novelxo A False Start: Chapter 35
Gold Rush Ranch is beautiful. Everything here looks flawless. The rolling hills and perfect white fences. The shiny horses and pristine buildings.
I don’t belong here.
The pebble in my hand rolls across my fingers as I sit on the back step of the guesthouse. I toss it, watching it clack across the ground and bounce off another rock.
Flawless I am not, but I’m not stupid either. I saw the way Nadia regarded me when she came back out on the patio tonight. The tension was written all over her face, the anxiety—the questions. Questions she doesn’t deserve to have to ask.
She deserves a love that’s simple. Natural. Easy like breathing. Exactly what she wanted. Not this treacherous path we’ve started down. It’s reckless, thinking we can come out on the other side unscathed.
Maybe I am stupid.
Not stupid enough to think I won’t see her cresting that hill in the next couple of hours. We have unfinished business, things we need to say. And as much as it pains me to admit it, I hope her brother talked enough sense into her that I won’t have to be the one to break her heart.
I’d break my own heart a million times over to spare hers. I’ll shoulder the pain of what needs to be done if it means she sheds one less tear.
I’ll take the blame, the hate, the disappointment. She can put it all on me, and I’ll still come back for more. Because Nadia Dalca is it for me. And if I have to wait for the right moment to present itself, then I will.
Because she’s worth the wait. I’ve told her that before, and I meant it.
I reach down to grab another rock, rolling the smooth weight of it against my palm, transporting myself to the feel of her smooth skin beneath my hands.
A tugging sensation in my chest has me looking up, seeing Nadia walking down the slope of the hill that divides the farm from this little oasis.
Just like I knew she would.
I’m beyond pretending I’m not staring at her, so I lean my elbows back on the step behind me and take her in. I try to commit her to memory. The sway of her hips, the curve of her neck, the unruliness of her hair. My wildflower.
I soak up every inch of her, not wanting to forget a single thing. Because I have this sinking, devastating notion that soon, I won’t be seeing her very much.
“Hey,” she says with a sad smile as she approaches, rubbing her hands on her jeans as if she’s nervous.
“Come here, Wildflower.” I lift an arm and nod my head to the space beside me.
Her eyes water, and her nose wrinkles up, like that might stop the tears that are about to fall.
Her glossy lips roll together, but with a few small steps she’s in front of me and folding herself down onto the step beside me, snuggling up under my arm, so small and fragile tucked against my body. When her head tips against my chest, I take a deep draw of rose-scented air and nuzzle against her hair.
I’ll never forget the way she smells. The way she feels. Like redemption. Almost too good to be true.
“You okay?” I breathe against her, pulling her in tighter.
“No.” Her voice cracks, breaking a line through my heart that matches the sound. Me fucking neither. “Did my brother give you a spanking?”
I chuckle, hand coming to rest on her thigh and giving her a quick squeeze. “Not the good kind.” She laughs softly. “Really, though, our conversation was fair. He only has your best interests in mind.”
Her head brushes against me as she nods. “I want you guys to still be friends. You were all he had for a long time.”
“I’m very confident that we will always be friends. No need to worry about that.”
We fall into several moments of silence, gazing out over the landscape as the sun dips low on the horizon. I’ll never watch the sun set again without thinking of her. That view over the cliffs at my house is going to haunt me every damn night. I try not to think about the possibility of being friends with Stefan for the rest of my life and not having Nadia. Of having to watch her move on with someone else. Just thinking about it shreds me up inside.
She eventually breaks the silence. “I need to go to school. I need to prove to myself I can do something big with my life. Something more than I ever thought I could. I need to rise above that little voice and do something that makes me truly proud of myself.”
I can’t stand not seeing her right now. I drag her into my lap, clasping her chin in my fingers and forcing her to look up at me. “You absolutely do. And I can’t wait to watch you climb that mountain. I already know you’re going to k-k-kick ass and t-take names. I’m so proud of you.”
Her bottom lip wobbles, and my thumb brushes against it, not giving a fuck about my stutter with a girl like her looking at me like that.
“I need to do it on my own.” Her arms wrap around my neck, fingers stroking soothing lines down the back of my skull.
“I know you do.” I shift my hand to cup her cheek. This time my thumb brushes a tear tracking down the apple of her cheek. She’s so young, has so much to do. And I never want to be the thing that holds her back.
“For now.” Her eyes twinkle, and she stares at me desperately. My eyes sting at the sight of her damp cheeks.
I nod. “For now.”
She nods in return. “I want you to be proud of yourself, too.”
A ragged sigh tumbles past my lips. I swallow, hoping it might pull the building tears back down where they came from. Back in the depths of my soul, where they’ve been hiding for years now.
“I want to see the man you can be when you get out from underneath all that shame, all the pain you’ve buried. You deserve a fresh start, Griffin. You deserve to be happy, and I can’t be the only thing that does that for you. I don’t want to be your antidote. I want to be your reason. The reason you put the work in.”
I nod, drowning in her eyes. Wishing I could live there. Spend all day, every day memorizing every little fleck, every color. But I know she’s right.
“This isn’t goodbye forever. This is goodbye for now. A clean break for now. I can’t do any in between. I don’t expect you to wait for me. Okay?”
Hasn’t she been listening to me? I’ll be waiting for her no matter how long it takes. One tear spills over my cheek, and I fight the urge to run and hide. If I can fall apart in front of anyone in the world, I know it’s her. “Okay.” My voice sounds rusty, like I haven’t used it in years. And I guess I haven’t. My throat aches as I swallow the words trying to claw their way out. The ones that want to beg her to stay. The ones that want to explain away all the excellent reasons for us to hit pause. The ones that want to tell her I can make everything better for her if she lets me.
But this thing deserves more. It deserves two confident, capable adults. And she needs this time as badly as I do. I’d never forgive myself if I were the reason she didn’t check every fucking thing off that list.
I’d give this woman anything she wants. A limb? An organ?
A clean break.
But not waiting for her? That’s not even a consideration. That’s not even possible.
Her dainty hands cup my face, thumbs stroking the stubble on my cheeks. “You’ve got your own mountain that needs climbing. Yeah?”
“Yeah.” My stomach lurches, and I swear if I looked down, my heart would be beating on the ground somewhere. Ripped out and torn apart. Because she’s right, I’ve got a lot of fixing to do.
She presses a tender kiss to my lips, so many emotions flooding out between us. Spilling out of me, drowning my system. Her forehead tilts against mine, tips of our noses brushing together. “Meet you at the top, Sinclaire?”
My fingers pulse around her ribs, and I know that this is the moment where I let her go.
It makes me nauseous. But I choke out the words she needs to hear anyway.
“Meet you at the top, Wildflower.”