novelxo Chapter 96
Jayden’s POV
Finally, the car halts in front of Isabella's place after three stops away from here before I could summon up the courage to ask Jude to drive me here.
Those stops were for two reasons; to get some gift for her and to muster up the courage to come here to see her after several months of being apart.
I still don't know what I am here to say but I feel it's high time we talked. It's time I stopped being a coward and talk to her about it, about everything.
writing all my thoughts and mistakes down for her to read won't solve anything. I need to be man enough to face her, accept my mistake, and apologize for all I have done.
Staring down at the box, the flower, and the package beside me, I come down from the car with them to go in with itas a present for Isabella.
on second thought, I feel it is wrong for me to do this when I haven't apologized to her properly. I turn back to Jude and stretch the things towards him.
“You will take it inside when I am back, ok?" I say to him and he nods.
I twirl round, tuck in my tie, and adjust my well-tailored Italian suit which I specifically pick out to wear today for no reason before taking slow strides towards the front door, my heart hammering wildly in my ribcage.
I should put an end to all of this tonight. The heartache. The misunderstanding and the hatred she feels for me.
I might hate children but I would never hate my own child. Besides, that was just a philosophy I created on my own. Apparently, I didn't hate on children. I just find the thought of them troubling as well as the thought of losing them disheartening.
Helena and I had a lot of plans for our baby boy. A crib was already built for him and Helena did a lot of shopping for his arrival.
I saw the shopaholic side of Helena when she got pregnant. She didn't shop for herself but mostly for the baby.
When they died, I got rid of everything in anger and frustration. I hated the idea of a crib. I hated the sight of any embroidered pajamas she got for him or any other thing that has that small feature of a little boy who should have been my first fruit and heir.
it didn’t happen and it left me broken.
I don't realize I am already at the doorstep with my head bowed and tears rolling down my eyes unconsciously until the door is flung upon me.
“Jayden?” Her voice makes me look up instantly and I feel the wetness on my face.
She doesn't comment about my tears but her face is expressionless.
Quickly, I look down and wipe my face, feeling embarrassed for being caught doing this.
What the hell is wrong with me?
“What are you doing here?” Her hostile voice jerks me out of my reverie once again and I look back up.
Her hair is tied in a messy bun, she is wearing a big trouser and a big blouse and she looks like she is about to go out for a walk.
“Can I come in?"
“No, I'm going out’, she says and closes the door after stepping on the porch.
“Please, we need to talk. Just give me a few minutes and I promise to leave after 'm done here. Please, Isabella."
I want to say a lot in one breath but I can't. We can't continue this way. Our child is about to come into the world and we can't welcome him with this hostility between us.
What I feel for Isabella is the opposite of hostility but I am sure she hates me so much. Her expression says it all. I hurt her deeply and she might never be able to forgive me.
Hesitantly, she opens the door again and walks in, leaving the door open for me to follow. I enter to see that Grandma isn't around and I wonder where she is.
I wonder if they have been able to clear up the air between each other. Isabella and Grandma. Grandma is mad at her for running off without thinking of the consequences of her actions.
I never knew Isabella could be stubborn but I know I am responsible. She was submissive, calm, responsible, caring, and attentive as well as hardworking but I took all of that away with my behavior which pushed her further into the opposite side of her behavior.
I regret all my actions and I hope she forgives me.
This is not entirely my fault but the fault of the notion in my head. The belief is that my vow to Helena is valid and I can indeed live a good life sticking to their vow.
“Can you be fast about it? I'm late for my evening walk already”, she is standing with folded arms,
“Let's sit, please", I plead with my eyes. She stares at me for a while before complying.
It's surprising how things could turn around and I am the one getting scared of saying what I have in mind to Isabella when she used to be this way.
Always scared of me. Trembling when in my presence.
I sit a bit far from her on the sofa and silence ensues. I am thinking of where to begin.
“Did you get my letter?” I ask calmly, not looking at her. I dread the hatred I see in her eyes and I want to avoid seeing it again for the main time.
“Not” She says sharply and my gut tells me she is lying. She isn't good at lying at all.
I nod anyway. “Ym here to apologize for hurting you, believe me, it wasn't my intention.”
I am thinking she will cut me short and shout at me. But she is quiet, fuming in silence.
“I thought I was doing the right thing. I know I was obsessed with the contract but that was because I thought it was the right thing to do. For almost two years, I haven't felt the genuine happiness I felt when we were together and I miss that. It took me six months to realize what a fool I was and it took me losing a major deal to realize that being hardworking isn't what makes me happy, but you”
“Believe it or not, I was happy.” I stop, thinking of what else to say. What else do I need to say?
“Ym sorry I insulted you. I'm sorry I didn't find you on time. 'm sorry you had to live in that apartment alone with my baby.” “Hey!” She stops me, snapping her head towards me with tears brimming in her eyes and anger. “Did you just say your baby?” She laughs out, throwing her head backward but I know better than to think of this as a hearty laughter.
itis anger-filled.
“This baby is mine alone, not yours so get out of here right this minute before I do something rash.”
“Isabella.”
“You are done talking, aren't you?” She peers down at me. “I would have allowed you to go on and on till you are tired of splurting those rubbish if you hadn't mentioned my child. This child is mine alone to rear”
“Don't say that...”
“Have you forgotten so soon?" She begins to shout. “You have forgotten so soon how you made disgusting faces whenever you see your own first cousins? You hated them and you expect me to believe that you won't do the same thing to my child? What about sex? You said it was a mistake, didn't you? What then does that make the pregnancy that resulted from that sx? A mistake as well
“That's bullshit!” I find myself standing up and yelling.
“You are the bullshit. The marriage was a bullshit. Meeting you was bullshit. Everything about you is bullshit!” She retorts back sharply, as if expecting my outburst.
I realize what I have done and I fall to the sofa again, my face in between my palms.
Why can't I just get control of my emotions? This is too hard on me.
“We are done talking, get out...”
“Isabella, I asked you to forgive me. If I am not sorry for my mistakes, I won't ask for your forgiveness. I know I am not perfect but you shouldn't have run off that way without even knowing about what I think of your pregnancy. Do you even know if I was secretly wishing for a baby too?"
She does not reply, she is only avoiding my gaze.
“My fear was losing you. I didn’t want to lose you. I didn't want to lose the baby too. I didn’t want to go through another traumatic section of having a baby and then losing him again. Do you even know what it feels like to lose two people you love so much in just a day? There are a lot of things that are beyond the ordinary, Isabella. Just because I said all those things doesn’t mean I actually meant it and there are a lot of ways to figure out if what is said is truly meant”
Silence creeps in.
I stand up eventually. I am done here. I should give her space. I should have known that today won't solve everything. it will take time for her to assimilate everything and find a place in her heart to forgive me.
“am not here to force you into anything. I came here to ask for your forgiveness and to tell you that I want this baby and I can't wait for its arrival. This baby means the world to me. You mean the world to me too."
Her chest heaves up and down as she slowly turns her back to me.
I guess I should go before she burst into tears. I have said enough for tonight.
Quietly, I walk to the door.
Before I can go out, I remember she lied to me about not receiving any letter.
Without turning my back, I say to her. “You should read the letter I left at your doorstep in Paris. Everything that happened to me is in there. Every single thing that I can't say because of how much it hurts as well as the real reason behind my actions and utterances of hating children. I do not hate them. So read that letter, please."
With that said, I walk out and slam the door shut.
This way, she can cry alone without being embarrassed that I would see her crying for me.
For what we had.