A Very Furry Christmas

"Get your head in the game, Lewis!" The coach was apoplectic on the sidelines as Jason let the puck and the opposition slide past him unchallenged.

He'd been telling himself the same thing all night. In fact, he hadn't been himself since the disastrous dinner with Caitlin. Not even his attempt at transferring her punishment to his sub had put her out of his mind. Lydia had been only too eager to be back in his favor and hadn't asked questions about the late-night session he'd requested. He'd gone through the motions, but he simply hadn't felt it the way he usually did. It was Caitlin he'd wanted tied up, submissive and willing for him to dominate her. He wanted to teach her a lesson about what it meant to tease him. Except she wasn't his to command. Even if she was, he shouldn't have the feelings about her he had. Until now he hadn't given much thought to the women he accommodated in his playroom. They were playthings and he was their master. Although Caitlin wasn't his submissive, he knew beyond all doubt that's what he wanted. He'd sent her away in the knowledge the two areas of his life shouldn't cross over. She was the light and he had only darkness to offer her in return. Even if she by some miracle agreed to become part of that lifestyle it couldn't work. Not when he had feelings for her. A desire to protect and love her seemed a direct contrast to what he did in private.

"Goal!" The arena went wild around him as the home team took the lead. No thanks to him. It was a relief when the whistle went to signal the end of the game. If it had gone on to extra time there was a serious risk he would've screwed things up, letting the opposition slip past him again when his mind was elsewhere. Somewhere where no other substitute was capable of satiating his appetite.

****

Caitlin had finished a long shift at the hospital. It was dark and the air frosty, but she'd decided to walk home rather than take the bus tonight. Shannon had invited her out on the town for "Dinner, drinks and whatever other D comes your way."

She had politely declined even though some fun was much needed in her world right now. The thought of the Christmas parties going on in the bars and restaurants full of heaving bodies all packed into tight spaces, music blaring, simply wasn't something she was looking forward to. A night in front of the TV with a family-sized bar of chocolate and a bottle of wine was what she wanted.

That's what dumped women did to overcome their heartache wasn't it? Except she couldn't even call Jason an ex. What they'd had was brief, explosive and purely physical. The minute it had begun to look like something else he'd physically ejected her from his life. Perhaps it had been too good to be true after all. Something as passionate and fiery as they'd found together was destined to burn out as quickly as it had flared into life. The thought didn't bring her anymore solace. Not when so many questions remained unanswered.

What had she said or done to make him react the way he had? Who was that woman and which of them had he actually been cheating with? It didn't sit well that she could've possibly been the other woman. Bundled out of the house before his partner came home and discovered her. Either way, Caitlin decided she was the one who'd been wronged, not Jason. If nothing else she deserved an apology. Perhaps then she might stop obsessing over what had happened. What they'd done together before everything had gone so very wrong.

She found herself drawn to the lights at the ice arena. Somewhere she associated with the man who'd walked into her life and turned it upside down within a matter of days. There was a stream of cars leaving the carpark, headlights blinding her. The pavement was crammed with people heading towards her, all dressed the same, so it looked as though she was about to get caught up in the wave of blue hockey jerseys and carried back towards the city center. Game night, she surmised and dodged onto the road to avoid the crowds. She hadn't known. Yet she carried on walking against the hoard, towards the stadium, with no intention of backing away simply because this was Jason's ground. She had a right to walk where she liked. This was her city, not his. With any luck he'd get transferred next season somewhere far away and she'd never have to think about him ever again.

The exits were still emptying out a steady flow of supporters as she walked past. Caitlin hurried on, pulling up the hood of her coat against the icy wind now blowing into her face. She disappeared around the side of the building where it was darker, less populated but just as cold.

"Why didn't you just get the bus you stupid cow?" She cursed herself out loud knowing fine well why she hadn't. Some silly notion that this would somehow bring her closer to him or at least remind her what he'd done so she could stop mooning over him.

"Caitlin? Is that you?" The sound of his voice stopped her in her tracks, and she wondered if she'd imagined it on the swirl of the wind around her.

She turned to find the man himself walking out of the side door, gym bag slung high on his shoulder. His hair was wet. Just out of the shower she mused, then cursed herself for imagining the scene.

"Why would it matter?" She started walking again before she started worrying he'd catch a cold going outside with his hair still wet. It wasn't any of her business. He could catch pneumonia and die, and she shouldn't care after the way he'd treated her. He was nothing to her and she, nothing to him. That had been made quite clear to her when she'd been dismissed like a hooker he'd grown tired of and replaced before the end of the night.

"Were you at the game?" He ignored her slight and attempt to dodge him, catching up with her in a couple of strides.

"No. I'm on my way home from work."

"Ah, right. We won."

"Good for you." She tried to hurry away from him, tired of polite small talk when they both knew they hadn't parted on good terms.

"Caitlin, wait." He grabbed her by the arm, his strong fingers digging into her flesh regardless of the thick padded coat she wore.

"What for? So you can humiliate me some more? You threw me out of your house, you bastard." All the anger and hurt which had been brewing inside her for days was now bubbling up close to the surface. Thankfully, there were no witnesses around to see or hear the details of his brutal rejection.

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At least he had the good grace to hang his head in shame. "I'm sorry I acted the way I did. I could've handled things better."

"What things? What on earth could I have done to justify your brutish behavior?" She rubbed at her arm where he'd left his latest mark.

"See? This is why we can't be together. Fuck! I'm sorry." He gestured towards the arm she was massaging, then covered his face with his hands. "I'm sorry."

"You're not making any sense, Jason." This wasn't the showdown she'd expected when she'd thought about running into him. He seemed genuinely sorry but insisting they were over regardless. She didn't even know why she was still listening.

"I would only have ended up hurting you. More than I already have."

"Is this about the woman I saw coming out of your apartment? You're with someone. I get it. Save your apologies for someone who cares and don't cheat in future." With a tilt of her chin, she turned away. Determined to end this as the better person and the one to have the last word on the subject.

"That's not...she's not...Oh, hell, Caitlin will you just stop and talk to me." His voice echoed along the narrow street, pleading with her to hear him out. It would serve him right if she kept on walking and didn't look back. However, that was never going to get her the answers she was looking for. She couldn't hear his heavy footsteps following behind her anymore and knew the ball was in her court. It was her decision if this ended here and now or not.

"What? What can you possibly have to say that I want to hear?" Curiosity and a bruised heart demanded she at least give him a few more minutes of her time. As she halted her journey again to face him, Jason jogged towards her. "The woman you saw...she's no one."

"That doesn't make me feel any better knowing you chucked me out to entertain a 'no one'."

"No, I mean, we're not serious. It's very casual."

"You call her up when you're horny...that still doesn't cast me in a good light. Why wasn't I enough for you?" Her voice was pathetically small and wobbly. So far, the answers she was getting weren't very flattering from someone who was apparently keen to set things straight with her.

"It's not you-"

"Don't insult me by finishing that sentence. I know it's you that has the problem. It might help us both if you'd explain exactly what it is."

"I have a dark side, Caitlin. A dark, sexual side." He had that intense look in his eye she'd seen that night in his apartment just before everything got crazy. That glint of danger reflected in the moonlight, yet she wasn't afraid of him. Whatever the big, dark secret was, he'd made it clear he wouldn't hurt her. For some reason, and ignoring his track record, she was inclined to believe him.

"You like it rough? I know that. I kinda liked it." That time at the hospital had been fast and furious, unrelenting, but he hadn't hurt her. He'd only done that when he'd sent her home in disgrace.

"That didn't even come close to what I'm talking about. The girl you saw, she's into the same things. I stupidly thought she could give me what I daren't ask of you but being with her didn't even come close to how I felt when we were together." He reached out a hand towards her as though he was about to cup her face in his palm, then dropped it as he seemed to think better of the idea.

"You're still talking in riddles. I thought we'd both shared our kinks that night at my place. If there's something else couldn't you have least talked to me about it before inviting a replacement into your bed?"

"I wish it was simple as that." He gave her a half smile. "That night at your place was merely child's play. How can I explain this...you're all soft toys and fluffy bunnies. Whereas I'm about whips and chains and the pleasure of pain." The hard edge to his voice was no doubt intended to frighten her, but her pulse quickened, arousal shot through her veins as she imagined him tying her up again.

"My thing is polar bears, actually, but I'm willing to expand my preferences." She chose her words deliberately to let him know she might be open to new ideas and experiences. It was either that or lose him for good. After seeing him again tonight she knew that wasn't what she wanted. Despite everything, she still wanted him. Pathetic, perhaps, but it wasn't often she found that connection with a man and it wasn't easy to forget about as she'd recently discovered. "You have no idea what you'd be agreeing too, Caitlin. The lifestyle is not for the fainthearted."

"Will you stop making decisions on my behalf? If you at least give me an idea of what it is I'd be expected to participate in I could make my own mind up on the subject, thank you." At least she was getting some sort of explanation as to what had happened. It hadn't been down to anything she'd done. Rather, something he was afraid she wouldn't do. Her curiosity and want for him again was bigger than her dented ego.