A Love Restored

Chapter 145

I nod, getting up off the floor and climbing on the bed, hurriedly getting dressed while he stared at me, fixing himself up. I sit down cross legged on the edge of the bed. It had been hat when Julian had fucked me like that, all rough and dominating, but now my chest is filling up with this uncomfortable cold, like a draft had settled inside of me and is refusing to leave, slowly filling me up. I do like when he was rough with me, but I don’t know, that time it just made me feel small and worthless, I like when I feel submissive, but I don’t want to feel small.

You know what this signifies, darlin?” filian leans in close to me, and takes my moon pendant between his fingers, toying with it. That I belong to you.” I whisper.

He sits down beside me and pulls me to him, engulfing me in his arms. It is nice, soft and warm and protective. But it isn’t comforting. That’s right.” He says I smuggle into his chest, breathing in his scent. No matter what happens, I do like him so much. Its crazy. I’m stupid.

“You are mine, as I am yours.”

“I know that I mutter, “You don’t have to remind me like this.

“No” He agrees. “But I need to remind your friend Nicola.”

“I think you made it pretty clear, Capo Bastone.” I give him a sour smile, “I don’t think he will ever speak to me again.”

“That would be great, actually.”

I stare at him for a second. Julian wants to possess me. Did he even care about me?

“I love him, Julian. I tell him. “He’s my best friend. You don’t understand all that we’ve been through. He’s seen me through everything in my life. I just wish you’d be civil with him. He’s your family, you know? And mine too.” I grab his hand and started laying soft kisses on his skin. “You make me so happy, Julian. And I wanted to share this happiness with my best friend.”

He grunts lowly. “I’d be civil with him if he didn’t want your pussy on his dick

Exasperated, 1 push him away, standing up “He doesn’t fucking want me. Why don’t you fucking get it? And it shouldn’t even matter if he did, because i just want you. I’ve only ever wanted you. You know that. I’ve wanted you since I met you, and you never took notice of me. You didn’t know me then. Nico did. Nico was there when my Mom died, and when I had my first period, and when I had my first kiss, and when my friend got cancer. Nico was there when I cut myself because I was so, so sad. And you think you can just swoop in and fuck me and decide to erase all of that I had with him because of your fucking jealousy?‘ I feel my eyes water, and blink rapidly. “Just…just leave, Dante,” I whisper. I can’t look at you right now. I just wish for once you’d listen to what I wanted, instead of trying to fucking own me.”

“I- “Julian begins, but then he stops. He looks at me, just stares. I turn away, feeling a teardrop on my cheek. “I’m sorry” He says behind my back. “TII just go.”

As soon as I hear him shut the front door of the house with a thud, I jump into bed, sobbing, my face pressed into my pillow. I feel numb – the kind of numb that just breaks you from the inside, you know, like when you feel like something inside of you is ready to burst? I cry A lot. But I don’t know what I am crying for. Maybe because of the way Julian had made me feel today. Maybe because Nico hated me now. Maybe because I felt like a fucking dog with Julian’s symbol around my neck but didn’t want to take it off. Maybe because of the sadness in Julian’s voice when he told me he was sorry. Or maybe because I was angry. Maybe because I had lost Nico. Maybe because I had lost Julian. Maybe because, maybe I had lost them both. Maybe because of all of this. Maybe because of none.

I don’t know how long I cry, maybe two or three hours, but then I get out of bed around 3 am, take a shower, I guess Papa and Gabriel had come in sometime when I was crying, because they’d cleaned up the house. I can’t sleep, so I sketch, just random patterns–moons and dandelions and tulips and stars on intertwined vines. I guess I fall asleep around dawn, because i wake up to silence in the house around noon. I shower again, because I don’t know what else to do. I eat last night’s leftovers, make myself some tea, my throat is kind of sore.

When I check my phone for texts from Julian or Nico, there are none. There is one from Julio though, saying he had come to my place but no one had answered the door, and that I was supposed to tell him to come get me if I wanted to get out of the house. Apparently, those were Capo Bastone’s orders

I decide to go to work, so I put on some skinny jeans and a T shirt, then put my hair in a messy bun. Maybe I’ll stop at Nicos on the way. See if he’s in.

See if he willing to talk.

I take the subway to his place. He isn’t at home. I have keys to his place, but now it just feels like intruding. So, I go in and left a note ΠΠ his dining table. Call me please, it said. I fucking hope he would. I can’t bring myself to text him and then risk being ignored or left at read. That would make it so real. And I could bear anything in the world, but i could never beat losing Nicu,