with the company, and Elizabeth finding joy in spending like a VP’s wife. Shoes, furniture, cars, and jewelry- she had never needed any help in finding ways to make the hard earned money vaporize.

And it had just continued that way, just gone on and on, as he watched his life play out in front of him. Jacob and Mallory were the joy of his world, the absolute center of everything that mattered. But his work had become joyless, his health wasn’t what it should be due to fifteen years of often boozed up salesman life, and his beautiful wife and he were nowhere near where they started. Small crimes, strained courtesies. It was all they were made of lately.

Sitting there in his seat, staring out at the lights of the Las Vegas strip coming into view, Paul made a decision. He made a decision that he would not live that way any longer. Once upon a time, he had met a girl who made him realize that his dreams could come true, that he could find happiness in a world he had thought was just bullshit and disappointment. Now, for whatever reason, his trip to RJ’s cabin had made him want her back. He wanted his wife, his marriage, his world to get back to the center and he was ready now to do whatever he had to do.

As the wheels of the plane rubbed the runway, he slipped his hand into his sports-coat and felt for his phone. The lights inside the plane came on as the crew welcomed them to beautiful Las Vegas, and Paul studied the screen of his blackberry. He always called when he landed, but tonight would be a little different. He pulled up Elizabeth’s cell number and dialed.

“Hey, are you on the ground?“, she answered.

“Yeah, we just touched down. How are Jake and Mal?”

“Just doing homework as we speak, hopefully things are sinking in. I asked both of them to keep off of their phones tonight.” She sounded tired again.

“Baby, I want to tell you that I love you and I have been thinking about us.”

“Have you been drinking already? On the flight?“. There was irritation in her voice.

“No. I just need to tell you because its been a long time coming. I think its my fault, I am pretty sure it is.”

“Paul, what are you talking about?“, she said , sounding even more irritated now.

“What I am talking about is that I love you and I miss you. I don’t tell you enough, I don’t show you enough, and I want that to change.”

She was caught off guard a little, but the irritation had yielded to minor amusement. She was thinking he had been drinking on the flight for sure now.

“I love you too Paul. I want you to have a safe trip.”

He was leaning into the window now, covering his hand as he spoke. The Indian guy in the seat next to him was getting ready to deplane, and wouldn’t have to listen to hard to hear everything that was being said.

“Elizabeth, things are going to be different. I am done playing the part, playing the game we have been playing. I want things between us to be the way they were. ”

There was a brief silence, as she was likely trying to figure out just what he was getting at.

“OK...you are starting to scare me a little bit. Whats going on with you?”

More than anything, he wanted to be there right in front of her at that moment. He wanted to look into those beautiful brown eyes and tell her that he was talking from his heart, he wanted to hold her hand in his and make sure she knew he meant it. But that wasn’t going to happen, he had to tell her over the phone, sitting on a runway in dirty Las Vegas where two days of meetings and thousands of miles sat wedged between them. But he had to tell her, he had to tell her now.

“I have just been thinking, like I said. About us, mostly. And I want you to know that I accept everything, I accept who you are and what we have become, and my role in it. But I love you ,Elizabeth, and as I accept it I also want it to change. I want to start a new chapter, no more holding back, no more looking the other way. I love you and I want us to be the best we can be to each other.”

More silence. He hoped he wasn’t freaking her out completely. Lately, she had approached any sincerity from him with a mix of alarm and annoyance.

“Well, that would be nice. I don’t know where this is coming from, but that would be very nice Paul. I also don’t know what a new chapter means, but I think we should be the best we can to each other.”

“I have two days out here, and then I am coming home and we are going to get started. I am going to show you what I mean. I love you and I will call from the hotel later and we can talk some more.”

They said goodbye and hung up, and Paul slipped his phone back into the inside pocket of his jacket. He gathered up his bag from under the seat in front of him and removed his carry on form the bin over his head. The warm, desert air wafted in as the plane’s exit door opened and then nestled up to the jet-way. It was less than 60 hours and he would be home. All he needed to do now was get through the next two days and then he and Elizabeth could start over, again.

After a quick shower and unpacking of his suitcase, Paul sat down on his bed in his underwear and a T-shirt to call Elizabeth again. There were things that he wanted to say, but their last call and the shower had cooled his head a bit. He kept the goodnight call brief and positive, and if anything he clipped it closed when he sensed a little fatigue in her voice. Then, he was alone in the still hotel room, staring at his laptop and wondering if he was going to get motivated enough to spend a couple of hours working to stay ahead before the meetings began in the morning.

After reading a few emails, he looked over at the clock. It was still so early for Las Vegas. Paul knew Vegas was a trap and a cesspool, but the room was quiet enough to let his mind wander. Before he even knew what had happened, he was fully dressed in jeans and a button down, fixing his hair in the bathroom mirror, and stuffing his room keycard into his wallet. Just an hour or so at the tables, he would walk around a little bit, unwind, and then get a good night’s sleep.

Down on the gaming floor of the casino, a familiar scene played out all around him. Paul kept to himself as he cruised through the rows of slot machines, past the lounges and restaurants that ringed the main floor areas. The groups were always the same- businessmen, both American and Japanese, over-aged frat boy types huddled up around black jack tables, young couples playing $5 a roll roulette. There was a peace in being the loner, holding a low profile and just walking amongst the crowd.

After a few minutes, Paul settled in at a three-card poker table and bought $600 worth of chips. He started playing $20 hands, and within ten minutes his luck for the evening was evident. He hit two flushes in a row, then a few hands later a three of a kind. In 30 minutes he had doubled his money and raced through the two Makers Mark and Cokes that the waitress had brought him. The juices were flowing. Paul made the decision to press on, feeling like something good was in the cards this evening. Just another 30 minutes, win or lose, and he would head up and call it a night.

An hour later and Paul found himself in the enviable position of sitting with a stack of nearly $2500 in chips and having enough bourbon coursing through his veins to be completely bullet-proof. Another hand, now $50 per, another straight, another win, another drink. The dealer appreciated the $20 tip that followed, the waitress appreciated her $20 tip, and Paul could not even feel the eyes of the girl in the sparkly blue top behind him as he tilted his glass again to good luck and made another bet. She was watching his movements slowing down from the alcohol, as the stack of black chips in front of him grew taller and taller.

The roll continued for another half hour, and suddenly it wasn’t so early anymore. Paul also wasn’t so alone anymore, as the girl in the sparkly top had settled in to the seat next to him, playing the minimum $10 per hand and trying to make small talk with the dealer. She had light caramel-colored skin, with a big smile and wavy dark hair. Puerto Rican, maybe, with a hint of an East Coast accent. She turned her head away from Paul, and he looked over at her profile. Her neck was long and beautiful, her skin was smooth, and the gold hoop earrings she wore just kind of floated against her. She turned back and their eyes met for an instant, hers sparkling against the eyeliner she wore.

Her name was Gabbi, with an “I”. She loved Las Vegas because of the “energy” and before he knew it, Paul was standing in line with her at the cashier. His mind was getting fuzzy now, and he couldn’t really remember much of getting up from the table , aside from leaving the dealer with a final $100 tip. It had been a grand gesture, and Gabbi had giggled excitedly in his ear “Oh My God, you just tipped him like $100”. He remembered that part, the purr of arousal in her voice.

He took $3370, mostly in large bills , from the cashier and turned to face Gabbi as he stuffed the money in a wad in his front jeans pocket. He was definitely hammered now, and she looked beautiful there, just grinning at him innocently like this was her first night ever in Las Vegas. She was a like a big portrait, all tangles of hair, wet smiling teeth, and girlish enthusiasm. She actually liked being around him, he thought.

“What do you want to do now? Are you going to keep gambling or are you going to party?“, she asked , kind of dipping her head to make sure he was paying attention.

“Lets get another drink, I am buying,” Paul said with a grin of his own.

An hour later Paul stumbled to his room and fumbled the card key out of his wallet. After several attempts, he slid it through the reader slot and piled himself through the door. In less than a minute, he was passed out face down on the bed, his brain ravaged by the lights and sounds of the casino and the poison of the bourbon.

He woke up at 530 AM, still face down, still fully clothed on the bed. He checked his front pocket with his right hand, feeling the large wad still in place. Pictures rushed back to his mind, and he remembered now being at the bar with Gabbi, her running her hand up his thigh and asking him if he wanted to take their party upstairs. He had declined, politely, and closed out the tab – leaving her free to pursue some other quarry.

The guilt that is known only to heavy drinkers began to settle in on him now. It was a rising feeling of self-loathing that made him want to punch himself in the head, to smash the mirrors in the hotel room. What the fuck was he thinking? The gambling. The booze. Worst of all was cutting it so close with some girl working the casino. Things could have been so much worse. The annals of Lost Vegas nights are filled with stories of businessmen who let down their guard and were taken down terrible roads by dwellers who called the Strip home.

Physically, the lack of sleep, dry air, and alcohol had taken their toll. His brain felt like the ground site after a huge explosion. Everything was leveled flat, quiet, hazy. His head thumped almost mechanically, and his eyes felt like they were glued half shut. Completely disgusted he began peeling his clothes off, turning the shower up to a steam inducing heat. He loosely cleared his bowels in the toilet and a waft of liquor rose up from the bowl as he stood up to flush. He shook his head and cursed himself again, and then stepped in the searing heat of the shower to begin washing away his sins.

With the hot water crashing down on his skull, Paul kept his eyes closed and gathered his thoughts. The day that lie ahead was relatively important for business, and he would have to shake the hung over feeling of despair that hovered about him like a shroud. He could not face clients with red eyes, he had to get the smell of bourbon off of him, and he had to get his mind in a positive state. He started to think about the good things, the things in his life that he had not yet squandered or ruined. Jake, Mal, maybe a coming second act with Elizabeth. Everything was still intact there.

The secret was to not look back. Marshall your strength, gather your forces and press forward with not a single step in reverse. The road could be an easy place to lose your way, but you were only really lost if you stayed on that dark side of the road. All he had to do was pull himself together with the mouthwash, Visine, and coffee in his room and get back on the right side of the road.

By noon, he was skipping between appointments , completely absolved of his sins from the night before. There was no lingering guilt or dirty feelings he needed to brush aside. Just another trip to Vegas, just another wasted night. Instead he found himself wondering about the things that were lying juts on the horizon, most notably the big Kentucky-Louisville football with RJ. Has RJ been with him the night before, who nows how bad his hangover would have been. Yes, there was plenty to look forward to indeed and the days ahead were filled with promise and hope.