A Pinch of Cinnamon

Nick’s POV

I’m nervous. The churning in my stomach is making me sick and my whole body seems tight with anxiety. I feel physically sick.

How will she take it? Will she say yes, or will she hate the idea?

I just can’t take it anymore. Almost every night, I have to drag myself away from Spencer. I hate leaving.

I want to stay.

But I didn’t want to overstep my bounds. It’s been two glorious weeks since our date and things have been going very well.

I decided (though she protested) to be her unpaid farm hand and help either with chores or watching Jayden. Spencer hates taking the help, but I know she loves having me there and is much less stressed. Even my parents have noticed a weight has lifted off her shoulders. She smiles more and is sleeping better. I’ve spent the night a handful of times. We haven’t taken that final step in intimacy yet, but I can tell Spencer is more comfortable and we have done plenty of other stuff. Here’s hoping she will be comfortable enough soon.

I would wait forever for her but every time we are together, my raging hard on tends to be painful, even if she helps me out. Just having her soft, supple body next to mine gets me hard in seconds. All my mind can think about is sinking into her and feeling that connection between us.

I would spend every second with her if I could.

During this two-week period, we have been able to shear the sheep and sell the wool and we have started to breed the cattle. Spencer decided to buy a new bull since hers is past his prime. He should arrive in the next few days.

Jayden also seems to love me being there. He loves when we have “lessons” and I teach him things I think would be important for him to know. He will start preschool soon and both Spencer and I want him to have a head start. He always wants me or both of us to tuck him in at night and when we watch tv, he always snuggles into my lap.

I always catch Spencer’s soft, adoring smile when she sees us together.

The times I leave are hard on us all, but we don’t talk about it. I can see the disappointment and sadness in Spencer’s eyes and Jayden gets sad as well. I usually try and leave when he is asleep, so he won’t have a meltdown.

I’m not sure why we haven’t talked about this. We all hate not being together but maybe Spencer thinks it’s just too soon. I would have moved in the second she accepted being my girlfriend, but I didn’t want to freak her out.

In the times I’m alone, I can really think. About us, the future, even myself. I’ve never had this sort of connection with someone.

Even with my ex-wife, I enjoyed time apart from her when I went on business trips. It was like a mini vacation, a time to decompress. Now, I see how truly unhappy I was, and I just never put it together.

When I’m away from Spence a piece of my soul is missing. A longing tugs at my chest any time I’m without her.

My body feels heavy, I think about her constantly and I can never sleep without her next to me. Often, I feel so lonely and my heart cracks and clenches from missing her that I end up scrolling through pictures we have taken together. It makes me feel better seeing her amazing smile and that it’s always pointed towards me. It relaxes me just enough until I can see her the next morning. It was in these moments, that I realized I was completely head over heels, infatuated, and deeply in love with Spencer.

I know she feels similar, at least in regard to me leaving. On nights I’m not with her, she tends to text me until she falls asleep. And in the morning, she always looks tired but immediately relaxes when she sees me. On days I spend the night she immediately snuggles up to me and sleeps contently. We both do. We need to sort this out before it becomes worse. It’s not healthy for any of us. I need to tell her how I feel. Maybe then I can broach the moving in subject.

Today, I’m out running errands for the farm. The bull is supposed to be delivered tomorrow and he will be quarantined in a section away from the cows for a few weeks before we let him mingle with the herd. I need to get an extra water trough and feed bin as well as a tent he can use as an enclosure.

My phone lights up, ringing Spencer’s ringtone. She probably has another thing to add to the list.

“Hey, baby.” Silence greeted me.

“Hello? Spence?” I began to hear sniffles and sobs in the background.

Ok, now I’m starting to freak out a bit.

“Spencer!” My heart starts beating faster.

“Da-daddy!” My heart lurched in my chest hearing Jayden’s broken voice on the other end. I barely even registered that he called me daddy.

“Jayden! Buddy what’s wrong? Where’s momma?” My heart galloped away in my chest; I could almost not hear Jayden with the blood rushing through my ears in a dull roar.

“Momma....wo-won’t w-w-wake u-up.” He starts bawling on the end of the line. I drop everything in my hands and run to the front of the store.

What the hell is going on? She was fine when I left two hours ago!

“Hold on buddy. I’m coming. Tell me what happened.” I race to the cash register and frantically tell the cashier to call 9-1-1 and send them to the ranch. Wordlessly, he grabs the phone and dials. Without a second glance I race to my truck, slamming it into drive and peeling out of the parking lot.

“Jayden, buddy you need to tell me what’s happening!” I try to keep the franticness out of my voice, so I don’t scare him further. “I know you are scared bud but what happened to mommy?” Faintly, I can hear sirens behind me, but I know I will reach the farm first. I’m already breaking several laws while simultaneously trying to avoid any other cars. It’s times like these I’m thankful this small town has almost no traffic.

“Won’t wake u-up!” Jay repeats through broken sobs.

“Where is she buddy?” I’m trying to keep my tears at bay. I’m terrified. I’m trying to keep myself from thinking the worst but only hearing from a three-year-old who is scared out of his mind doesn’t help my thought process.

“Th-the yard. M-mommy got r- run over by cow.” What? A cow? The only cow we have in the yard hasn’t even arrived yet.

Unless.

No.

They delivered the bull a goddamn day early! I should have been there!

If that bull got her......I can’t think of that. I can barely see through the tears blurring my eyes.

I can’t lose her. I haven’t even told her I loved her yet!